Finding Me a Family 9.00 pm 5 Dec Channel 4

[Italiangreyhound]

9.00pm - 10.00pm channel 4 tonight
Finding Me a Family

I will be watching with interest!

Anyone like to join me?

There are over 2000 kids in England in care, awaiting adoption. This film follows adoption activity days run by the children's charity Coram - parties that can radically change lives. Ep1 [Also in HD]

[Barbadosgirl]

Italian- perhaps but two things spring to mind: Firstly, there are so few dual heritage and black adopters out there that we don't struggle to get matched so don't tend to need to put ourselves through what I imagine must be quite a difficult experience of attending an activity day (five months from application to placement for us this time and we have had a very young baby placed). Secondly, having gone through the process you will be aware that there is a lot to take on board with transracial adoptions and, although an activity day might make a couple like Chris and Sharon on the programme consider, say, a six year old boy whereas they were previously looking for a four year old girl (persuade them, for the want of a better word) I am not sure an activity day would be the forum for showing people they might consider adopting outside their ethnicities. I can imagine the PR problems with a sort of "come on, white people, black kids are fun too" approach (not that I am saying you were suggesting some sort of post-colonial paternalistic nightmare like that!) That said, no one is coming up with anything better and the speed with which we were matched in two different legal landscapes does suggest the situation is not improving for black and mixed ethnicity children.

[Italiangreyhound]

Barbadosgirl very good points and yes I was absolutely not suggesting anything with negative undertones.

I recognise as a white family (with a white child already) we were not in the best position to parent the mixed heritage child. We were willing to undergo whatever training /awareness and because there was a 'religious' element I DoD make an effort to work out ways we could be more aware/accommodating.

This child was in demand so we were really not needed. Which was slightly painful but I totally recognise the child's needs are primary.

So I wonder what would help to make the situation better for black and ethnic minority children in the care system?

I wonder if a positive recruitment drive would help. I expect it has been tried before.

What do you think might work to improve things for kids like Kye and Mickey?

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We were told we would not be able to adopt a child that was mixed race or black as we are a white couple with a white son in a predominantly white british area of the UK. Whilst I understand the thinking and am aware that I do not have the skills to promote an ethnicity I know nothing about, it made me feel sad for this kids. I hope the program leads to a home for them.

[Italiangreyhound]

Barbadosgirl do you think with proper training (enabling parents to spot and deal with racism etc) white adopters could be successfully enabled to adopt children from black and different racial groups - for the benefit of those children?

I don't think any white adopters need convincing black children are fun, I know you were joking! But I think different adopters with different children will need different skills.

I would have said this was especially relevant for cases like Kye and Mickey where, if adopted together into a white family, neither would be the only non-white person in the family. They would always have each other.

If we cannot find black and other racial group adopters or prepare white adopters to adopt non-white children successfully then (as a society) we are condemning children like Kye and Mickey to be split up or perhaps even to stay in care, perhaps even to be cared for by white foster carers.

[Barbadosgirl]

Yes, perhaps. As a white mum of dual heritage boys and with a black husband I have had to learn to think about things in an entirely different way. I was raised in a "all people are the same and we should be colourblind" way. Which is great. If everyone else was like that. But they are not. So it is more about understanding that the world is different if you are black or mixed and the world sees you differently and that there really is, unpalatable at is seems to normal non racist people, real privilege in being white. That's the biggest bit. Transracial adoptions can work but the circumstances have to be right and the children have to be raised knowing they are black, with positive black role models and in touch with their identities IMO.

[Ketzele]

Strangely, we DID struggle a bit to get matched - and dp and I are an interracial couple. Our social worker was as surprised as we were, but apparently there were quite a few interracial couples around at the time, and we are a same sex couple, and lost a few matches because of that. In the end we found dd through the National Adoption Register - at that time just used for 'hard to match' children and adopters. I have to say, I think it would be better for dd if I was black - this despite dp being black, and us living in London, and having lots of dual heritage cousins on both sides of the family. It is an important factor, but it doesn't necessarily trump everything else IMO. I hope those lovely boys find a family soon.

[bostonkremekrazy]

I am not black and have no real understanding of deeper issues, but many single white mums raise their dual heritage children after splitting from their black partners - I know several who are doing this,

and I know several white adopters who adopted from china previously without other people batting an eyelid that they were not adopting 'white children'....

