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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Intro's day 1

98 replies

funnychic · 24/01/2013 19:51

Met my dd today, she is totally AMAZING!! she is very petite but gorgeous, she is clever, funny and just quite lovely. She weighed me up for a few minutes but then wanted to see what was in the gift bag, pepper pig phone and some bubbles plus the transitional soft toy that was in the photo book.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I shall become a baby bore and tell you all about day 2!!

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Ladyofthehouse · 26/01/2013 20:37

We had to spend the first few days in the FC's house and it brought me to tears. The girls were so bored and we were too (and she definitely didn't make herself scarce!!). It's so hard isn't it? But you will get through it and it will be Thursday before you know it.

Do you have a rest day?

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Devora · 26/01/2013 20:48

I've grumbled enough on these threads about how horrendous I found introductions. One of the worst weeks ever. But the outcome was the best thing ever

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Moomoomie · 26/01/2013 20:49

Keep your focus on Thursday.
I'm not sure how old your dd is, but is she old enough to pop on some wellies and have a play in the snow.
I really know how you feel, the FC of our eldest two was not very accommodating and we felt we were always in the way. I remember that week as being one of the best and worst weeks.

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funnychic · 27/01/2013 18:57

Intro's day 3

Sorry folks but I am struggling....cried quite a lot today. She is a delight but I saw her fear being alone and out with me and her wanting the FC and it has made me lose my bottle somewhat. She comes to me tomorrow for a few hours. Feel so sorry for the little might but I feel equally sorry for me right now.

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FamiliesShareGerms · 27/01/2013 19:50

Sorry to hear that, Funnychic. It's natural that she feels more comfortable with her FC (and the fact that she has a good attachment to them and isn't happy to drop everything and go off with you is a really good sign). I hope she starts to feel better about being with you soon (I'm sure she will)

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well

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MrsBW · 27/01/2013 19:51

Don't be too hard on yourself... it's such early days. Her fear at being with you (basically a stranger remember) will dissipate gradually, and you will build in confidence as you get to know her. I'm at the start of our journey, but always think of into's as the best and worst of the whole process.

You're doing brilliantly. Keep coming on here and telling us all about it and we'll give you as much support as we can. xx

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Moomoomie · 27/01/2013 19:57

Of course she is fearful, that is understandable. It is good that she has an attatchment to her FC, she will be able to transfer that to you.
I am sure tomorrow will be easier for you, coming home for a few hours.
i know it is hard but try not to let her see you cry, she won"t understand. You need to stay strong, itis going to be a tough few weeks, but you will both be fine.

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Happiestinwellybobs · 27/01/2013 20:54

I can only second what others have said. Our intro week was the toughest week of my life I think. Trying to keep emotions in check, feeling that you are being watched or judged (even though we had the most amazing FC, who was anything but judgemental), guilt at taking our DD from the only family she had ever known, guilt at leaving another foster child there, not to mention the tiredness of travelling to and fro. So whatever you are feeling is normal and completely understandable.

The fact that she is attached to her FC is a really good sign. It is really early days but that bond will transfer to you. Stay strong - it will be fine.

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funnychic · 27/01/2013 21:16

Thank you everyone, I know your all right and I would be saying the same to others in my position. I do feel an immense guilt taking her away from them.
Really hoping the next few days will be ok, she really is a lovely, happy girl.

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Devora · 27/01/2013 21:29

What the others said. It's counter intuitive but remember that any child who would happily leave the nearest thing they've got to a mother to go off with a stranger is probably a deeply disturbed child with significant attachment issues. Honestly it really is better this way.

My daughter was deeply attached to her foster carer, and by the end of introductions we had made no inroads on that whatsoever. (Why would we have?) But her very distress at moving in with us created the building blocks for our bonding. She desperately needed comfort and a new mummy. I was there. She clung to me all day every day. It was tough but that was how our love was born.

I think we tend to see introductions as the time when our child gets to know us and start accepting us as their new family. But of course it's impossible to achieve all that in just a few days, especially with young children and with the foster carer still around. Your work starts next week and will be in many ways easier in your own home.

Also remember that you are emotionally exhausted. What you are doing is really tough. Try to find ways of refuelling yourself.

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LocoParentis · 27/01/2013 22:27

I haven't done this yet so I know it's easy for me to say but. yes she is happy with fc and is ofc very wary of you, a stranger. and taking her away from her happy home is heart breaking and any caring person would feel guilty about making her go through this trauma.
the thing is you are not making her go through it. if it wasn't you someone else would be going through this with her as ultimately adoption has been chosen for her and she cannot be with the fc forever.
all you can do is be as strong as you can be and help her through it. we'll all be here being your cheer squad. good luck for tomorrow

apologies for spelling and grammar. I'm not very good with my new tablet

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Happyasapiginshite · 27/01/2013 22:49

Funny, our start with our dd was different because she was in a baby home in Russia. But I spent 10 days there before we came home with her visiting her. In many ways, it was like your introductions. So much of what you're feeling is familiar to me. My dd didn't have foster carers but a series of carers in the home. Although she was mildly interested in me, she really wanted nothing to do with me while she was still there. She'd give me smiles and let me give her a quick cuddles, but it was the carers that she wanted. This was the way it was the whole time I was there and I was really worried.

