Writing our first contact letter to birth mother....help

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Hi,

I started to write this letter and after two sentences I have writers block. Just got not idea what to write.

I am wary of anything too personal as she lives close to us. I am also mindful of her reading things like "he's doing well at school etc" and thinking we are gloating. I am over thinking it!

Can anyone suggest some good topics or starter sentences.....

Thanks

We were told to do a paragraph each under the loose headings... not as 'must do' but just as guidance...

Health - how healthy have they been
School - how are they getting on
Something they like to do at home/pastimes
Something that shows we have an emotional connection with them, i.e. an anecdote that has touched us.

We only loosely followed the headings above, but it helped start us off and get over the initial writers block.

Hope this helps in some way?

We wrote a few sentences to begin and then sectioned this off. General (height, weight, foods/films/TV/songs/activities poppet liked to do), education, health, education (prior to dd being at nursery I wrote about the classes we attended) and social (visits to places, friends).

How do you plan to sign off the letter?

Thanks both of you, that's very helpful. We plan to sign off with our first names, she knows these already.

We have a few rules

• no mentioning locations of nearby places, only holidays
• no saying future events, only stuff that's happened
• generally a positive-realistic feel (ie being honest but with a positive spin)
• I don't mention all the stuff we do as it sounds a bit boastful money wise
• we try not to say anything too worrying

I believe our BM wants the girls to be doing well at school so have no problem with that. I tend to follow similar to meoverhere

This is a ficticious example of the kind of thing we write, hope it's helpful:

Dear XXX

I hope you are well. Thank you for your last letter. We/Satsuma were pleased to hear you now have a job.

At school, Satsuma has just started in y2. He generally enjoys going in, though has occasional wobbles. He doesn't find the learning very easy, but tries hard and has recently started reading easy chapter books such as 'Horrid Henry'

Out of school Satsuma still really enjoys playing football with his friends and cycling his bike. He has started playing in a local under 8's squad and is slowly learning that he needs to pass the ball to others not just keep it to himself!

Satsuma's health is generally good, he still gets occasional asthma attacks, but they don't worry him much. He has grown a lot recently and is now 122cm tall with size 1 feet.

In the summer we went to Blackpool for a week. Satsuma really enjoyed riding on the donkeys and building sandcastles. We did go to the fun park and he enjoyed the rollercoasters but hated the water ride.

Satsuma does talk about you and we do our best to answer his questions and help him make sense of everything.

If you do have anything you'd like to ask, please do so

Kind regards

Sanders

Watching with interest TrinnyandSatsuma.

Good luck

That's a lovely letter Pooh

Even though it's fictitious

Hi there,
As a birth mother, the sorts of things I want to hear about my birth daughter are:

how she is: physically, emotionally and spiritually

how she is doing at school: it isn't gloating at all, but consider a little detail or too because they are so treasured, such as the comment above about horrid Henry books, or that they did the long distance on Sports Day, or whatever

What she, and they as a family, get up to outside school: and here's the area that gloating stings - Dd has been on "several skiing holidays" in the last year and whilst I am of course grateful that her material needs are being more than met, my junior professional salary simply would never go that far - and if your child's birth parent like many is u employed or on low wages this will sting even more. I'd rather know what she likes to get up to at the weekend, that she has started wanting a lie in or helps cook the tea on a Saturday night than very expensive hobbies or pastimes. I think, sadly, that wealth is so normal to DDs adopters that they probably don't realise most of the world can't even imagine that.

I'd love to know if I am ever mentioned or talked about at all but I have to accept I have no right to that. If they have written maybe acknowledge the letter? Again, I'd love this, or let your child write something, or even include one of their.drawings or an unidentifying picture (I'd love one of DD on the aforementioned ski slope where no one would know who she is!) Don't be too obviously vague about stuff "doing crafts with other family members" winds me up - just say grandparents, it is a real comfort (both my parents are gone so knowing DD has family helps).

Sorry if that's an essay or too whingy. Wishing you all the best x

Can I also jump in here (sorry) - also writing our first letter and struggling to sign off. We don't want to use real names and our sw suggested made up names but that feels uncomfortable to me. We thought about signing as x' s mum and dad or parents but would this be insensitive?

We've also been asked to do ours and think will sign off as x's adoptive mum and dad- it's factual.

We've met BM, and sign off with our (bog-standard) names.
We also send nice photos.

If we had unusual names we'd probably say 'adoptive parents'

I think signing off as names , even if made up, is better . Birth mum may not understand that you don't want to identify yourselves and may think you are trying to make a point ( about being child's parents when she no longer is the legal parent ) .

What about your middle names, would that feel ok ?

A very good thread. Thanks Sanders for your guidance. I'd be interested to know if any BP does ask what they want to know.

Thanks Little Miss Disorganised for your view too. Good to know it isn't gloating. Our DS is clever and if I was the BP I would want to know. He is also beautiful - genuinely. I wrote that too and I did have a worry it would appear gloating (he was not v photogenic in the photos we saw pre meeting him for first time. I always worry people will think we chose him for his looks which was not the case at all.)

In our last LB we signed off 'from the adoptive parents', but this year I changed it. We can not use our names as BM does not know them as there is a security issue and both DH and I have very unusual easily traceable names. I thought it a little insensitive to sign off 'from x mum and dad' and didn't want to use initials or a made up name. So I simply signed off 'all our best wishes to you an your family'.

