DD changing appearance, moods etc...

[ModulLakritze]

NC for this as I think it could be outing.

My DD is 13 years old. About a year ago she started changing in mood, what she wanted to wear etc, all very normal and expected. Then she started talking about gender, sexuality, etc. It transpired that she felt she's gay, no issues with that. She formed close friendships with others in school who felt similarly.

In the past few weeks DD has started wearing all black and applying very thick black eyeliner. Initially I though she just didn't know how to apply make up so I offered to do her make up, she agreed and then washed it straight away and applied the thick eyeliner again.

A couple of days ago her friends came for a sleepover. I hadn't seen them for 18 months and I wouldn't have recognised them in a million years. Two of them now identify as male. They've gone from having very blonde long hair to having shaggy short died black hair, wearing all black, ripped tights, very high platform over the knee boots, and strong black make up.

I don't mean to be insensitive but I genuinely believed initially that they were dressed up for halloween. Then the penny dropped. My own DD has been hinting at wanting to die her hair black and cut it short, having platform boots, etc.

I would appreciate some tips as to how to navigate this. On the one hand I do appreciate that it's almost text book adolescent development. On the other, well, I just don't like the idea of my DD looking like that. Not sure it matters but she's a year younger than the others, as they're all 14 yo whilst my own DD won't be 14 until the end of august. I realise now how influenced she is by these friends and that's where her new tastes in music, movies, clothes, etc comes from.

Do I just ignore it, let it be and hope it's a phase? Do I support it and if so how? Do I object?

I'd appreciate tips and advice but be kind, she's my first soon to be teenager.

[mamaoffourdc]

Omg - you could be writing about my daughter! She is 14 bisexual, into cos play, anime and the dark clothes/eye liner - all of that I'm fine with.
However she has come to me saying she wants to go by the they/them pronouns as she feels like she doesn't identify as a girl.
I spoke to my bestie (social worker dealing with teens) and she advices me to tell my daughter that she doesn't get to make those decisions until she is 18 ( dd definitely DOESNT want to change gender- not trans)

[Ducksarenotmyfriends]

Let her embrace her goth/alternative stage and wear cos play stuff as normal wear. People who go through that stage tend to end up as the loveliest adults (judging by pretty much most of my adult friends who went through that stage!). I went through that stage, not necessarily in rebellion against my parents but more against people at my school as I had terrible anxiety and never felt I fitted in there. Getting into alternative subcultures allowed me to meet people more on my wavelength.

[tearstainedbakes]

Yes @Notarealmum 100%

[Notarealmum]

It gets ever harder for young people to rebel against the older generation. For many it seems transgender is just the latest way of doing it (not intending to disparage in any way those for whom it’s a genuine thing). I’d say leave her to it while keeping an eye on her use of social media and a dialogue open about her style and interests.

[TwoShades1]

It definitely sounds like more of a goth/emo aesthetic rather than anything else. How much you let her run with it is probably up to you and will depend on things like school rules for hair, makeup, clothes and your budget for buying the clothing, shoes, etc she wants. I definitely had a goth/emo phase and I’m very normal now. Though I do still have a strong liking for black clothes over colours or patterns.

[NoBloodyHolly]

It all sounds very normal on the surface. However, and I really don’t want to worry you, but this is exactly what I did in my teens. I completely changed overnight and my mum must have wondered what on Earth had happened. She never asked me though. The reality was I’d experienced a horrible trauma and my whole personality/ look/ music taste changed overnight.

I’m sure your daughter is fine, but I think it’s probably worth gently exploring whether anything has happened to spark this.

Hopefully she’s just discovered her emo phase. I never left mine

[tearstainedbakes]

Poor girl, everything you describe is totally normal and whilst it might not be your cup of tea, maybe your look isn't hers (from the fact that she wiped your attempt at make up off straight away).

The style you describe can look fantastic, just leave her alone to express herself how she wants.

As far as the transgender thing is concerned, she has a different view from you and that's OK. You don't have to convince her of your position and if you try, she will probably dig deeper in. Discuss it if it is appropriate and she wants to

[Ladywinesalot]

I wouldn’t be bothered about going goth (in theory) but the changing sexuality and identifying as male at 13/14 is worrying.
Far, far to young.

