Help keep my mind busy please. DP not home and uncontactable.

[OnlyCans]

Half way between fuming and terrified.

DP went out in his home city today with his male family members. He said he was almost definitely coming home at around 6 but don't rule anything out. Last train is around 9 but he was definitely getting that. Kept in touch throughout the day and he said getting train. Fine, no issues. At 8.30, I rang and he sounded quite drunk. He asked me to check the train time. I told him and he said ok, he will be on that one. He will get a taxi as he doesn't want DD and I messed about collecting him. 30 mins after train was in our home town I called him. He can barely speak and says he is getting train. I say he has missed it, shall we just come and get him. He said he is sorting everyone else out home and then he will get an Uber. An hour later he calls off someone else's phone saying he has no battery but everyone else is safe and he will sort an Uber. I offer again to just go get him. He says no way, thanks for caring but he can sort himself out. I ask how he will with no phone. He says ermmm and that he will find a way. He will call me in the Uber. That was over an hour ago. He has no coat and is probably the most I have ever known him to be in 15 years and he can handle his drink.

Watching golden girls with DD who is equally fuming/worried. Why wouldn't he just let us get him rather than sitting up worrying that he's asleep in an alleyway somewhere with no coat.

[Hugoslavia]

My dad did the same when I was a child/young teen. It was awful. My mum totally overreacted and ended up phoning around all the hospitals and police stations. She also left me at home and drove my older sister around the nearest city and made her go into every nightclub looking for him. His elderly parents who lived abroad were visiting at the time and it was their last night, so everyone expected him home on time. It turned out that he'd had a few too many and fallen asleep on the train, ending up stranded four hours away and having then having to get several trains home. That was his story at least. It was a harrowing experience, especially as my mother handled it so badly (at one point getting me involved in phoning around hospitals). I think that it's so important to keep calmfor the sake of children as these things create lasting memories. It sounds like you did a much better job than my mother did though.

[NeonDreams]

How old is your daughter? Unless she's under 10 she should have been perfectly able to be at home alone for 2 hours. Have you had a good talk with your DP yet? His behaviour is selfish and inexcusable and he needs to know that he put you through hell, and then abused you on top of it. I could not let it rest.

[Wellymudshapes]

Apologies if my earlier comment came across as unsupportive. I have been in similar situations when we were younger and I worried and couldn’t sleep. I refuse to let myself worry now. I don’t ring, I don’t offer lifts. If he’s out he’s on his own. Worst case scenario he’ll choke on a kebab and I’ll be a Merry Widow and get a toy boy.

[OnlyCans]

@2bazookas he rang off two strangers phones so he must have had a busy night 😉

@magicstar1 that's exactly what I was scared of (and without a coat 😂) I think you had a near miss there but I'm glad it was sorted. Horrible situation for you both.

@Crockof at no point was it obvious that he wasn't coming home. With every call he was just about to get a taxi. Somehow that took him four hours. Bearing in mind he was meant to get home at 10.30 latest, it wasn't unreasonable for her to be awake. I did say to her to go to sleep and it means that he will be back before she knew it and didn't tell her all the things that went through my head. Just moaned about him being silly and taking ages. We talk about what is acceptable and what isn't and she is a well rounded individual... unlike me.

[pigglepot]

@2bazookas made yourself look a real idiot there didn't you. If you had read the posts he came home and was asleep on the sofa. What a pointless vitriolic comment to try and hurt someone.

[2bazookas]

@SpindleWhorl

God yes, as well as incredibly worried I'd be angry with him and his family members who left him in that state.

Whose phone did he ring from?

Just a guess; it belongs to the woman he picked up. Don't expect him home tonight.

[Mindymomo]

Men, drink and phones - it never ends well.

Enjoyable time reading through this thread. Everyone went from being worried about him to now saying he’s been a dick.

[magicstar1]

These things happen....I don’t blame you for being worried or upset though. DH only did it once...he got so drunk that no taxi would take him as they couldn’t understand what he was saying. I couldn’t go get him as he wasn’t answering the phone and there are numerous small streets he could be in. He sat down on a wall and fell asleep after puking on his own boots. Luckily a friend of his saw him and managed to get him home. I didn’t bother saying anything as he was still drunk...when he sobered up he was sorry and it’s never happened again.
I hope your DP is more reasonable now he’s sober, and understands why you were so worried.

[lucie8881]

@Janaih

Using your child as an emotional crutch for your marriage issues is abusive, its called covert incest and I'm glad so many posters have picked OP up on it.
You clearly have a DH problem, please address that in a healthy way don't fuck your kid up.

Wow! That got serious pretty quickly!

OP you dealt with it the best way you saw fit at the time. It would appear this isn't a regular, everyday (therefore indicative of a bigger problem) occurrence otherwise you wouldn't have been as upset and unsure how to handle the situation.

