Hello,
This is my first post, so please go easy on me. 
For those of you who have started talking to your children about their adoption, how have you managed to get the balance right between making your child feel proud of themselves, but at the same time telling them in a sensitive way not to blurt out this info to everyone they happen to meet?
Of course, there is nothing for them to be ashamed of, but they obviously need to be at an age when they can make an informed decision on who they want to share this with, in the same way you wouldn't reveal personal (non-adoption related) matters to everyone you know.
I would be grateful for any words of wisdom or tips on how to word this. I ask this as a mother of a pre-schooler who has only revealed our adoption to family and certain friends.
Thanks.
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
SOS! Help on trying to get the balance right
kalimotxo1977 · 03/09/2014 01:34
redfish, our LO doesn't know anything of that nature about his past. so, no risk of that for us.... yet 
@ drCarolineTodd - that's a good idea even for non-adoption related matters! so, thanks for the tip!
@italiangreyhound - my son is 4 (soon to be 5) and has been with us for over 2 years. is that nice phrase you have copyrighted? I think I will have to steal it!!! and the "privilege" you mention is the essence of what I was trying to say in the OP, but is not as well articulated.
@excited mtb - I would say - have that chat sooner rather than later! or you might find that even the school caretaker knows about it 
all our son knows at the mo is that he has a tummy mummy, another lady looked after him for a while [his FC], that he came home at 2 and that he is adopted even though he (understandably) doesn't fully understand what that means.
AD1 was 8 when placed with her younger sister AD2 who was 2.5
AD1 said she wasn't going to tell her new school mates until she knew them really well. I think that was on day 3 of school. 
For her we talked about how being adopted wasn't shameful or secret, but that the details of why were private. We gave her words to use if inappropriate questions were asked (though she tended to go with the more blunt 'mind your own business'). AD1 did have a tendency to talk about 'my foster carers' etc. We guided her into where relevant saying 'friends of the family' instead when chatting with general people. We had to revisit this when she started secondary as her adoption was clearly passed on by old friends to new ones who then came up and asked her about it. She got a bit upset about that, but we explained it was how people get to know each other (this is John, he plays the cello; this is Suzy, she broke her leg in y6; this is Tom, he's adopted).
AD2 was effectively pre-verbal. We have brought her up 'knowing' she is adopted and have added in reasons to her level of understanding. We have never had any issues with her blurting out private details to all and sundry. Again now older she has had to deal with questions from school mates and we have guided her in how to answer. Schoolmates have also asked things like 'why were you abandoned?' (she wasn't) which have prompted further discussions at home. (She's 10 now).
We have never tried to keep the girls actual being adopted secret. For me it kind of comes up in conversation occasionally, when I would feel more awkward not mentioning it iyswim. I couldn't be friends with someone and them not know. I assume that most of DD2's classmates' parents are aware, and probably quite a lot of others too.
hth
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