cold feet

[GSM545]

we have passed panel and I am now full of fear that we will not be able to live a happy life with an adopted child.
we are in our 50's with no birth children so we won't ever have a family if we do not adopt.
so few children will be available to us we know as we are a older white couple. and we would be very lucky to have the privilege of adopting any child at all, we know. But despite our very realistic expectations of what our lives could be like it still seems impossible to imagine a life with an adopted child that is in anyway positive or 'normal enough' to bring any joy, contentment or hope.
I don't know if this is a normal feeling or not. I see people online celebrating when they passed panel. I felt nothing but fear and dread. Does this mean that I shouldn't be doing this at all ? Our social worker thinks we will be great parents but of course she wants to place children - the reality is that she isn't invested in us in ourselves. Quite rightly our ability to live a 'happy enough' life is only of interest to her in terms of the child's welfare ( as it should be ). I am in a place of psychological despair. I feel caught between a life with an adopted child that I am scared will be without hope or a life lived
without any child at all which is without hope. i don't know how to move forward.

[Ted27]

OK, cold feet, worries - all perfectly normal and as a member of several adoption forums for more years than I care to remember, much more realistic than anyone with visions of trotting off into the sunset with their little prince or princess.
Many adopters are older, in their 40s or 50s. I’m not sure why you think there won’t be many children who you could adopt.
I was 47, I adopted an 8 year old for many reasons. The advantage of an older child is that much more is known about their needs. So in your position I would think hard about the age of the child you are looking for.
I’m not going to pretend adoption is easy. There will be times when you have to dig deep, grit your teeth and just get through it.

Today I have an 18 year old out at work, passed his driving test last month and is going to university in September. A future I never thought he would have.
He has brought me to my knees at times but he is my boy and I kept faith with him.
I know many many adoptive families like us. The kids are doing well, in their chosen way- apprenticeships, uni, working.
Adoptive children are very good at resilience and getting there is the end.

My best advice to you is to let go of any idea you have of what is ‘normal’. You will find joy in the smallest things. For all his achievements, the day my son learns to tie a shoe lace, or chop an onion or a million and one little everyday things I will be cheering from the rooftops.
All families are unique, adoptive families even more so. You will find your own ‘normal’. Your child may not get 9 GCSEs and go to uni. But they can still achieve on their own terms.
Yes its a risk, yes the kids are challenging, some are very complex, but most of us are living ordinary lives, with ordinary kids, doing their thing, albeit with a few bells on.

[CherryL107]

I am part way through the adoption approval process. Others with far more experience will give sage advice but I just wanted to express my support and understanding. I too feel uncertain often if I’m doing the right thing. I’m a single adopter just to add to my angst. You’ve come this far which says a lot. You have the support of all the professionals involved so far which also says a lot. Take a breather, give yourself a few days to relax and gather your strength before carrying on with this journey. No guts no glory!?

[GSM545]

dear Ted and Cherry
thanks so much for your messages.

Ted - i read your posts and thanks so much for your generous sharing of your sons progress. we are looking at a wide age range as yes we suspect that we would be more comfortable -for lack of a better word -knowing more about a older child. we are both on paper 'high achievers ' (bleh-
for lack of a better word) but actually don't feel that we have ever wanted anything more from a child biological or adopted than they are happy in their own life and able to earn a living doing something they enjoy. so we hope we have very realistic goals - in a way because what we hope for is so modest the thought of them not achieving them is more terrifying than having any hope that they will be able to do more that this. but thanks -it is very good to know that you think that is the better way to think about things. i'd say the combination of my natural character and the training has actually beaten all the hope out of me. I think there is an assumption in training that we are all deluded and need to be shaken out of any delusion. but for some of us it's the opposite. i suspect that a lot of the deluded stay in the process because they never lose their positivity and get children who they then do find a shock /"disappointment "- as opposed to other prospective adopters who are much more realistic and might be "better" adoptive parents but need some positivity as well. that's a bit harsh but a theory i have.

