First parents' evening :(

[meoverhere]

We knew our DC were behind academically, but tonight has just bought it home so much.

The school seems brilliant, really have 'the measure of them' and DS (7) has a number of interventions in place (despite only being there a few weeks) and is making slow but steady progress.

But DD(5) bless her.. For info, Background is one of neglect and multiple carers.

   She can't sit still and is disrupting the class as her teacher is having to          instruct her to sit back down several times a minute. 

    She strokes the teachers hair and other children's a lot

    She won't even attempt to write, insisting that teachers write in highlighter for her to wrote over. She does this at home too and goes into meltdown every time I try to encourage her to write alone or do anything she doesn't wan to do. 

I don't know how to support her. I'm worried her stroking her teacher's hair a lot is a sign that she isn't attached to me (although there are a number of signs that she is... Is this all 'front')

I don't know how to help her... Or who to talk to in order to get some ideas.

I've volunteered to go to her class for a morning a week but will that mark her out as different to other children? Will it help or hinder?

Anyone had anything similar? Any ideas? I thought things were going so well and this has taken me by surprise.

Thanks

Please ignore if this is silly but I've always loved to stroke people's hair esp if I'm stressed, a really soft teddy (like a dog with pretent 'real' fur) would do if it's what I had to hand. It calms me and makes me sleepy.
maybe your little one is similar and could take something in to school with her.

Hw long are they placed with you? Our school has a number of adoptees and had used the pupil premium to get some of their staff trained on attachement difficulties. I do just have to accept the DC are always going to have some blind spots because those early years have just left those poor brain connections and gaps in security and self-confidence.

5 is soooo young. At this age just focus on getting her calm, settled and feeling safe. If she is dysregulated because the environment/her inner worries are freaking her out, no way will she be learning letters. I would pull right back on the academic stuff - plenty of time to catch that up later. Ignore, ignore, ignore anything to do with expected levels and that crap.

Have you had any post-adoption support or training from your agency or local authority?

That is a great practical point about taking in a "secure" thing from home - brilliant.

She will be developing an attachment to you, it isn't all-or-nothing, but she may be confused easily in her relationships with other mum-like adults at the same time.

Thanks purple, that's an idea.

Raising to be honest because of the timing of placement (a few weeks before summer holidays), this is the first time we've been made aware of the magnitude of these issues. They been mentioned before but this is the first time the 'dots have been joined' if that makes sense. I will get in touch with our support worker but she's just started 3 weeks hols (of course!!)

She shows no signs of stress as such at school, trots off happily every day, comes out smiling and eager to tell us about her day. I appreciate this may not mean she isn't stressed, but what sort of signs should we be looking for do you think? She has always touched things a lot, since foster care due to being sensory deprived in foster care which us what we put this down yo previously.

She, other than this, appears to have attached well. Runs to me if she's scared or in pain, lots and lots of physical contact... Lots of 'I love you mummy'. So the hair thing worries me (in spite of me saying she always been someone who uses their fingers, above. Perhaps I'm overthinking it).

Do you think a morning a week at school is a good thing to do?

I'm sorry you had a tough evening. I think your plan to go in one morning per week could be really positive - you would be able to show your DD that the classroom is a safe place, and demonstrate for her how to handle different situations there. It's going to all be confusing and stressful for her right now, and anything that comforts and calms her has to be good IMHO

Have you tried looking at Sally Donovan's blog, or her book "love is not enough"? I only mention it because I think I remember that her adopted son had real trouble sitting down in his class, and one of the (many) things that turned out to cause it was hypervigilance - he found it very scary to have his back to the door, or to any activity. Changing his seat in the class was really helpful, I believe.

I can completely understand that some unusual signs of affection are being shown by your little girl, based on your description of her early life. It may be an indication of general confusion about what's expected of her when interacting with people, rather than a reflection of her bond with you. You also mention sensory issues - Caroline Archer's book "Parenting the child who hurts" (the toddler age one) has some really good ideas for games and activities to do at home to help children who have disregulation with sensory issues.

Is there good post-adoption support in your local authority? This is where I would start, for support for you, and potentially for adoption and attachment training for your DD's school. If the LA can't help you, then perhaps contacting BAAF or Adoption UK to talk things through with someone experienced?

Please be kind to yourself, and take things gently

Funnily enough upsy, I'm just reading Sally's book again now.

Thanks for the tip re Caroline Archer... Will take a look at that.

