Not sure I can cope

[ScaredAdopter]

Very early into placement - a few days - with a little girl aged 2. She’s a great kid. Might be a honeymoon period but she seems to have attached quite well, sleeps well and generally no major behavioural issues beyond the usual toddler strops.

But I just have this constant feeling that I can’t cope with this change and that adopting was a huge mistake. And I feel massive guilt.

DP has fallen in love with her and is coping really well. I don’t want to tell them what I’m feeling because I don’t want to ruin their joy.

We’re both getting decent sleep as LO sleeps well. We get some down time in the evening after she goes to sleep. So I don’t think that just getting down time will help me.

I find myself feeling resentful of all the things that were totally predictable about having a toddler in the house - mess, toys everywhere, having to plan every trip out. I find myself cuddling my dog and crying and wishing for my old life where I could just do what I wanted when I wanted.

I feel so stupid for all of this. It’s not like the issues (so far at least) are due to adoption or trauma related issues. It feels much more fundamental that maybe it was just a big mistake for me to become a parent.

I’m terrified of this feeling because I can’t see it going anywhere - none of this stuff is going to change. My DP is due back to work in a week and I’ve no idea how I will feel being on my own with LO all day every day.

Not sure what I’m looking for on here - maybe some reassurance that this feeling might pass. I so desperately want to enjoy having this LO in my life. We’ve spent so long waiting for her - and now it feels like my options are for the adoption to break down (which I would feel dreadful about and think would actually sink my marriage too); or just to ride it out, go through the motions but feeling miserable throughout it for the next 15 years! It feels really bleak.

Sending hugs.

you are absolutely not the only one who felt like this, in fact there are threads like yours posted here regularly. I felt exactly as you did post-placement and I’ve never been so unhappy. My DH was the same as yours and if he hadn’t been, I would probably have asked to end the placement. The feelings passed and I gradually started to bond with my DC and the love came. They are now the absolute centre of my world and I adore them.

What you’re feeling is completely natural. Your world has turned upside down and as yet, you have no connection or bond with your child. Bit don’t panic, give it time, and tell people you trust how you’re feeling. So often on here I get the impression that women struggle more than men (apologies if you’re a man!) and I think it’s because we put some much pressure on ourselves and expect to have instant love. Be kind to yourself, this is normal
💐

This sounds like post-adoption depression. I would strongly advise a trip to the GP, and mention the possibility of post adoption depression. The idea may be new to them, so give them chance to google it. Please have a chat with your social worker.

You're only a few days in, your life has been turned upside down, it's no great surprise you're struggling. The early days are really difficult, please let people know how you're struggling- it doesn't make you a bad parent, reaching out for help is a good-parent thing to do.

Bringing a child home is going to be a huge shock to the system and instead of a newborn you suddenly have a two year old! We go through months/years of training, assessments and waiting.... We're working towards what we have always wanted, right? There's elation at finding the right match and bringing the child home, which inevitably dissipates and that big high can lead to feeling really low. I don't think what you're feeling is unusual. There is a strong tendency for adopters to feel that they should be grateful (it's what we always wanted...) but with that can come guilt. Talking to your partner is really important so that you can support each other. Please don't think of it as spoiling their journey! The end result of you concealing your feelings is not receiving any support, which would become a much bigger issue later down the line for both of you and your child. Do you have a supportive social worker? They may be able to make some suggestions to help you with bonding and that might make you feel less overwhelmed at the change? I really recommend that you have a chat to them about how you are feeling. You are not the first, nor will you be the last person to feel this way! Please look after yourself and it sounds like you are both doing a really good job with her (even despite how you are feeling right now!)

Thanks for this. Can I ask how long it took for the feelings to pass for you?

Thanks for this - I feel like we have some moments that lend themselves to bonding - she loves when I tickle her or ‘eat her toes’ and when we’re doing that she allows me to cradle her. It’s 90% laughing but also 10% lovely little moments of staring into each other’s eyes.

But I just can’t seem to translate that into embracing or even accepting the changes to my life.

@ScaredAdopter
your feelings are really very normal and not at all unusual

My best advice is to start getting into a daily routine now so when your DP goes back to work you arent left thinking about what you are going to do all day.
Find some toddler groups and plan them into your week to break it up.
Go swimming - skin to skin contact is great for bonding.
I flipping hate swimming but my son loved it and it did help. We got whole mornings or afternoons out of swimming trips - always followed by a lunch or a snack at the cafe.

