Infertility to adoption journey

[mochapip]

After a long hard journey with infertility, we are starting to have conversations about adoption.

I'm currently more open to it than my partner is, and have read up a bit more about it.

We haven't been to any information events yet, but my whole career has been working with vulnerable children and there is also a lot of trauma and various issues in my family history, so I have some idea what we might be getting into.

My partner is from a fairly privileged background and hasn't had hands on experience with traumatised children, alcoholism, drugs, and a lot of the socioeconomic issues that I assume we might come across when we start looking into this properly.

He is struggling with the idea of parenting a potentially traumatised child, which is very valid, but I worry if we don't consider it we might be closing ourselves off from so much potential love. He so wants to be a parent, we both do, and this might be the only way for us.

So is anyone in a couple where one of you struggled more with the idea of adoption than the other? What are your experiences and how did you decide in the end? Are you happy with your decision?

[ScottishBeth]

We weren't in the same situation, but I used to be absolutely certain I would never want to adopt, so I think it may be relevant.

I read an article a number of years ago (can't remember the specifics) but it made me convinced it was an impossible thing to do and still have a good life. I was convinced it would be a life of violence, stealing, all of those things. My partner and I (we are a same sex couple) were at the stage of thinking about parenting and I couldn't decide.

I then met up w9th some friends and their adopted children and they were happy. And a few days later we started looking into adoption.

Of course it wasn't that simple, I was still scared. But in the reading I learned that there are often ways of parenting you can use to support your child to deal with the trauma.

I also think that I used to imagine a stranger coming in and ripping the bathroom sink off the wall, which is a terrifying thought. Of course if my daughter ripped a sink off the wall I wouldn't be delighted, but I would want to support her with that, because I love her.

We are a year in now. Our little girl is amazing. She is much too young for any of the really bad behaviour that terrified me. I don't know what the future will hold, but we will absolutely do everything we can for her.

[nayanthara]

Bwbbwjw

[Didkdt]

Before taking your partner deeper into this journey, I would suugest a pause, you mentioned that you’ve experienced trauma and other things, it’s an avenue they’ll want to discuss with you before approval.
it might be worth (as they may ask you to anyway) having some counselling around this, it’s not just ticking a box but some behaviours and family stories, can stir up things for you and you’ll need the resilience

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

It took my DH longer than me too to get his head around adoption.
He was comparing adoption with a birth child, but a birth child wasn't an option, so he needed time to compare adoption with no children.
We went to some info sessions, but paused for a year before actually applying.

We are 16 years in. Late teens have been very hard.

[catsruleok]

Hello - I would second counselling regardless of what happens next.

Pretty sure all agencies now insist on a period of time after the end of an infertility journey (if that's what happens next) and counselling.

When we adopted it was not compulsory. We didn't and I have regretted our decision but that was 15 years ago and the world (thankfully) has a different view on counselling now.

It took my partner way longer than I to come to a decision to adopt however he never said no just he would think about it. We both found the information evenings very useful especially as we felt the parents and staff were open and honest and explained "expect the worst and hope for the best".

After a few years of research and thinking my partner said that if we had a birth child that had additional needs we would love that child so having a child more likely to have significant needs should not stop us adopting.

I think your partner is way more clued up than I was and I would say that is a huge positive.

Wishing you the best for the future.

[mochapip]

@Didkdt

Before taking your partner deeper into this journey, I would suugest a pause, you mentioned that you’ve experienced trauma and other things, it’s an avenue they’ll want to discuss with you before approval.
it might be worth (as they may ask you to anyway) having some counselling around this, it’s not just ticking a box but some behaviours and family stories, can stir up things for you and you’ll need the resilience

Thanks @Didkdt I do have quite good awareness of my own trauma and the impact of generational trauma on me after a lot of therapy.
I'm sure you're right that they'll want to discuss all of these things and I'll be happy to do so. I'm in counselling currently around infertility related issues anyway and I'm sure that will move to thinking about adoption if/ when we begin to explore more.

[mochapip]

@ScottishBeth Thank you for sharing your experience. It's reassuring to hear positive stories and that you have such strong love for your child, that is all I want to experience.
All the best to you and your daughter :)

[mochapip]

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Thanks for the reply, that's a really good point about comparing to a birth child vs no child. I think that is what we will be really hung up on.

We aren't even at the end of the fertility journey yet so there is still some hope of a birth child at this point. I'm just starting to think 'what if' as it's been 4 years now, but my DH is not there yet. He's already had to let go of a genetic child (we're using a sperm donor) and whilst that was hard for him, adoption is like a whole other ball game again.

Can I ask what you are finding hard about the late teen years and do you think it's specifically to do with adoption or just about being a teenager (or both?)

[mochapip]

@catsruleok Thank you for the kind words. You're right that we would of course love a birth child with significant needs. But I suppose it's whether you would still ask for that if you could know in advance what you are getting into. I think he is just a bit worried about going into something with such a high likelihood of there being significant needs and trauma.

You are right we should both have some counselling on this though, and I expect we'll think about it for a long time before making any decisions.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Some of it has been teenage, but exacerbated massively by adoption and SEN issues.

DD1 overly independent, just wants her own family, married at 21, everything came a distant second to BF. Many and varied health issues she wouldn't let us help with which thus took longer to resolve than needed.

DD2 MH fell off cliff in covid missing all of y11. Much better now but still recovering. Adoption support being fantastic for her, providing therapy which is helping her address deep seated issues.

[mochapip]

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Thanks for sharing, I'm really sorry to hear about the struggles. Sounds like a tough journey. I hope they both manage to find their way.