Four year olds and creating good attachment

[excitedmtb]

Does anyone have any practical tips/activities for encouraging attachment, closeness and building confidence and security with children around 4 years of age?
I have been looking up lots of books but none seem right - many appear to be for babies/toddlers.

I have read Dan Hughes Building the Bonds but feel this extreme case doesn't really fit with us (although PLACE does certainly make sense and I try to use this).

As well as making sure we spend time together playing games, I am making sure we have dedicated mum/LO time at the end of each day....we do cheek to cheek hugs, talking and looking into each others eyes and invisible face painting. I just wondered if there is more I should be doing?!?

LO appears to be settling well....saying I Love you very often....usually at strange times such as when the nice man is measuring LO's feet for new shoes or when I am busy packing shopping in the supermarket....
LO is very affectionate too but I cant help feeling that they are this way mainly because they feel they have to be if that makes sense.
I have noticed that, when we are with close family/friends, LO will drop my hand and go to them instead and gives me a little look to see how I react.

of course, it is early days....we are only a matter of months in.....but any advice or pointers appreciated.

[odyssey2001]

Soft play is fab for bonding. Get in with them for two hours and you will have lots of opportunities for physical contact and trust building.

Remember, you cannot encourage or engineer attachment. Attachment takes time (lots of it), affection, building trust, unconditional love and daily care giving. It takes years. However bonding is different but that too doesn't happen overnight. It has to be on their terms with a little bit of nudging from yourself.

Going to other family members could be a sign of indiscriminate attachment and if you feel it is getting in the way, ask them to redirect your child back to you until further notice. However, unless they are having serious attachment issues, this probably won't make any difference in the long run. It is good that they are looking to you for reassurance before doing it though.

[wanttosinglikemarycoughlan]

Damn, posted and lost
It sounds as though you are doing all the right things but it will take time
There is a good list of short, bonding activities in the theraplay book
Body crayons in the bath could be fun for that age so could lots of bubbles you could make beards with
I found swimming a good activity for bonding. We avoided busy places and found more natural environments such as woods and rivers helped
As well as dedicated time for clapping rhymes and eye contact look for any opportunity to make contact. Brushing imaginary dust off a shoulder, smoothing hair type of thing
Creating your own little rituals would help.with feeling secure

[wanttosinglikemarycoughlan]

Also think much younger and play younger.

[excitedmtb]

Thanks to both of you.....just want to make sure I am doing everything I can to encourage that bonding and attachment.

wanttosinglikemarycoughlan is there a particular theraplay book you would recommend?
Need to keep reminding myself of the think younger/play younger.

Thanks again

[NanaNina]

I think you are doing great excitedmtb - am a retired social worker and so know some of the trials and tribulations (and the joys of course) of adoption! Not sure how long LO has been placed with you but it sounds like he might be in a "honeymoon" phase, which I'm sure they talked about on the prep course. Incidentally what's PLACE?

It's already been mentioned but I think there is always a gap between chronological age and emotional age with children who have suffered negative experiences in the past, and so yes, do let him regress, as far back as seems appropriate. Obviously this has to be done just with you and him or your partner (if you have one) as it is important when he is with peers that he is able to be like the other kids if you see what I mean.

I'm struggling a bit with the concept of building secure attachments and bonding with a child being different? How so?

[odyssey2001]

Quite simply, a bond is the connection you feel for a child relating to attending to their needs whereas a secure attachment is about the emotional bond your child feels for you. You then become more emotionally attached to your child (and eventually feel genuine love for them) as you learn to predict them and read their nonverbal cues. I could be wrong though!

[odyssey2001]

p.s. PLACE is PACE+Love.

Kim Golding and Dan Hughes define it as Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy + Love as being what a hurt child needs to feel safe and secure, and build secure attachments.

[wanttosinglikemarycoughlan]

excited, there is a book called theraplay. Theraplay is a specific therapy but the activities can be carried out at home
If you are a member of AUK you can borrow the book, I borrowed it from our LA and photocopied the back section which has the activities in
This is a useful thread on a support board

adopterssupportuk.freeforums.net/thread/110/intros-essential-reading

IMO the term attachment is bandied around too much. It is a close bond you are looking for. My dd has an insecure attachment due to her early experiences and the neurological development that resulted from her experiences and lack of nurture
We cannot change the brain that has already developed but we can accept her and do the best we can. She has a very firm bond to me but she can be very clingy and will never have the secure attachment that a child without her experiences would have

[NanaNina]

Sorry odyessy I can't go with your take on bonding and secure attachments. In my view a secure attachment is a pattern that forms (or not) between baby and caregiver (be that mother/father etc) A parent who is attuned to their baby's needs and able to meet those needs in all respects will enable the baby to feel safe, loved and valued and so will show pleasure at the parent and a secure attachment is established between baby and parent.

