How has your relationship with your dad affected your life?

[SneakyBlinder]

At nearly 40yrs old I’ve realised that my poor relationship with my dad has had a massive impact on my life.
He wasn’t really part of my childhood, he was always at work (CID) and when he wasn’t we were tiptoeing around the house so as not to disturb him. He left my mum when I was 8 and moved in with his new girlfriend. Every other weekend I would arrive at his house and feel like I was in the way the whole time. It was obvious, even then, that I was an inconvenience. He’d make fun of me and show very little affection.
I had a best friend who was the daughter of one of his best friends. I always remember watching how he’d fuss over her, compliment her and laugh with her. I can remember thinking that she was the daughter he would have wanted.
I moved away with my mum in my early teens and only saw him during the summer for around 5/6 years. Again, the moment I’d arrive I felt like I was in the way.

I never knew either of my Grandads, had no uncles or anyone that could have been another ‘father figure’.
I found that by 17yrs old I was so desperate for male attention, that I’d end up with just about any man that gave me the time of day.
At 18 I was pregnant. Then over the next 8/9 years I went through 3/4 horrible relationships. Always trying desperately to please, being treated like shit but being so scared of being on my own I’d put up with it.
Eventually I met a lovely guy and on my wedding day I was so excited, I couldn’t wait for that moment like in the movies when the bride walks in and her dad has tears running down his cheeks, I didn’t get it. He didn’t even comment on how I looked. Didn’t even say I looked nice. His speech was a poem he’d printed off the internet. Nothing about me, who I was or that he was proud of me. He could have been reading it to anyone.

I left my husband after a few years, he was too nice, too loyal, too forgiving.
I’m in a wonderful relationship now and I’m very happy in general but to be honest, that feeling of rejection from the one man that is supposed to love you more than anything, never goes away.
He lives 5 minutes away. I haven’t seen him for 2 years. I text him and get one word replies or just an emoji....

I don’t need him, or want anything from him...I just struggle sometimes with understanding what I did wrong.

[022828MAN]

My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who belittled and bullied me regularly. I'm an only child and was very much "off the rails" as a teen - alcohol, drugs, sex, getting arrested.
I've always struggled to trust men and have had a lot of boundary issues when it comes to relationships (particularly sexual one's). I definitely have attachment and jealousy issues, and it's hard not to attribute it to my childhood.
DH is the only man I've fully trusted and even then it took me years and lots of counselling and CBT to not have a panic attack each time he went for drinks with friends!
I have attempted to maintain a relationship with my dad over the years, but went fully no contact earlier this year.

[Sara2000]

My dad's jealous of me as well.. when he got back in touch after 15 years he asked my brother what car I drove. When he was told it was a Mercedes he wasnt pleased apparently. Weird.

[Afwan]

These stories and sad but also interesting and I'm sorry for those who have/had rotten upbringings

My DF is jealous of me. Yes, you read that right. He caused a wedge between me and him for eight years when he told my DH to be I was a gold digger (because DH had picked out a nice engagement ring) and that was that. He admitted years later he was jealous, still is now. He pushed me to get well educated, which I did and is jealous of the (financial) benefits that come with it, Weird.

DH on the other hand has shone a huge spotlight on all the oddness that was my childhood, really obvious things that get raised as red flags like punching walls, financial incompetence etc but to which was normal for me.

I'm the only one who bothers with him now out of my siblings. I feel sorry for him as he, together with my DM, should never have been parents and were not equipped themselves with loving or supportive upbringings. The fact I don't have DC myself helps in this I think as I can see it from this perspective. My siblings could never envisage treating their DC as we were, so have shut him/them out.

[Sara2000]

My dad is a selfish, alcoholic who in his 70s lives alone in a rented flat as he lost all his money. He was happy not to talk to me for 15 years because his wife at the time wanted it that way. As soon as that marriage ended he turned to me and expected to walk in as the patriarch figure the grandad my teens had never met and I was to be grateful. He talked about moving near by when we barely knew him which I knew meant he had my lined up to run around after him. He lied and manipulated and tried to cause arguments between my sister and I..

He doesnt have relationships, they are all transactions, which he will only bother with if he thinks hes going to get something back. He spends his whole time trying to control people so he gets what he wahts from them.My breaking point was when he called my mum to 'apologise' for having been a shit husband 40 years ago. She thought he was genuinely sorry for all the DV and cheating. He then called me in a drunk state and admitted his real intention was to split her marriage of 20 years because he wanted to have a place in the family again. Not that he would have been successful but it just showed what he was like. I got so sick of dealing with such a manipulative person that I walked away. He will most likely die alone which in some ways is awful but I won't be at his funeral.

DH is the absolute opposite. But I can see now that I put up with bad behaviour from him when I was younger which was 'normal' to me because of my childhood. That's changed as DH wouldnt get away with it now. I have a better sense of self respect which is one reason I have walked away from my father now. I don't discuss it in real life as even close friends say 'but he's your dad.' No , he's my father. A dad to me is something else that he's never been..

[Someone1987]

@AmICrazyorWhat2 thank you. 💐
That is true, it definitely makes me overthink everything I say and do (though he is only 10 months🙈). I guess it made me feel totally unprepared and ignorant as to how to be a good mum.

[Roselilly36]

I didn’t know my dad, my step dad wasn’t interested I just came as part of the package, I was a baby when the affair with my married mum occurred. I have never really had a relationship with a dad, sadly.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

@Someone1987. I think it also makes you aware of how certain behaviors affect children, though, so you try not to repeat them?

