Adopting after biological child-any experiences?

[Satsuma26]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice as we have a 7 yr old DS but have struggled with secondary infertility, I had DS with no issue but since then I’ve had 5 MC’s. I’ve had all the tests and basically it just comes down to bad luck apparently (and my age as I’m now 44 and been trying for the last 6 years). So after much consideration of all the options, we are still very keen to grow our family as I feel I’ve got lots of love still to give. But my worry with adoption is what impact it could potentially have on my biological DS, does anyone have experience of adopting after having a biological child and how have you found it? I wouldn’t want the adopted child to feel that I loved them any less than my biological child but would this be inevitable? And what age gap would you recommended ideally? Thank you xxx

[tonyhawks23]

Age gap has to be 2 years usually.theres an adoption board here that will be useful for you to read and I always recommend adoption UK too.

[Satsuma26]

Thank you @tonyhawks23 I will look at the adoption board now, I couldn’t see it in the Talk topics but will have a look around x

[TeenDivided]

Report your post and ask for it to be moved here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/adoptions

We adopted but without BC.

[TeenDivided]

In Talk it is under 'Becoming a parent'

[wishIwasonholiday10]

Watching as also interested. Do you think it’s even possible to get selected for adoption at 44? I’m a similar age and assumed we were too old and babies are in high demand (from what I’ve read it’s better to adopt a baby rather than an older child if you already have a child but I could be wrong).

[Gaggley]

It is possible to be approved as adopters at this age. My friend is a foster carer, and their foster child was recently adopted by a couple in their early 50s.

[Disney20]

You will get lots of advice on the adoption board.
Personally we had a very positive experience adopting our son after we had a birth daughter. He's absolutely wonderful 🙂
We have a seven year age gap and it works really well.
Do your research and be absolutely honest about what your family can cope with. Phone all your neighbouring local authorities adoption teams and get a feel for them go to open days if they have them.

[Soontobe60]

I think you need to be really clear why you want to adopt a child, and what age of child you’d want to adopt. At your age, and as you already have a child, you may not be accepted to adopt a baby - would you be happy to adopt an older child who potentially has lots of challenges?

[Disney20]

Posted to soon!
I can honestly say I love them both exactly the same so that definitely not inevitable, I have parented them differently though.
Go into it with your eyes open and do your research, you will have to parent differently and there will always be some uncertainties. But don't be put off by some of the horror stories. Remember people post asking for help when they are at crisis, not everyone will post to say it's worked out and are doing ok.
My son was a toddler when we adopted him.

[KimMumsnet]

Hi, OP. We've moved your thread to the Adoption board as we reckon you'll get some helpful replies there - do let us know if that wasn't the right call.

[tonyhawks23]

Soontobe60 can I just comment on your implied assumption that a baby doesn't come with lots of challenges for the benefit of the OP.sorry to be pedantic but don't want OP to read from that that adopting a baby is one thing and adopting an older child is another,its all very challenging and sometimes it's useful to know the possible challenges.is that fair to say?

[TeenDivided]

I would aim for at least a 4 year age gap.
I'd also be tempted to go for the opposite sex to avoid comparisons

[121Sarah121]

i am a parent of both birth and adopted children. Happy to answer any questions through personal messages

[Satsuma26]

Thank you everyone for your responses, I had assumed at my age that I would be adopting a 2/3 year old rather than a baby, and I understand that adopting does come with many challenges, it’s just such an unknown as you can never really know what trauma a child will have and how that will effect them as they grow up. I just keep going around in circles thinking I’d love to adopt and give a home and love to a child that needs it, but then I find myself worrying about the challenges that they’ll face and if I’m being selfish bringing a child into our lives that might take all my attention away from the child I already have.
I will do lots more reading around it and look at the Adoption thread in more detail, thank you x

[Ted27]

@wishIwasonholiday10

Most, but by no means all, adopters will be older, including well into their 40s. I was 47 when my son came home. As far as age is concerned, if you already have a birth child its normally expected that there will be two years in age between the children. You would also normally be expected to maintain a birth order so an adopted child would be the youngest.


