Can you adopt if you have children under 6?

[Sammymommy]

I have always wanted to adopt children (preferably a sibling group so not especially a baby, unless they are part of a sibling group, more children aged 2-10 years old).

The thing is, I both waited to have my own children and adopt, so now I am at the end of my thirties, have 4 children 5 and under and still would like to foster/adopt (I suppose the process would take 2 years or more from when it starts).

We have the means to provide for more children, a house big enough for each kid to have their bedroom, I work from home and can afford to reduce my hours/ stop working for a while. I have been a nanny for year before, including with children with challenging behaviour, I have my own kids, I am fully aware that adopting won't be a fairy tale.

So my question is is it even worth starting the process now or I am flat out going to be rejected and should wait until my youngest is 3 or 4? Or does having 4 children automatically means I won't be accepted, until they are all way older?

Thanks for your help everyone.

[Ted27]

hello

there are very few hard and fast rules, but one is that you can’t adopt a child older than your youngest birth child.
Social workers tend to look at individual circumstances.
My personal observations are you already have a lot of children and a lot of needs to manage.
trying to settle in and manage the needs of a sibling group is a significant undertaking, with four existing children, it will be very difficult. You may never be able to return to work,
working with challenging children is completely different to parenting them. stating the obvious, if you work with children you get to go home at the end of the day, you don’t have the responsibily of advocating for them, trying to get support, assessment, therapies etc etc. As you well know as a parent you are never ‘off’.
I think you need to do a lot of research on things like attachment disorders, ASD, ADHD, FASD, develomental trauma etc and think long and hard about how your existing children would be impacted by challenging behaviours in the home.

[Sammymommy]

Thanks for taking the time to answer. . I did suspected that would be the case. It is always gonna be harder than we think it will, right?

I guess it is probably wiser to wait until my youngest child is in secondary school and see at that point. I'll make sure to learn as much as possible until then.

[onlytherain]

Agencies are usually looking for a minimum age difference of two years to your youngest child. Most experienced adopters will recommend a much bigger age difference. Like Ted, I would question how, with 4 children under 5, you would meet everyone's needs. I would wait 10+ years and then start the process.

Raising an adopted child is something completely different from having a birth child. This is often said, but very hard to imagine. Large numbers of adopted children (50-75%) have diagnosable mental health problems. How would you and your family handle that?

Adoption is wonderful in many ways, but you need to go into it open-eyed, well-prepared and be fair to everyone.

https://www.adoptionuk.org/faqs/birth-children-and-adoption www.adoptionuk.org/faqs/birth-children-and-adoption

https://www.first4adoption.org.uk/who-can-adopt-a-child/how-do-i-decide/thinking-about-adoption-if-you-already-have-children/

https://cypmhc.org.uk/preventing-mental-health-problems-amongst-adopted-children/

[WittyUsername123]

Hi OP
As an adopter of a sibling group who were separated during foster care, I can only advise of the level of intuned and engaged parenting they need to keep them safe and help them build a non-toxic relationship. It is very intense and gruelling parenting.

Having adopted recently, we found it was not the case (as presented in the media), that local authorities are ‘overflowing’ with sibling groups available for adoption. You would also need to think really carefully about your biological children, and your adopted children, and how their relationship and sense of belonging would be built if they were in two ‘separate’ groups. Adopting a singleton might be more feasible.

Not to police your language, but I would encourage you to find alternatives to saying ‘my own children’ with regards to adoption- my children are my own too 🙂

[Sammymommy]

I obviously meant my own children as opposed to the children I worked with.

If I ever adopt, I will still have my own (adopted and biological) children as opposed to the ones I worked with 😉

[WittyUsername123]

I’m not trying to argue with you OP, but your post reads ‘I both waited to have my own children and adopt.’

This kind of language is very ingrained in society and a very easy mistake to make. It’s just something to consider, and one of many reflections you will come across on this journey.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Having adopted a sibling pair, I’d caution you to really consider first of all what you’re able to offer the newly adopted children and what you won’t be able to offer your birth children to give to your adopted children, and the impact on them.

Early placement with two is absolutely all consuming - they have different, often competing needs and will make demands on you in a way your birth children don’t. You’re building relationships with two little people who need you to be safe, predictable and consistent while also learning how to care for them. It’s very, very hard work - I could barely care for the cat much less another child at the same time. You also need to consider the family dynamic with effectively two different sets of siblings in the same home, one set of which has a biological tie to you.

Even waiting til your youngest is 3/4 means you’d have 6 kids under 10 - which is a huge undertaking for anyone without the complexities of adoption in the mix. Waiting til your youngest in high school means you’ll be in your late 40s with all that entails in terms of lower energy levels, menopause etc and you may find your birth children need more from you in teenage years.

On a purely practical basis you’d be looking at a bedroom for each adopted child plus your birth children, a car big enough for everyone, enough financial support to fund everyone, you’d need to seriously consider not working (because adopted children often don’t cope with childcare and there’s only so many hours in the day for 6 kids).

As a social worker I’d be wanting to see clear consideration of how you would meet each child’s needs, how you’d adapt if your adopted kids had additional support needs (which often aren’t immediately apparent), and why with 4 children in the mix already you want to adopt. Even then I’m not sure you’d be approved for a sibling pair because of their extensive needs and the family dynamics of placing a sibling pair into a family of 4 teenagers. It’s asking a lot of you, your existing children and any adopted children to manage and cope with that.