Anyone married to a DH who managed to stop drinking and had a normal relationship with alcohol now?

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Just this. I'm loosing hope that one day he will wake up and realise enough is enough.

Not sure I want to stay married to drunk DH. Which is a shame as sober DH is a great man. Sadly he's only really sober during the day if he's working nights. Other than that he is drunk from 2pm onwards.

Any hope he can change ?

[paq]

Sorry about your situation. He won't change and you would be far far better off without him. You sound lovely

[LoniceraJaponica]

Please keep posting on here for support. There are loads of mumsnetters who have walked in your shoes.

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Still here.

[pradathescammer]

OP I am here for you.

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Nerdy bird, my children live with me weekends and school holidays. I can work around that. But a really good question as it's not the norm. X

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Thank you prada. I am lost. I love a man who is hurting himself, his life and me. I am the children's role model in our home but I'm not sure for how much longer they will stay oblivious to his behaviour because to the oblivious it looks harmless. In the mean time I'm exhausted and dissapointed. He would never raise a hand or even his voice to us but it's nearly 9pm and I'm still home alone because he's still out.

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

And japonica. Thank you. I don't expect you to stay on here all night holding my hand. I have found a movie. The dogs are keeping me warm. When I wake up he'll be home. Tonight is unusual as normally he come back mid afternoon. X

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Hi OP, how long has this been the pattern of behaviour and has it become worse over time? I ask as alcoholism is a progressive illness. Also, even if your DP has no desire to stop, would he accept or acknowledge that his level of alcohol consumption is neither healthy nor "normal"?

[monicasflashlight]

[pinkdonkey]

When I first knew DH he started drinking at 8am. Both his parents are high functioning alcoholics and when I bought it up with him as a problem he seemed pretty shocked, it was something he had been doing since his teens before school. He was alcohol dependant but thought it was normal behaviour, dont fool yourself that your kids won't be modeling themselves on your partners behaviour one day if things don't change.

After a drunken suicde attempt he was refered to an alcohol nurse in A&E who arranged regular support and things improved significantly but he still had the occasional binge. A few years later he hit a low point and became alcohol dependant again and hit rock bottom, after this he completely obstained from alcohol for a few years. He now has the occasional pint and easily stops at this.

[OliviaBenson]

From your comments though, your children aren't oblivious to his behaviour. Children take in a lot more that you realise.

I'm that child op and my mum thought we were too young to realise. We wasn't,

[GinnyBaker]

My DH is 21 years sober. He nearly died twice before he got sober. Occasionally at family weddings etc he comes across people who don't know he got sober and most of them are amazed he is alive.

He does not think drinking again would ever work for him.

He thinks there is no such thing as a normal relationship with alcohol.

If you've got a relationship with it, it is not normal.

He says be wary of Al-Anon, he feels many of the partners of AA members he knows would be better off leaving. He feels sometimes in Al-Anon, there is a lot of talk of looking at yourself and your behaviour around the alcoholic, whereas no-one would say to a domestic violence survivor, well you are powerless over the abuser, so lets work on your reactions and your life. They would say, just get away from this person, he is going to drag you down and kill you.

(He does go to Al-Anon, both his parents are alcoholics, btw, so he does see a lot of it.) He thinks staying in a household warped by alcohol is a warping experience for all involved, and that isn't a good thing.

[NerdyBird]

Ok so he is not looking after your children whilst possibly drinking, that is one good thing. But if he is not spending huge amounts of time with them and they have already noticed he needs a drink then it is probably affecting them more than you realise.
I think you need to consider your children first and whether you really want them to have an alcoholic in their lives.

[DodgyGround]

My DH is a functional alcoholic and I recognise everything you say.

There is nothing you can do to either make him worse or better. Fact.

If HE wants to stop he will, but they often have to reach rock bottom first. Many lose everything on the way down.

They can NEVER drink normally, it has to be all or nothing. Don't even look for that as an option because it's as impossible as him doing a shift on Mars.

