Advice from adoptive parents

[CormoranStrike]

Can I ask opinions please?

A family member had a son 18 years ago, who was adopted. His new family occasionally sent photos back which I saw, to explain the recognition part.

A few months later I had my own DD.

Both babies were born with the same health condition, which has family support groups etc, which we visited on and off over the years.

When the kids were about four we went to a Christmas party for the support group and I recognised this family. Not knowing the correct etiquette I did not approach or chat to this family.

So, today my now 18 year old DD was back at hospital and I got to wondering what I would do if by coincidence this family were there.

Waiting room chat between parents almost always turns to the incidence of this health condition and whether any family members share it.

Would it be fair for me to mention a relative whose son was adopted - his health was not the reason for adoption - and leave it up to the family if they were there to say "hey, that's me"?

Or would that be totally inappropriate and, given I wouldn't recognise them now, should I never mention an adopted relative in this smallish circle, as his new family won't want to inadvertantly meet a birth relative.

Thoughts please!

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

If it were me, I wouldn't. If they are good adoptive parents they will have shared their child's life story with them and will have provided/offered support and encouragement now their child is 18 for him to contact SS to make contact with birth family. However, it is ultimately his decision and if he has decided he doesn't want to open that chapter just yet (for exams/uni?!?!) or even ever and you approach them, they may then feel that they can't attend support groups etc. or will fear attending hospital due to their sons's wishes, which would be awful.

I hope he does contact SS because how lovely it would be to discover a birth cousin who understands his condition better than any other and a lovely story you can tell that you saw him happy, but putting him first (awesome by the way) you didn't say anything.

That's only what I would hope for as an adoptive parent. Others may have different advice.

[Devora]

I wouldn't either. Even if you just hinted, it might make them feel really uncomfortable.

I do appreciate why you want to, though. It must feel hard not to be able to just reach a hand out, when the children have so much in common (and the parents too). It's very considerate of you to think this through so carefully.

[CormoranStrike]

Thank you.

What I had never even thought before this thread was that by mentioning it - intentionally or unintentionally - I conversation could start and the adoptive family and young man might have lots of questions.

Questions which, to respect my relative's right to privacy, I would not be willing to answer.

It's a minefield! As it was I never met anyone at the hospital and now the kids are young adults they are most likely to go to appointments on their own, so it will become less and less likely.

I wonder if the adoptive parents were ever told his health condition was not an isolated case, not that it matters.

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

Also a good point. They could be very upset by it! It's so hard because it's their privacy (BP's, adopted son and to an extent AP's) but you're still related, so......well, minefield as you say!

I would presume that unless adoptive parents specifically asked, or birth parents gave the info, as your daughter was born afterwards then probably not.

I would like to echo the other post though in that it's so good of you to think so hard about it and be so considerate of all of them I am fully supportive of our children contacting their birth families when older but I hope their birth families let them do it at a time when they are ready and be just as considerate as you have.