Does your dad have any hobbies/sports to keep her mind busy rather than thinking about her sexuality.

[MerryGoRoundBrain]

Ignore! I was that kid between 13 and 16. I cringe looking and pictures now and grateful there were no social media then. My parents hated it but I think they just gave up eventually.
I’m now a relatively normal adult . I still love eyeliner and mascara, just maybe got better at applying it.
You sound so lovely for trying to get it right

[ModulLakritze]

Thanks everyone. She also likes cosplay and has fancy dress type items of clothing that I feel she's planning to use as normal clothes. Do I turn a blind eye to that too?

[user1471565182]

By normal i mean everyday careers and stuff, didnt mean not gay.

[user1471565182]

It cant be as horrific looking as emo was, and like Hollow says this was before the whole transgender trend thing, they all said they were bisexual back then. Most just turned out normal and had definitely come out the other side by university age

[Lollyneenah]

I'd let her crack on with the clothe etc but I wouldnt let the older girls sleepover or have the bedroom door closed while they're in there together.
Same rules as if she were straight and bringing a boy home

[Vello]

Let her get on with it, but block tumblr on your router.

[BanningTheWordNaice]

Honestly the people I know who weren’t allowed to dress a bit like this/rebel as a teenager are the ones still doing it in their 30s and 40s. I’d let her get on with it and get it out of her system.

[RhymesWithOrange]

Have you checked her SM/online browsing recently?

[HollowTalk]

I'd give her a print out of JKR's post and a highlighter pen and ask her to highlight exactly what was wrong with it. I'd be surprised if she could find anything.

[ModulLakritze]

view

[ModulLakritze]

RhymesWithOrange we definitely want her to join a sports club, team, etc but there's nothing non competitive available at the moment.

PenguindreamsofDraco honestly I have tried, but the conversation quickly becomes confrontational. Is there any age appropriate literature that would offer a more balanced vie?

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

@ModulLakritze

In terms of the transgender thing, I don't feel she wants to go there, but she has said she is not heterosexual. She is very vocal against JK Rowling because of the comments she made about transgender people, and no amount of trying to reason with DD and talking about feminism have got us anywhere, so I now just leave it.

Oh Christ, dont leave it! She's 13! Of course she knows nothing and understands less. You dont need to bash her over the head with it but leaving the topic undiscussed leaves a massive void to be filled, as her ignorance about JKR shows.
Maybe read what JKR actually wrote with her. Ask for her views on it. Which bits does she think show hatred?
And get yourself over to FWR

[RhymesWithOrange]

TBH I'd just keep a very close eye on her online activity. There are a lot of harmful rabbit holes teens can go down when they're exploring their identity and sexuality.

As much as possible she should have a variety of sport/activity etc. and not spend ALL her time on specific obsessions or with a very small group of friends.

[ModulLakritze]

In terms of the transgender thing, I don't feel she wants to go there, but she has said she is not heterosexual. She is very vocal against JK Rowling because of the comments she made about transgender people, and no amount of trying to reason with DD and talking about feminism have got us anywhere, so I now just leave it.

[MWNA]

You sound so lovely, trying to get this right.
I think just go with it. Largely ignore but be supportive if she reaches out. If anything becomes an issue - older friends, unwise choices etc - she's got you as a loving, interested parent to help guide her.

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Totally normal, I wouldnt make too much of it as it will probably encourage her more. Personally I wouldnt let a 13yo permanently dye her hair or allow makeup for school, but I did both at 13 if I'm honest. Kids do have these stages and copy each other - my oldest is only 11 and was a "vsco girl" last year - they all wore giant hoodies, pony tails and scrunchies all up their arms, looked ridiculous but I kept my mouth shut and shes over it now. Sure there's worse to come!

[Ohalrightthen]

I'd just let her get on with it if i were you. Check that hair dye isnt against the school dress code, and tell her if she ruins the towels she'll have to pay for new ones.