Incidentally Kim Golding was a clinical psychologist who worked in the same LA as me and she did a lot of work on attachment theory and practice with foster carers and adopters. I held her in the very highest regard as she was not only incredibly knowledgeable but she was able to "get alongside" carers and support them in a way that they found helpful. I'm not surprised that she is now collaborating with Dan Hughes (something of a guru on attachment) and wonder if she is still in the same LA.

wanttosing I don't agree that the term attachment is "bandied about too much" - on the contrary I think it is the single most important issue for foster carers and adopters to understand. I do agree with you however that you cannot alter the pathways in the brain that were formed in your DD as a result of her pre placement experiences (have you read "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt) who deals with this issue at some length in her excellent book.

I'm still struggling to understand why people believe there is a difference between bonding and the making of secure attachments. You might be right that there will never be a secure attachment pattern between you and your DD but it isn't beyond the realms of possibility. Of course I don't know the age of the child nor how long she has been with you, but you say she has a "firm bond" with you - surely that has come about by the fact that you have been able to meet her needs in all respects and she is able to feel safe and loved unconditionally by you - that's not so difference from a secure attachment is it. OK so she is clingy and she may have abandonment issues related to her past but it sounds to me like making a difference between "strong bonding" and "secure attachments" is a matter of semantics.

[wanttosinglikemarycoughlan]

I am not really interested in arguing the toss, I was replying to OP and I did say it was my opinion and remains so
I think attachment is bandied around too much by SW, eg has a secure attachment to fc
It seems to cause confusion between attachment style and attachment/bonding which may lead to feeling of failure if adopters are led to believe they can change the attachment style
I have read that book thanks

[NanaNina]

Sorry I meant to add to the first para above that "conversely a child who is neglected or abused will in all probability grow up with an insecure attachment. Children who show avoidant and ambivalent attachment patterns have learned that there are conditions attached to getting close to their parent. The child showing avoidant attachment patterns experience their parent as rejecting, interfering and controlling. When these children show distress it can annoy or agitate the parent and they can become angry or ignore the child, and the child then learns not to display distress and can become "shut off" and emotionally self contained.

Children with an ambivalent attachment will have experience of a parent who is insensitive, unreliable and inconsistent, and so the child tries to break through the parent's emotional neglect and they can become angry or sometimes clingy and whiney.

Children who are brought up in an extremely abusive environment (maybe parents are severely mentally ill, drug or alcohol abusers and there may be domestic violence) will form a disorganised attachment, which means that they "freeze" either physically or emotionally. I have actually seen this happen in a 4 month baby, and the term used is "frozen awareness or frozen watchfulness" - this baby was living with a mother with learning difficulties and an abusive step father and even at that young age, she lay completely still in her pram and kept as quiet as possible so as not to attract attention. It is a very chilling site and I've never forgotten it even though it happened very early on in my social work career.

[odyssey2001]

NanaNina I completely agree with your first paragraph and you have described what I feel to be an attachment. I think what I see as a distinction born out of my experience as an adoptive parent nothing more. I know that for the first few months I felt a bond with my child but at times it almost felt superficial. I felt this was reciprocated by him and that even though he expected me to be there each morning, expected me to feed him, let me read stories etc (all the normal parenting stuff), there was something missing. That didn't change overnight - it took months for this "complete" feeling to creep in.

I think it is hard for adopters to describe what we are feeling and to put into words what it actually is. I have spoken to other adopters and they have felt the same.

In regards to "attachment" being overused, our social worker was talking about a good attachment in only the first week of placement and it didn't feel right. I'm sorry I can't describe it better but I know in my heart what we had in those first few months was very different to what we have now. That is why I am distinguishing between a bond and a secure attachment.

[NanaNina]

I understand your point odyssey and obviously as an adoptive parent you will see things from a different perspective. I absolutely understand that the "complete" feeling can take a long time to creep in - I am not an adoptive parent but I did bring up 2 step children and so understand how the superficial feeling changes over time into something much deeper, more complete as you say.

