Birth parent letters

[Italiangreyhound]

There have been a few threads on here recently about letters from birth parents. The threads have covered some ground about what to put in the letter to birth parents etc, waiting for letters etc and that type of thing.

I am just wondering from any parents who do get birth parent letters, if they would be willing to share how they feel when they get them, what they do with the letters, how/when they share them.

We are waiting for ours and I would love to know some more but I do recognise that not many people get letters from the birth parents and many others may not wish to share openly, so please do pm me if you prefer.

[OurMiracle1106]

I write what I'm.doing. ask his favourite tv shows etc. Nothing identifying (how many little boys watch Bob the builder) but nice things to know

[OurMiracle1106]

I think it all depends on the individual letters. I was not only told but my son's parents wrote what a lovely letter it was and how pleased they were to hear from me. It's hard writing these letters but a child has a right to know. Also what would be worse. Knowing your adopted but asking about birth parents and there being no answers. You wouldn't even know if they were still alive. Had more children. Was making changes and making a better life.

It is very hard. I'm not saying it's not. But the letters don't have to be shared but are there. Adoptive parents can chose not to share. These letters as a birth mum are something I hold very dear to me. My last tiny connection with my gorgeous little boy. My last tiny part that I have in his life.

[Italiangreyhound]

If anyone is interested I have started a new thread on a related topic at
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2246780-A-direct-card-from-birth-parent-to-ds-any-thoughts?msgid=50987483#50987483

Thanks.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ratracerunner I am sorry you do not get letters back.

You said The BP chase for their letters but don't write anything in return, which I don't understand. I don't mind sending the letters and I think it will help my children in later years, but if there is no response, won't that hurt them?

Perhaps the BP don't believe it will be passed onto the children?

I wonder if for some birth parents it is all just too painful to write. What could they say? Of course there is a lot they can say, which would be great, but maybe they feel 'What can I say?'

Maybe you are right and they think the letters will not be passed on to the child.

I still think writing is a good idea.

[Ratracerunner]

We write one letter to the birth parents and give permission for it to be circulated to the half siblings who were adopted by other couples.

The BP chase for their letters but don't write anything in return, which I don't understand. I don't mind sending the letters and I think it will help my children in later years, but if there is no response, won't that hurt them?

Perhaps the BP don't believe it will be passed onto the children?

[Italiangreyhound]

None of our letters are to children, if to children would do what Jam said!

Vodka I only know two children in real life in this country who were relinquished and I think I am probably not the average in that I've met quite a lot of adopters in recent years so maybe more adopters on here would say they knew no one who had adopted a relinquished baby. Thanks for sharing your experience and can I ask if it made it much easier for you having that contact? Our son's birth mum did not relinquish him but I still very much hope the contact with us about him will be a help to her.

[Italiangreyhound]

RabbitByou said Sent our first letterbox a couple of months ago and are waiting to see if we receive anything in return. We have letterbox with 5 birth family members - out of interest, in this situation do other people write individual letters or the same to everyone?*

We write the same. Maybe including a few more personal touches to birth parents. I would not write different letters or at different times o year personally as would not ever want birth parents to have less information than other family member/s.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

Fair enough Lilka :) All the best to all on here

[Lilka]

Well exactly, things are different when children are removed

Which is nearly every adoption in this country and system.

You can't base a system composed primarily of adoptions without consent, off of what works well when babies are relinquished by caring mothers who support the adoption. Relinquishment is pretty rare in this country

I support more involvement from the birth mum when she is freely choosing to relinquish her baby, but I think barely any of us on here are in that situation.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

It never fails to amaze me how backwards the British system is. 26 years ago I gave up a beautiful boy for adoption in New Zealand. I was 15 and could not give him the life he deserved. 3 years previously the laws changed in New Zealand to allow a more open and mature set up. I was the one who decided which family to allow baby to go to within a group of a dozen or so files. I interviewed prospective parents. Between chosen parent we both decided on frequency of contact (including face to face meetings, letter and photos. At the beginning letters I wrote were to whole family then as time went on I wrote personally to him. The social workers and the system are FAR too involved IMO in this country. Though I suppose things are different if children are removed from birth families as opposed to given up freely.

[Jamfilter]

I wrote one to go to the adults in birth family specified in letterbox, and one to go to the various (half)siblings. Obviously, although the tone and information was different in the one aimed at children, I bore in mind the adults might read that one too, so made sure the general things were consistent

[CloserThanYesterday]

I'd be interested in the answer to that too, Rabbit. We have to write to 4 different birth family members and are wondering if it's ok to send the same letter.

[RabbitRabbit78]

Sent our first letterbox a couple of months ago and are waiting to see if we receive anything in return. We have letterbox with 5 birth family members - out of interest, in this situation do other people write individual letters or the same to everyone?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We précis the letters too, but sometimes need to do them in a couple of sittings to go through the details.

[Italiangreyhound]

Bite not site, bite sized way!

[Italiangreyhound]

Families our letters are written to us, and I am not going to read the letter to ds, it is too long and he would seriously lose interest before I got through it. I just know he would. But I am drip feeding in the info. Also as it is not addressed to him and he is now starting to identify his name I would need to explain it was not addressed to him!

I am delighted to have it but now just not sure how to get all the info into little one, in a site sized way. Of course will keep it safe. We have photographed it and will store the backups elsewhere so even if our house burns down ds's letters will be safe!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We get infrequent letters (it doesn't help that BF, BM and siblings write separately) and hold onto them until a good point to read them to DD. Even though she likes getting them they upset her for about a week afterwards. We understand that it's better in the long run, but struggle sometimes to see that when DD is lashing out at us as a result

[auntybookworm]

Pleased it came

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Glad it came Italian x

[excitedmtb]

great news Italian.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

That's great Italian

[Italiangreyhound]

We got a letter! Hooray. So pleased.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks MooseyMouse.

Angel I guess I am just very much convinced of the benefits of letterbox for children and maybe for birth parents too. But as I say how can I know. Maybe it is better for some people to simply try to forget, I guess I am trying to imagine how I would feel. Knowing that a child is alive and well must beat not knowing, that s just my perspective.

But I know from a previous thread that it must be hugely difficult for birth parents.

I can also imagine for some adopters, because of what has happened, or because of their own experiences etc that it may be hard too.

I guess I would like try and understand other people's points of view but as Lilka says, I cannot really know.

Also, how do I drip feed in the information from letters to my little one.

Thanks one and all.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Italian It's probably a bit different for us because DD1 was 8 when placed and the main need of the letters was to reassure her that her BM was OK. However, we have also always read the letters out to DD2, even when she was only 3.

For us, it has always been understood by BM that letters are shared with the girls. They tend to be addressed to us but worded suitable for them. BM does get help writing them though.

We always read the letter ourselves first before telling the girls it has arrived. If there was major news we would consider how best to break it.

[Angelwings11]

When I wrote my previous post although I understood what humpbacksurgeon was saying, I didn't say I necessarily agreed nor disagreed with whathumpbacksurgeon wrote. Yes, I don't know how BF would feel nor you or others, but it was just an opinion.

I have written two letters and had nothing back. I would like to receive something for the sake of my daughter. Our LB is being reviewed next year and unless it is a two way thing, then unfortunately we will have to stop it.