💐 it's hard for you and the kids, I'm really sorry you're enduring this. I hope he does decide to turn it around for you all. But it won't actually be for you that he does, if he does, it will have to be for himself. Independent of anyone else.

[DodgyGround]

I went to Alanon once, and found it wasn't at all what I expected. Instead of helpful information and practical suggestions, which was what I felt I needed, people just sat around staring into space with long silences, in between someone talking about "their alcoholic". I found it unhelpful and depressing so I didn't go back. I'm not knocking them, just saying that please don't feel and if you try it and it's not for you either.

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Thanks. I'm still reading and taking notice. X

[Atenco]

DodgyGround I think there can be quite a big difference between one group and another.

[DodgyGround]

Yes I can well imagine.

[OnlyGodKnowsWhy]

Hi,

I married an alcoholic in 2015. I was naive when it came to alcoholism and as he was a 'pleasant drunk' and it wasn't spirits, it never seemed that big a deal. Once we were married, everything changed. I began to find empty bottles in my washing pile, under clothes in drawers, hidden in my garden. We were married a rather embarrassing two months until I kicked him out. He was also step dad to my four kids and I didn't want them to witness his drinking.

In the two years we were separated, I didn't see him or have any contact with him. A little part of me hoped that the shock of losing everything would turn him around but it didn't.

In the last year, his mother died relatively young from alcohol, his father fell behind in rent, DH lost his job from alcohol and they ended up sleeping rough.

I had a situation three months ago where I needed to make contact and he came to stay with me for what was supposed to be a week. He has now been sober for two months, attends AA meetings every day and has interviews for a job.

It is very early days and I do worry he will relapse however his whole personality seems different. Losing his mum at her age was incredibly hard. When we first married and I tried to help him (you can't!) he had sertraline and benzos for weaning off the alcohol. This time round he tapered off for a week whilst going to AA meetings then announced he was stopping that night and did. He also signed himself up for one to one alcohol counselling and takes it one day at a time.

I honestly can't say if I've made a mistake taking my DH back, especially so early into his recovery (not a good idea at all according to AA) if he will go back to drinking one day soon, I don't know. We are taking every day individually.

What I will say is that he did hit his rock bottom and he swears by the AA. He was embarrassed at the first meeting as he was clearly the youngest there at 33, but left an hour later feeling so much more positive. I also told him I was not taking any involvement with his recovery and the only part I will have in general, where his alcohol or no alcohol is concerned, is to kick him out permanently if he goes back to drinking. I remind him of this pretty much daily and he knows I mean it. He knows I won't stop him drinking, if he chooses to, he will just be told to leave. He knows I won't manage his money in case he is tempted, he knows I won't monitor him to see if there are signs of drinking.

It's all up to him and so far, so good.

As others have said, your DH has to be able to admit he is an alcoholic. He has to admit and accept it. He has to want to stop for himself. Not for any other reason, even you.

If he can't or won't do either, you are dealing with a lost cause.

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Hi Godonlyknowwhy. ( and everyone who's posted to be honest). You have an incredible account of your husbands drinking and his life as a consequence. It's a different one to mine. I've read it over and over and even cried. My husband will probably never reach a rock bottom like that , he's been close but he has a family who love him and who have rescued him once already ( before we met ).

I have really appreciated all your help and advice. Sadly for me I can only draw the conclusion that I can't wait for him to see sence. I can't help him. He is Simon lost to me in all his excuses and black outs.

We went away together in September for our first real break alone and alcohol dominated. I "relaxed" on the one day I could and pretty much submitted to a cafe to bar crawl. I drank less than one unit to his Three. He had the best day of his holiday, to be if was ok as I had just enough alcohol not to care for that day , also for a while we at least shared the same world. Next day I was more interested in what we could do rather then where we could drink. In the end I was called alsorts, left by myself in a foreign train statio with minutuescto spare for the last train while he bought more alcohol.
I'm still here. But I've made up my mind, hardened myself to leave and live by myself. Rather that than this. X

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Simon ???? I did not type that!

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

Typos . Apologies. I'm tired. X