@Soontobe60 I'd agree with @tonyhawks23 with assumptions about babies v older children. Its not just the direct experience of the child, but also their genetic inheritance, the in utero experience, were they exposed to alcohol and drugs for example.
The healthy baby is a bit of a myth in my view. I know lots of people who ended up dealing with exactly the same problems and issues I did as an adopter of a 7, nearly 8, year old. The advantage I had was that his difficulties were already known, he'd already had assessments and diagnosis, and EHCP in place. I had a very good idea of what I was getting into. That's not to say we did not have challenges, but at least I was prepared
It's fine to have a preference for age, but be clear why you have that preference. I was very clear that I wanted an older child, although he was a bit older than I imagined.
It's very hard when you are going through assessment to imagine your future child. When you get to matching its much easier because you are looking at real children.
My best advice to any adopter is to be open minded and look at the child in front of you. Could you parent that child, regardless of what your original thoughts may have been.
@Satsuma26 I don't gave birth children so I can't offer any advice on that, but looking at my friends who have both adopted and birth children, I don't see any difference in the love they have for children.
But you are right to think about the challenges. Adoption is always a risk. Do your research, ask questions - nothing is to silly to ask

[Italiangreyhound]

We adopted a three year old when our child was 9. It's certainly not been easy but I would not be without either or my children.

A reasonably big age gap probably does help.

My best piece of advice is not to pass on clothes or toys etc from one child to the younger without the older child's permission, as this caused some issues for us!

[TeenDivided]

My best piece of advice is not to pass on clothes or toys etc from one child to the younger without the older child's permission, as this caused some issues for us!

We had the opposite problem with our 2 ADs, the older one kept wanting to pass things on when she had outgrown them. We had to institute rule. DD1 could decide for her own things whether to keep, put way in a special box, or get rid. Once she was getting rid, I got to decide whether/when it went to DD2.

(The age gap meant very few toys/clothes were suitable to go directly from one to the other.)

[chickenlegsbj]

I have a bs and as. One year apart. Adopted nearly 10 years ago now! We are pretty much a regular family - our as has special needs which we knew before we adopted him. As brothers they love each other and hate each other in equal measure. Currently both are refusing to sleep in their own bedroom so are sharing. Again. Frequently in the same bed. No doubt in a couple of days they won’t go anywhere near each other. I’m willing to answer any questions but I do not have any amazing pearls of wisdom!

[Satsuma26]

Thank you all for your advice and messages of support, for my further reading, could you give me a couple of book ideas that you would definitely recommend reading before we go any further. We’ve done the adoption info evening but it was quite vague.
Also, how long did the process take from first putting in your application (I think this is the first step) to your AC coming home with you. I follow MollyMamaAdopt on Insta and YouTube and it was 7 months for them, so wondered if this is typical. Thank you xx

[tonyhawks23]

For us it was 3 years.
Some of the books we had as good starting points were Sally Donovon No Matter What, Preparing for Adoption Julia Davis & Welcoming a Brother or Sister through Adoption Arleta James, for example, there are so so many books to read. There is also a good thread on here with all the TV stuff that might be useful. And a really good podcast is the A&F podcast. Adoption UK also have really useful zoom meet ups for prospective adopters, and a really good webinar on adopting when you already have children.

[TeenDivided]

We had ~30 months between applying and placement, and another 15 months before adoption order went through. This 16 years ago though.

[Satsuma26]

Thank you @tonyhawks23 and @TeenDivided that's a lot longer than I had anticipated, it must have been quite challenging mentally to have to wait so long, I had anticipated 12-18 months so that's quite naive of me. I will look at the webinar now for adopting when you already have children, thank you for the book and other recommendations, much appreciated.

[PicaK]

You'll love them both as much. It's such a non issue or at least it was for me.
But really, really think about what you are exposing your bc too.
Our Ad had fasd, adhd and attachment issues. She needs constant 1:1 attention. She hurts herself or destroys things if she doesn't get it.
My ds is physically hurt by her every single day. I cannot talk to him or help with homework as she can't cope.
So really really think about what you might take away from your dc by adopting.

[onlytherain]

This is quite a long list; they are all resources that are often recommended.

Beginner's guide to adoption - reading list, websites, DVDs, podcasts and more
https://www.adoptionukforum.org/topic/a7e76f8d-f8a9-4161-bf80-9c0c674e7155

[Satsuma26]

Hi @PicaK thank you for your honesty, it is definitely one of my main concerns that I won't be able to give my bc the attention he needs if we have an ac with special needs, and those needs aren't always apparent before the adoption process. I would hope that when they're younger the demands of what they each need are much more apparent then hopefully as they grow older it will be less challenging, but it's hard to know - the teenage years are difficult for all of us! My DH's foster sister had fasd and is super lovely with him but his Mum and StepDad have faced quite a lot of verbal abuse from her over the years; but there's also been lots of good times inbetween. It's definitely a journey into the unknown but getting advice from everyone on here is really helpful. Thank you again. xxxx