Struggling at the moment

[YouAreMyRain]

This will be long so I apologise. (I have name changed for this, if anyone recognises me, I would prefer not to be "outed" or linked to my usual nn.)

I have 2 Adopted DDs, they are half siblings. DD1 came home at 2.4 and DD1 came home 14 months later at 1.7

DD1 was placed 5yrs ago and is now 7yo. Her behaviour has always been challenging, she is very anxious and aggressive. Very insecure emotionally, very low self esteem.

I separated from my H 16 months ago, he was not coping well with fatherhood, his behaviours were abusive and SS were involved after one incident.

Since then I have been a single parent. A couple of months after STBXH moved out, I was suddenly hospitalised with a critical illness for 10 days. This separation was traumatic for DDs, esp DD1 who thought that I had died, despite being reassured to the contrary. STBXH refused to bring them to visit me in hospital, which didn't help.

Seven months ago DD1's behaviour escalated, I got her referred to CAMHS, before we were seen, it got to the point where I found her trying to jump out of an upstairs window to kill herself because she had people in her head telling her that she was stupid.

We got seen urgently and they are currently still involved. They decided that because her issues are connected to attachment and loss, that establishing a therapeutic relationship with her that then came to an end, would be upsetting and counter productive. So I have regular meetings with a CAMHS psychotherapist who has met her once, so that her issues can be worked with through her primary attachment with me.

The problem is that there seems very little improvement in her behaviour. She is very defiant, rude, violent, dishonest, angry etc. She still hates herself and wants to kill herself. She "knows" that I don't love her and she says that she wants to kill me, her sister etc

According to experts/professionals, I am doing everything right and handling her really well and they are very impressed with the therapeutic parenting that I am doing and how I am using "PACE" etc.

But it's so hard.

She is also soiling herself repeatedly, including at the dinner table.

Basically it feels like parenting her is a five person job but there is only me doing it. I just give and give and give and give and she constantly kicks me in the teeth. I don't blame her, I know she can't help it but I am exhausted with it all.

The status quo is shit and just maintaining that everyday is totally draining. I feel completely burnt out. Last night, for the first time, I felt like its all too much for me and that the placement may breakdown.

Post-adoption support have been useless. They offered me a handful of visits with a random SW. I asked for the SW who worked with us for 3yrs and who knows us inside out but that's not an option. I can't see how a strange SW visiting a few times will help at all, whenever I ring for advice they tell me to ask CAMHS what to do, CAMHS tell me to ask post adoption support.

I am currently pregnant with my new partner (we don't live together) after 12 yrs of infertility with my STBXH. I know that this has unsettled her but it feels like it is only going to get worse when the baby is born.

She say that she knows I will love the baby more than her and she wants to kill the baby etc, I don't react or take any of this at face value because I know that she is traumatised and hurting.

I don't want this placement to break down but I have nothing left to give

[Lilka]

Also - I hope things are okay at home today x

[Italiangreyhound]

How are things going, any news? Thinking of you Rain.

[Ledkr]

Your local authority have an obligation to you to provide support.
Have you heard of safe base training which is run by CCS?
My adopters have found this invaluable and so far have all found it useful.
Some authorities are buying this in for their adopters.
It's been part funded by the Timpson foundation.
Dan Hughs is running a training day in November in Birmingham in November and its sixty pounds if you book now.
Not sure if that's helpful but I really feel for you.

[Bananaketchup]

YouAreMyRain I am thinking of you. To me, CAMHS saying that 'because her issues are connected to attachment and loss, that establishing a therapeutic relationship with her that then came to an end, would be upsetting and counter productive' is a copout. Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn and I know some great theraplay attachment building stuff can be done with parent and child but really from what you are describing this is not where your DD's needs are at. As Lilka says, you are not her therapist.

Is there any mileage do you think in turning what CAMHS have said on it's head and arguing that on the contrary, a therapist working with DD and building a relationship with her which will end in a planned positive way is exactly what she needs, so she can experience that people care for her but that some relationships end, and will give her a safe way to re-experience that adults in her past - BPs, FCs, SW whoever - have cared about her even though their relationships have ended? Because from what you've described it seems like your DD needs some proper input, not this Chinese whispers therapy via you which isn't helping and is putting much too much pressure on you. All the best.

[Piffyonarock]

Are you OK Rain? I'm really and for you.