I'm not really sure what the difference is? Is there one?

our friends who are black/white couple, had BC then adopted a child, said the SW made a real fuss about how would the white mum know how to brush the little girls hair properly.....it seemed a tad petty, but they were placed with a lovely toddler - who is now in Uni :)
Have things moved on any from then? .....

[Frozengeranium]

I didn’t want to comment on this thread as it’s a very sensitive topic for us at the moment but thought following bostonkremecrazys recent question “have things moved on?” I’d briefly answer, as in our experience, no, things haven’t moved on. I have fielded hair care questions, diet questions and music questions, all based on race and skin colour just this year. It’s every day racism in action within our agency. They seem to believe in making matches whereby everyone looks alike.

In the program the other night one of the sws mentioned looking for a family that can promote Kye and Mikey’s ethnic origin rather than match it. In my view this attitude is far preferable than looking for exact matches as regards ethnicity and leaving kids languishing in the care system waiting and waiting.

[EastDulwichWife]

Our good friends are adopting and showed interest in adopting a sibling group from a minority ethnic background, but were told they weren't suitable to adopt BAME children. If there aren't enough BAME adoptive parents coming forward, don't the local authorities need to open their minds to this more? Particularly considering the emphasis seems to be on finding parent/s who would support and embrace the child's cultural background or heritage? Seems like an outdated position from LAs to me.

[bostonkremekrazy]

I am sorry to hear that Frozengeranium....and yes i think promoting rather than matching must be better than allowing children to wait and wait as LAC

I hope you find your little ones soon whatever they look like!

[Barbadosgirl]

Yep, sws usually focus on the hair! I mean, really not the major issue and one of the easiest to learn! My husband is bald so hair styling not really his thing anyway. Listen to narratives by adoptees like Lorraine Pascale. I listened to a friend of mine who was raised by white parents and was totally alienated from her culture (to the extent she was unaware of her actual ethnicity until someone pointed it out at secondary school). It caused real issues for her. I listen to my black husband who tells me what it is like to live in fear of the police, of his friends with teenage kids living in fear of their sons being shot or stabbed while out. I think about how there are certain places my mixed family would avoid going on holiday. I personally don't know any white people living with these fears. So my point is; it is different growing up mixed or black. I don't think this provides an insurmountable hurdle to transracial adopters but it needs to be understood, thought about and addressed pre-placement, I think.

[Barbadosgirl]

Couldn't agree more- Boston and Frozen. It needs to be about actively promoting identities where you are adopting children of a different heritage. It should not be this superficial box ticking exercise some sws seem to love!

[Frozengeranium]

One of my friends is white Irish American, she has adopted two African American boys and two Chinese girls.

In the part of the US she lives in (near New Orleans) the process for domestic adoption involves being chosen by the birth parents as adoptive parents. Therefore she was picked by her two boys birth families, along with her husband, to parent these kids.

In the Chinese orphanage that both her daughters came from she went on a waiting list and the next available children were placed. No matching process at all.

There are so many ways of matching in the world and I have no idea of the rights and wrongs of any of them. I have my opinions, but I’m self aware enough to know that I’m probably not right.

My opinion, based on personal experience, is that here in the UK, our system is too much about box ticking and beurocracy and not enough about meeting the needs of individual children, based on their needs, right now. Not based on meeting government set targets and societal standards.

[Ketzele]

bostonkremekrazy, I think there is a difference, most obviously in the heightened importance of identity for many adopted children, and the strong need to feel they truly belong. My dd has all sorts of issues with racial identity, including an intense desire to look like me and her sister - and we didn't even count as a transracial adoption.

That doesn't mean I'm against all transracial adoption - I'm really not - but it is a significant factor and needs to be considered carefully. Yes, there are lots of mixed race children being raised by white single mothers, who may or may not do a good job of helping them handle racism (I have good and bad examples in my own family).

Obviously a transracial match with loving, thoughtful, sensitive and attuned parents is better than being matched with crap parents of the same racial background. The answer is surely to have highly trained and thoughtful social workers who are not working under intense pressure to tickboxes - as Frozengeranium says.

[Italiangreyhound]

Lots of very wise voices on here.

