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If you knew then what you know now, would you still do it?

51 replies

MrsBW · 07/08/2013 18:12

We are coming up on panel day and, although I'm not having second thoughts, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself the best I can for what may be ahead.

I feel so positive about adoption, but when everyone says 'you're so brave' or, when looking at forums I see the issues people have, I wonder if, rather than being positive, I'm actually being naive.

About the only thing I can see is that (in common with all parents) you just can't prepared yourself.

So... I ask you experienced adopters.

Bottom line... If you'd known then what you know now, would you have still done it?

OP posts:
IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 07/08/2013 18:19

I am not an adopter myself but a very close family member is. I KNOW their answer simply because they did it again.

I think it is different for everyone because every child is different. Every circumstance is different. That is not to say you should not be prepared for a challenge but everything worth having is!

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 07/08/2013 18:19

Oh and good luck with panel

Ragwort · 07/08/2013 18:25

I think the fact that you are having these serious considerations is a good sign, you are not going into it with a happy go lucky attitude of 'I am going to give a child a good home'. You have obviously thought very, very carefully about it and are preparing yourself for the many challenges you will face (as all parents do to a certain extent).

Sadly I know a couple of adoptions that have not gone very well, one in particular actually broke down completely however I do think some small part was due to the naivity of the adoptive parents, thinking that it would be 'a bed of roses'.

So you are right to think it through, but also do be sure you get lots of post-adoption support, that is something that is not always forthcoming.

Good luck Smile.

Lilka · 07/08/2013 18:48

I'm sure some of my threads and posts are worrying to read in terms of the issues we have

but Bottom line


Emphatically Yes

(which is why I have 3 not 1!)

Lilka · 07/08/2013 18:55

Because the bottom line is - I love my children more than my own life, and they love me too. Living with them is challenging (sometimes very challenging indeed), but the good moments and days and the feeling of being a family and being loved as a mum and celebrating the progress they all make, is the most wonderful thing in the world, especially when they follow a hard period.

Also, bottom line is my childrens lives have been transformed by adoption and having a family (also by other things, such as therapy and education etc). But having a 'forever mum' and a safe home and permanency has made a big difference for them - ask DD1 about the difference adoption has made to her life, she'd tell you it's one of the best things that has happened in her life, second to her own child (soon to be children!) who is the best thing that has ever happened in her life! (Just like me then!)

ColdfeetPinksocks · 07/08/2013 19:23

I've just been approved and have had similar thoughts. I bet other soon-to-be-parents do too, only there's nothing they can do about it by the time their new arrivals are imminent.

And Lilka, thank you. You take the scary away. :)

Devora · 07/08/2013 19:23


(And I had serious cold feet before and after both approval and matching.)

Happiestinwellybobs · 07/08/2013 19:58

Yes, emphatically and absolutely yes. We are still relatively new adopters as DD has been with us for 16 months and is still only 26mo old. I haven't yet been through any "issues" yet that specifically relate to her adoption. Our issues are that she is an independant two year old who knows her own mind Grin.

I found the first months very hard adjusting to being a mum, but she has brought joy and contentment to our lives. I cannot imagine life without her. Every single day I say a little thank you that she is with us.

loflo · 07/08/2013 21:40

Definitely although in the very early days of placement you might have got a different answer!

Now I tend not to think about DS as being adopted - he's just my lovely boy Smile

allthingswillpass · 07/08/2013 22:00

If you'd asked me that a 6 weeks ago, the answer would have been NO!
4 weeks into placement, the answer is YES!!!! the process is crap but you can't be blinkered about adopting.
Read everything, Scare yourself and be really realistic about what you can manage.
We are parents now Grin a life long commitment and responsibility and we would not change a thing. Grin
He's our baby and I thank his BM daily for producing such a gorgeous, wonderful child and his FC for loving him so much.

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 07/08/2013 22:07

Another new adopter here and my answer is also yes.

We are lucky enough to be adopting the lo we fostered so have had him all of his life. I would say we sailed through the 1st year but we are at a bit of a challenging time at the moment. Even though we collapse into bed soon after lo has settled we wouldn't change a thing....well maybe we would change his bedtime to be earlier :)

The rewards far outweigh the hard times and seeing his beautiful, smiling face when he sits up in his cot early in the morning is the best thing in the world.

MrsBW · 07/08/2013 22:47

Thank you so much everyone.

Sounds like you all know where I'm coming from... It's easy to think you can deal with something 'on paper' but I know the reality is going to be so different... Just freaking out a little that I'm thinking I can deal with things that I won't be able to (even though we're being pretty restrictive on what we have said we will deal with)...

Hope that all makes sense! Thanks so much for your replies!! Thanks

OP posts:
KristinaM · 08/08/2013 15:22

No and yes

Two different adoptions

PheasantPlucker · 08/08/2013 17:50

Oh yes

2old2beamum · 08/08/2013 21:11

We have adopted 8 all with special needs and yes it has been hard but would give my life for them as I would give to my "home growns"

Good luck

AnxiousAugusta · 08/08/2013 21:34

Freaking out -perfectly normal.
People say we were brave to adopt but it's our DD who is the brave one; facing life's challenges full on with sweetness and good humour.
She really is the best thing that every happened to us.
Or to just answer your question - yes Smile

Piffyonarock · 09/08/2013 23:12

Yes, we've done it twice. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I've never regretted adopting for a minute, I love my two so much. It can be hard, but so can having birth children. Good luck! Smile

YouAreMyRain · 09/08/2013 23:22

I would do it again but with hindsight, not with my stbxh. He was not up to it. We have separated and it is hard being a lone parent with two adopted DDs.

With the right partner/DH I would do it over and over again and have more.

MrsBW · 10/08/2013 10:00

Thank you.

For those who said 'no' or had caveats to their 'yeses' can I ask what specifically made it so hard to lead you to give that answer?

I realise it's a very personal thing, so not expecting replies TBH... But if anyone felt able to I'd really appreciate it.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 10/08/2013 11:46

I have a thread on here called something like "struggling at the moment" can't link as I'm on my phone. It should give you plenty of background. If you want to know anymore, please pm me. Good luck for panel x

Hayleyh34 · 10/08/2013 22:24

Yes. But it is so much harder than I thought it would be. I wish I hadn't dismissed the tough stories during the training period as scaremongering.

But I can't and don't want to imagine life without her

Hayleyh34 · 10/08/2013 22:25

Oh and we turned down the chance to do it again

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2013 09:38

MrsBM not there yet, also going to panel, had my cold feet a few weeks ago and so just wanted to hand hold with you. All the best.

cedar12 · 11/08/2013 20:56

Yes, cant imagine life without him.

holycowwhatnow · 11/08/2013 23:12

Yes, but to be fair it's been very easy so far - dd is nearly 3. But we both had serious collywobbles before she came. She's from Russia and we were expecting (still do, just figure it'll be milder than we thought) Foetal Alcohol Effects but so far there hasn't been any problems. Children of friends who were adopted from Russia do have issues so down the road she may encounter difficulties.

It's good that you're thinking this way though - you may be surprised at how well things go but if things are a little bumpy, at least you're mentally preparing yourself now. Best of luck.

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