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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Just starting the adoption process

55 replies

DLouise2004 · 13/03/2018 23:26

Hi guys I wondered if anyone just starting the process may want to join me to chat through the journey and discuss what we are all going through? We are just starting our journey and excited, scared, nervous all at the same time! X

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DLouise2004 · 29/04/2018 08:37

All our references have now received letters and questions and our DBS checks submitted so getting there slowly but surely. Have half day training next week on work books. How us everyone else getting on in their journey? X

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Hazza01 · 22/04/2018 19:34

It’s the hardest part for most people I think. Stage 1 will fly by xx

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DLouise2004 · 22/04/2018 19:18

I can imagine @Hazza01 that the waiting is a bit agonising - I think I may struggle with that part!

I am very excited and very scared!

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Hazza01 · 22/04/2018 14:17

After 3 months approval my LA placed me on the National Register and I am also using Link Maker so matching is a team effort really between my SW and myself. I just wanted to be proactive and feel like I’m having an input otherwise the wait becomes really hard. Aw you are just at the start of your journey, so exciting isn’t it xx

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DLouise2004 · 22/04/2018 14:06

That's really good @Hazza01 - so in terms of matching are you needing to do anything or is it the SW that looks at this?

We are starting stage 1 this week - so at the very start! X

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Hazza01 · 22/04/2018 11:23

The process has been ok so far but the waiting is hard and frustrating. Lots of highs and lows. Fortunately, I have an amazing SW who is so supportive and my LA seem to be efficient and on the ball which really helps so I cannot complain. What stage are you at? X

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DLouise2004 · 22/04/2018 11:06

Hi @Hazza01 congratulations - you are so close! How have you found the whole process? X

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Hazza01 · 22/04/2018 10:16

Hi, I am new to this site and just wanted to say hello. I am a single adopter and have been approved. I am currently waiting to be matched. If I can help anyone, in anyway, just ask away. Xx

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flowersinspring · 20/04/2018 22:53

maryb84 I am doing this single - just starting out as well and have just had a couple of conversations with VAs. I have a BC already and am excited/daunted about bringing another child into our family.

My questions would be- my BC has never met her dad and I have minimal and sporadic contact from him. It was very messy and hurtful and I desperately wouldn't want him contacted. We never lived together. What do you think the SW view would be of this?

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DLouise2004 · 18/04/2018 23:11

So registration forms accepted and DBS checks happen next week with training the few weeks after - eek! X

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DLouise2004 · 13/04/2018 22:56

Thanks @GiddyGardner it's so great to get advice and understand where the authorities etc are coming from.

I guess with the ex - I know he will give a good reference - even though things didn't end well I don't tho k he would be vindictive but I just dislike that he will know our situation and potentially sooner than a lot of our friends will as we haven't told many people. I know it sounds stupid and such a small thing but it does play on my mind x

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GiddyGardner · 13/04/2018 22:24

Also please remember what you are offering, sometimes it's easy to forget with our need to have a family. If you are with a VA - they get £26k per child placed. And I believe each child in care costs the taxpayer £150k per year. I know you want a family, as do I, but remember how much you are offering, we don't have many rights as prospective adopters and we are often viewed as 'guilty until proven innocent' but remember what you are worth to the authorities.

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GiddyGardner · 13/04/2018 22:11

I can send you a reference form from my VA if you want. It will probably not be the same for every VA/LA, but often questions are just about you, a bit about your situation, how you cope with stress, how you have prepared, if you pose a threat etc.. PM me with an email address and I will send you it, it might put your mind at rest. Seriously, I am not perfect by any means and I don't think they expect you to be. I can be trouble, but that might work well for children that need to be advocated for! It feels for you right now that they are looking for perfect parents, they aren't, they are just looking for people that are strivers, that can analyse where you may have gone wrong in the past, where your parents may have gone wrong in their parenting, admit it and where you can do better next time, which with that you can help your children progress further due to your experiences. It's tough, especially, if you have gone through fertility issues. It feels like everyone is judging you, they aren't they are just ticking boxes (I have a reputation for being defensive I think with my VA). All the very best.

