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Alcohol support

Struggling to quit and no support

33 replies

MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 21:18

So I know I drink to much, I am drinking a bottle and a half of wine a night and I have got to the point where I have had enough but I am struggling to stop. So I spoke with my husband who drinks rarely, yesterday to say I need help to stop, I don't want to drink anymore, I need you to be supportive in me stopping. This is the first time I have ever said this and come to today, and I text him saying work stressful I need a wine. Thinking he would be supportive and he made a joke and when I got home he'd bought me a bottle of wine and me being weak drank it. I am so disappointed in myself and so confused and upset by him buying it. He never buys me wine it feels like it was almost malicious having asked for help in stopping and suddenly he buys it for me. Not sure what I'm looking for but needed to vent.

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DustyLee123 · 13/03/2023 21:22

Going from a bottle and a half to nothing seems a lot. I’d suggest you need to cut down slowly.

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 21:29

I would rather stop totally I can do days at a time it's keep it up, which is why I wanted support

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Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 21:33

I wouldn’t be relying on a partner for this. Have you spoken to your GP?

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mdh2020 · 13/03/2023 21:36

Your GP will be able to give you advice on local charities and local AA meetings where you can go for support.

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Circumferences · 13/03/2023 21:39

If you want to take this seriously, you could try contacting AA? It's filled with people who will be in your area who offer support in quitting. You don't need to physically go they have Zooms.

It'd be better just to have another proper chat with your DH though. Reiterate how you seriously want to quit and if he could help you by buying you chocolates rather than wine

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 21:46

I'm not relying on him to stop me drinking but surely I should be able to rely in him not to buy it for me.

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Tethersend01 · 13/03/2023 21:50

But OP what “support” are you looking for specifically? It can be very difficult for family and friends when someone has a drinking problem. You would be much better off seeming either treatment (alcohol / addiction specific) or joining AA.

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Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 21:51

You texted him saying you needed a wine?
Your drinking is your responsibility. Not his.

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rockingbird · 13/03/2023 21:53

Firstly, well done for making that huge decision to quit - I know from experience actually saying it makes it very real. You've admitted to yourself and your partner that your drinking isn't healthy and that's the first step. Him then going out and buying you wine isn't helpful at all and you need to make that very clear. If you can safely stop altogether (you've said you can go days without alcohol) my advice is to draw a line under today, download try dry (a very useful app) and make tomorrow day one! I was in your position last August, I was blocking out the world with alcohol and my marriage was down the toilet pan - that's another story entirely. My H was enabling my drinking because he knew if I was in the right frame of mind and not drinking I'd have walked away long before! Please be mindful this isn't the case for you, right now you need support not enabling. Also, steer clear of other drinkers for now and arm yourself with some good quit lit. William Porter was my favourite one, his no messing scientific method was what I needed. Some go with the Annie grace method, others manage to moderate. Just take each day as it comes, day by day it gets easier I promise you. However if you have concerns that your alcohol intake is a danger to your health you may want to consider speaking with your GP first. Everyone's level what is safe drinking is different so please bare that in mind. Best of luck!

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:05

I was looking for the type of support that does not include buying alcohol less than 24 hours after I have said I want to stop drinking, having never bought it for me before. I don't think my drinking is his responsibility but I do think buying wine when he never has before after saying I wanted support to quit is a bit much. I know my drining is my problem, and something I need to do myself but I had hoped my husband would be more supportive. I just wanted to vent but clearly I'm unreasonable to think he was unsupportive

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Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:06

Him buying alcohol doesn’t mean you have to drink it.

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shonapop · 13/03/2023 22:08

Hi. I was where you are. Same situation with partner and quantities.
I was so sick of my life being like Groundhog Day. The guilty promises every morning that tonight I wouldn't drink and then the frustration, guilt and anger when I inevitably did.. every night.
I did a bit of research and found 'The easy way to control alcohol' by Allan Carr on audible. I listened to it over the course of a week and stopped drinking entirely by the end of the book.
I haven't had a drink for coming up 3 years. It has been utterly life changing. I have my life back.
Trust me, If i can do it, anybody can.

