To feel guilt 13 years on (sad)

[Thankyoumrspatterson]

I gave my ds1 up for adoption so many years ago and I feel such guilt still, I was assaulted at 14 and gave birth alone in my room and was so scared and knew I couldn't be a good mother to him.

I look at my two dc now and think "how can I just of given him away". He's not tried to contact me but he's only young still. I've never had any contact, he knows he was adopted it was mandatory at 11 for him to be told.

I was thinking of writing to the adoption agency with my address details and contact information just in case he wants to contact me. Not that I would ever try and force myself on him, he has a mother and father and I'm so grateful they adopted him but aibu to just write, just in case?

[Thankyoumrspatterson]

I did counselling but to be honest I don't like talking about it, even trained professionals. I find My art is my therapy, it's always helped me when I've got very sad (like March as its his bday in March).

[maddening]

Do write a letter to him to lodge with the adoption agency - include photos, things about you, your parents, your life, who you are - and tell him your door is always open to him and explain what happened to lead to the adoption.

[maddening]

And paInt him a picture :)

[Thankyoumrspatterson]

I will do that maddening, just finding a translator to help me as it was abroad

[Coyoacan]

I think giving a child up for adoption is a very courageous and generous act. And they used to recommend not looking at the baby if you were giving it up for adoption.

[Jenny70]

I think if he decided to track you down when he was an adult and he found out your age at the time you had him (and the circumstances) plus the fact that you obviously never forgot about him would give him great comfort... regadless of the childhood he has, he is bound to wonder at some point why you couldn't raise him - but the circumstances you describe would be easily understood by him, and the love you still feel for him is obvious.

There is no need to burden your life with this guilt, your life and his life would have been difficult/impossible if you had kept him - and your younger children would probably not have been born as your life would have been so different. Easier said than done though.

[FindoGask]

My mum had a baby daughter at 17, who was adopted. She traced my mum in 2008 and they have a good relationship now. My mum never talked to us about our half sister but I know it was a huge unresolved painful thing for her, and I'm so glad that they are in touch now. It is a complicated situation because my half sister doesn't want to tell her adoptive parents; they are quite a bit older than my mum and she feels it would cause them too much distress. But things are good between my mum and her, they email regularly and meet up two or three times a year. She's coming to my mum's 60th birthday weekend, which I know will mean so much to her.

I'm telling you this so you know things can work out. I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through but it sounds like you did absolutely the right thing for both of you.

[Thumbwitch]

I'm so sorry for you and the situation you are in, but I think it will be a good thing for you to write to the adoption agency, yes. Your son may never come looking for you, but equally he might - and it will be so much easier if the agency have your details on record for him to then contact you and maybe even meet you.

They won't pass your details on without him looking or your say-so, so there's no harm in sending them in; you can always say you'd like to meet him if he ever comes looking, or not if you'd prefer it that way.

((((hugs))))

[Pusspuss1]

Definitely write to the adoption agency; it's obviously on your mind. If he ever searches, it will be a very positive start for him to learn that you've been hoping to hear from him. I like Maddening's idea about the letter, too. I do hope you hear from him sooner or later! Might you try and learn a bit of his language, just in case, so that you'd be able to communicate?

Would you consider going further, i.e. asking the agency to let him/his adoptive family know that they've heard from you? I don't know if that's an option, but an adoptee I knew told me that in the UK, sometimes one person is contacted out of the blue by an agency to let them know that they've heard from the other one.

I witnessed a very positive adoption reunion period between a 40 year old man and his birth mother. These things can work out well.

[thatsucks]

Also just wanted to add - what happened to you was terrifying and dreadful - you were attacked, left pregnant and gave birth alone in your room.

When you feel overwhelmed with guilt about your son being adopted, could you perhaps look back at yourself at 14 - a child, one not that much holder than your son - and turn that guilt into love, compassion and sadness for that young girl? Just the way you would feel if it was one of your own children or any child of 14?

You were immensely brave to have your son adopted, to carry on with your life and how wonderful it is that you have a husband and two adored children. That's awesome.