Cherry - we know several single adopters and we have nothing but huge respect for you all. i know i am very lucky to be sharing this worry with another - i will think of no guts , no glory - you are absolutely right . i hope you have a very supportive social worker/ council /agency who value you as i think single adopters are extremely special people. respect.
thanks for you kind replies both.

[WheresTheForum]

We (DH and I) adopted a baby 6 years ago in our 40s. Our life is as normal as anyone’s (whatever normal really is). We have a bright, loving child who adores us and whom we adore. Our life isn’t much different from that of her friends’ families. Granted, we have to remind her that she didn’t come from my tummy etc and talk about adoption, but that’s about it. She can be a bit anxious at times but I realise now that she’s one of several on her class like this and certainly not the worst. The other kids aren’t adopted btw.

I can’t answer the question of whether adoption is for you, but there are many families just like our whose lives are great.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you choose.

[GSM545]

thanks so much where'stheforum. lovely to hear about your lovely little one.

[Torvy]

I agree, training seems to be designed to bash out any hope of having a "normal" or even enjoyable parenthood. If you have any competence or realism, it seems they are determined to keep pressing on that until they force you to admit adopting a child is a futile exercise that means you will ruin your life! I guess it does have the capacity for that, so I saw it as the hot coffee warnings they put on cups. Yes, the coffee is hot, but with care, it's a nice thing to have, even if other people seem to just have very safe and sweet iced frappes. We also need to sometimes add extra sugar to make it work for us! Not that kids are coffee, and I won't labour the metaphor, but hopefullly you get my gist. The process also sometimes reminded me of that Simpsons driving school scene- " we will break you down, then build you up to be responsible citizens. Then break you, build you up, break you, then lunch. And if there is time afterwards, we will build you up again."

Don't get me wrong, my life has turned upside down since our two have joined us, and our parenting looks very little like other people's parenting, but we enjoy it a lot. "On paper" our two seem a bit trickier, and boy oh boy do we require patience, but they are hilarious and energetic and full of life in a way that I can't imagine what we would do all day without them. When I write down things that have happened or some typical behaviours for professionals to get them help and support, it reads like a worst case scenario, but for the most part we actually just sort of muddle along just fine. Yes, one of them weed on the rug specifically because he was angry. We also got him to clean it up, and made it into an ongoing joke about how only animals wee on the floor, can you see snail wee etc. We have strategies to deal with it and a thick skin, and we are getting better at it every day. We also debrief and plan like absolute lunatics, but we did that anyway. My life is lists.

I think it is easy to forget that at the end of the day, the children to be adopted have their own personalities and are people with their own quirks, interests and foibles, which in itself makes it odd because these are already formed. Sometimes i think it can be a bit like that show married at first sight! If you started living intimately with a stranger, of course it would be weird and would look different to the high-school sweethearts who live next door. It took years and years for me to learn to know as much as I do about my partner, what they like and the reasons behind their actions, and it's the same with adopted kids- its a long term thing. I often think that on some levels there is more consent and cooperation that requires a very different style of parenting because they get to see you at a time when you are new to parenting but they are experts at being a kid.

The very process of adoption is also very weird and isolating, as well as intrusive, which really isn't for everybody, and I think they do need to emphasise that. For example, one year on and we still have social worker visits regularly, but now I make them come with us to the park and nursery pick up for walking talking meetings because I'm so over sitting down with tea and biscuits whilst the kids bounce around us like hyperactive chipmunks. It's useful because the SW now regularly hears about his nursery shennanigans from someone apart from me, but the nursery teacher sure gives me strange looks when I bring along the 3rd social worker in 2 weeks to pick up. Social workers are interested in protecting the placement, of course, but that comes with your wellbeing and happiness too. The shift in attitude after placement feels much better, because we feel less like the idea of a family is being dangled in front of us to be taken away, and more like we can now ask things of them to protect our family unit.

You can also find fellowship in places that open up to you as you move through the process- so you have access to various support networks and people who "get it" once you are placed.

As a notw of hope, in terms of having kids, I think our lives are relatively normal although we are still in the early days. 6 months in and we are planning domestic holidays, we go on regular days out, we take the kids out to plenty of events etc. We spend an inordinate amount of money on baked potato goods, and a ridiculous amount of time at park (definitely more than average), and an obscene amount of time discussing/watching various emergency service vehicles, but we like it so far.