I agree the right match us promotion and celebration if children's heritage. Not just matching it.

Some kids might never find a match!

I think lots of white adopters would be up for 'transracial adoption' (if that is the right phrase here) but still the social workers need to find the right match, a real willingness to learn.

I do hope those little boys yet their family.

[bostonkremekrazy]

@Ketzele I think when we are talking about children staying in fc, because there are few BEM adopters available, then surely a white family who can promote - not be matched - the child's heritage has to be better than growing up 'in care'....with ironically - often/usually a white FC. (location dependent of course on the fc front - here they are majority white british)

what happens in trans racial adoptions when they break down? does the black child have to stay with the black parent, and the white child stay with the white parent? Or is it the default kids stay with mum regardless.....Divorce stats are so high for adopters, but SW are so concerned in the here and now....do they ever ask about promoting racial heritage should the worst happen and a marriage collapse?.....

Its very interesting to read from people actually in the know.....I'm so busy in my own bubble its nice to hear about this issue - it doesn't affect our family, but so many children out there sadly....
(and then people say....oh more adopters now than children waiting blah blah...)

and yes, I hope people have come forward for mickey and kye....and the other little ones featured, my first two were about to be split when we found them at an adoption day....so glad we did!

[mamoosh]

We are white adopters with a black child adopted internationally. We will look at domestic adoption for a sibling. I had my eye on the two little chaps on the programme! They were cute but I felt sorry for them. I found Coram’s attitude on transracial adoption refreshing. I know of a few domestic transracial adoptions in London (not necessarily white parents either).

We had all the training here on the transracial issues. Once our son came home, it hit home what a huge deal it is. The adoption is always visible. There will be a deeper understanding of his ethnicity which will probably always be beyond my grasp. I need help to explain about racism and we still need more positive role models of his own ethnicity in his life.

Having said that, the “Is he yours?” brigade are a lot less present than I expected. We lived twice in his birth country and are very much in love with his culture. We have friends of his and other non white ethnicities. We live in a very diverse area of London. I made sure his nursery is diverse. You realise the (mostly white) yummy mummy toddler groups are not for you. We have had smiles and words of encouragement from people of his ethnicity. A lot of things are easier than I expected. Yet I still wonder every day if it will be enough and how he will feel when he is older. The point made above about rethinking where you are comfortable for holidays is also relevant.

I often think if we could flip the script and normalise transracial adoption in the same way that gay parenting is normal now, then more children could find families. I don’t think every family is equipped to be transracial adopters but I wish we could be more open to it. That’s the idealist in me!

[Ketzele]

bostonkremekrazy, yes, of course I agree with your first para. I am saying I think it's important, but not the only thing of importance. And you are right to question what happens when relationships break down. I think it is currently considered in a very tickbox way. In our case, because my dp is black and because our home contained, "culturally appropriate artefacts" that was all A-OK. I tried telling the SW about my own racially mixed extended family (my mum has several mixed race siblings) and what that had taught me, and she wasn't remotely interested! It's like having a black dp just gives you a pass, but of course it's no guarantee that you, the white parent, know how to parent an adopted child with sensitivity about racial identity issues.

mamoosh yes, transracial adoption outs you - so does gay parenting. My dd has never had the luxury of pretending to be from a 'normal' family, and she and her sister have found it very stressful to have to constantly handle other people's intrusive curiosity - mostly other kids, but not infrequently perfect strangers.

[Italiangreyhound]

ketzele, it is sad they were not interested in you and your situation, only your black partner.

[Ketzele]

Thanks Italian - the whole experience of adoption is about being taken down a peg or several, isn't it?

[Italiangreyhound]

Ketzele I think that is called parenting isn't it!

[Ketzele]

Yes, but to the power of ten!

[Italiangreyhound]

It's on again, new location. I am watching now on an hour later on Channel 4.

www.channel4.com/programmes/finding-me-a-family

[ElephantsandTigers]

I've just watched both episodes back to back and I was very emotional. I was supposed to be adopted but my "mother" refused to sign the papers so I had numerous moves instead and had an abusive time. I really hope it wouldn't be allowed to happen now but I see evidence of mistakes made 40 years ago still being made .

[Italiangreyhound]

ElephantsandTigers I'm so sorry to hear this.