Should I let DD's boyfriend move in?

[KnotnowDear]

DD is 19 and her boyfriend is 20. He is absolutely lovely and has been very good for her. DD has BPD (fully diagnosed and on medication) and is quite hard work.

We moved back to the UK a year ago due to Covid and at the same time I separated from her father.

She has been with her boyfriend for nearly a year and they see each other every day. She needs a lot of emotional support and her boyfriend, 'Samuel' has really supported her in this time and I like him a great deal. He also helps around the house and is a refreshing change from the BPD dramas I have with DD.

He is obviously still young but pays for his own flat and has a full time job. DD is doing her A levels quite late after repeating 2 years due to her mental health issues.

They have asked if he can move in so he stops spending all of his money on rent and can save for a car/further education in his field.

What are your thoughts? I've just got out of a really challenging relationship due to living overseas and have been relishing my freedom back in the UK and I have a pretty challenging job. The two of them seem to want a lot of parenting, with meals and clothes washing on tap.

My gut feeling is to let him move in - with the risk that DD will BPD him and try to kick him out after a row. I'd like to support him in his further education by not charging rent plus put down ground rules on council tax, fuel bills and food/cooking.

What do you think?

[Mindymomo]

I was going to reply saying do a trial run, but now seen you had him stay while he isolated and have seen what would happen if he were to move in full time. Taking in somebody, particularly a bf or gf of your child is difficult, even when you get on well with the person.

[BasiliskStare]

I think the OP has the message

Best wishes to you @Knotnowdear / OP

You have a great deal to cope with & I wish you all the best and strength to do it. Would still say no to BF moving in but I do wish you well . Some help with dealing with your daughter I think sounds like a reasonable plan - but if she has been suicidal I can imagine that makes this so much harder to deal with ( understatement )

All best to you OP

[Polkadots2021]

Also OP why wasn't your daughter cooking his 3 meals a day if he wanted them? If she was raging at you 2 hours about BPD to pressure you into doing what she wants, that's unacceptable. You can't be bullied in your own home by your grown up child. She's going to have to learn to navigate this kind of thing on her own. BPD or not, she can't use angry railroading as her only means of getting what she wants.

[Polkadots2021]

@KnotnowDear

DD is 19 and her boyfriend is 20. He is absolutely lovely and has been very good for her. DD has BPD (fully diagnosed and on medication) and is quite hard work.

We moved back to the UK a year ago due to Covid and at the same time I separated from her father.

She has been with her boyfriend for nearly a year and they see each other every day. She needs a lot of emotional support and her boyfriend, 'Samuel' has really supported her in this time and I like him a great deal. He also helps around the house and is a refreshing change from the BPD dramas I have with DD.

He is obviously still young but pays for his own flat and has a full time job. DD is doing her A levels quite late after repeating 2 years due to her mental health issues.

They have asked if he can move in so he stops spending all of his money on rent and can save for a car/further education in his field.

What are your thoughts? I've just got out of a really challenging relationship due to living overseas and have been relishing my freedom back in the UK and I have a pretty challenging job. The two of them seem to want a lot of parenting, with meals and clothes washing on tap.

My gut feeling is to let him move in - with the risk that DD will BPD him and try to kick him out after a row. I'd like to support him in his further education by not charging rent plus put down ground rules on council tax, fuel bills and food/cooking.

What do you think?

I'd totally say no. He has his own place! This is all way way too intense. It's also your home. If they want their own home they need to be able to pay the rent and bills themselves.

Sorry to be negative but I get the feeling you might be exploited in the end and that this is already a wee bit over your boundaries as it is.

[SweeneyToddler]

Absolutely not.

Two reasons.

1. I can’t see why you’d want to parent a grown man.
   
   
2. Your daughter is very young for a cohabitating relationship. Surely you want to give her a safe space at home, away from the pressures of a relationship?

[StewPots]

Absolutely no. It was my thread a previous poster just mentioned. Now down the line and they have split up, and DD mental health has taken a turn for the worst, but she has at least come back to me and my partner too for support and is doing ok.

I don’t know how to copy the thread from my phone, but the title was DD refuses to talk to me over boyfriend or similar. Don’t make the mistake I did - I was treated like a mug for weeks and it nearly split the family.

[2bazookas]

I think he's needing a parent figure in his life and is currently getting that from me and that's not necessarily a bad thing,

Its a terrible thing. You are NOT his parent, you already have your hands full.
Just like with DD, you're getting the boundary all wrong. That is a very bad example to her, if you ever want her to regulate sensible boundaries for herself.

As others have said, full time live in partner could be too much for her.

[2bazookas]

Damn sure I wouldn't be the cook and laundress! If he moves in, they shop, cook, clean, do their laundry, and share bills with you. There will be a probationary trial period of 6 weeks (he shouldn't give up his flat yet) and you spell out to both of them, that you are relishing freedom and intend to stay free. So there will be no dramas between DD and BF, thankyou.

If DD can't accept that or comply then he can't come.

If the trial period doesn't work for you, he goes.

[JustLyra]

You can be a parenting figure at a distance.
You don’t have to have him in your home to offer help and guidance.

[Knotnowdear]

Good point. He's no contact with his parents so has moved out and has his own flat and is generally managing, but without a plan for the future.

I think he's needing a parent figure in his life and is currently getting that from me and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I agree with everybody, I need to stop pandering to them.

It's always so obvious on threads but it's not in real life.

[Cocomarine]

@Knotnowdear

I said that he should go home but DD said it was unsafe, against government guidelines and that I was a hypocrite. She raged against me for about 2 hours on the subject (BPD) and I just caved in.

