a little advice for a newbie

[TinkerBlue]

Hello, I am totally new to these boards - still spending most of my mn time over on conception but would tentatively like to test the adoption waters as it were.

Dh and I have been ttc for 6 years. We are fairly sure ivf is not for us. Having been told I was probably infertile 12 years ago I always assumed that adoption would be on the cards at some point.

We contacted our la last winter and had an initial phone conversation and were sent the forms to fill in. We also attended a fostering open day to explore that option. Armed with relevant info we decided to take our time and give my body one last chance.

Unfortunately it seems to no avail as I am not pregnant and my burning desire for children seems to have well and truly taken over my life!
We are having a final round of fertility tests this month so that we have it clear in our heads exactly where we are with our fertility. Then it is decision time.

My heart tells me that adoption is for me, although I am a complete newbie to the process and the system. Even if we were candidates for ivf I have a morbid fear of miscarriage which almost rules it out.

Could anyone please advise on timescales between ttc and making an adoption application. I read that if you have had fertility treatment you are obliged to wait a year before you can be assessed? Or does this depend on the la or agency? Or type of treatment?

I will be in receipt of our fertility results by the end of this year and feel a need to have a plan of action in place, so that we can get the ball rolling asap.

I'm hoping there are ladies that might have been through similar that can offer their advice? I am reluctant to contact our la again at this stage as I'm aware how precious their time is and want to be making that call to say - here we are, ready to go. Rather than talking almost hypotheticals.

Many thanks in advance.

[Tinkletwinkle]

italian thank you. Your posts were very thoughtful and helpful way back when I started this thread.

At the moment we are discussing exactly which children we would like to seek approval for. We are a bit afraid to discount any particular group in case we miss out.
I think we might look at getting approval for f2a, individual children and sibling groups of two. Our la rarely place children over the age of 6 so that seems a good upper age limit.
We don't feel like we have the skills to parent children with disabilities.
It's such a terrible discussion to have, discounting children because they might not "fit". Our sw is very supportive though, she says most of her adoptive families hate this bit as it feels like "shopping". She has encouraged us to keep our options as broad as possible for the approval stage, then we can hopefully fall in love at the matching stage.

[Italiangreyhound]

Tinkle hi. I posted on your thead before. Our son has been with us over two and a half years and was 3 when he came.

I've got friends/acquaintances who have adopted children of all ages from small baby up to age six. We were told very clearly by out LA the types of children they had awaiting adoption when we started our journey. I think it does help to have a picture of the kind of children and kind of needs.

When we had our birth daughter (before adopting) I imagined when children grew older they were harder to love! The reality is the love grows. And for me it is not the biological/genetic link that makes things special but time shared.

So with ds we missed the first 3, almost 4 years of his life. I had wanted a baby, May be a girl (because that was what I knew!). So when we got ds details I had to think "ok we have missed the first three plus years but if we say no we will miss the whole of his life" he just sounded you good to miss out on, and has proved to be amazing, bright, funny, loving and adorable (and hard work) in equal measure!

So I would encourage you to be open where you feel you can be open, age, ethnicity, sex, disability etc BUT also to be realistic about what you can and cannot handle. Reading up on the types of issues and finding out about children in the care system etc so there are not too many surprises.

We has done some regressive stuff with ds, hand-feeding him when it wasn't' needed so that we filled in some gaps maybe of where he did not get such close care. He is having theraplay at the moment. Which is very helpful.

Good luck.

[Tinkletwinkle]

Great, thank you, found the workbook.

Good luck with telling your boss, hope they don't mind.

[exercisejunkie]

Tinklettwinkle, Southwark isn't my LA I'm outside of London. Wow weekend training! 'One certainly do not do that! I'm going to have to use AL and as a nanny I always feel I have to say what odd days are for so planning to tell my bosses before Xmas.....eek! I'm hoping they take it well as ideally I'd like to be a nanny with own child and take my child to work with me in the future.

[Tinkletwinkle]

Jeffrey scandal was the Mumsnet hacker, my old username was on the list of hacked accounts. Thanks for the luck!

We think we'll do all our checks in Jan, then training course over a weekend in Feb. This will delay stage one by a week or two but my annual leave allocation is limited so going to wait for the next weekend dates.

Our la don't post their work book online so you are lucky.

I'm also working through the reading list ATM. The ones I've enjoyed most so far have been the Sally Donovan ones, I really liked her writing style.

[donquixotedelamancha]

Intriguing. What's 'the jeffrey scandal'?

Congrats on going for adoption- good luck.

