My DDs are referring to their birth parents as their 'real' parents. Is my reaction the right one?

[Issy]

About nine months ago DD1 (13 now, adopted at 4 months old) was arguing with me and told me that I didn't understand her because I wasn't her 'real mother'. She clearly felt that she had detonated a nuclear weapon and was rather shocked and awed by what she had done. I laughed, told her that I'd been waiting for her to say that for 12 years, that I probably would understand her better if I had undergone more grunting and blood when she was born (DD1 is an arbiter of irony) and that as far as I was concerned she was my real daughter. DD1 laughed too and the nuclear weapon was defused.

Both DDs have made it a point in the last few months to refer to their birth parents as their 'real parents'. I tend to smile and shrug and just say that they both seem very real daughters to me. They are both strongly attached, thriving children and I think they are using this to test and re-test my reaction.

Of course there is a little jab of pain every time they say it, even if DD2 (11, adopted at 12 months old) happens to be snuggled in my arms when she does so. However, I think for now I should let it go as this is probably about checking that their world is secure. At some point later, I may ask them to stop doing it as it hurts my feelings.

What do you think? Should I be handling this differently?

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

I know nothing compared to you :) but is their world less secure if you ask them about it? Or say 'I find that a bit hurtful because in every sense of being 'real' I feel like your real mummy'?

Genuine question :)

[motherinferior]

I think you are doing (a) the right thing (b) the honest thing.

It is a flashpoint age, 13 - and I am sure most girls would pull that one out of the armoury if they could.

It must be hard and I know bog-all about it but yes, I reckon you are doing the best thing/s.

[mummytime]

Maybe at a safe calm moment (hard to find with children this age), you could just tell them that you feel a bit hurt when they say you are not their "real" mum. They could call her their "birth" mum instead. But be prepared to discuss.

Also if they do try to hurt you I would say that makes you very much the "real" mum, as teenage DC can be a bit like that anyway; especially DDs to their Mums. Its tough - but part of life.

[Issy]

Thank you both (lovely to see you MI!!). MI: Frankly, if this is the worst stunt that DD1 pulls in her teenage years I will consider myself beyond lucky!

Namechanges: I think you're probably right that it wouldn't make their world less secure, provided I was very calm and low-key about it. It may of course just die away.

Really interested to know if other APs have experienced this.

[HolidayCriminal]

I don't see how you could handle it better.
I wonder if firm understatement is how I would reply. So they say "real", I'd say "bio" in return. Giving them the autonomy to decide for themselves, and showing them another way to think about those parents but without making any of it into a conflict or value judgement. Still parents, but different roles.

[DurhamDurham]

I have two teen girls and 13 years old was the worst for both of them. They are lovely now, but during their 13 year they said horrible things to me.....they wished I wasn't their mum, they wished they had been adopted.
They didn't mean it of course and were soon sorry and snuggled up with me on the sofa. I think at that age they are just a huge tangle of emotions and hormones and they blurt out the most awful things because they don't know how to handle their feelings.

I think you are handling it very well, you are their rock and they know it

[Devora]

[waves to MI]

Issy, my dd isn't at that age yet, but I too am waiting for the day this gets thrown in my face. What adopted teenager could resist it? I think you handled it perfectly.

I would be inclined not to tell them it hurts your feelings at this stage, because they're testing its emotional impact and by saying it hurts you could be both giving them a weapon and simultaneously making them responsible for your feelings over the adoption. I wouldn't rule out sitting it down and talking through it honestly later, as you suggest, but I certainly wouldn't do it at this point. They need to know that, whatever they throw at you, you are calm and in control and still their mum.

[Issy]

Sorry Mummytime - cross posted. Exactly - sadly it's probably my job to be rock solid about this stuff so that they can emotionally ping around as teenagers.

[mummytime]

My bio DDs have often screamed they wanted to be "adopted" "fostered" etc. Its tough but hard.

At 15 my eldest now tells her younger sister the harsh realities of life; and has several friends in care. Those who adopted are really lucky.

[NanaNina]

I'm with Devora on this one. I think you handled it perfectly.

[Majunga]

I think u r handling it the best you can although it is a test of your endurance but this is the time to show them that your love for them is unconditional as they are going through the turmoil of knowing the truth. So just be the "mother" that you have always been to them and they will soon realise that it is not just giving birth that makes somebody a mother. You have done a marvellous job till now. So be positive .

[HappySunflower]

Hi Issy!

I too think you've handled it brilliantly. I reckon they are looking for a reaction from you, and, as you've said, testing the secure base that they have in you.

My daughter is a lot younger than both of yours but she did it recently. I'd said no to something really important (another episode of Peppa sodding Pig if my memory serves me correctly) and after the normal strop she looked me straight in the eye and said 'I want my Tummy lady!'
I was so shocked that I couldn't actually think of what to say, so I said I was going to get a drink and asked if she wanted one.
She hasn't said it again since. But I know she will.....

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Sounds like keeping it low key is right and Devora's point about it not being about your feelings is right.

I just wonder if they need you to claim them Iyswim? Whether laughing it off might not be saying it's not important which it is?

[adoptmama]

DD1 (7) normally refers to BM as her real mum. She has told me quite clearly I am not her real mum although I am her real mum. She is simply expressing her confusion and feelings. I don't think it is up to me to tell her not to call BM 'real'. She is even though DD hasn't seen her since day 1.

