Considering adoption at the end of fertility treatment - will I really have to wait a year?

[dreamingofchocolate]

Just wondering on others experiences - just come to the end of 12 months of fruitless clomid treatment and am on the wait list for injections to assist ovulation, but adoption has seriously crossed our minds (am considering taking my name of the list for injections, we are feeling the strain on our relationship now). Looking on adoption sites, they won't consider you until 6/12 months after infertility treatment has finished, and I may have to have counselling??? Hoping for some postiive views and opinions please! (ps, changed my name, am a longstandng regular)

[fortyplus]

I know of someone who adopted three siblings aged 18 months - 6 years. The mother was healthy but the father was a violent drug addict. She was given a stark choice - give up the man or the kids. She gave up the kids. I can't begin to imagine that.
But at least a lovely couple who had tried for a family for years got a beautiful, ready made one. It's been hard for them, though - the eldest one had a lot of emotional problems - hardly surprising under the circumstances.

[suejonez]

hifi - must as a matter of interest, did you use te Coram concurrent plannig and do foster to adopt? I'm asked about domestic adoption by a lot of people and I know this programme has been very effectvie for some people. I'd love to talk to someone who's done it.

Also I don't think KristinaM was implying that you don't love an adopted child just that it is different at first. It took me some months to bond fully with DS and he was small and cute! Now (like you), I wouldn't be without him for the world.

[imnot27]

Just to pass on a really positive adoption expereince, my friend adopted two little girls (seperately), when each was 9 months old. They are such a lovely family, my friend recommends adopting so highly, she says 'second choice but not second best!' In fact, she would not want children biologically now at all. She has met lots of other familys who've adopted and it seems the majority are really happy!

[suejonez]

I describe my adoption as being chronologically second not second best. Anyone who has met my DS would never describe him as second best - he is the bees knees

[oldnewmummy]

Our first choice was always to adopt. My gynae looked a bit confused though when I said "if we can't adopt we'll have to try to get pregnant".

[KristinaM]

hifi - sorry I just saw this... I didnt say

"an adopted child is not like your own"

I was talking about the process of adoption cf infertility treatment/giving birth. What I said was "Its [adoption] not the same as having your biological child. I'm not saying its worse, its just not the same. "

i wasnt talking about bonding with a child or how much you love them., just about process .

I didnt say that adoptees are inferior or that adoptive parenst dont love their children as much. I am surprised that you read thsi into my post.

i was simply trying to answer the OP who was thinking of giving up on infertility treatment, as she was feeling the strain on her marriage. Most people who have been through adoption and/or assisted conception treatnmnt woudl agree that they are long and and very very stressful.

I woudl hate someone to give up on assisted conception treatment "too soon" ( I knwo its an individual decision) because it was stressful and then find out the adoption process is ever worse

[suejonez]

I did say "minimum" 2 years Krsitina . Intercountry is no faster (despite what people seem to believe) unless you live in America when it is more like 6months-1yr.

[beemail]

In reply to OP I think it is common for agencies to ask for a specified time o have passed between fertility treatment and starting the adoption process. The reason is because adoption is a very different way of building a family and they want to know that you are not still hankering after the child you might have had naturally and therefore viewing adoption as OK ..........a second best option. They are also aware that it is a stressful option and you may need some time to recover from the stress that you have experienced with infertility treatment.
Our gap was not so big but we did have to produce a letter from our consultant to say that fertility treatment had ceased. It is also not uncommon to be asked to use contraception whilst going through adoption process, very controversial I know amd how this can ever be proved is anyone's guess!
Worth saying that although agree with SJ about the costs for homestudy up to around £6000 not all countries use agencies which charge so much. Our adoption was purely the cost of the homestudy with no charge agency/overseas apart from passport etc A small charge has now been introduced but still not high.
Fascinating to read about Singapore adoptions (just come back from there but also thought it impossible unless you were resident!) great news that it happened so quickly for you oldnewmummy - Congratulations. Are there many agencies in Singapore? I have afriend who may be interested.

[suejonez]

sorry you're wuite right beemail the costs for the biggest ICA countries are around what I quoted with no agency fee for China but I know some countries are cheaper. I'm no expert (only on Kaz!)

[beemail]

Yes from memory I think some of the US agencies taking on UK adopters and dealing with Guatamala and Russia charge the most and can be as high as £20,000 which for many of course comes after expensive fertility treatment and homestudy costs. Forget to mention one should also factor in the cost of travel to country (may be more than one visit) and hotels etc Bet that was a big chunk for you Sue as like me you were out there for some time.

[suejonez]

yes the incountry costs were high for me though travel to/from wasn't too bad.

[oldnewmummy]

Beesmail:

There are a few agencies, but most of them are businesses rather than non-profit making doing-good entities. One website promised a refund or exchange if you were unhappy with the child - needless to say we avoided that one like the plague!

If your friend is based in Singapore a good place to start is Touch Adoption Services, which is a quasi government and genuine organisation.

If she's outside Singapore, then maybe contact fortyplus from the other thread, whose frind was based in Ireland but adopted from Singapore.