You will find your groove but it will take a bit of time - and do please talk to your partner, it doesnt help to bottle things up. I’m sure many new mums feel apprensive about being left alone with babies, its no different for you.

Your feelings are really normal, I completely felt total guilt and found it very overwelming, its a massive life change. Im now just past 3 months in with same age wee one and dont feel like that atall anymore, shes absolutely part of the family and the chaos is comic and normal. Give yourself time for this to normalise for you, and do share your feelings with your partner and close friends as it does help to talk about how hard things are. For bonding building I found bathing with them every day really good, embracing the splashing etc and playing playing playing, giving the milk from a baby bottle on your lap like a baby etc, eye contact etc, snuggling up for stories or cebebbies and doing things you enjoy together. And so important to have really really solid routine to really help you and them know whats next etc. It will be really hard when your partner goes back at work but this is a normal feeling of being desperate for them to return and your routine will get you through the day until suddenly you will be enjoying your day, but this does take time dont worry. Lower your expectations of how much you cook, clean etc so you can rest when she naps and get as much support as you can.
Also, super congratulations!!!

Hi 👋

You are so not alone in this feeling, I adopted 2 little boys 16 months ago both under 2 at the time. I was totally winging it for a good few weeks it’s a total baptism of fire. Mine didn’t sleep and one still doesn’t so take the wind you have she must be very settler which is amazing and it sounds like your doing some lovely bonding things.

some people have given great advice, I would totally say routine is your friend, commentate your life, plan fun things and normal daily things my little ones love helping load the washing machine and unpacking the shopping - I felt this also helped with them leaning about the house too.

reach out to this group, support networks, social workers everyone around you.. and utilise your partner.

if I look back now I can’t imagine my life without them they are my world and more!

sending hugs xx

Also don’t forget you don’t have the pregnancy post birth hormones pulling you thru, you have a little person in your house who moves, talks has emotions and is probably feeling a little overwhelmed too, just love each other and take each day as it comes. X

It’s only a few days in to a massive life change. I think it’s different for the partner who knows they’ll be back at work soon. You’ve possibly stopped working for a year or so and working life may be different when you return, you’ll be used to being independent and now find yourself needing support for the simplest of errands, your home environment has changed, you’ve got another person wholly dependent on you and you don’t have a relationship with them to inform your care for them.

I feels overwhelming because it is, and that’s before you knowing the journey you had to get here. You didn’t just make a choice to have a child, you jumped through every hoop imaginable - and now your “prize” has turned your life upside down with very little practical or psychological space to adjust. And of course you have everyone telling you how lucky you are, to enjoy this time etc etc so how could you say you’re finding the change hard going?

Theres a middle road between disruption and being utterly miserable. You can remind yourself you’re going through a life changing transition, have compassion for the part of you that misses the carefree days before, and for the part of you that wants this little one. Give yourself time to make the adjustment - think of other major changes in your life, is it part of your normal process to find change hard or is this new to you.

Things that helped me were therapy - somewhere completely safe where I could talk about how hard it was and someone who could help me make sense of my feelings. Pacing myself - I didn’t need to get it right all the time, or run a perfect house, or prepare gourmet meals. Start establishing your own routine, don’t be wedded to whatever the foster carers did - give yourself permission to find your feet as a mum. Watch her sleep - seriously, I could find love and compassion for my two when they were sleeping even after being at my wits end during the day.

Down time is fine, but what are you doing with it? Are you connecting with your friendship group, getting some fresh air, doing something you enjoy it are you cleaning, tidying or slumped in front of the tv exhausted? Have you spoken to your partner about what will happen when he’s back at work? We agreed my DH would take the kids as soon as he got in from work so I could decompress a bit, agreed weekend lie ins and free time while the other did childcare.

Its a tough transition to make, but you’ll get there. It took a good few months for me to really find my feet but you know, one day I looked round my house with the toys and chaos, and at the kids doing their own thing, and realised it was what I wanted all along. If you told me that I’d feel that way in the first week post placement I’d have laughed in your face - it just takes time.

It is a huge life change and totally normal to feel you you're feeling. I remember having a 'what the fuck have I done' moment about a week in where I just broke down in tears. We are nearly three years in. We've had a difficult time but it does get easier. Make sure you are honest with your husband and your social worker.

Sorry, posted too soon but I was going to say these are big feelings to be holding in and you'll feel better once you have opened up to someone.