Don't underestimate how much writing these letters takes out of you. We were all for letterbox, know it's The Right Thing To Do for DS, have the structured positive spin letter a la Sanders pretty much down pat...but...it somehow still sucks the life out of us. Be kind to yourself.

If it's your first letter it's bound to be hard, but save it as a template, and you can update each topic in subsequent years, making it a little easier.

Hi,

Sorry for delay in acknowledging all those who have replied. We've been away for the weekend.

Thank you all, very helpful and little miss disorganised, thanks for your perspective much appreciated.

I will go back to the draft tomorrow with your input.

BM knows our first names, although we haven't met (her request not ours), so we will sign off with our real first names. I think I will include a piece of artwork he did this week too.

Thanks again

Trinny x

I dont know whether this is true for others but my first contact letter was before the adoption order. I was actually told as I collected my letter that they were applying for the adoption order. At that point them signing off mum and dad would have been very painful for me and have left me feeling erased from my birth sons life.

I do think that birth parents should also be able to ask for certain things not to be used. I'm not allowed to term myself as mummy or even birth mummy as they aren't comfortable with that so maybe it should go the other way too.

I also wondered why they can't sign off with "on behalf of x" after all contact is for the child and parent not for the birth parents and adopted parents (though I like my sons and think they are two amazing people)

I sometimes think that as a birth parent your emotions and vulnerability is over looked or worse ignored. Contact is for tje child. But it has to work for everyone. If it doesn't then it will only break down.

As for writing a letter. Little things. Like we bought him a new Thomas tank bed set for his birthday mean a lot to ne. Or he loves watching bob the builder etc. He starts school September. He loves pre school and is very popular there so we see no problems.

Hope this is helpful. Hope I havwnt upset anyone

Can I just say that I think you are brilliant to keep in contact with BM,as this will make such a really really BIG difference when your ds grows up. I'm 33 and I'm still looking for my parents or even one of them. No contact was kept by my adoptive parents and I didn't even know I had a real Mum until I was 15. Thing is no leads to go on but that's a differ story. Just wanted you guys to know I think you're terrific xxxx

Sugar if you were adopted through social services they will have records as will an adoption agency. Including your birth parents names. I hope you find them. And as a birth mum agree it is very important. It's hard enough living not knowing where my son is I could never imagine living not knowing if he's alive or dead even. It would be unbearable

I would not want to sign myself off as Cassius's mum, even though I know I am, I think of his birth mum as also his mum, and ditto for his birth dad.

DH and I have very bog standard names, even when put together I've met other couples with same name. If we did not I would have used our middle names (also pretty bog standard) or made up a name, that's just my personal opinion.

We're writing our first letter. Trying to get it all together.

Miracle I can't speak for others but I think DH and I are thinking about the birth parent's feelings quite a lot. I am sure the the same is true for others; it's something the preparation and training does try to make you very aware of.

I showed my son a photo of his birth parents recently and he said nice things about them, he looked for the toy they had given him and he was very positive about them. It's not the same for everyone I know but for our son his birth parents just could not look after him, they did care about him a lot, I want him to feel positive about them and about himself. I really do think the whole letter box thing is for everyone's benefit but most of all in the long term it is to help the child understand about their birth family.

TrinnyandSatsuma how's that letter coming along. A shame the birth mum doesn't feel able to meet you, that may change. Our son's birth parents may meet us. I hope so. Although it is nerve racking. Maybe her feelings will change. All the best.

I don't think it's the people such as adopters involved that forget the birth parents emotions but the services such as social workers who do. I thought the receiving of my first letter and informing me at the same time that they had applied to the court ro adopt my son was a little insensitive at best.

Hi all, sorry to jump in. I'm reading this all, as we too will have to write our first letter soon but haven't had any sw advice yet (still early in placement) We were suggested an idea by our fc that instead of doing a letter, doing a newsletter, with little sections and headings like 'X starts school!', 'Peppa pig now rules' etc.

I liked the idea as it is so child focused, but have realised after reading the posts on here it would also take out all the issues of how to start it, who to address it to and sign off from, to eliminate any upset caused by that. I also thought it's a great way to write to siblings who are quite young right now.

But my question is, while I might think this is a good suggestion from our fc, would birth parents think this is a good idea, or would they see it as too impersonal? We want to get this right, as I know how important it is to them and I do not wish to take on letterbox lightly, I see it as a big part of our commitment to adopting.

Thanks

Hi Silverlinings

It is interesting you say that. We have adopted a baby and I as he will change unrecognisably in the first year (bm last saw him at 11weeks old) I have been jotting down a little diary of his development which I thought about turning into a contact letter. It will say when he did what (e.g. "Mr Independent" at 9 months wants to hold his own bottle). I mean, if it is full of details about him I thought it would be as personal as it gets, no? In our case BM has never been able to maintain contact (older sibs) so I think it will also be nice for pixie when he gets older to have a record of his early days.

I've done it, I've written the first letter for Cassius's birth mum and dad! (Cassius is not his real name).

A relief to get it done.

Thanks for all the input and suggestions, especially from birth parents.