To be honest I don't think a lot of social workers understand attachment theory - I was always having to protest at the way they were using it - as in "I'm attached to these old slippers" if that makes sense.

Anyway very happy for you that things have worked out well, regardless of what it is called!

[Italiangreyhound]

Congratulations on your little one, excitedmtb.

I am a newbie, our son has been home about 4 months. He is now 4.

excitedmtb I want to second swimming, in the early days we went weekly. LO loves it.

Personally, I think the terms 'bonding' and 'attachment' are used quite inter-changeably on the internet etc but my personal opinion is that 'bonding' is that early feeling of connection we feel with others, like when we make a new group of friends. I cannot say for sure but to me 'bonding' has a feeling of two or more people or things being connected so it 'feels like' it should be two way. But of course it may well be possible for one person to feel they are bonding with someone and the other not. For me that initial bonding leads to attachment.

I believe you can encourage attachment through activities that lead your little one to trust you, such as going swimming together, holding them up in the water, respecting the fact they may not want to be splashed or get their face wet etc. My little one enjoys jumping in (now) but it took many visits for him to feel confident if he threw himself into the pool I would catch him. Last time we went I failed to catch him one time (!!!) and his face went under water for a nano-second, he looked shocked and of course I grabbed him and reassured him and he tried again and I caught him etc. If that had happened on his first attempt he may well have felt I was not 'a safe pair of hands'! Luckily by the time it did happen we had been swimming about 10 times and he had jumped in about 50 times!

We do a lot of hugging and cuddling, of course he is free not to hug and cuddle and in the early days we started with things like a high five, a one-finger high five, blowing kisses and catching them, and making an exaggerated 'mmmmmmm aaaaaaa' sound as we blew the kissed (like society kisses!). Our birth daughter comes in our bed in the mornings so he took has cue from that and he started to come in the bed in the mornings for a cuddle. We have a few words or phrases he has coined which seem to make him feel good, like 'a warm cuddle' or if eating chocolate buttons you could say 'yummy yummy buttons' etc etc and so we use these!

I do hope this helps! I'm just talking about things we do.

I am not sure if this is part of attachment but we have a few set routines for example:

He washes his face and hands after meals
He puts his shoes on the shoe rack at home when he comes in
He has a set order to bed time (vitamin pill, bath, story, bed)
He has a certain chair, dining room chair, side of the sofa etc
He has 'special' cutlery, plate and cups, which we introduced and he decided he MUST have the leaf print place mat!

We do have flexibility to these things and when we went on a short holiday this summer some things changed but we tried to keep some the same.

I have tried to weave certain set phrases into everyday life, one is I say 'How much do I love you?' and we say together 'This much!' and make our arms go really big and wide and then bring them together into a cuddle.

I often say 'I will always love you', and 'I will always be your mummy.'

We have a song we sometimes listen to.

I am pretty sure you are doing many of those things and your own things too.

Over the months he has been home with us we have seen a great development as he has become more comfortable, with us.

In the early days if we told him anything that even sounded remotely like telling off, like 'Your cars are by the stairs, someone could fall over them." He would shout "You're telling me off!" And I would always reply "I am not telling you off, I am just telling you."

Now, when he is naughty I do tell him off and I sometimes shout, but only really when he has got me at the end of my tether or is not listening to me (I am not proud of this, just being honest!). On rare occasions when he gets a punishment it is things like loss of a week's pocket money, loss of TV for a day, loss of sweets after dinner or sometimes he just has to sit next to me quietly for a minute to cool down.

At the start he reacted very crossly to this but now he seems to understand and recently after he had to sit on the floor next to me for a minute he got up and said sorry straight away. Normally, I have to really go on about it to get a sorry out of him. If he were the only child in the family I might not worry so much about discipline but with an almost 10 year old child who is sometimes naughty I do need to make a point that things like hitting, shouting, slamming doors etc are not OK.

We have 6 family rules - the key three ones are the ones I just mentioned, and they are all written on a piece of paper on the fridge door. I mention this because I have heard that clear boundaries/rules (not too many, usually 5 maximum but one of our 6 is a jokey one) can also help with attachment.

Certainly if I imagine myself trying to attach to someone new then knowing what was expected and what was not expected in terms of behaviour would help me!