[exercisejunkie]

Thanks! I hope so! If it's helpful, Southwark LA have their stage 1 workbook online, it's useful to see the depth that they go into in the workbooks.

I'll officially start stage 1 on the 12 Jan. Foundation training day. I'be also ordered a couple of books from a recommended reading list they gave us.

[Tinkletwinkle]

Ooh, congratulations exercisejunkie maybe we can compare notes as we go through the process
Being a Nanny will tick a lot of boxes for the assessment I'm sure.

[exercisejunkie]

Hi tinklettwinkle,

I'M also at the start of my adoption journey.
Plannning to adopt as a single adopter.
I'be worked with children my whole career, currently as a Nanny and mainly within the SEN sector.
This is something i'be said I want to do for years so it's no surprise to family and friends.

[Tinkletwinkle]

Resurrecting a zombie thread because under a name change after the Jeffrey scandal I am the op.
Almost exactly two years on from my first post here we have just started our adoption journey with our la. We met our (rather lovely) sw this week and all being well will begin stage one in January
I've been trawling through the adoption threads here for some time and came across this old thread of mine and wanted to say thanks for the advice that you all gave me, and to see if anyone had any further tips now we're 2 years down the line?

[KristinaM]

A petting dog scheme is a great idea, lots of SWers are funny about dogs . They work from a lot of stereotypes about pets being substitute children etc etc . And they are obsessed with the idea that a child may be allergic to dogs . Which of course many of them are. But many more will get huge benefits from being part of a pet owning family and loving and caring for a pet .

So a petting scheme would show that your dog is healthy, well behaved and well disciplined and safe with children .

But , and it's a big but, before you get caught up in getting yourself approved as adopters, please make sure that you know enough about the minds of children that are available to adopt and that you can see yourself parenting such a child .

Nearly all children are removed because the parents are unable to care for them safely .

And their whole extended families are also unable or unwilling to care for them .

Please think about why that might be .

All children placed for adoption have suffered loss and trauma . They have lost their birth mothers and then at least one, often many more, sets of foster families .

Many have also experienced neglect and abuse. This leaves life long scars. All children are affected to a greater or lesser extent .

Most children also come from families affected by drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence , mental illness , personality disorders and learning difficulties . Some of these things are hereditary . Others have effects in utero .

I know that " getting through" the approval process seems like a big deal . But in the overall scheme of things it's just another box that needs ticked. The child you adopt ( as with the child you give birth to ) will affect your lives and the lives of your whole family for generations to come .

The stuff on adoption UK and other support groups isn't BS. It's just not representative, in the same way that the TTC threads on MN are not representative of couples TTC.

[TinkerBlue]

Ha ha! Thank you Italiangreyhound like anyone, a couple of lbs wouldn't hurt, also getting fit would be great (I am fairly slim but don't move much!). Dh is a streak!

It's great you say to do all the things you can in preparation now, rather than after the application goes in (I would probably have steamed ahead). One thing I have my concerns about is our dog. She's lovely but shy. I might try and find a course that would enable her to be a petting dog. That would be good for her and also might tie up with the volunteering with children idea.

As for counselling, the simple answer is no, we haven't. So I'll ask my gp when I see her.

Many thanks, it's really kind of you to share your stories and offer advice!

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry, am loosing marbles and can't add up! ....we had a false start about 4 and a half years ago ...

and

Anyway, I don't regret it as we adopted our little boy and if we had gone through it years ago we would not have him!

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry - We have a birth dd, and tried to have another baby/child for six and a half years.

Also, not suggesting you have weight to lose, I had weight to lose. And I did not lose it all, but I kept on trying to get fitter because that was one of the things I knew social services would be interested in.

Can I also say that you need to be sure you are ready to move on from fertility treatment. I think you and your partner need to be on the same page, so lots of talking etc to make sure you are.

Have you had counselling for your infertility? I really think this is useful. We had treatment with donor eggs and had to have specific counselling for this. All the counselling I had was very useful. It just helps to show you are able to move on from things. You do need to be able to do that and it can be hard, we had a false start about 5 and a half years ago when we wanted to start adoption process but I was not ready. we went away and had one last go at IVF with donor eggs, a fresh and then a frozen cycle. The whole process plus the 6 months wait afterwards took us about two years. So we actually started the adoption process about 2 and a half years ago. Anyway, I don't regret it as we adopted our little boy and if we had gone through it years ago we would have him! So although I felt annoyed that I had delayed things by 'needing' one more attempt, which turned into two more attempts because of a frozen cycle, I am now very happy things happened as they did!

Oh and also have a great time going out and doing all the stuff that is harder to do once you are a parent, and do any minor home renovations and also save money! The last one not compatible with the first two!