Yes, I believe the PAS is very good and I will definitely talk to our social worker at their next visit.

Thank you for your last line... I feel quite tearful for some reason... A bit helpless.

Thank you so much everyone for replying, I really appreciate it x

Do remember that lots of 5 year olds find sitting and writing hard- the teacher will have some ways to help too. It is still very young- get her secure and let the writing come later.

Hi there, just to add to previous posters, we have recently been on the safebase course run by after adoption. It was fantastic, would recommend it to anyone so might be worth asking post adoption if they run it in your LA.

hugs x

I'm a teacher with lots of experience of children who have been in care. I want to tell you not to worry too much- her behaviour sounds very normal for her situation.

I wouldn't panic about the writing at all. It will come. If she is in a state of high alert/anxiety then she won't be ready to learn. She needs lots of time to settle with you in her new home- to decompress, almost.

Don't worry about her being 'behind'- there's really no such thing at 5. Remember, in some countries she wouldn't start school for another two years.

Going into school sounds like a fab idea. Don't worry about singling her out, lots of schools use parent helpers. You wouldn't necessarily have to be 'glued' to her anyway- could you listen to kids read? Perhaps your presence will be enough to reassure her.

You sound like you're a lovely, caring mum, doing a fab job. Your DD will be fine.

On the school front, the transition to year 1 is very hard for most children as learning becomes more formal, they are expected to do 'work' and there is lot less time for play. Have you considered asking the school if she could join the reception class? This would give her another year of play and child led learning before the more formal ks1 curriculum.

My son has a child who was adopted in his class, similar background to your DC. He has real trouble sitting still and is disruptive. He has lots of special things in place, but given that he couldn't speak properly when placed (aged 6) he is now 7 and is beginning to read. The other children know he 'finds it harder' to sit still, but appear to totally accept him.

It such early days, don't make a big thing about anything. But going to school would be a good thing. Lots of parents do that anyway, I did for various stuff, at 5 they love it (by 12 they don't so much!).

Where to start?

First of all, they are both very young and academically I wouldn't worry one bit about where they are. From experience of DS's learning over the last 8 years I can say that when he is anxious his head is too full of his own fears to make any space for learning and when he's feeling confident, he just soaks it up like a sponge so the emphasis definitely needs to be addressing her needs rather than her writing.

I would suggest the school talk to someone like Family Futures who do courses for teachers on how to handle adopted children with specific problems. I assume they can use the pupil premium to do this. Talk to them about what they plan to spend the pupil premium on and make sure you have some input.

I would (not a teacher mind you) be expecting the teacher to regress her back to the stage she's at. So for example if she's not happy writing then to take her back a stage to mark-making and pattern drawing (any drawing in fact).

They should also consider using the strategies they use to manage children with ADHD for the time being to help with her restlessness and make sure she gets plenty of breaks and exercise.

Google sensory seeking advice - often there is very good advice on the autism boards about it as sensory issues are common in both adoption and autism. DS bizarrely has aspects of being both sensory seeking and sensory avoidant! Depending on the sense - for example he likes lots of physical contact, likes heavy sensations on him eg heavy blankets but is hypersensitive to noise and movement (flies and the like) - it's taken a while to get the balance right for us but at nearly 9 we're just about there! (Famous last words). Stroking hair sounds like a sensory issue to me rather than an attachment issue though I personally think the edges of where those two meet is blurred. DS is very attached to me although I think has an insecure attachment style - he does worry about it being taken away if he behaves badly for example and its hard to tell whether his physicality with me is a sensory issue, an attachment issue or just the way he is. Whichever it is, it really not the worst problem to deal with so don't (as you say) overthink it. And yes I would second (or third) the idea of arranging for her to have something comforting to stroke in school which might help cut the hair stroking down.

And yes - go into school and do volunteer reading (or whatever they suggest) DS absolutely loved it and it did help settle him down a lot.

I can't see how long they've been with you, I seem to recall reading since beginning of the summer but can't find it now! If so then I thought things were going so well is not incompatible with having problems in school. Many children struggle when changing schools, let alone children that have had such a huge upheaval in their very short lives so far. The school sound pretty responsive and like they'll work with you in getting strategies in place and you sound attached and caring so the children really are in the best place they can be to become happy and secure.

It's early days and she's very young, so don't fret too much yet. They do change a lot during primary school years. Lots of children find it hard getting used to sitting at desks for prolonged periods.

