Birth parent letters

[Italiangreyhound]

There have been a few threads on here recently about letters from birth parents. The threads have covered some ground about what to put in the letter to birth parents etc, waiting for letters etc and that type of thing.

I am just wondering from any parents who do get birth parent letters, if they would be willing to share how they feel when they get them, what they do with the letters, how/when they share them.

We are waiting for ours and I would love to know some more but I do recognise that not many people get letters from the birth parents and many others may not wish to share openly, so please do pm me if you prefer.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

It never fails to amaze me how backwards the British system is. 26 years ago I gave up a beautiful boy for adoption in New Zealand. I was 15 and could not give him the life he deserved. 3 years previously the laws changed in New Zealand to allow a more open and mature set up. I was the one who decided which family to allow baby to go to within a group of a dozen or so files. I interviewed prospective parents. Between chosen parent we both decided on frequency of contact (including face to face meetings, letter and photos. At the beginning letters I wrote were to whole family then as time went on I wrote personally to him. The social workers and the system are FAR too involved IMO in this country. Though I suppose things are different if children are removed from birth families as opposed to given up freely.

[Lilka]

Well exactly, things are different when children are removed

Which is nearly every adoption in this country and system.

You can't base a system composed primarily of adoptions without consent, off of what works well when babies are relinquished by caring mothers who support the adoption. Relinquishment is pretty rare in this country

I support more involvement from the birth mum when she is freely choosing to relinquish her baby, but I think barely any of us on here are in that situation.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

Fair enough Lilka :) All the best to all on here

[Italiangreyhound]

RabbitByou said Sent our first letterbox a couple of months ago and are waiting to see if we receive anything in return. We have letterbox with 5 birth family members - out of interest, in this situation do other people write individual letters or the same to everyone?*

We write the same. Maybe including a few more personal touches to birth parents. I would not write different letters or at different times o year personally as would not ever want birth parents to have less information than other family member/s.

[Italiangreyhound]

None of our letters are to children, if to children would do what Jam said!

Vodka I only know two children in real life in this country who were relinquished and I think I am probably not the average in that I've met quite a lot of adopters in recent years so maybe more adopters on here would say they knew no one who had adopted a relinquished baby. Thanks for sharing your experience and can I ask if it made it much easier for you having that contact? Our son's birth mum did not relinquish him but I still very much hope the contact with us about him will be a help to her.

[Ratracerunner]

We write one letter to the birth parents and give permission for it to be circulated to the half siblings who were adopted by other couples.

The BP chase for their letters but don't write anything in return, which I don't understand. I don't mind sending the letters and I think it will help my children in later years, but if there is no response, won't that hurt them?

Perhaps the BP don't believe it will be passed onto the children?

[Italiangreyhound]

Ratracerunner I am sorry you do not get letters back.

You said The BP chase for their letters but don't write anything in return, which I don't understand. I don't mind sending the letters and I think it will help my children in later years, but if there is no response, won't that hurt them?

Perhaps the BP don't believe it will be passed onto the children?

I wonder if for some birth parents it is all just too painful to write. What could they say? Of course there is a lot they can say, which would be great, but maybe they feel 'What can I say?'

Maybe you are right and they think the letters will not be passed on to the child.

I still think writing is a good idea.

[Italiangreyhound]

If anyone is interested I have started a new thread on a related topic at
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2246780-A-direct-card-from-birth-parent-to-ds-any-thoughts?msgid=50987483#50987483

Thanks.

[OurMiracle1106]

I think it all depends on the individual letters. I was not only told but my son's parents wrote what a lovely letter it was and how pleased they were to hear from me. It's hard writing these letters but a child has a right to know. Also what would be worse. Knowing your adopted but asking about birth parents and there being no answers. You wouldn't even know if they were still alive. Had more children. Was making changes and making a better life.

It is very hard. I'm not saying it's not. But the letters don't have to be shared but are there. Adoptive parents can chose not to share. These letters as a birth mum are something I hold very dear to me. My last tiny connection with my gorgeous little boy. My last tiny part that I have in his life.

[OurMiracle1106]

I write what I'm.doing. ask his favourite tv shows etc. Nothing identifying (how many little boys watch Bob the builder) but nice things to know