The fact it was first expressed during a time of raw emotion & stress suggests it has been in there, buried for a while and waiting to emerge. Which it is now doing. The fact your DD2 feels safe enough to say it whilst snuggled in your arms is a positive. Like Devora I would say not to tell them not to call her this, because if they start censoring their thoughts and feelings over what to call their BM for fear of hurting you, they may well also stop telling you other stuff they are thinking and feeling.

When DD calls BM her real mum (other times she uses her first name) it is generally a signal to me that there are issues percolating we need to untangle. She is real and there is a powerful connection I cannot understand. I try my best to 'reflect back' what she says to let her know I am listening and to help her continue to work things through.

For what it is worth your kids sound like they trust you a lot and feel very attached, so you must be doing it right :)

[Angelwings11]

What an interesting thread. My AD is 2 and this has helped me to prepare what I would say or how I could respond in the future. adoptmama, what an interesting post! I very much hope that I can think like this when this comment arises.....maybe it is best to start thinking like this now!

[KristinaM]

Hi Issy, good to see you, I didn't know you were still around. Have you been lurking of just popped in to see us all?

I have nothing to add to all the good advice you have here, especially from Devora. I suspect they ARE doing it to be hurtful, and also to try to assert their right not to do as you say. part of the whole identity seeking /authority testing thing that teenagers do.

Combined with the bitchy teenaged girl thing, where they try to be as obnoxious as possible to their mothers. Do you have lip curling, sneering, eye rolling, hair flicking and door slamming as well?

[Kewcumber]

If its any consolation Issy - DS (so far) wouldn't feel anything like secure enough to throw the "you're not my real mum" thing inot the mix. Although he knows I love and adore him - he does have a deep seated insecurity that he is somehow not quite enough.

If he felt secure enough to enrage me with not being "real" I think I would actually have a little internal cheer!

You can't really win can you!

Can you suggest if you aren't their "real" mother that you will be either their "unreal" mother or possible more satisfyingly their slightly "surreal" mother?

[LastingLight]

"I may not be your first mom but I am your mom and I'm very, very real." I heard about a mom who used this response and thought it was brilliant so I saved it up for the day we hit the real mom issue... my dd didn't buy it but maybe yours will!

[Morgause]

An old school friend referred to her birth mother as her "real" mother and referred to her mother as her mother. I think that shows that she knew who her "proper" mother was. The word real can seem very emotive to adoptive parents but not always to the children.

[Pedent]

It sounds like you've handled it really well so far. For what it's worth:

My father died before I was 1, and at 13 I was living with my mum and her new partner. I was very clear in my mind that her new partner wasn't my dad, but that was all about not denying the existence of my father, and nothing at all to do with denying my current relationship with my mum's new partner.

I also called my mum by her Christian name, rather than "mum". Again, that had nothing to do with denying her role in my life. I could have called her "mum", but just didn't.

I had a biological understanding of the words "mum" and "dad", but was far more interested in who was caring for me, so was comfortable detaching those biological terms from my carers, even in the case of my mum when the term would have applied.

I guess where I'm going with this is that relationships are what they are, and then we clumsily apply vague and ambiguous labels to them, and we all do that in slightly different ways. If you can, I'd probably try not to get too hung up on which words your daughters use and how, as long as they understand and accept your role in their life. You say they're strongly attached; as long as they know that you're strongly attached too, isn't the rest just semantics?

[Issy]

Thank you all for your comments here and 'hello' to Kristina and Kewcumber - I have done a little lurking recently but for the most part haven't been grappling with adoption issues, just standard parent issues.

As with most things in adoption, I think this is nuanced. I'm sure that part of it is about trying to hurt me, to provoke a reaction, to test the boundaries, but I also think it's about wanting to experiment with and articulate the ambiguity of birth mother/adoptive mother/mother and to use the language used by the rest of the world which generally refers to 'real' or 'natural' parents.

I'd forgotten about the phrase 'first mother' and I really like that. DD1's birth mother really was her 'first mother' in every sense as she cared for her with enormous love and skill until she was relinquished.

I'll try to stick around now! Our next looming issue is transition to senior school. DD1 who is ultra-secure managed that with seeming ease, but DD2 struggles with transitions, separation, unfamiliar people, unfamiliar places and self-organisation and has been in the same tiny (less than 20 children per year group), nurturing school since Reception. Gulp!

[Kewcumber]

Your DD2 sounds very like DS Issy!

[OneTwoOrThree]

Hi... To introduce myself, I'm in my 30s, with two young (birth) children, but was adoptee myself as a very young baby (as was my brother). I very clearly remember him flinging the same words... To which he got a response about the job of a real mum being about bringing up and looking after a child. Probably not totally PC these days, but makes the right point.

[Cezella]

Just looking at this from a different angle- I'm not adopted but haven't lived with my father or seen much of him at all since I was five. My stepdad has raised me since then- however I still refer to my biological father as my "real dad" and it's certainly not to cause any kind of upset to my stepdad at all- he's way way more of a dad to me! I think it just stems from when I was a child and had a more literal view of one being my "real" actual father and the other being my stepdad (but way more of a loving daddy than the other ever would/will be)