Use it as a learning opportunity for your DD, can add in how you might respond differently if you could go back or reinforce that your action was the best at the time (up to you how you choose to utilise it)

As a one off this isn't a make or break scenario with your DH but does warrant a discussion of what elements of his behaviour were off. Also perhaps reflect on your expectations from him, were you over invested in his night out? Only you two can answer that because it is really dependant on your relationship dynamic and communications.

Overall, all's well that ends well x

[WildBurd]

Blimey, not having a coat in August!

I would have been long in bed, as would DD. I wouldn't have allowed her to stay up to see her pissed Dad in a state.

I would have left him to it.

[Janaih]

Using your child as an emotional crutch for your marriage issues is abusive, its called covert incest and I'm glad so many posters have picked OP up on it.
You clearly have a DH problem, please address that in a healthy way don't fuck your kid up.

[EarringsandLipstick]

Some of the comments here to OP are awful & bullying.

@Crockof take a look at yourself & just stop.

OP I hope you can get some rest today. Im sorry you had to deal with this. I too would have been worried. I missed what age your DD is but the comments directed at you are unwarranted and really nasty - I don't think you did anything wrong here.

Your DP sounds an arse and immature bit perhaps it's a one-off?

[Galassia]

Waiting up wouldn’t be an option for me. Under the circumstances you have described I would have gone to bed and had my sleep so that in the event of anything untoward happening I would be refreshed and able to cope.

Staying up and making yourself feel fractious is utterly pointless.

[30degreesandmeltinghere]

Op your dh isn't a naughty school boy.
Maybe why he wasn't in a hurry to get home.
Hung for a sheep as a lamb?

[HopeClearwater]

Has he got a drink problem?

I can't wake him so I put a blanket on him.

Don’t do this. Let him feel the consequences of his own idiocy.

[Comefromaway]

@30degreesandmeltinghere

I feel a bit cringey reading your first post op
.
He didn't have a coat!!

He is over 18 and it is August!!
The rest is just unorganised person out on the drink.. You were way over invested...

Depending where the OP is there have been storms and flooding in some areas.

[30degreesandmeltinghere]

I feel a bit cringey reading your first post op
.
He didn't have a coat!!

He is over 18 and it is August!!
The rest is just unorganised person out on the drink.. You were way over invested...

[Crockof]

@AmyDudley

Why do people think that going to bed will stop someone worrying? If you know someone is drunk, and seems incapable of getting home and you aren't certain they won't come to harm, then of course you worry. The only difference going to bed will do is that you worry in bed.

As others have said - awful lot of suggesting that OP is somehow at fault - when she did nothing wrong.

Because involving a child in such a drama is wrong as Tempus shows.

[Crockof]

Although he is a dick and he should have arranged to stay with family, all this could've been avoided if he organised himself properly.

[Crockof]

Watching golden girls with DD who is equally fuming/worried. Why wouldn't he just let us get him rather than sitting up worrying that he's asleep in an alleyway somewhere with no coat This is at 1am with a child.

DD is crying after being so excited to see him this is after 3am

I think kids need to understand that these things happen in a relationship I don't.

It's not your fault how he behaved and I'm certainly not making excuses for him, but you mentioned twice he didn't have a coat (odd and controlling unless talking about a toddler)

You then used your child as an emotional crutch, you should have gone to bed when it was obvious he wasn't coming home. Worrying yourself and your child didn't achieve anything, nor chance the outcome. It's not being anti feminist it's being an adult.

[Tempusfudgeit]

My Mum used to do this to me - inappropriate involvement in her anxiety/life stresses. It affected me.

[AmyDudley]

Why do people think that going to bed will stop someone worrying? If you know someone is drunk, and seems incapable of getting home and you aren't certain they won't come to harm, then of course you worry. The only difference going to bed will do is that you worry in bed.

As others have said - awful lot of suggesting that OP is somehow at fault - when she did nothing wrong.

[LIZS]

How old is your dd? You should have told him that 10/11pm was your limit to collect and gone to bed rather than getting both of you overtired and anxious.

[SomethingNastyInTheBallPool]

Christ. He sounds like an idiot, but why on earth didn’t you and your DD just go to bed and let him get himself home like a grown man. What did you think would happen?

[OnlyCans]

@pigglepot thank you. It's funny how comments have taken a turn from last night to this morning.


@AnotherMarvellousThing yes unsurprised because this was a regular occurrence many many moons ago and although he did appear to have grown out of it this is his first time out in his hometown since covid started so i expected something but not this at all. I expected he miss the train and get an Uber, no stress.

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads yes we go out together all the time. I always wait up for him because we always have fun when he gets back. dd was waiting up because he was due back at around half 10 and as it's holidays and the weekend she doesn't have a strict bed time. It's not that I can't trust him or anything like that. It was just how drunk he sounded and how he didn't have any methods to get home (or seemed not to because he was stupidly drunk and couldn't formulate any kind of plan) that I was stressed. I do over react in these situations but no way could I have peacefully slept knowing he is out there off his face to the point he can't remember who he is with or where he is. I didn't tell DD about my worries. I kept saying he will be home, he's obv just delayed.