Very early into placement - a few days - with a little girl aged 2. She’s a great kid. Might be a honeymoon period but she seems to have attached quite well, sleeps well and generally no major behavioural issues beyond the usual toddler strops.
But I just have this constant feeling that I can’t cope with this change and that adopting was a huge mistake. And I feel massive guilt.
DP has fallen in love with her and is coping really well. I don’t want to tell them what I’m feeling because I don’t want to ruin their joy.
We’re both getting decent sleep as LO sleeps well. We get some down time in the evening after she goes to sleep. So I don’t think that just getting down time will help me.
I find myself feeling resentful of all the things that were totally predictable about having a toddler in the house - mess, toys everywhere, having to plan every trip out. I find myself cuddling my dog and crying and wishing for my old life where I could just do what I wanted when I wanted.
I feel so stupid for all of this. It’s not like the issues (so far at least) are due to adoption or trauma related issues. It feels much more fundamental that maybe it was just a big mistake for me to become a parent.
I’m terrified of this feeling because I can’t see it going anywhere - none of this stuff is going to change. My DP is due back to work in a week and I’ve no idea how I will feel being on my own with LO all day every day.
Not sure what I’m looking for on here - maybe some reassurance that this feeling might pass. I so desperately want to enjoy having this LO in my life. We’ve spent so long waiting for her - and now it feels like my options are for the adoption to break down (which I would feel dreadful about and think would actually sink my marriage too); or just to ride it out, go through the motions but feeling miserable throughout it for the next 15 years! It feels really bleak.
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
Not sure I can cope
ScaredAdopter · 01/06/2022 10:02
WhoopItUp · 01/06/2022 10:29
Sending hugs.
you are absolutely not the only one who felt like this, in fact there are threads like yours posted here regularly. I felt exactly as you did post-placement and I’ve never been so unhappy. My DH was the same as yours and if he hadn’t been, I would probably have asked to end the placement. The feelings passed and I gradually started to bond with my DC and the love came. They are now the absolute centre of my world and I adore them.
What you’re feeling is completely natural. Your world has turned upside down and as yet, you have no connection or bond with your child. Bit don’t panic, give it time, and tell people you trust how you’re feeling. So often on here I get the impression that women struggle more than men (apologies if you’re a man!) and I think it’s because we put some much pressure on ourselves and expect to have instant love. Be kind to yourself, this is normal
💐
Kindee · 01/06/2022 10:45
Bringing a child home is going to be a huge shock to the system and instead of a newborn you suddenly have a two year old! We go through months/years of training, assessments and waiting.... We're working towards what we have always wanted, right? There's elation at finding the right match and bringing the child home, which inevitably dissipates and that big high can lead to feeling really low. I don't think what you're feeling is unusual. There is a strong tendency for adopters to feel that they should be grateful (it's what we always wanted...) but with that can come guilt. Talking to your partner is really important so that you can support each other. Please don't think of it as spoiling their journey! The end result of you concealing your feelings is not receiving any support, which would become a much bigger issue later down the line for both of you and your child. Do you have a supportive social worker? They may be able to make some suggestions to help you with bonding and that might make you feel less overwhelmed at the change? I really recommend that you have a chat to them about how you are feeling. You are not the first, nor will you be the last person to feel this way! Please look after yourself and it sounds like you are both doing a really good job with her (even despite how you are feeling right now!)
tonyhawks23 · 04/06/2022 21:29
Thats really great your talking about your feelings and your going to see the GP, I hope these really help as they helped me alot. I found a huge help was talking to really good friends too and doing adult things with DP and the kids like going for a pub lunch really helpful too, give it time but do know that the really tough bit doesnt last forever. They will soon be doing things for themselves etc and then they start school or nursery and you get a break and a chance to do more adult stuff and its a world easier by then. Little ones are pretty mundane but it gets better.
I wanted to recommend Adoption UK meet ups - they have a regular zoom meet up for early days adopters - it could really really help you to chat to people going through the same as you are. They also have a really good recorded webinar of adopters talking about their experience with post adoption depression, I found this one really helpful and may well be worth a watch.
Its such a hard time and such a strange time. It is like a groundhog day as your establish routine etc but then suddenly its good.
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