We're almost 6 months in and I can remember the feelings we had in the first few weeks. I was fortunate that my partner had 5 weeks off so we were able to do it together for much longer, the first few weeks after he had gone back to work were hell I must admit. Our eldest (yes we got siblings) started at that pointed really playing up and we had 2 months of pure hell after that. Things have only started getting stabilised in the last month or so. I go back to work in 6 weeks and then my partner is having 2 months off. I cannot wait to go back to work at this point

Just wanted to hop on the thread to say this was also me! You’re definitely not alone. I was so consumed with panic on days two to four that I couldn’t eat, wasn’t sleeping and was constantly crying.
What helped:

• speaking to friends and family


• speaking to my wife


• talking to my gp and getting medication to help ( I was already taking a small amount anti anxiety medication so that was upped and I was prescribed something to force my heart rate to slow) - honestly this was my life saver


• Reminding myself I didn’t need to be perfect, that this feeling would pass and that I could survive this until I was able to thrive.

it’s a huge huge change that I don’t think some of our brains are able to cope with. I think having a newborn must be hard, but we have a child who is essentially a complete stranger who we’re suddenly responsible for! It’s bonkers really.
I am three months down the line and a world away from where I was then. Look after yourself. It will pass, and sooner than it feels it will.

So sorry this is hard. I think it does get easier. The fact that a toddler is messy or whatever is all good, because that's what little ones do.

It may be post adoption depression, or just normal blues after such a big change.

Try and remember all the reasons you wanted to adopted etc.

Do you have friends, support, to lean on?

Thanks for all the supporting messages - I have spoken to my DP who has been so supportive. I feel so guilty not just for LO, but also for DP who has fallen in love with her. I’m now essentially saying that I’m not 100% sure I can go on with this.

Things are a little better - talking to my DP has definitely helped. But I still look around and wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake. I’m just not sure I’m meant to be a parent. There are some lovely moments - but lots of it I just find really mundane. It feels like the days go so slow and I look forward so much to bedtime. I wake each morning thinking ‘oh I’ve got to do it all again’. I think of all the adult things that me and DP can’t do together now - friends parties or nights out - and feel like I’ve chosen a life that I don’t actually want.

And our LO is doing so well - not at all challenging so far. The problem is me, not her. Even in the lovely moments there is this constant weight in my chest that I can’t shake that I’ve made a mistake. I looked around today at a fantastic DP, a great kid and thought how lucky I am - so why can’t I enjoy it?!

I have booked a GP appointment and plan to have some therapy if possible. I’m hoping they will help me get over this because I hate feeling like this and I don’t want this to break down.

Thats really great your talking about your feelings and your going to see the GP, I hope these really help as they helped me alot. I found a huge help was talking to really good friends too and doing adult things with DP and the kids like going for a pub lunch really helpful too, give it time but do know that the really tough bit doesnt last forever. They will soon be doing things for themselves etc and then they start school or nursery and you get a break and a chance to do more adult stuff and its a world easier by then. Little ones are pretty mundane but it gets better.

I wanted to recommend Adoption UK meet ups - they have a regular zoom meet up for early days adopters - it could really really help you to chat to people going through the same as you are. They also have a really good recorded webinar of adopters talking about their experience with post adoption depression, I found this one really helpful and may well be worth a watch.

Its such a hard time and such a strange time. It is like a groundhog day as your establish routine etc but then suddenly its good.

Thanks - really good point about the meet ups. I have actually been looking for some in person meet ups or adoption-specific play dates as I think it would be helpful to connect with others who have experienced adoptions in person.

Am being open with close friends about what I’m dealing with. They’re great and very supportive but they’re not adopters so there’s a limit in how much they can support compared to people who’ve been through it.

There are some lovely moments - but lots of it I just find really mundane. It feels like the days go so slow and I look forward so much to bedtime. I wake each morning thinking ‘oh I’ve got to do it all again’.

I remember the shock of realising just how much of parenting was sheer drudgery - the housework, laundry, cooking etc while caring for small children. Also how much time it took to set up an activity (like some craft thing), for it to only occupy the kids for 5 minutes max, when I’d need to tidy away and find something else to do with them. You kind of need to find your stride with things.

Did you have an idea of what life would be like as a parent? Some of the things you mention go with the territory a bit (eg not going to adult activities together) but we usually envisage a payoff, in the form
of family life - what did you think family life would be like? I found that once I had realised my fantasy family life, adjusted it for real life, I was able to recognise the bits that I love that keep me going.

