Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

1 2 3

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

To feel guilt 13 years on (sad)

61 replies

Thankyoumrspatterson · 26/02/2015 22:08

I gave my ds1 up for adoption so many years ago and I feel such guilt still, I was assaulted at 14 and gave birth alone in my room and was so scared and knew I couldn't be a good mother to him.

I look at my two dc now and think "how can I just of given him away". He's not tried to contact me but he's only young still. I've never had any contact, he knows he was adopted it was mandatory at 11 for him to be told.

I was thinking of writing to the adoption agency with my address details and contact information just in case he wants to contact me. Not that I would ever try and force myself on him, he has a mother and father and I'm so grateful they adopted him but aibu to just write, just in case?

OP posts:

Report

WheresMrMonkey · 03/03/2015 22:59

Report

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/03/2015 00:45

Hi OP. Firstly you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were a young girl who suffered the most horrific experience. You were 14. Just a baby yourself. Your poor poor mind must have been in a turmoil.Anyway you don't need me to tell you that.
You chose to have your son adopted because you felt like you couldn't have gave him the life you wanted to. That doesn't make you a bad person not in my book.

Report

ScrambledEggAndToast · 04/03/2015 06:46

Don't feel bad, you did what was right at the time for you. I agree with what other people have said, that you should keep the adoption agency aware of where you are living. One day you may receive a letter or a phone call or of not at least your boy will know you were thinking of him. My dad had a daughter 14 years before me that I only found out about recently and she found it really hard to track down her records for these reasons.

Report

ScarlettDarling · 04/03/2015 09:37

You poor, poor thing. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about...you were a child, you were assaulted, you gave birth in terrible, traumatic circumstances and you did what was undoubtedly the best thing for your baby. Your son will have been brought up by people who loved him and wanted him desperately. I have such sympathy for you, and I'm so glad you have two other children to hold close. Nothing will take away the sadness that you haven't been able to be with your first son, but you should have no guilt.

Report

rubycon · 04/03/2015 10:40

it's 45 years tomorrow for me. I do know he had a good life and you do learn to live with it. It will always hurt - you don't get over losing a baby for whatever reason, you did what you had to do. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Report

Dowser · 04/03/2015 10:51

Such a sad story. I say yes to leaving your details as well as a little note to say that you hope he is having a lovely life and you will be there if he ever wants to get in touch but understands if he'd rather not. I think I'd tell him that I think about him every day and send him love.

I hope you get to meet in the future.

Report

Anaffaquine · 04/03/2015 19:00

You were so young and traumatised. It is no wonder something's are sketchy in your mind. Don't seem enough. I really want to give you and your 14 year old self a hug. don't care if that isn't the MN thing to do.

Report

Thankyoumrspatterson · 05/03/2015 06:46

Thank you everyone, I'm going to ask for this post to be moved to adoption. Xx

OP posts:

Report

Slippersmum · 05/03/2015 13:54

I was adopted and understand the pain that it brings. You are bound to feel guilt given that we see aHow Mother's roles as to care and protect their children no matter what. But you must remember you were a child yourself, a different person to who you are now. There is a national adoption register and a few other registers that you can put your contact details on. Have a look and see if they have those in the country of his adoption. By all means write to social services but do not rely on them, they lost my file and all my details. So its important you also do as much as you can for yourself to increase your chances as much as possible. I am not sure which country you had your baby as laws and procedures are different in different countries. I traced my birth mother through a contact register and it has been a difficult journey as reunions often are. How old will he be now, sorry if I missed that in previous posts. Its important he knows you have moved to the UK I would say then if he wants to find you he will know where to look. Good luck. I hope that somehow you find peace.

Report

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2015 14:15

Thankyoumrspatterson I am so sorry this happened to you.

Please do write but maybe contact an organisation to help you first for guidance on how to write this very important letter.

try

www.afteradoption.org.uk/are-you-adopted-adult-or-birth-relative/birth-parents-adopted-child

So you know I am mum to a little boy who joined us by adoption and a birth dd.

To me you sound very brave and I am so sorry you have suffered in this way. You gave your little boy life and his adoptive parents will (I feel sure) feel grateful to you for that. That is how I feel for the birth mum of my son.

What you did is 100% understandable and it is totally understandable you feel guilty BUT you are not guilty of anything. You were a child who suffered a horrible abuse and you did what you felt was best (and what may very well have been best for your son).

Please do consider some further counselling now you are older and have your children.

Please, please forgive yourself because you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

Please get help, you do not need to live with this impacting you in this way, because you did the best for him. You were a child and needed protecting, you can move on from here, I really hope, and feel better.

Report

Inamin · 09/03/2015 00:00

Mrspatterson,

Keep painting, talking and writing. It will help and work at finding compassion for yourself because you really deserve it. I relinquished a child, one I would love to have the chance again to keep. We did our best at the time and i was older so making choices that you, at your age and in your circumstances, couldn't have had control of.

I don't feel guilty, I feel grief but compassion for that younger me - she is a stranger these days but I know she was let down by those around her at the immediate time and later too. They were doing their best too but didn't gave the capacity to deal with it all.

Actually going back to your paperwork and finding it doesn't match with memories is quite common I think, I had it too certainly. You can't retain detail under so much stress and trauma, it's another reminder that you should not feel any guilt just sadness. I have found that I needed to get the control I didn't have then, I have letters on file, my children know what happened, I have researched contact and am as prepared as I could be.

I am older than you as is my birth child but like you I kept my other chikdren pretty close too, you have to let them have wings as they get older but I have appreciated every moment of them. It is such a contradiction isn't it having so much love and closeness for your later children when you didn't have that chance with your first. Circumstances stole the opportunity from us but not from them, their live has been lived in a family and we may yet be a part of that. It's amazing that you have moved so far from your poor abused and damaged teenage self, you have successfully built a family and become the mother with enough love to include your birth child too. You have succeeded and I hope you can move towards pride in this, those who love you will be proud of you if they understand what you went through even a tiny bit. I understand a bit and I am proud of you.