I think stroking others and standing up constantly indicate low impulse control, not lack of attachment though.

If she does have low impulse control it might possibly be linked to other things though like ADHD or anxiety.

The school will probably stall getting a referral to an ed psych see if things will calm down naturally, therefor saving themselves a few hundred pounds. You might have to wait till she's 7? You could pay for one yourself but the school mightn't recognise it.

At this age some children are still fidgety and can be disruptive, without them being adopted or having ADHD. I had the hair stroking with my DS (5) - it was just his way of connecting when he felt a bit awkward, etc. We read books about friendship and reinforced other ways of communicating / saying hi to teachers & friends. He moved away from the hair stroking quite quickly. Playdates also helped as DS saw more familiar faces in class, and relaxed more.

Academically, I would focus more on the social side to begin with and then maybe look at more undercover ways of getting her to engage with the learnings. Playdoh and lego are good for getting them to sit down and focus longer. Education city online is really good fun and covers the curriculum, you can lower / raise the levels. Also bbc bitesize online.
With the writing we bought a galt writing pad - it's split in half, a blank area for drawing and some lines underneath. We started drawing funny pictures (like guinea pigs parachuting) and then writing words connected with the story.

I think volunteering is fine too - a lot of parents do it in our school.

Finally, how about a pet - something she can look after. I got two guinea pigs and my DS likes the responsibility/ structure for caring for them. We also got lots of mileage using them for little projects in school. Obviously, you will end up doing most of the cleaning, but my DS loves them.

I think your children are very lucky to parents like you x

Thank you all... I'm taking in everything you say and feel much more positive about things this morning with the practical tips you've given me.

www.familyfutures.co.uk/product/wont-do-cant-do/

I'm considering this one for myself.

www.familyfutures.co.uk/product/a-day-for-parents-on-education-based-problems-and-solutions-for-children-who-are-fostered-or-adopted/

Hi Kew... I've already spoken to Family Futures after your suggestion... Unfortunately the training course is a week today so probably too late to get DDs teacher on it (and they only run them annually)...but they recommended some written material which I'm looking into.

Might see you on that second course!

My YD was very like this through Reception and Y1: danced at the back during quiet carpet time, very physically affectionate with the staff. Spent most of year 1 sitting out side the HT's office because she was disrupting the whole class. Quite liked numbers but did not write a letter or read a book in all that time. Not adopted, no perceivable reason. I read to her but asking her to read or even doing drawing if there were lines in the book led to meltdowns.

Then she hit Y2 and it was like someone flicked a switch: came home of the first day and said she needed to learn to read and write like the others. Caught up really quickly (had been picking it up by osmosis I think) and is now doing really well: top table academically, very gregarious, socially competent.

I guess what I'm saying is that of course you will want to do everything you can to make it easier for her, to minimise any problems, but actually some of this will be only within her own control. It's a horrible time, but all you can do is keep plugging away in the knowledge that in all likelihood this will pass.

meoverhere just wanted to offer hand holding. My dd is not adopted and is very behind due to dyslexia. I have found it very helpful to go into class and help one afternoon a week ever since she was 4 (she is now 10). My new ds is adopted.

Lots of good advice here, try and stay calm. Personally, I would not doubt she is attaching to you based on the hair stroking, I would see it as a sensory self soothing thing. My dd still sucks her thumb! Personally, I might see if you can get a nice bag or doll or toy with a velvety feel or long fur or something for her to take to school, maybe a furry pencil case, to stroke when she feels agitated. Or encourage her to smooth down her own hair. This is totally my own amateur thoughts on what may help her to calm herself down without needing to reply on other people's presence or without 'worrying' other people. A lot of little girls touch each others' hair (maybe little boys do too, I don;t know I am not one!) As a child i had long hair and loved it in school assembly when the child behind started playing with my hair! But from what you describe it is more than that and so maybe if you can find something as nice but easier to do you could try and introduce that.

I am ready to be shouted down if others think this is a dumb idea.

And 100% agree, 5 is very young to be writing or to be expected to write.

Try and not worry, it is very hard but you are obviously a very caring mum and you are supporting your kids with your care.

to rely on other people's presence. By 'worrying' other people I mean some kids may not like it and may react negatively to it.

Most reception aged children love having their parents in school, so if the teacher agrees it would be helpful, don't worry about singling her out