There's a lot of history there, she's tried to commit suicide before and it's all very difficult with boundary setting.

Right. But that doesn’t explain why you’re expecting her to cook and not him.

[Knotnowdear]

Adding that he would have had to go home on a train.

[Knotnowdear]

I said that he should go home but DD said it was unsafe, against government guidelines and that I was a hypocrite. She raged against me for about 2 hours on the subject (BPD) and I just caved in.

There's a lot of history there, she's tried to commit suicide before and it's all very difficult with boundary setting.

[JustLyra]

@Knotnowdear

Thank you all for the feedback and you've all been more than clear!

After posting he tested positive for Covid at our house and has stayed here in isolation for the last two weeks. Cue much cooking and cleaning, bedlinen swapping and towel boiling, ordering masks/wipes and I'm now being expected to provide three meals a day .

So I've put my foot down, which is VERY difficult with somebody with BPD, said my food bills are now astronomical and that I expect DD to step up with cooking. No doubt I'll pay hard for this in the coming days.

I've previously been told I need a psychologist to help with setting boundaries with DD due to her BPD and I've reached out for a referral. Thanks all for helping me see through the fog.

Why did you keep him at yours rather than send him to isolate in the place he lives alone? Food parcels could have been sent if necessary.

Send him home ASAP and stop running around after them both.

[JustLyra]

No

Your DD is young, the relationship is still in the honeymoon period, you are just out of a difficult relationship and your DD has health issues.

Your home should be your, and your DDs safe sanctuary.

[Cocomarine]

@Knotnowdear

Thank you all for the feedback and you've all been more than clear!

After posting he tested positive for Covid at our house and has stayed here in isolation for the last two weeks. Cue much cooking and cleaning, bedlinen swapping and towel boiling, ordering masks/wipes and I'm now being expected to provide three meals a day .

So I've put my foot down, which is VERY difficult with somebody with BPD, said my food bills are now astronomical and that I expect DD to step up with cooking. No doubt I'll pay hard for this in the coming days.

I've previously been told I need a psychologist to help with setting boundaries with DD due to her BPD and I've reached out for a referral. Thanks all for helping me see through the fog.

WTF?
Why did you run around after them in the first place, and why aren’t you expecting him to step up with the cooking too?

[Knotnowdear]

Thank you all for the feedback and you've all been more than clear!

After posting he tested positive for Covid at our house and has stayed here in isolation for the last two weeks. Cue much cooking and cleaning, bedlinen swapping and towel boiling, ordering masks/wipes and I'm now being expected to provide three meals a day .

So I've put my foot down, which is VERY difficult with somebody with BPD, said my food bills are now astronomical and that I expect DD to step up with cooking. No doubt I'll pay hard for this in the coming days.

I've previously been told I need a psychologist to help with setting boundaries with DD due to her BPD and I've reached out for a referral. Thanks all for helping me see through the fog.

[ThePoint678]

No. Your DD should have space from him and, possibly more importantly, he will need space from her if she’s as high maintenance as you describe. This is not fair on either of them. Plus, you deserve your own space free of cooking and cleaning for two other adults.

I am surprised you’re even asking.

[CreepingDeath]

I've just got out of a really challenging relationship due to living overseas and have been relishing my freedom back in the UK and I have a pretty challenging job. The two of them seem to want a lot of parenting, with meals and clothes washing on tap.

Don't do it, this paragraph tells me that you will resent them both. They are still not mature enough to properly take responsibility and you will be walked over. They may end up taking over the space and you feeling resentful in your own home.

Like a PP said, read the other thread. It didn't go well. Also, it's not your job to parent him, you have your own daughter to deal with. What about his parents? Where are they in all this? It sounds almost like you feel grateful to him for 'taking on' your daughter, like she is a burden. That doesn't mean you owe him somewhere to live.

I know your daughter is back doing her A-Levels, but maybe she could get a part time job and move in with him in his flat, and help pay some of the bills. That would give her a chance to grow up a bit without you there to pick up the pieces all the time.

If you wanted to support you could help her with a portion of the rent. That way you would still have your house as your own space.

[trumpisagit]

Well, I would say yes, if that's what your daughter wants.
If it takes a lot of pressure off you with supporting your daughter, and you like him.
You would definitely need ground rules though.
Where would he go if they split up?

[longwayoff]

No. Absolutely not.

[Laladell]

Nah you've just got some freedom back take advantage of it! Sod running around after them wanting things done

And likewise now is their time to find freedom as adults, not go backwards.

Maybe if they were older, had been together longer, and were both saving for a deposit for a home with the plan to move out but for me personally it would be a no x

[Driftingblue]

No. Moving him in locks them into the relationship. You can’t make the consequences of a breakup or even just needing some space, him not having a place to live.

[TheTeenageYears]

I would say not. What are his own family circumstances, he's young to have moved out and doesn't sound terribly independent. If they have been together pretty much since you arrived back in the UK there is every chance the relationship won't last and then what? I can understand how having the BF around might make things easier at home but that could be very different if he official moves in. What are the plans after DD finishes A levels, any chance she will go to uni? Could you be left with a lodger you don't want. Absolutely no way should you be increasing your care load at this stage, even when he stays over they should both be pulling their weight or they don't get to be at yours. Most people with a boyfriend with their own place would spend little time at home - are you making it too easy for them at yours?

[Coyoacan]

I have friends who have taken in their children's partners and it all worked out well, but not to the point of washing and cooking for them. That is a mad idea