At the moment it’s very early days, in time you may be able to arrange some baby sitting so you and DH can get out together - this stage is temporary, you will have adult times with your other half again. I know that’s not the only thing going on here but the change in relationship is huge in early placement.

@ScaredAdopter

talking to your DP is a great first step - well done

yes a lot of parenting is mundane and boring, but so is life generally, there will always be washing, cleaning, cooking, bills to pay, regardless of whether or not you have a child.
Yes the days can seem very long, this is why a routine is so important, it helps to get you through the day. Time for adult things and your partner will come back, draw in your support network, you can still meet your friends, she will go to nursery, you will go back to work, slowly that new life will fall into place. It won’t be overnight, or even a few weeks, it will probably take several months.

Many people struggle initially, my son was in school after 6 weeks, I was relieved - it gave me space to adjust on my own. But these first few weeks are tough.
Think back to what you wanted from having a child - those things will come, in time
keep talking - it helps

I just wanted to drop back in and say thanks again to those who posted.

I’m doing much better. Still have a bit of a knot in my tummy but I’m much more relaxed and feel like I can do this. Focusing on what we’re getting right - she’s safe, clean, healthy, getting plenty of play, sleep and fresh air. I’ve injected more adult things back in my day - putting on a podcast while pottering about the house or sitting down for a coffee when I’m out with her.

Not out of the woods yet. But I feel much more reassured that I can do this and be ok. Thanks to everyone on here who helped me with this.

So glad to hear you're feeling a wee bit better, thanks for the update. We haven't adopted yet, so can only imagine what those early days might be like, but have been thinking of you.

I'm so glad to see your doing better. Always reach out, sometimes a general moan is what we need. We adopted our little one just over 2 and a half years ago and I can relate to all the feeling you are feeling now. It's like after all the highs of approval, matching etc and finding out all about your little one your now empty.. there's nothing to work towards and that had a negative impact towards me. Life went back to normal for my DH when he went back to work (he did have a month off) and I was left trying to fill up the day. I stuck to routine religiously and put so much pressure on myself. My DH would come home and I'd say I've got to bath. I'd sit there until she went to bed. She was fantastic it was me with the problem. I had my sister come sit with her after a few months for me to get out (go gym etc) and I hated going home. Not to her but my life. Then covid hid and we were banged up. I thought I was going to explode but it had the opposite affect. I realised I was putting the pressure on myself. One morning in May (6 months later) I woke and didn't feel dread. We were out walking daily and I felt free most of the day. No strict routine just hours of fresh air and sing songs. I haven't looked back since. Yes there's days that are hard still but good far outweigh the bad. Just be patient with yourself and your day to day life. You've worked hard for this and you've been chosen because you are capable and good enough. Please be kind to yourself and low the pressure and expectation you put on yourself. I've recently gone back to full time work after her going to school full time and I'm looking to reduce hours again because I miss her too much. What a turn around. I really hope this works out for you. Always message away. Sending hugs xx

OP I have both birth and adopted children. After my first child was born I completely felt that I had ‘ruined’ my life. It was just an adjustment though and passed. So it’s not always about adoption but sometimes just the transition to parent hood. They are a huge human now and I love them to the ends of the earth and we have a great relationship.

A bit late to this OP and I hope you’re feeling a bit stronger.
I could’ve written your post 9 years ago. A whirlwind of an 16 month old boy who wouldn’t sit still. It will take time. We got our boy in the January and hand on heart I didn’t feel like I could cope until the April (i remember really enjoying Easter so the timeline was ingrained!).

• keep talking to your partner, friends and family.
• try not to worry about the mess until the end of the day - I hated everything that I had in ‘order’ was constantly being messed up. Had to get over myself.
• it will take you longer to get out the house - I used to get so cross with muddy pram wheels getting into the boot ruining my outfit! (What an eejit)
• embrace the downtime - ours was a good sleeper too - thank god!
• Routine.
• have a radio on in kitchen so you can hear news/grown up stuff in background
• i had some adult time with old friends. A coffee for an hour or two without toddler at heels was a godsend. I did evenings when he was asleep
• Take help if it is offered
• Find parents with kids of a similar age - you’ll be surprised how the frustrations can be similar - adoption aside.

oh and now that 11 year old is the love of my life along with his little brother that came along later 😊.