I think you'll have to keep at it with PAS, they can't just leave you high and dry like that, I think they can fund anything if they can find some budget and it would be cheaper than the alternative of placement breakdown.

Lilka has loads of good suggestions. Another one that occurred to me is whether there are any charities you could approach to fund respite? I'm not sure how you'd find out, might take a bit of digging. The Homestart suggestion from earlier in the thread might be important too. Your whole family needs support so don't just stick to adoption related resources.

It shouldn't be this hard should it. Might be another virtual night!

Ledkr, have you any advice about what level of support the LA are obliged to provide? It seems to me that Rain has basically been brushed off, and yet her family are heading for a crisis.

[yamsareyammy]

Are there any charities in your area that could maybe help with respite?
NCH? Sorry, cant remember their new name.

[Ledkr]

I am not back in work until Monday but will defo find out for sure. I'm quite new to as but I do know that we never refuse support to a family in crisis.
We don't offer respite though.
We have a team called "diversion from care" which step in at breaking point and can offer intensive support.
Did you check about any other relevant teams.
What authority approved you rain?

[YouAreMyRain]

I spoke to DDs headteacher this morning (to get her to authorise an absence for DD1 next week, my sister, 3hrs drive away, is going to have her for a couple of days.) The Head is great (and has an adopted nephew which helps!) and is going to research what support we can access through their extended schools programme.

Our LA is Birmingham. They might be able to signpost me somewhere for help!?! I am thinking of contacting my MP.

I am really pissed off

[YouAreMyRain]

On a more positive note, CAMHS may be considering DDP for her. Don't want to get my hopes up though.

The Dan Hughes thing in November looks interesting but I am due on the 29th of Nov so I will have to think about it.

[Lilka]

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy? DD2 had DDP (with me) and also recieved EMDR therapy after that (she's diagnosed with Complex PTSD)

The therapy helped us :) Nothing worked miracles, but I still saw progress. It would be great if CAMHS would be willing to DDP, I completely understand what you mean about not getting your hopes up though. All fingers crossed

You have every right to be pissed off - they are trying to cop out when you really need help. They are wrong, you are right. Keep that (privately) in mind when dealing with them

[evelynj]

No practical help from here - just another one thinking of you & please keep up with the wonderful advice & support the other posters are offering here & take your strength to keep battling where you can.

Really hope things improve soon x

[Devora]

I am furious for you. Contact your MP? Hell, yes. I'd be contacting Michael Gove, telling him that it'll all very well facilitating easier and earlier adoption, but if he can't sort out post-adoption support the system will never be fit for purpose.

[Piffyonarock]

I was thinking about your MP, and also your Lead Member for Children's Services on your council. And chuffing Michael Gove! Although you might need a PA for all this contacting you'll be doing! Signposting, I ask you .

Perhaps if PAS do the visits the SW might get a better grasp of how dire your situation is?

Fingers crossed that CAMHS comes through. Good on your sister and the Head Teacher.

You might want to try Barnardos to see if they can assist you, they do various programmes re parenting, mental health etc but I don't know if they can help individually. They might be worth a punt, it occurred to me that my brother is a foster carer for them and I wonder if the mum of one of his respite children might have gone through Barnardos to access this rather than her LA.

Look after yourself, take it one day at a time .

[Italiangreyhound]

Rain you are so right to be angry.

Try and carve out a bit of time for yourself and peace.

Hope you are eating well and sleeping well, as well as you can.

Thinking of you.

[YouAreMyRain]

PAS are a POS PITA. They suggested I contact the area SWs and ask them for respite. I'm not sure that is the right way forward as although it would give me a break, I think it would probably make DD1 more insecure and make things worse.

The SW I am in contact with at PAS keeps ringing me to tell me that she is concerned about us but there's nothing they can do. She keeps telling me how much worse it could get when the baby arrives and how concerned she is that DD1 is saying that she will kill the baby. Helpful?

[Kewcumber]

Have you thought of saying that DD has taken to saying she will kill the SW? Might have more effect.

[Piffyonarock]

Have you explained that you wanted to speak to a Social Worker, not the professional hand wringer? FGS. You must feel like you're banging your head on a wall.

Instead of phoning you to tell you what you've already told them, could they come out to you and help to make workable plan of action to get a tailored support package in place for the family with whichever services/agencies are needed? I think the idea is that you have a lead professional who co-ordinates things and a "team-around-the-child" or in your case around the family.