BUT... when we left the baby home with her (and while I had no 'guilt' about taking her from there to an undoubtedly better life, I was anxious about she was going to react to her first time out of the only place she'd ever known) dd was really scared and clung to me night and day for several weeks. So while she didn't want me when her familiar carers were around, I was her rock when the rest of the world was different.

When you're at home with your little girl with noone supervising you, it will be so much easier. As others have said, it's great that she's attached to her FC. That's really positive because she will in time transfer that attachment to you. You'll look back on this time in 6 weeks from now and say 'What was I worried about?'

It will get better and better, it really will.

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funnychic · 28/01/2013 15:02

Intro's day 4

DD came over with FC and SW today, I was still quite weepy and full of emotion but I held it in while she was here. Both say I am doing well and little one is very happy with me, she comes to me for a lot of things and then returns to FC in between which as you all say is right and proper. Testing day will be tomorrow when she is at mine all day till bedtime. Going to try a little trip to the park to break the day up. She is so lovely but I keep thinking is this right for me? I know others were scared like me but did anyone actually fear adopting was wrong at this intro stage?

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catkind · 28/01/2013 15:23

Aw funnychic, stick with it. No experience with adopting but i can tell you i felt like that at times when pg! It must be such an amazing and scary thing having your family arrive ready made like that. Good luck!

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DizzyHoneyBee · 28/01/2013 15:31

Awww, how lovely to read Funnychic :) You're a great Mum to her already. How old is she?

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Lilka · 28/01/2013 16:13

It's quite normal to have some worries and fear. This is a massive change, however wonderful it is. I certainly was a bit overwhelmed after meeting DD1, because suddenly she was a fully real person in front of me and my life was actually changing very suddenly. You can think about it all you like in homestudy, but it's something else when it happens for real. You're doing really well, keep going :)

She sounds a real delight!

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Moomoomie · 28/01/2013 18:27

Totally normal. Don't get me wrong but it is probably harder for you and others who have adopted as a single person, I had dh to talk to and support me ( as I did him)
Both the SW and FC think you are doing well, as I am sure you are.
Look after yourself, and keep posting.

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Moomoomie · 28/01/2013 18:29

Oh and definitely try and get out tomorrow, even if it is only for half an hour. And no, people will not be looking at you thinking " that's not her child"

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FamiliesShareGerms · 28/01/2013 19:30

Oh yes, both DH and I felt (at different points during introductions) that we were making a mistake. Not that DD wasn't wonderful, but it is suddenly so real when you are seeing the little girl who is going to be your daughter, rather than talking in the abstract about "matches" or even reading a profile. I think it would almost be odd not to feel a bit overwhelmed - having a new child (birth or adopted) is a huge thing.

But those feelings pass (mostly - I do sometimes still feel I'm playing at this parenting malarkey, even after seven years practice!), and you will sink into the role of being her mum and in time it will be completely natural

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Happyasapiginshite · 28/01/2013 19:33

Funny, both dh and I felt that way -like Families it was at different times. If you read others' experiences here, it seems to be a very common reaction.

It gets better and better, it really does.

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Magslee · 28/01/2013 20:12

Hi Funnychic. I hope tommorrow is better. I really feel for you - this time two weeks ago I was exactly where you were. My ds and his fc had a very strong attachment and I felt like I was taking him away from everyone and everything he loved. It was hugely emotional and all the back and forth in the snow and then being stuck indoors makes it even tougher. I think intros are probably extra hard if you are single (I am too) and so it's really important to talk lots and lots to friends about what's going on. But it gets so much easier once the move happens and it is just you and the little one - I can't believe I'm only a week in and it's like he's always been here. Go easy on yourself, there are bound to be lots of ups and downs and remember the little ones have no idea that we don't know what we're doing.

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Devora · 28/01/2013 21:12

Yes I was full of doubt and ambivalence, both during introductions and for some considerable time afterwards.

Now I can't bear the thought of life without her.

Have you got someone who is taking care of YOU this week?

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funnychic · 28/01/2013 22:08

Thank you everyone it means so much, you are all helping me through this tough time. I honestly never expected to feel as vulnerable as I have. I do have my family who are all taking it in turns to phone me which is a help and I know what everyone is saying is the truth and the it will get better over time.
Anyway tonight at least I am now feeling a lot calmer and more ready for tomorrow and what it will bring. I am taking it each day as it comes. I do hope I can update you all tomorrow with a little bit of positive news.
Thanks all again xx

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LocoParentis · 29/01/2013 00:07

good luck tomorrow funny. keep your chin up and put your best face forward as they say x

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Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2013 00:20

Funnychic I hope it all goes well.

When my friends have had babies I have always said, sleep when they sleep. Because it is vital to get some shut eye when you can.

I also usually send them this little poem.

I love it, it is so true.....

holyjoe.org/poetry/hamilton.htm

Song for a Fifth Child

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She?s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I?ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping?s not done and there?s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there?s a hullabaloo
But I?m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren?t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I?ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I?m rocking my baby and babies don?t keep.

(Perhaps try not to poison any moths while looking after your little one!)

Blessings and all best wishes.