Where to start?

[GeekCool]

I'm fairly new to MN having defected from another parenting site.
I'm 28, have one DS (3) and a lovely DH. I'm an adoptee (from birth), I know some information on my BM but not BD. I've no intention of ever looking either as I have the most wonderful parents.
We have had no luck in TTC and do not want to try IVF etc (personal choice), but have been considering Foster/Adoption for a long time. This would need more discussion between DH and I anyway, but I wouldn't even know where to be begin looking. We live in Scotland, I know they are constantly crying out for Foster carers in our city, but I don't know if it is the way forward.
Any pointers to get me going?

[Mumleigh]

Hi ,
I'm fairly new to this too! I am an adoptive mother to two under 5s.
I did have lots of unsuccessful IVF when I was about your age ( I'm 40 now). I wish I could have been as brave as you in deciding not to. If I could have my time again I wouldn't have done it ( and that's not just because it didn't work) Just think that it was too easy to go down that route ( well it was back then!)and I would have been happier either waiting to conceive without assistance or adopting sooner.
Obviously I'm very happy with my situation now as have two beautiful DCs.
Anyway , with regard to adopting/fostering - I think you need to decide which is right for you. As an adopter I am close to both my DCs foster carers and they are wonderful people who do a heartbreaking job. My experience is that Foster carers who want to go on to adopt the children in their care get a really hard time from social services.
I would advise that you contact your local authority to find out if any adoption open evenings are happening in your area ( no pressure to go ahead at this stage - We had a 4 year gap between attending the open evening and making our application to become an adopter as it took us a while to get our heads around the idea). The open evenings are very informative and will give you and your DH much to think about.
Re fostering - sorry but I have no experience about the application process but there are more and more private fostering companies advertising and I'm sure they have open evenings too.
Finally the Adoption UK website has a message board for foster carers and one for prospective adopters so you will gets loads of info from there. I wish you luck in finding what's right for you.

[walesblackbird]

I think firstly you need to decide whether you want to foster OR adopt. If you're doing this because you want to add to your family permanently then it has to be adoption. When you foster the child is never going to be yours permanently and will either be returned to birth family or placed for adoption. Some fcs do go on to adopt a child placed with them but it's not something SS are keen on usually because it means they lose a very valuable resource - which they've paid to train.

Fostering will involve appointments - usually lots - as well as frequent contact with birth family until a final plan for care is made. That can be difficult to manage when you have a young child already. You will be on call 24/7 and be expected to continue with contact throughout summer holidays, over Christmas etc etc.

If you plan on adopting then SS will expect at least a two year age gap between your birth child and any adopted child. Many agencies now ask for at least a four year age gap.

They will want to investigate your reasons for not pursuing fertility treatment and will want to ensure that you have fully come to terms with this and that you will not be continuing to try to get pregnant during the process. Quite likely they will ask you to use contraception to ensure this doesn't happen.

And, remember that any child placed with you will have had a very rocky start to life and doubtless a very tough time in utero.

Birth mothers smoke, drink and do other sorts of undesirable things which can affect the unborn child's brain development. ALL adopted children are traumatised and can be tricky to parent to one degree or another.

There are lots of books you can read before starting the process. Have a look at the BAAF website for inspiration.

Adoption is wonderful - I've adopted three times - but it is a very intrusive and stressful time and can and does take a high toll on everyone involved.

[GeekCool]

thank you for the replies. It is adoption we would want. I've been reading through the forums and fostering is not something we could manage at this time.
As an adopted child, I can understand the immense value of a child being adopted into the right family.
Our ds is 4 this year and I appreciate that even starting the process will take a while. We'll definitely read up on it some more. I would ask my parents, but the process was so different in the 80's compared to now and I was adopted at 3 months old.
I will check out the sites you have both mentioned. :)

[NanaNina]

There is a special thread for adoption. If you click on "show all" under topics you will find it. Just might be a help to you.