Started preparing for adoption enquiry but offered fertility referral

[penguin2102]

My partner (32m) and I (33f) have been together for 12 years. Always talked about having children including the possibility of looking into adoption in the future. I was diagnosed with PCOS about 7 years ago and have had generally unhelpful experiences with different GPs over the years, including being told I don’t have it, do have it etc.

We stopped using protection around three years ago, thinking ‘if it happens, it happens’. After a year without success, we wanted to understand our position in terms of fertility. My periods are very irregular so the GP couldn’t tell if I am ovulating or not via blood tests. Also said they couldn’t refer me to a fertility specialist unless my BMI was below 30 (currently 35). I have had some success with Slimming World in the past (lost two stone) but PCOS makes it harder to lose weight.

At the same time, we were also talking more about adoption. In a way, we felt that the door to biological children was being closed naturally and perhaps wasn’t meant to be (and we had always been interested in adoption anyway). After some thought - we decided to look more into adoption and attended an information event.

We then bought our first house and my partner got a new job. Once everything was stable, we felt we were in the right place to start an adoption enquiry. The initial visit with the social worker went well and they said our application would have a lot of strengths. All seemed positive.

After the social worker spoke to their manager, they then said we needed to take six months to get some more practical childcare experience and build our savings back up after the house move (and some vet bills) before we could proceed with an application. The social worker initially suggested we could do this alongside our application so it was a little disappointing. However, we have started babysitting our baby nephew and I have applied to volunteer in a child contact centre. Also made some progress with savings.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with a gynaecologist to discuss managing my PCOS symptoms particularly irregular periods. I requested this over a year ago after a frustrating few months of having a constant period (and no suggestions from my GP other than going on the pill at a time when we were open to conceiving), so had kind of forgotten about it but decided to still go in case the issue came back.

The gynaecologist was helpful and it was a completely different experience to what I had found with different GPs. They ordered blood tests, scans and prescribed metaformin which should make my periods more regular and can help with fertility. They also said that there isn’t a BMI limit for a fertility referral and have written to my GP to unblock this.

We are now feeling conflicted on how to proceed. On the whole, I think adoption is still my preference (though I understand it will come with additional challenges) but I’m concerned that we don’t even know how likely we are to be accepted and have already been pushed back at the initial stage. I’m concerned this could happen at every stage and - if we aren’t successful with adoption over the next few years - it’ll then be too late to pursue any biological routes. Equally, the metaformin and fertility referral may not end in success either.

We can’t proceed with the adoption process if we are still trying to conceive, so feeling like we need to make a decision now. Either try conceiving again for while and look into adoption later (though this may not be successful and it may then be an issue if we don’t seem 100% set on adoption). Or proceed with adoption and forget conceiving (though we may be delayed or blocked again over other issues that come up as we go through the process).

After the lack of support from GPs, I’d made peace with the fact that we would be unlikely to conceive. We don’t want to go as far down the route of fertility support as IVF etc when adoption is already something we think could be right for us (and that we could be right for an adopted child). This u-turn from the gynaecologist has confused us and made us think that we need to commit to a route again. Does anyone have any advice or been through something similar?

[Noimaginationforaun]

Hi! So we adopted and decided against IVF and fertility treatments. I also have PCOS and another chronic illness which made conceiving naturally unlikely. My DH and I had together 11 years with nothing happening naturally.

In the end, for us it just felt right. It’s hard to explain but I just didn’t want to go through more tests, needles, heartbreak for something that could fail. We just really felt like adoption was right for us.

We adopted the most wonderful little boy 2 years ago. He came home at 23 months and is now due to start school next week! He is our whole world and I wholeheartedly believe that not doing IVF was right for us. I would make that decision over and over again to get our boy.

[newbsie]

Hi 😊
we had the same issues when trying to conceive and had two miscarriages. We were in the same position with trying to decide between ivf and adoption. Ultimately we decided to try ivf. We had our first round which failed then went on to use a frozen embryo which also failed. We had one frozen embryo left but decided we no longer wanted to peruse this route and applied for adoption. We are currently in the early days of stage 2. It’s a difficult decision to make but one that only you two can make. Both are difficult, intrusive and lengthly processes! It seems yous have a lot of talking to do! Wishing yous all the best in your decision making and for whichever route you choose. If you want any further info on anything I’ve said please feel free to private message me x

[Parksitting]

In your early 30s you still have time to follow up on the fertility treatment now AND further down the line if desired pursue adoption. I am 47 and we have a 16 month old who was placed with us last year when she was a month old through Early Permanence. So you have a few years yet before adoption is closed to you as an option.

[K10f1]

I’m a gp, with pcos, who also had to make the decision between ivf and adoption.

Availability of fertility treatments via the nhs varies by region, so I don’t know what the rules are in your specific area. In mine I can refer people with a BMI over 30 to fertility services but they will only be offered IVF if their BMI is below 30. It’s a subtle but important distinction. You can get to clinic and meet the specialist but may find that not much more can be offered if you don’t meet their criteria. Having said that there are non ivf treatments patients may be offered. It may be worth checking your local CCG website for their assisted conception criteria.

My BMI was stubbornly stuck just over 30. I couldn’t shift the last bit no matter what I tried. I was also really tempted by adoption and went to some introductory meetings. I then became unwell for a time with an endocrine disorder, and therefore the social worker needed for me to be successfully treated before I could move forward with adoption. It meant at a time social services were saying “get back to us in 6 months” I found myself seeing a load of endocrinologists who told me they thought I’d respond well to ivf. It became a voice in my head, and maybe as a medical person I found it easier to set my trust in medicine than social services. I reasoned I could go back to adoption but had a small window for ivf. I set a budget and went privately once I was well again. It was not smooth sailing but I did have children via IVF.

When I attended the adoption meetings they said they wanted you to have been finished with fertility treatment for 6 months before starting the process. You have time to explore both options.

[ScottishBeth]

So we also had to choose between fertility treatment and adoption but because we are a same-sex couple. I understand it is a different situation but there are some similarities. We are older than you are as well, so I was concerned about that.

When we got married we had lots of questions about whether we going to have children, and the assumption was we'd get fertility treatment. I found the constant questions really intrusive and it made making the decision that much harder. I was really unsure about having children at the time.

In the end I realised that I did want children, but didn't want to pursue fertility treatment.

Our little girl has been with us approaching a year and she is the best thing ever.

Sorry - that's a very long story. Yours will obviously be different. Adoption was definitely the right thing for us. It isn't for everyone.

I agree with others that you have time to attempt IVF and if that's not successful to then look into adoption. I don't know much about IVF so can't comment on the other way around. Good luck with whatever you decide.