[GSM545]

@Torvy

I agree, training seems to be designed to bash out any hope of having a "normal" or even enjoyable parenthood. If you have any competence or realism, it seems they are determined to keep pressing on that until they force you to admit adopting a child is a futile exercise that means you will ruin your life! I guess it does have the capacity for that, so I saw it as the hot coffee warnings they put on cups. Yes, the coffee is hot, but with care, it's a nice thing to have, even if other people seem to just have very safe and sweet iced frappes. We also need to sometimes add extra sugar to make it work for us! Not that kids are coffee, and I won't labour the metaphor, but hopefullly you get my gist. The process also sometimes reminded me of that Simpsons driving school scene- " we will break you down, then build you up to be responsible citizens. Then break you, build you up, break you, then lunch. And if there is time afterwards, we will build you up again."

Don't get me wrong, my life has turned upside down since our two have joined us, and our parenting looks very little like other people's parenting, but we enjoy it a lot. "On paper" our two seem a bit trickier, and boy oh boy do we require patience, but they are hilarious and energetic and full of life in a way that I can't imagine what we would do all day without them. When I write down things that have happened or some typical behaviours for professionals to get them help and support, it reads like a worst case scenario, but for the most part we actually just sort of muddle along just fine. Yes, one of them weed on the rug specifically because he was angry. We also got him to clean it up, and made it into an ongoing joke about how only animals wee on the floor, can you see snail wee etc. We have strategies to deal with it and a thick skin, and we are getting better at it every day. We also debrief and plan like absolute lunatics, but we did that anyway. My life is lists.

I think it is easy to forget that at the end of the day, the children to be adopted have their own personalities and are people with their own quirks, interests and foibles, which in itself makes it odd because these are already formed. Sometimes i think it can be a bit like that show married at first sight! If you started living intimately with a stranger, of course it would be weird and would look different to the high-school sweethearts who live next door. It took years and years for me to learn to know as much as I do about my partner, what they like and the reasons behind their actions, and it's the same with adopted kids- its a long term thing. I often think that on some levels there is more consent and cooperation that requires a very different style of parenting because they get to see you at a time when you are new to parenting but they are experts at being a kid.

The very process of adoption is also very weird and isolating, as well as intrusive, which really isn't for everybody, and I think they do need to emphasise that. For example, one year on and we still have social worker visits regularly, but now I make them come with us to the park and nursery pick up for walking talking meetings because I'm so over sitting down with tea and biscuits whilst the kids bounce around us like hyperactive chipmunks. It's useful because the SW now regularly hears about his nursery shennanigans from someone apart from me, but the nursery teacher sure gives me strange looks when I bring along the 3rd social worker in 2 weeks to pick up. Social workers are interested in protecting the placement, of course, but that comes with your wellbeing and happiness too. The shift in attitude after placement feels much better, because we feel less like the idea of a family is being dangled in front of us to be taken away, and more like we can now ask things of them to protect our family unit.

You can also find fellowship in places that open up to you as you move through the process- so you have access to various support networks and people who "get it" once you are placed.

As a notw of hope, in terms of having kids, I think our lives are relatively normal although we are still in the early days. 6 months in and we are planning domestic holidays, we go on regular days out, we take the kids out to plenty of events etc. We spend an inordinate amount of money on baked potato goods, and a ridiculous amount of time at park (definitely more than average), and an obscene amount of time discussing/watching various emergency service vehicles, but we like it so far.

thanks so much Torvy for all the wise words and advice - you've made me laugh as well - its a lovely look inside you family life and I really appreciate the dose of nice realistic reality .