[Italiangreyhound]

wanttosinglikemarycoughlan the theraplay books looks interesting. I wish you all the very best with your little one.

excitedmtb I hope I have not said too much! I do tend to ramble when I write!

excitedmtb can I just say also,..... I found this short article interesting Bond with your child through crafts

I think this kind of sums up what I think (mostly) Attachment and Bonding in Adoption

I also found this article quite interesting Bonding and Attachment I think I found it interesting because it seems very positive to me that even if there are attachment disorders then it is possible to make that connection. Not because I am concerned about it, for my little one, or for your little one excitedmtb - but just because I liked the idea that with work and time it is possible for people to move forward. Children’s brains continue to grow and although some experiences are incredibly damaging I hope all our little ones can make positive connections, bonds and attachments.

[excitedmtb]

Thanks so much everyone.

wanttosinglike thank you I will try to get my hands on some theraplay books. In the meantime I did manage to find an article online which details lots of activities....will try to attach here. I tried out a few yesterday
They were very well received and we had a lovely time and lovely hugs and kisses afterwards. I was a bit worried as my LO tends to act a lot older than their chronological age. This is why I need to keep reminding myself to 'play younger'.

odyssey I do think SW sometimes use the term attachment and adopters can feel unsure (despite reading as much as possible) what they really mean. We were told LO had attached to FC therefore would easily attach to us. I am not sure there is an 'easy' way to attach but we will keep working on it.

Italian thank you! and congratulations to you too. Never apologise for writing too much....everything you have said makes sense.
We have gone swimming together but have started lessons which I am not in the pool for. I think I will try to fit in a swimming session together again.
Also, felt somewhat relieved to hear that I am not the only one who has shouted. LO for the most part is happy and laughing but we do have days where there is a lot of crying to get their own way and also crying for no real reason. I have shouted....and felt like the worst parent in the world. I am trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that the crying might just be because LO is feeling a bit mixed up or confused....so yes....I think family rules and boundaries are essential to avoid that confusion.

Thanks again all

[Italiangreyhound]

Phew! I thought by mentioning that I shout people might thin i am awful! But sometimes the noise and agitation level just gets so high and he cries for next to no reason. I have tried finding out why but sometimes he does not know. I have tried phrases like 'use your words' but when he does not knwo why he is crying it must be hard. I need to find a way for him to describe how he is feeling without actually knowing why!

When I did the Family Links Nurturing course www.familylinks.org.uk/The-Nurturing-Programme

Which comes iwth The Parenting Puzzle book www.familylinks.org.uk/shop/schools-shop/the-parenting-puzzle

With my dd (birth child) who was 7 or 8 at the time, they suggested having a box of touchy feely things and asking child to describe things and to use words connected to the things. For example a Brill pad (rough), something spikey/prickly (but obviously not dangerous), something smooth, cotton wool etc etc. So a child might feel they feel 'prickly' meaning unhappy upset, etc, they do not know why but by showing the prickly object or talking about feeling feelings using words they have learnt from looking at the object. I was going to assemble the objects from super market or even charity shops etc or natural things, e.g. pine cones, Brilllo pads, cotton wool balls, silky cloth, fluffy toy, spiked hedgehog ornament, etc.

But my dd was always quite vocal so it never seemed necessary but with ds I think it might be.

[fasparent]

Attachment's is inclusive too all children, can be very complexed for some'
Baby's 0 to 6 months , deprived of natural maternal bonding some may experience post traumatic stress leading too attachment problems later in life for example, Have had children with as many as 50 or more moves and placement's in their young life's. Attachment problems for some only experienced in adulthood. Each will have different needs exploring what strategy works for the individual child afraid there are no solutions , just
acquiring the skill's through sharing experiences and knowledge as you are all doing here

[excitedmtb]

A quick update....have managed to get myself signed up for an attachment course so will see how that goes.

Also, been using some of the Theraplay activities since Saturday and little one somehow seems more settled this week. Of course....that could be absolutely nothing to do with the activities and just that LO is having a good week!!

But, felt we had a lovely breakthrough moment today. LO came over for a hug....normally we hug and LO is itching to get away straight afterwards or pulling at my face and demanding that we do do/play etc... but today LO sat on my lap for a hug and just stayed there. Eventually fell asleep and although I try not to do naps during the day, I just let it happen. It gave me some hope that LO is starting to feel a little more connected/bonded/attached or whatever. I do know we have a long road ahead of us.....but it was just so nice (apologies....gushy emotional totally head over heels in love with LO moment!!)

The address to the Theraplay activities document is below if anyone is interested:

//www.connectedchild.info/Theraplay_games.docx

[Italiangreyhound]

Brilliant.