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:08

Thank y0u rockingbird I will look up the lit you uabe suggested

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bellalou1234 · 13/03/2023 22:08

Place marking I'll be back with tips

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:11

Shonapop thanks I will look into that.

Wolfiefan have you had a problem with drinking? No I didn't need to drink it but the fact I habe an issue with it would suggest that I would, which is why I spoke about stopping etc. And asked foe support. You're not being helpful so maybe stop replying

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anythinginapinch · 13/03/2023 22:14

I would feel hurt if my DP did that. I'd want them to be strong/er than me, for me, in those early quitting days.

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rockingbird · 13/03/2023 22:14

Also podcasts are really useful, I found the sobersassymum really honest and helpful. She spoke about blackouts and it totally resonated with me! I was having them and struggling to piece together the next day what was said / done!! Fortunately I was drinking at home and never actually went out much to embarrass myself 🫣 look up the sober insta accounts as they are also really useful. You've got this, trust me if I can quit anyone can.

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:17

Thank you for the podcast info, I don't go out either so all at home bit luckily don't drink to black out, bit will look those up and give them a listen

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bilbodog · 13/03/2023 22:17

I can also recommend allen carrs books - im early days but decided to stop drinking 4 weeks ago with the help of his book and alcohol free so far with no difficulty. You can do it!

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Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:17

The only person who can stop you drinking is you. If you want professional help then seek it. But don’t expect anyone else to do this for you.
You said you needed wine. He bought wine. This is a you problem.

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:19

Anythinginapinch thank you, I do felt hurt as he barely drinks, so not like he is wanting me to drink with him. to buy it out of the blue when I have explained my issues within 24 hours made me feel like shit to be honest. I know I could habe turned it down but it's not that easy and it would have been in the house. I don't kep alcohol in the house except wine I buy to drink that day.

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:23

Wolf i know its a me problem, as I have said before but he has not bought wine before even when I've said I need a wine tonight, he has not bought it. I think the timing is odd when I say I need support in stopping to go out and buy it. I am not placing the responsibility on him for me to stop, I know I need to do that myself but i do think that he could be supportive and not buy it for me when I am actively trying to stop.

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Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:28

But you literally sent him a message saying you’d had a stressful day and needed wine??
I bet his side of this would be different.
If you needed support you say you’ve had a stressful day so could you go to the gym on the way home/take a walk together/have a long bath/plan a weekend away together. But you said you had to have wine so he got it.

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MylittleLovebug · 13/03/2023 22:34

Not sure how many times I can say this, he has never bought me wine, I have texted that before and he has not bought me wine. The only time is within 24 hours of me saying I want to quit. Yes my default is I'm stressed I need wine, his default has always been to not buy it. So why would I think he would when I have said I want to give up. If he said I want to give up smoking and within 12 hours texted saying he wanted a cigarette, I wouldn't go and buy a pack of 20 for him. I would be supportive. Anyway we will have to disagree,

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Arrrrrrragghhh · 13/03/2023 22:35

Op my DH does this as well. He will happily agree I drink too much but always makes sure I have a bottle ( or two) to drink because “he knows I love it”.
I told him he was alcoholics version of a feeder.

It’s something you have to do yourself. I said I was giving up for Lent so he knows he can’t buy me any or persuade me to have a drink if we go out. Interestedly he’s got competitive and given up coffee which is his favourite thing. I feel he’s still minimising my drinking by proving how easy it is to give up something.

I’ve found it easier than previously mostly because I’ve mentally prepared for it ( all year since last Lent!). Last year all I could think about was having a drink again. Really stressful. This year it feels much easier.
I probably could never drink again and be happy but equally I could easily drink bottles at every weekend and be fine with that too. However I’ll worry about that at Easter.