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry to hear of all you have been through.

We have a birth dd, and tried to have another for six and a half years. We got in touch with our local agency and were told we had to wait six months. You can use the time very effectively to deal with any 'issues' you need to. I had time to:
Read up on situations about adoption
Get fit (I had weight to lose)
Get child care experience, of whatever experience, help the local authority feel you need

Good luck.

[64x32x24]

Hiya,
As to 'plan of action': IMHO the assessment timescales are so short these days that it really, really is important to have been preparing yourselves before you start the process.
Also, if the trend from the last 6 months continues, then adoption agencies are quite likely to be very picky about who they agree to assess, in another 6 months time. So, anything that would make you a strong candidate would be helpful.
So, yes to experience with children; but make sure you get experience with the right age group. Think long and hard about what age range you could be happy with, and inform yourself about the specific issues that come with that age. So that when it comes to it you can tell the SW eg that you have experience with children aged 0-2; and understand about the difficulties they may have despite their young age; and are informed about issues such as FASD/ effects of drugs in utero; and have soul searched and a fairly good idea that you could deal with a certain degree if uncertainty (many issues aren't diagnosed until much older). Rather than just saying 'we'd really like a baby'.
Also, read! As much as you can :)

Good luck!

[TinkerBlue]

Ooh, great - thanks for the link! It's these practical things like volunteering etc that I think I need to start doing in the new year. At least I'll feel like I'm working towards something.

Many thanks again for all the invaluable advice.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Time is definitely on your side. Definitely book a holiday for January!

I was lucky in as much as I was working part time (having dropped from full time while doing IVF), so I volunteered at a pre-school for a morning a week, and an after school club one afternoon. It was invaluable and I believe we wouldn't have been placed with our children without it.

I understand that expectation have increased since we were assessed ~9 years ago (help has it really been that long??) so well worth checking what your LA will want. I think they are more fussy now about both partners having some experience, plus covering preferred age group. Babysitting a friend's child just doesn't cut it any more I don't think.

[TinkerBlue]

Thanks again all, the "experience with children" note is definitely of importance. Neither of us work with kids and although we have friends and family with children I think we'd make a better case if we did some volunteering or somesuch.

I am 33, dh is 43 so although I know time is on our side really. We also sometimes feel so ready for a family after all these years that impatience and frustration creeps in. Although I'm sure you've all been there too and have your children now. I suppose I just need to keep the faith and put some hard work into it!

and perhaps book a holiday for January!

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Oh, I forgot to say. Adoption is mentally exhausting, so it is very sensible to have a good break between ttc/fertility tests and kicking off adoption. If you are young enough to be ttc then waiting a year won't make you too old to adopt.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Sorry to hear what you've been going through.

We came to adoption after not succeeding with IVF. We first looked into it around 6mnths after we stopped. DH wasn't ready. A year later (so 18months after stopping) we came back to it and proceeded. I was so much more ready by then.

In the 'waiting' time there are a couple of things you could do.

• read up on adoption so you become aware of the issues, and you can start to think what type of child/children you might be interested in
• if you have limited experience with children, try to get some. They seem to need more now than when we were approved a long time ago now. You could do a tentative enquiry to your LA to ask what sort of thing they consider useful.

Oh, and don't be scared off by online boards for adopters like Adoption UK (and another better looking one that I'm not sure I'm allowed to mention). It is the families who are struggling who tend to post most.

We adopted girls over 7 years ago. Today I have been helping DD1 fill out applications for 6th form college.

[TinkerBlue]

X post - Thanks lilka too!

I guess doing some more research is a firm plan!

[TinkerBlue]

Many thanks, barbados and kristina. I appreciate the quick responses.

We have done some research (probably not quite enough yet) on adoption agencies and our la. When we contacted our la last time it was a reasonably informed decision as we were encouraged by their ofsted report and some online research we had done. I'd certainly like to spend some more time looking into our options regarding this choice. Are there any books/websites you could recommend?

Regarding the ivf vs adoption conundrum we have researched alot of the preliminaries regarding adoption and are currently satisfied that this option is preferable to assisted conception in our circumstances. Should assisted conception be an option (we have previously been told we aren't strong candidates).

I feel I want to point out that i, in no way, disagree with the principles of ivf. I just don't feel it would be right for me. That said, I realise that adoption is no walk in the park either.

We have as much knowledge on the UK adoption system and the types of children waiting as we can find on the internet. If there are further resources that you can recommend I would be much obliged. I'm well aware that much of the online stuff is bs, hence me posting here

Thanks again for responding - 6mths sounds much better than 12!