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GiddyGardner · 13/04/2018 21:48

I'm not sure really, because I told my ex what it was for over Facebook. I guess they would contact them and then if they seem perplexed they would tell them the reason. I guess they would have to tell them the reason. It's really hard. My first thought was 'why should my ex have a say in whether I can be a parent or not ( he treated me badly)' and I was really annoyed at first at this thought - but it's not about that, they are really just trying to get a picture of you as a person. Can you contact your ex, explain the situation and how important it is? Unless there was some really bad blood, they would have to be an absolute 'cee you next Tuesday' to make waves. xx

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DLouise2004 · 13/04/2018 21:37

Thanks @GiddyGardner - when they contact them do they tell them it is about an adoption? Or do they just gloss over why they are asking? X

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GiddyGardner · 13/04/2018 21:10

I face booked my ex to get his details, no kids, lived together for a short time. I told the social worker about it and said that they may not get the same story from my ex (he cheated, so he may gloss over the facts), and it appears he may have done right by me. I think they are just looking for violence and other red flags such as alcoholism, drugs etc. and even then they would want evidence, such as police reports, as they know exes can be vindictive. I think you just need to look at it as they need to tick boxes. There have been occasions were adoptions have gone very, very wrong, they need to prove that they have done everything they can to mitigate this. Just be honest, remember if you don't reveal what you should, your references (although unlikely) might do, unknowingly. But, it is not your responsibility to find your exes contact details.

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DLouise2004 · 13/04/2018 18:48

Thanks @donquixotedelamancha - we were honest on the form but in all
Honesty I don't have contact with him so will see what they say around getting his details etc x

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donquixotedelamancha · 13/04/2018 18:19

Hi Louise, congrats on starting the process.

I would really rather prefer they didn't get in contact with my ex. I am tempted to not add and if then feign stupidity if they ask. Is that bad?

It's a terrible idea. If they get the impression you are unable to be honest about things, you won't be approved. Honestly the process is not that intrusive and once you become a parent you start to see why some of the odder questions are asked. It is really necessary, if perhaps a little too bureaucratic.

Does anyone know how social worker would approach them and what they would ask?

They will speak to anyone you lived with for a significant length of time. I think the questions for a boyfriend of 8 years ago will be fairly cursory- it's basically making sure you don't have any big red flags.

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DLouise2004 · 13/04/2018 10:26

Registration papers in the post now it's a waiting game to check they happy for us to start stage 1

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DLouise2004 · 12/04/2018 19:22

So have had all of the forms through - exciting but scary! On the questions it doesn't actually say you have to specify whether you have lived with anyone previously but in the notes it states to mention if have. I would really rather prefer they didn't get in contact with my ex. I am tempted to not add and if then feign stupidity if they ask. Is that bad? Does anyone know how social worker would approach them and what they would ask? I.e would it be about adoption? X

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DLouise2004 · 06/04/2018 18:10

That's nice @GiddyGardner - I need to think like that x

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GiddyGardner · 06/04/2018 18:04

Someone said to me something that has helped me, they said that you will get through the process at the right time for your child/children.

I have wondered at times if we will actually finish the process, I daren't think too far ahead...just in case.

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topcat2014 · 06/04/2018 17:05

We are waiting for confirmation of getting to stage 2. Looks like a letter is coming next week. Trying to put it to the backs of our minds...

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DLouise2004 · 06/04/2018 13:05

I can feel I am going to have to harness my patience! Been waiting a week to even get the registration form - I am going to have to learn to be patient! X

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HannahMeadows · 29/03/2018 10:12

Just to add from the perspective of being five years in to adoption with our daughters – remember what a valuable resource you are as prospective adopters and don't be too worried about impressing social workers. They should be the ones telling you exactly how they plan to support you and your family in caring for a vulnerable child who is likely to have some additional needs. I know that's easier said than done when you feel so under scrutiny, but don't worry about standing your ground - it's good preparation for advocating for your child!

This might also be helpful - Advice for prospective adopters

Hannah