[beemail]

Thanks for the info - will contact my friend and see how far she's got but that's really helpful

[dreamingofchocolate]

Just coming back to this thread, thanks for other replies esp. Beemail - all informative and helpful.
We have decided to use the time on the waiting list for injections to try and 'destress', it's been a difficult 12 months on clomid and a lap&dye in Jan. I would never think of an adopted child as 'second best', but otoh cannot yet affirm in my mind that I won't have another child of my own, so I think I need to go for the injections. I won't be going for IVF if that fails. thanks again.

[KristinaM]

Dreaming - good luck with the injections

do you think you and your dh woudl find it helpful to go for counselling a part of your " de stressing "? Its such a diffuclt thing to go through...

please don't feel you have to decide now about teh IVF - its a long way off and you dont know how you will feel then. best not to close the door in your mind until you have to. I knwo its such a cliche but you need to take each step one at a time

FWIW I dont think of adoption as second best either( despite being accused of having said that). In fact I am an adoptee myself! I just think you have to be sure that you have come to the end of each step of YOUR journey befroe you go on to the next.

When most people think of starting a family, they imagine giving birth to a baby, not getting a 1 or 2yo with his/her own family background and circumstances and life experinces. There is no shame in having to grieve for that lost dream, if its not going to happen for you.

Its very easy for adoptive parenst to just sweep everything under teh emotional carpet as if it doenst matter. "well everythings ok now because we have our longed for child". These things do matter and they will matter in teh future - to the child if not to the parenst.Denial of diffenerce is not helpful - adoption is a diffent way of building a family. Its not right for everyone.


If you do go on to adopt there will be many difficult times ahead ( as there are on every journey to parenthood of course). You need to be as sure as you can be that you have doen and are doing teh right thing for you as an individual and as a family

I wish you all teh very best

[Gracie123]

I know this is a really old thread, but...

Was wandering about the fertility thing too. We are keen to adopt from Russia, even though we already have a natural child. We have also been trying for a baby, but don't want to do IVF. We don't see adoption from overseas as a last resort to get a baby, we see it as redeeming our child from a culture that wouldn't care for it. As a result, I am only in my 20s and haven't been trying for a baby for years as I know some have.

We are considering taking clomid, to see if we can have another child before adopting, but would this jeopardise our adoption application in the uk, or is it only IVF that you have to wait after?

[KristinaM]

Gracie - each adoption agency has their own rules, so you would need to check with your local authority

if you are only in your 20s with one bio child and no fertility issues i suspect you would find it very hard to find an agency to assess you to adopt. Its a very long, hard and often expensive process and most people who wish to adopt for altruistic reasosn drop out during it.

[cory]

But not all. I wouldn't necessarily call it adopting for altruistic reasons anyway: you still want a child for yourself, just as much as if you were trying to conceive one. I am part of a half-biological, half-adopted family(2 biological siblings, one adopted inter-country). It was certainly not the case that my parents wanted me for selfish reasons and then adopted my brother for altruistic reasons: they were just as selfish about wanting him .

This sort of mixed biological and adopted family seems to be far more common in northern Europe, where inter-country adoptions are also still more common. But I believe it is more difficult in the UK.

[Gracie123]

I'm well aware that it is very hard. I have been quoted between £20,000 and £40,000 and between 4-8 years, which is why we are quite keen to get the ball rolling IYSWIM.

Obviously we are having some fertility issues, or I wouldn't be considering clomid, what I am trying to say is that preferable to enduring long tests and treatments such as IVF (I've heard to be almost as traumatic and trying as intercountry adoption at times!) we would be keen to just take the next step in adopting. In that sense our fertility issues might well be solvable, but we'd prefer to adopt than start down that road.

Checking with LA is proving difficult as we live on the border of three counties and they all keep referring us to each other and refusing to help

[KristinaM]

in that case I would write to the local authority where you live ie where you pay your council tax. say that you wish to be assessed as potential adopters. they will probably send you written information and invite you to an information meeting some time in the next few months

good luck

[oinker]

MY ADVICE......... I have just finished with my preparation course and home visits. Social worker has started her report. We are at the begining of the end part if you see what i mean.
You need to phone as many local authorities as you can. Be prepared to do phone interviews. They will then invite you to their next information evening. It is a long drawn out process. We started in January this year and have ony got this far. It is very, very slow.... GOOD LUCK

[Gracie123]

Oinker, that gives me hope. I have a friend who didn't even manage to get the LA to start her home visits for 4 years, despite having paid £6000!! They told her they didn't agree with overseas adoption, and as such her case would be treated as low priority e.g. we'll do it when we feel like it. In the end she had to write to her local MP to get the ball moving.

[floridaeden]

We all know that to adopt here in US is very hard, im not saying all but almost agencies just wanted us to spend thousand of dollars.
My sister is working at agencies and she told me everything, you spend more and all then in the end still nothing happen.

Birthmother from other country reach me, we start to know each other and trust, I pray to God to give me sign if this is true and then it all goes well. Private Adoption from other country is way too easy and not so stressing, you just need to feel who is right and real.
Now my baby calen will turn 1 year old this coming Deecmber