Adoption

[josyjose]

Hi there me and my partner thinking of adopting. What is the average wait in UK for under 2. As that's the age we would love to have.

[Christmasbahhumbug]

For me it was 9 months from enquiry to dd coming home but that was quite unusual circumstances. I know locally there are currently far more adopters than children waiting, particularly for the age range you specify. Your best bet would be to contact your local authority or agency and go to an information session where these kind of questions can be asked.

best wishes

[tonyhawks23]

Our wait was 3 years.i always recommend joining adoption UK as a great starting point.good luck!

[WhoopItUp]

Ours was 12 months but it varies enormously from area to area.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

It depends on your definition of wait. First time round we were linked 3 1/2 months after approval panel. LO was 8 months old at this stage but didn't come home until they were 13 months old. Their SW had been allowed to look for an adoptive placement since they were 6 months old. From first registering with our agency until moving in was 19 months

Second time round, we were linked within days of approval panel. LO was 14 months old and came home aged 19 months. His SW had been allowed to look for his adoptive placement since he was 7 months old and unbeknownst to us at the time, we'd been tentatively put forward as a potential matched when he was around 8 months old. From first registering with our agency until moving in was 20 months.

I would recommend researching both foster to adopt and the more traditional route of adoption. F2A is not offered all over the U.K. though and is much more uncertain because the child could be reunited within the birth family rather being adopted by you at the end of the process.

[josyjose]

OK thanks for your input guys. Me and my partner talking about it.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Everyone has answered your question, but some maybe haven't given you the full picture.

Before you get anywhere near bringing home your child you need to go through approval. The '6 months timescale' is only when accepted for assessment which I think is what is now referred to as 'Stage 2'. So before Stage 2 there is stage 1 of basic checks. Before stage 1 there is going to some kind of introduction session so you know what you are letting yourself in for.

A few things also to be clear on just in case:
the younger the child the more uncertainty there may be in development
you have to bring your child up knowing they are adopted
you are likely to have some contact, probably indirect letter box with the birth mother

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Oh also, there isn't a queue that you eventually get to the top of. They find parents for the child, not children for the parents.

[Chocapple]

The first hurdle is to get accepted by an Agency to be Assessed. Lots of people enquire.

You could spend at least 12 months and often a lot longer in the Assessment process and it is very very thorough. The SW's will ask absolutely anything and everything.

I know of people that were approved as Adopters 12 -18 months ago and have not yet been Matched with a child. It can take a very long time to be Matched with a child 0-2 as that's what most Adopters want.

Agencies tend to be much more wanting to take on people who are looking for an older child, sibling groups, child with special needs/disabilities. They are the children who are waiting far longer for an Adoptive family.

The Assessment process is the easy bit ! It is a huge leap into the unknown adopting a child. Do lots and lots of research and do not think "these really really really challenging children wont happen to us". You have no way of knowing. Child to Parent violence is something that many many Adopters experience. Parent can have to go part time or give up work.

Children Removed from birth often have lots of uncertainties and things become apparent when they reach school age e.g ADHD/AUTISM, FASD

This forum has numerous threads about Adoption. It shows the REALITY of Adoption. Both the good, the bad and the inbetween.

Adoption has changed my life and been the hardest thing I've ever done.

But Adoption is also the best thing I have ever done.

Good luck if you decide to proceed. There's a huge and very supportive Adoption community around.. esp here and on FB.

X

[Ted27]

@josyjose

just to add to the above answers, age is only one factor that needs to be taken into consideration, all children looking for families will have a range of needs that need to be taken into account.

At this point you are probably best researching adoption in general, eg trauma, attachment, FASD. Go along to some information evenings. Ask lots of questions.
We were all new to adoption once - no such thing as a silly question, ask away!

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I’d also say there’s no “U.K.” process. England and Wales work to similar processes while Scotland and Northern Ireland have completely different legislation and their processes reflect that. I know for example matching can take a good while in Northern Ireland while my matching process was pretty straightforward in Scotland. It can help to say which nation you’re in so folk can direct their information appropriately.

[josyjose]

Thanks to all of you who have commented. I know there are other factors other than age also. Defo something to think about.cheers for you input.

[josyjose]

Hi guys me again. Is there a BMI limit to adopt. Has anyone had problems because of their weight. Please

[madeyemoody]

If you are in England then your location will be a big factor in length of wait for matching. In the NW there are more children than parents down south it's the other way round.

BMI will only be a problem if your GP advises it is and the medical advisor who independently goes through your medical assessment decides that it's too high. My partner and me have BMI above 35 and haven't had one thing said about it.

Finances are the big focus right now due to cost of living crisis. You will need savings right not to be able to adopt is the general consensus and wasn't so much of a focus previously. You will also need to show proof of incoming and outgoing money for the last 6 months which are assessed with a fine tooth comb!! We are lucky to have no debt and a good chunk of savings but it didn't stop them asking me to cut down on Amazon and Vinted purchases!

Currently in stage 2 and the process is still fresh in my mind if you have more questions

[madeyemoody]

Wanted to add that it's more complex than saying you want an under 2 and the first under 2 that comes along will be matched with you. When you are approved there might be 10 under 2 babies waiting for adoption but for whatever reason the family finders don't think you are a match for that baby.

[josyjose]

OK thanks for the input. Why is it so hard?. We got no savings either. So is that it then. No child . So unfair.

[Simonjt]

@josyjose

OK thanks for the input. Why is it so hard?. We got no savings either. So is that it then. No child . So unfair.

