Adopting when you already have 2 biological children.

[WardInJarndyce]

Hi,

I was hoping to get some opinions on the chances of being able to adopt a child when DH and I already have two biological children. Our daughters are currently 5 and 3 but given we are only at the "thinking about it" stage I guess they would be much older if and when a child was placed with us.

I have always wanted a large family but I find pregnancy and birth very difficult so we decided to stop at two. To be honest I had never thought of adoption. Then I was watching a documentary about a month ago and there was this lovely family with two teenage girls and the parents had fostered, and hoped to adopt, a little boy. I was inspired by their story. The parents, the daughters and the little boy all seemed to have benefitted so much from what they were doing.

Since that programme I have done some online research. I am not naive. I know we would not get a baby and I also know that older children come with attachment issues which are very deep seated and complicated. What I have not found online is many stories of familes of four that are approved for adoption. Maybe that is because couples with two bio children don't often choose to adopt or maybe it is because SS asume they won't have the emotional capacity to spare. What do you think?

I am consdiering talking to our local SS but it would be great to hear what people on these boards think of our situation. Would we be an attractive proposition as adopters? Has anyone in a similar situation adopted?

The family in the programme I referred to had fostered their little boy originally and only later had they thought of adoption. I am not that attracted to fostering as I think regular changes of children would break my heart and be very hard on my existing children.

TIA.

[ReneeVivien]

Hi, I have a birth daughter who was rising 5 when we adopted our youngest, who came to us at 10 months and is now 2.5. So far it's going really well, and the girls have a great relationship, but of course it is still early days.

OUr experience of the adoption process was that it took longer - because they wanted our dd1 to be older (we first enquired when she was 1) and because she also had to be assessed to ensure her interests were protected. We got some brownie points for being experienced parents, but this was outweighed by the number of children who we were simply ruled out for because they needed to be the only child in the family. (I have no quarrel with this, by the way - in fact in one case we ruled ourselves out because it was quite obvious to us that the child would need full time attention from a stay at home parent, which we couldn't offer.)

We love both our girls besottedly. I do feel guilty, on a daily basis, that I can't give either of them the time and attention I would like. But this is at least partly compensated by the relationship they have with each other. Though they scrap like all siblings, dd1 is very tender with dd2, and dd2 has hero-worshipped her sister from day 1. My prayer is that having a sibling will be not just an obstacle but also a source of strength for our adopted daughter, and a continuous relationship that she will be able to count on throughout her life.

[PositiveAttitude]

We adopted DD4 after having 4 DCs. Our 4 DCs accepted DD4 without any problems at all. Very accepting. No fostering here first, either.
Good luck!

[ChooChooWowWow]

I don't have any advice to add to that already given. Just wanted to say we have two birth dc and we adopted our youngest. However, she came to us via fostering like the family in the programme you watched.
We have no regrets and met with no opposition because we already had two dc.

Good luck

[Lilka]

If you aren't planning to adopt for years yet, then maybe a bit of research into the issues is the only thing you need to do now. It's definitely too early to contact anyone, besides which the requirements change, and the profile of adopters they are looking for now will change, so the information you get may not be helpful

[Kewcumber]

not all older children come with attachment issue and there are many more issues you could come across instead. By all means read up on it but don;t start heading down that path too much at this stage in the game.

[Kewcumber]

yes I would say way too early except possibly to get information. I would be thinking about it around 3 years before you want to do it MAXIMUM!

[WardInJarndyce]

What I am imagining is adopting a child aged something between 2 and 6 when my girls are around 11 and 13. Who knows if it will work out like that but I imagine that is what would work best for my girls and for the child who I understand will need lots and lots of attention. If I am hoping for a child to be placed in 7ish years it is way too early to contact SS now?

After I wrote my OP I realised that it is easy to type that "I know that older children come with attachment issues which are very deep seated and complicated", but I need to make sure that I truly understand what that means. Can anyone recommend any books or websites about the challenges of parenting adopted children who are not placed very young?

[Kewcumber]

The dog walker - I'm not sure that generally 4-5 is considered to be "an older child" - mostlly school age child is "older" and hardest to place and statistically the adoption disrupt more often.

My understanding from moving in adoption circles is that children with 2 or more birth children choose not to adopt rather than are discouraged to adopt because of the impact of a child with a rocky start might have on their existing children. they will generally need a great deal of attention - which you (and your children) might find very challenging when you haven't yet bonded with your adoptive child but you have with your birth children.

Its a good reason for wanting a decent age gap between existing children and newly adopted children - it means that the new child has the space to be babied a bit (even if school age) and the older children are old enough to understand and to deal with challenging behaviour displayed towards them.

Of course just becasue a child has a difficult start doesn't mean they will be a nightmare to parent - but I haven't come across an adoption yet that doesn't bring additional challenges to birth children.

[Lilka]

I have adopted 3 times. Having your own birth children won't be a problem as long as there is a big enough age gap between the youngest and the new child - I recommend as big as possible, but the minimum gap will be decided by the agency, and will be between 2 and 4/5 years. Most agencies won't start the process until the youngest child has reached school age. Obviously if you want to adopt a 4/5 year old then you'll have to wait longer before beginning the process

It won't be seen as any disadvantage having two children. I haven't heard of many people doing it, but there are people out there. Obviously you have to think more carefully at matching stage about which children to accept, and there are some children who need to be the only child, but it shouldn't disadavantage you. I just don't think it's something the majority of people with two birth kids ever think about, like you said.

Two of my children were older when I adopted them (10 and 8), and one was 23 months, so a big difference. My older kids have been enormously hard to parent (one still is pretty challenging), very very different to a birth child or even my younger child. But for me it's been extremely rewarding. However whilst very young babies aren't available, you can adopt children aged around 8 months - 2 years. It isn't true that all babies are reserved for childless couples (I know sometimes people have that impression), you have the same chance if you already have children. Children are matched to the parents most able to parent them and in some situations having children might work in your favour. For instance a child born into a large family who has been in a large foster family, sometimes SS don't then want to move them to being on their own. Put down the age range you are most comfortable parenting (mine was actually very wide, something like 3-12 the first time)

[thedogwalker]

I think it is a wonderful thing to adopt. I have one DS and I am 18 wk pg with DC2. DH and I have discussed adoption because we believe there are so many children in care that also deserve a chance in life and so DH and I would like to adopt an older child, say 4 or 5 years old, we understand there will be issues, but we firmly believe that it is what we should do. I have not yet looked into it, as it will be in a couple of years, but I am keen to know what other people think of it and how you get on with SS.
It's something I feel so pasionately about, glad there are other people out there who feel the same.