[GSM545]

this is a great way of thinking about it - much appreciated  "I often think that on some levels there is more consent and cooperation that requires a very different style of parenting because they get to see you at a time when you are new to parenting but they are experts at being a kid. '

[Whatthechicken]

When we were approved, we already had shown interest in two children. There were at a lot of issues regarding health for my daughter and anxiety for my son. I posted something very similar at the time of approval to you. All of a sudden I thought ‘who am I kidding, I can’t do this, I don’t have the skills to deal with this’. And I didn’t really have the skills or knowledge, (you learn most of these on the job), but I did ask for help when I needed it and the kids seemed to have faith in us.

I’d say it took us about two years to fully settle into our new normal. Those two years weren’t awful though - just a very steep learning curve for all of us. We’re five years down the line now and they are honestly my favourite people in the world. They are clever, funny, beautiful little people. They are sarcastic and have very dry senses of humour. I think my kids are a little more worldly wise than other children and they are so resilient. We are extremely honest with them about their pasts.

When you are first approved, you don’t know your children yet, so you can’t love them. All of those feelings of doom and worry and not balanced out by the feelings of love and protection.

I’m sure we will have issues and bumps in the road in a few years, but I know my kids now, so just like any other parents we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

[GSM545]

Whatthechicken thanks so much. you are right it's hard to imagine a life when there is no real child at the centre of it. thanks for telling me your kids sound amazing

[AMP16]

Thanks so much for starting this thread and sharing your experiences! I’m almost about to go to approval panel ans a single adopter and feeling similarly. Suddenly all starting to feel real and serious.

[GSM545]

hi AMP
it's really stressful isn't it- you aren't alone in feeling it !

[Shrinky]

I can totally identify with what you’re feeling! All through the process, I felt really positive and confident, and now we’re approved and waiting for a match, I find myself getting anxious at the thought that it could suddenly become real (we’re in our forties and have been through IVF). The uncertainty of when anything might happen doesn’t help either, especially in terms of my job which I love and have worked hard to get where I am. And then I wonder if these feelings mean I don’t want it as much as I should, whereas I was previously just excited and happy about it. At other times, that goes away and I feel happy and excited again, but it tends to resurface. Don’t know how normal this is!

The adoption board on here has been massively helpful though!

[GSM545]

we are exactly the same Shrinky. the uncertainty , being lucky enough to love our jobs. it's so hard the limbo. hope you are doing ok and yes really grateful we can reach out on these boards

[PinotGrigios]

We were in a similar position - over a decade of trying to have a birth child, then constantly having doubts throughout the adoption process. During that decade I have created a career I really really love and don't want to lose. We are similar sort of ages to you.

We had a deal that we were both allowed to express our doubts at any point, and we could always walk away if one of us wanted to. We would have a nice life without children and just get on with it.

The thing is, it's all pie in the sky until you meet your future child. Quite soon after approval I saw our daughter on linkmaker and just had a feeling that she was going to be ours. A year in, parenthood is the most wonderful, bonkers thing. She might have all sorts of issues in the future - in fact I am sure she will - but she's her - with all the incredible aspects of her character and soul that are a total wonder to me. It's exhausting and confusing and I worry about her far too much, but my goodness what a joy and a privilege it is to be her Mum.

Incidentally, I always worried about our ages. Felt sort of guilty that we are inflicting elderly parents on her in the future. But our daughter's birth father is older than us. Not all adopted children fit the cliche of young single mums or drug addled people in their twenties. Every child is different.

I think worries are normal and healthy. In fact, it's probably good to go into it thinking it might be awful. We are constantly surprised that things aren't as bad as we expected!! There is still wine, after all. We just cook ourselves a nice dinner at the end of the day and grumble about being knackered and go to bed stupidly early and then remember that we are, actually, pretty bloody happy.

[Shrinky]

It’s really helpful to read this. We have had similar conversations about always talking through any doubts etc. just never expected to feel like this after being approved! It’s reassuring to think it might be normal.

have you gone back to work now?

[PinotGrigios]

@Shrinky

It’s really helpful to read this. We have had similar conversations about always talking through any doubts etc. just never expected to feel like this after being approved! It’s reassuring to think it might be normal.

have you gone back to work now?