If you don’t have savings how were you going to fund adoption leave (most adoption levels of pay are very low) or childcare when adoption leave ends? If you can’t afford save any money at the moment, it is unlikely you could afford to feed, clothe, buy toys etc for a child.

If you want children you can look at ways to change your financial situation.

Why is it so hard? Children in care are actual human beings, it should be hard.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

@josyjose

OK thanks for the input. Why is it so hard?. We got no savings either. So is that it then. No child . So unfair.

It isn't unfair, except in the wider sense that life is unfair.

You need to put yourself in the mind of the SW and the child.

The child has ha a rubbish start in life and may come with additional needs of some sort. They need to be as confident as they can that the adopters will be able to meet those needs.
The reason for savings is so that if needed one of the parents can go part time or sty at home for at least the first year, if not longer. Some adopted children just can't cope in a childcare setting.

If you were a placing SW, who would you choose - a family who would need to go back to work after 6 months regardless due to finances, or a family with a cushion who could have a stay at home parent for 2 years until the child started school?

Similarly on weight / general health. They want you to be fit enough to run around after a young child, and still be fit enough to cope with the emotional ups an downs that might come in teen years. They don't want people at a high risk of major illnesses in the next 20 years, and they can for many children be picky on this.

You have to get into the mindset. Their job isn't to find you a child. Their job is to find the best possible parents for a child they have in care.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

With the greatest of respect, how did you think it worked? Chiding parents for a child who has already been removed from their birth family, with all the associated trauma, is a complex, tricky job. Social workers need to be sure

• the prospective parents understand the impact of trauma on children
• are able to cope with a child who has complex needs
• is financially secure enough to meet their needs, including childcare, and possibly needing to reduce working hours
• that they can get down on the floor and play, can run around after kids and give them a healthy, active life
• can help the child grow physically, emotionally and psychologically
• has dealt with their own challenges enough that they won’t adversely affect the child
• has a stable support network around them to with the challenges of parenting

the list could go on for pages. It takes time to assess and involved prospective adopters being very open about all aspects of their lives, being prepared to make changes as needed. You can change your weight, change your financial situation etc if adoption is something you want to do. Those changes are a drop in the ocean compared to how much your life changes post placement.

There are very few things that mean you automatically can’t adopt, but it will take time and consideration. It’s not quick or easy and more should it be.

[josyjose]

Yes I know its not easy. I've got my head screwed on. But I've met with a fellow adopter and she says you don't need to worry financially as they help with childcare costs etc.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

@josyjose

Yes I know its not easy. I've got my head screwed on. But I've met with a fellow adopter and she says you don't need to worry financially as they help with childcare costs etc.

I can imagine they might commit to help with some costs for a hard to place child, but far less likely for an easier to place under 2 yo.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

There are some circumstances in which an adoption allowance might be payable but it’s increasingly rare and usually when children are deemed hard to place. It’s expected that prospective adopters can meet their child’s needs and that they have the financial means to do so.

I’d go into adoption with the assumption that there will be no financial assistance beyond child benefit - if any further support does then become available it’s a bonus rather than a necessity.

[josyjose]

OK thanku. I'm just feeling so depressed. About it all. The thought of a family seems so far away. Or might not happen 🤔

[tonyhawks23]

You get 15 hours childcare once they are so if childcare is in the child's best interest you can then work in that time,but you need enough savings to do adoption leave and afford all the Costs any child needs and need to be able to take more time off work if needed.for us I'm a year in and not yet back to work and my husband took 6 months of work as it's really hard to settle them in at the start and you need to put the time in rather than being at work.dont dispair,it's a long journey and takes alot to get things in place to adopt but saving is a good place to start.i think you definitely need to plan financially and aim to get as much time off work as possible,you will need that time at the start,first year say,if not ongoing.

[tonyhawks23]

Sorry should say once they are 2

[Chocapple]

I am a solo adopter. When researching adoption it was clear that there is no way of knowing whether you will be able to return to work full time, go part time or have to give up work.

I spent years getting my mental and physical health in tip top condition, paying off huge chunks of my mortgage, saving a few £1000, getting childcare experience and sorting the house out. I.e new boiler, shed... all the jobs I wouldn't have time to do with a child.

When it came to my application, Assessment and Matching the SW's were all biting my arm off.

I was Matched with a 4 year old boy with no real challenges and would cope with before/afterschool club. All was fantastic I couldn't believe it after hearing about so many difficulties with families.

As soon as he came home two years ago... woah... it was clear that he had humongous difficulties. I have had to spend 1000's on specialist toys, equipment, replacing numerous broken household items. I spend lots of time awake during the night due to his difficulties at night. I have had to give up work and have put on 4 stone. I received significant child to parent violence lasting a year before it started to get at all manageable.

Its proving incredibly difficult to do anything about the weight gain. Pre child I would cycle 1 hour every day and walk for 30 mins at lunch. Now I do virtually nothing as I spend the time when he's at school putting the house back from being a tip, sleeping and sorting out all the Admin.

There are many Adopters who can go back to work yet there are many who cant. There is no way of actually knowing what your child would be like even after reading the child's CPR.

If I had not been mentally and financially in tip condition and been able to give up work the Placement would have failed.

SW's have to be confident that Adopters will be able to deal with a wide variety of potential challenges.

Adopting is all about finding a family for a child and not about finding a child for a family.

Now I can see exactly why SW's are so strict about weight, health, finances etc.

Adoption is hard.