How are you doing in yourself? Have you got the energy to have a battle or had you better have a rest and look after yourself tomorrow and regroup for Monday?

Thinking of you.

[YouAreMyRain]

Good idea kew!

Not feeling too bad at the moment, there is some light at the end of this weeks tunnel - STBXH has got both DDs this weekend so I will be able to relax and recharge. Only 19hrs to go...

[Lilka]

That's good Rain enjoy your break and do some things for you

PAS sound bloody awful I agree with Piffy, try and get a meeting in person and insist on a plan. If respite is something you can't get, what else do you think might help you?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi Rain, what does STBXH stand for (I am guessing but not sure!).

I think someone before suggested making a list of what you want and then asking speciffically for what would help. Have you tried that? I am sure you have but I wanted to ask. If they are talking respite and you think that will only make things worse should you say that, and then say OK if you have funds for respite, which I don't want and which I don't think will help my DD (the key person in all this, which social services seem to have totally forgotten) but if you have funds for that can you move those funds into what would really help which is.....

Sorry if that is too obvious and you've already tried it.

Who else can you try?

Is there any department for this type of extream behaviour.

Did you look into the charity I mentioned

www.papyrus-uk.org/

What else can you say to social services to make them act?

Go to an MP, go to the press?? I know that sounds harsh and I would not want to get you into trouble with Social services but it sounds like they are saying they can't do anything. They are worried that things will be worse once your baby arrives and yet they can offer nothing! That sounds negligent to me.

Must add a caveat that I know nothing about adoption services as am not yet an adopter but I just feel for you in your situation and feel very angry on your behalf. [cross]. Please do keep us posted and I really really hope that someone will come up with something.

[Italiangreyhound]

PS You said "The SW I am in contact with at PAS keeps ringing me to tell me that she is concerned about us but there's nothing they can do. She keeps telling me how much worse it could get when the baby arrives and how concerned she is that DD1 is saying that she will kill the baby."

When she says that what do you say? Can she not recommend someone else to speak to? Does she feel by making these comments that she is absenting herself from any responsibility if things go horribly wrong.

Is it maybe time to start talking responsibility? If your DD does hurt herself or someone else who will be responsible for negligence in this situation?

Can you keep a record of all your calls to PAS and others in this and then when speak to someone say I am keeping a record of how I am being past from pillar to post and how no one is helping me or my DD and how no one is talking repsonsibility. If there is some sort of incident involving my DD I will be passing on this catologue of neglect? Does that sound too harsh? What is the worst they can do? Can they take DD away from you? If you are really feeling like things could break down then I think you need to tell them that is how you are feeling. Maybe mull over all your options this weekend and have some recharge your batteries time and then decide on a plan of action.

There is a saying, when in doubt, shout! Plus it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. If you make enough fuss you may get noticed! If you are really desperate maybe this will be best, just to keep calling them and recording how many people pass you from pillar to post.

I am not an adopter so if this crap advice other people? I really don't want to pass on crap advice so hope Rain is wise enough to ignore me if I am talking rubblish!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Sorry, I don't really have much useful to say except one way to escalate the issue is to raise it higher and higher up the chain. Eg write to the council member in charge of children's services.

I hope you get the help and support you need soon

[YouAreMyRain]

The thing that I really want is some therapy that is focussed on my daughter. I am doing everything I can and the feedback from everyone is that I am a very effective therapeutic parent, clearly that is not enough.

If PAS had a system for adoption respite I would be more likely to give it a go as I would assume that there would be some kind of process such as getting to know the respite carers first and always ensuring the same carers.

General respite would presumably mean my DD1 being bundled off to some random strangers which would be terrible. I guess I need to find out more about it as I am assuming that it would not be suitable.

School have suggested a referral to the community paediatrician to look at things from a health perspective. I will give it a go as its something I haven't yet explored.

Thanks everyone for your input x

[Piffyonarock]

Glad you've all got a break this weekend. Try to switch off from it all, if only for short bursts if you can and give your mind a rest. Maybe your DP could help you with a bit of light research about DLA, charities etc.

Have another and then you can legitimately tell SS that all this is turning you into a virtual alcoholic

[YouAreMyRain]

STBXH = soon to be ex husband.

I will shout and chase it up the chain, definitely.