I hope you've managed to get some sleep tonight and this thread has helped in some small way to allow you to vent.

[FindoGask]

"When you feel overwhelmed with guilt about your son being adopted, could you perhaps look back at yourself at 14 - a child, one not that much holder than your son - and turn that guilt into love, compassion and sadness for that young girl? Just the way you would feel if it was one of your own children or any child of 14? "

This is a lovely post and one I wholeheartedly agree with. You were so young, and it sounds such a terrifying time.

[ssd]

yes thatsucks has said everything I wanted to say, very eloquently.

[Thankyoumrspatterson]

Thank you so much, I was ok last night.

I do speak the language but it's been years since I left and it's not that great now, I've asked a friend who is that nationality if she could help me. She doesn't know anything but I said it was extremely personal and would she help, which she said yes.

I wrote a letter to him just after and I've kept it. It details everything I wanted to say and how I felt. I read it for the first time a few weeks ago since I wrote it and I did feel sorry for my younger self.

The thing is sometimes I still feel like that little girl, it's hard to separate feelings of guilt and hatred for me from remorse for a kid iyswim.

When I have my ds2 (my eldest now) I didn't know how I would be but I've always been extremely clingy to them, not the best I know but it helps me stay at ease.

[juneau]

If you'd like him to have the chance to find you if he wants to, then yes you should definitely send your contact details to the adoption agency. Some adopted DC don't feel the need to find their birth parent(s), but many do and this is one thing you can do for him - give him that chance to reach out and find out about you and his birth family. It might bring you some peace too to know that you've done what you can.

[BoredFatCat]

aw this is sad dont really know what to say i hope it works out for you tho and your son comes back to you everything happens for a reason to feel guilty you did what you had to nobody is judging you xx

[Everyotherusernameistaken]

Just think if he hadn't been adopted then you may not have had your other children.

He is much much much more likely than not, to be in a very loving and happy home and he probably wouldn't wish his life to be different. Comfort yourself by thinking he is very happy, as he most likely is. Well as happy as any teenage is!

But yes why not write to the agency

[Droflove]

You made a good and solid choice in the circumstances and likely your first child and your other children have benefited from that choice. You should not regret. Being a parent at 14 is simply not good for any of you. Unless you had a parent who would step in an be the parent instead of you I can't help but believe it would have been a disaster for you both if you tried to raise your son at that age.

[Droflove]

PS. You should be proud of yourself for making the decision and holding life together enough to go on and raise children later in a better situation. Definitely put in place ways for your son to find you.

[BertieBrabinger]

Oh OP, it's not often a post on here brings a tear to my eye, but yours really did.

Oh my word, please don't feel guilty. The decision you made at 14 was one of utter courage and the best thing you could have done. Just wanted to join others here who say write to the agency, and please know that there is someone here - along with I'm sure a lot of other posters - who admire your courage.
A hug from me and some

[gabsdot45]

My children are adopted and we would all be delighted to her from their birth parents. Children can never have too many people in their lives who love them.
I hope you are able to find the peace and closure you need after all you've been through.

[Thankyoumrspatterson]

Thank you everyone, Im going to write next week and call the agency and we shall see what happens, I'll update the thread x

[SummerHouse]

shethinksshespeople you sound amazing. Supportive, thoughtful, loving. I hope one day you find the words and the strength to write back. You seem like you have the words to me. But I guess only you know if its right.

[Thankyoumrspatterson]

So tonight I went through the paperwork and some things are not what I thought. I'm gping through the ppw again later this week to see if there is anything I can do in regards to writing. My mum has piped up saying she knows how to give details and I could of contacted him :( I thought it was a closed adoption, looking through the ppw I thought he weighed more than he did etc. I feel so goddam awful

[Thumbwitch]

Oh lovey, that's so sad - but if your mum knows stuff then get her to tell you it now. It's not too late!

[Invizicat]

Thankyou

There are several other birth mothers who sometimes post on the adoption part of MN and a lot of the posters there are very wise and knowledgeable about all aspects of adoption. Perhaps you would get good support if you post there. (We all know you're not being unreasonable.)