Hi,
I married an alcoholic in 2015. I was naive when it came to alcoholism and as he was a 'pleasant drunk' and it wasn't spirits, it never seemed that big a deal. Once we were married, everything changed. I began to find empty bottles in my washing pile, under clothes in drawers, hidden in my garden. We were married a rather embarrassing two months until I kicked him out. He was also step dad to my four kids and I didn't want them to witness his drinking.
In the two years we were separated, I didn't see him or have any contact with him. A little part of me hoped that the shock of losing everything would turn him around but it didn't.
In the last year, his mother died relatively young from alcohol, his father fell behind in rent, DH lost his job from alcohol and they ended up sleeping rough.
I had a situation three months ago where I needed to make contact and he came to stay with me for what was supposed to be a week. He has now been sober for two months, attends AA meetings every day and has interviews for a job.
It is very early days and I do worry he will relapse however his whole personality seems different. Losing his mum at her age was incredibly hard. When we first married and I tried to help him (you can't!) he had sertraline and benzos for weaning off the alcohol. This time round he tapered off for a week whilst going to AA meetings then announced he was stopping that night and did. He also signed himself up for one to one alcohol counselling and takes it one day at a time.
I honestly can't say if I've made a mistake taking my DH back, especially so early into his recovery (not a good idea at all according to AA) if he will go back to drinking one day soon, I don't know. We are taking every day individually.
What I will say is that he did hit his rock bottom and he swears by the AA. He was embarrassed at the first meeting as he was clearly the youngest there at 33, but left an hour later feeling so much more positive. I also told him I was not taking any involvement with his recovery and the only part I will have in general, where his alcohol or no alcohol is concerned, is to kick him out permanently if he goes back to drinking. I remind him of this pretty much daily and he knows I mean it. He knows I won't stop him drinking, if he chooses to, he will just be told to leave. He knows I won't manage his money in case he is tempted, he knows I won't monitor him to see if there are signs of drinking.
It's all up to him and so far, so good.
As others have said, your DH has to be able to admit he is an alcoholic. He has to admit and accept it. He has to want to stop for himself. Not for any other reason, even you.
If he can't or won't do either, you are dealing with a lost cause.