Yes, at the moment three days a week, looking to move to four in September, and full time once she starts school. It’s a big old juggle, but I seem to be in the same position as most of my friends with birth children, except we get 15hrs a week funded childcare which helps a little.

something that really helped was we both took the first three months off work and had a summer all together. It cost £££ as we lost an income, but gave us a really lovely time together to bond as a family. I realise not everyone can do that, but for us it was an investment in our future. We sold our campervan to pay for it!

Making plans like that helped ease our anxieties a bit as we moved into matching.

[Shrinky]

That’s amazing to have that opportunity to spend time all together initially! We’ve talked about having approx 6 weeks together, but don’t think we could manage longer financially.

It is also reassuring to hear about returning to work which is why I asked! I’ve read about so many people not being able to return full time or even part time, so it’s good to know that it’s possible and people do do it! I’d definitely want to go back to work.

[wildestdream]

Hello,
I have two adopted children, not biologically related. Both have their own very very different personalities!! And both have opposite issues

One has a learning difficulty and a physical difficulty (only diagnosed age 6).

The other has a sensory disorder and adoption trauma. Very quick thinking and agile. They are best friends though.

Life is definitely more complex. But please can I tell you how much we love them? They drive us absolutely round the bend. Our relationship has been tested to its limit. But we adore them. I've never fought for anyone the way I fight for them. I fight for them to receive extra support etc and the NHS has fought me every step of the way. But we are succeeding now.

They will test you to your limit. But we still take them on holiday, abroad and in the UK. We go to play group, they do gym classes. They play in the garden and do sleep overs with their cousins. They are very normal in many ways.

I wouldn't change them

[Shrinky]

Thanks wildestdream 😊

[Welcomingoptimism]

We adopted at 40, we’re 5 years in and have a very lively active happy little boy!! A little behind his peers with writing, drawing skills etc but mostly very happy and intelligent and very cheeky!!!! We both work 4 days a week and he could probably cope if we worked 5 but we just about get by financially and we value our day to ourselves!! So we stick at it!! Some days are tough, some days aren’t but even during the phases when every day is tough we wouldn’t change a thing! He is our world and we are his, there is nothing like it! I know this post is a little old now and I hope things are progressing well for you!!

we had a potential match fall through after approval panel and it really devastated us!! We scheduled to meet with our SW to say we wanted to take a break snd weren’t sure we wanted to wanted to progress, 2 days before the meeting we had a message in link maker that led to our son. Things happen for a reason I do truly believe that as I now can’t imagine there ever being a better match than the 3 of us!

[GSM545]

sorry to drop off this thread - have been ill and not posting. i can't thank you all enough for your thoughts perspectives and stories. it's stopping me spiralling into hypothetical anxiety !
xx

[ScottishBeth]

I'm not in the same situation as you, but just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone in feeling like this.

When we were in the early stages of assessment I was reading this forum a lot. Whenever I saw a thread about being approved/matched or little ones finally moving in, everyone responded saying congratulations. And I didn't understand why experienced adopters were offering congratulations. Because these adopters were in for a horrendous life. (I thought.)

I guess deep down I mist have known that it wouldn't be like that, because we went through the process and currently we are watching In the Night Garden and I have a (clean) baby wipe on my head ('hat!). It's still early days for us but I am just trusting that however hard it is, loving this amazing little girl will be an amazing thing.

[GSM545]

Scottishbeth thanks so much for being so honest - you sound so
happy with your LO and that is so heartwarming. that is so what i felt when i passed panel - why is everyone acting like this is a good thing for me when it is me getting approved to -it feels like-ruin my life? on a bad day it felt like a massive con job by the state along the lines of- which sucker am i going to manipulate into taking one of these children off our expensive care list ( and then not support them to be able to undo the damage that they didn't create). it's the worst moment of my life-
feeling like i am about to destroy myself for this, and to know that everyone feels that's ok as only the child is important (and i know i won't let them down- none of this is their fault) .
i think if we lived in a world where the authorities were right behind us as adopters in providing whatever the child and parent needed throughout our lives to give it our absolutely best shot i would feel differently. that's not what i see happening with what adopters need to battle with

[Italiangreyhound]

@GSM545 hi how are you doing? thinking of you.