I’m not a perfect parent by a long chalk but my children know they can rely on me in ways I couldn’t rely on my Dad. I was lucky though in that my Mum was great through the turmoil so I had a rock. I’m sure you’re a great parent.💐

[RuffleCrow]

My dad is my mum's enabler.

I learned very early on in life that I couldn't look to him for protection. As an adult i either sought out men who were protective of me (boring!) Or more often, men who (like him) could talk the talk "i love you" when pushed, but who couldn't show it in their actions or have any particular loyalty to me. Even at 39, I'm still drawn to men (and women) who seem ambivalent about me. It's actually almost physically painful to think about.

[Someone1987]

Has anyone else found that not feeling loved or wanted as a child affects them when they have their own children. I guess that's why people can't always break the chain. I imagine if parents had their own issues and there wasn't so much help back then, it's natural they will struggle? I always try and make excuses for my parents, but now I'm a parent I feel like a failure and worry my son will think the same of me as I did of them.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

My Dad has suffered with his MH all his life ( long before he met my Mom) and tbh, it might have been better if he hadn’t become a good parent...or even married my Mum without addressing them. He caused emotional and financial instability and even now in old age, still blames everyone else for his problems! He can’t cope with responsibility and has always relied heavily on the women in his life. He’s basically a child!

But, he can be lovely when he’s feeling OK, really fun. He just can’t be relied on and will say horrible things when he’s unhappy. I think he’s probably a narc in addition to his MH issues. I still love him though, but I chose a partner who’s the polar opposite in every way.🤣

[Imissmoominmama]

Your dad wasn’t a good dad, OP- you deserved better. If he’d been the dad of that other little girl, he’d have been crap with her. It’s easy to be nice for a few minutes- much more difficult to sustain it when you’re a egocentric twat.

[Imissmoominmama]

Mine buggered off to the other side of the world when I was 4 and believed that a cheque at birthday and Christmas should be rewarded with regular letters from me. I didn’t know what to write because he was a stranger.

I don’t want anything from him now; my real dad is the man my mum married, who brought me up.

I have issues around abandonment; if someone moves away, I find it very difficult to continue the relationship. I know this is unfair, but I really struggle.

[Notsandwiches]

I have a dad who was an aggressive drunk and our home life was unpredictable. However, I always knew that his dysfunction was a reflection on him and not me.

Your dad sounds awful. He will always have been awful. You didn't make him awful. You deserved a good father. You deserved love.

[Dullardmullard]

I never knew my birth father really all I have is stories of him and not very nice ones mostly bullshit I’ve discovered.

I was raised by my mother and step father who both where arseholes
He abused me from the age of 8 a year after they married and she knew and did nothing till 12. She stayed for the lifestyle mainly money.

He said I was now too old. I still shudder at that as I thought who else was he abusing.

when I got pregnant at 16 my mother actually told me to get rid of it. She then laughed at me when the baby died being born to early. Saying it was all my fault.

I moved around a lot and got into relationships that weren’t good for me or my mental health.

My brother the golden child tried to guilt trip me into talking to them as I had kids and they wanted a relationship with the kids. Like hell but unbeknown to me my ex took them to see them behind my back.

He told me to grow up and let theM what’s the harm. I took the kids and ran as he knew about the abuse and said I brought that on myself. Yeah ok then.

I then got into another abusive relationship which was my eye opener as he charmed everyone but was so cruel to me but not physically for 7 years that happened when I got pregnant. No one believed what he did to me till one day the mask slipped and he went to throttle me in front of witnesses. All because I said no to his demands.

I then decided I needed therapy and it helped unravel everything. But I have memories I have shut off and don’t want opened as I think it’ll break me mentally.

Thankfully both mother and step father are dead and I didn’t feel a thing when they passed. I have went NC with my brother as he is just like them.

After 45 years I broke the cycle

[eeyore228]

I had an appalling relationship with my dad...until I left home. I discovered that my mum lied and hid things from my brothers and I, my dad was portrayed in such an awful light. He and I had a ‘showdown’ for want of a better word. I was vile I let rip for years of feeling unwanted and upset. He took it all and gradually I learnt another side to the ‘story’ that had been spun. My mother continued to bare face lie and as a result lost 3 of her 4 children. She even went as far as to tell us that she had been a victim of DV I’m a subsequent marriage. Whilst I agree that there are some appalling fathers out there, there are an equal number of mums who fit the bill too. :(

[52andblue]

Ah, @SneakyBlinder that sounds very hard.

My Father died when I was 12 weeks old in an RTA. I have a few photos, that's all. Some of his family have a few things, but I've never been given them.

My Mother would not let her husband adopt me. Watched me around him all the time. Told me I was the reason they had marriage problems. Wouldn't let me use his name (he would have adopted me and given me his name) Yet she insisted he walk me down the aisle (at 32!).He made no comment on my 'looking nice' either. Speech was, quite literally: 'welcome to the family, Dave'.

I have had a 30 year on/ off relationship with a very patrician man much older than me (I met aged 19, when he was 42, my Mother was thrilled I had a 'sugar daddy' - yuk!) He did and does treat me badly. It is soooooo obvious why I put up with it, but it's still hard to break the link.

[LondonPainter]

for those of you with awful dads. Mine was lovely but since his death I'm left with a very difficult mother and I'm now realising the scale of the impact she has had on me. I don't want to let it take over my life but it's tricky.

[WiserOwl]

@FourTeaFallOut

My Dad was amazing. The nicest person I've known. He was my biggest cheer leader. He was always kind and patient. He was proud and ambitious for us. He's the reason I've never taken any shit from anyone.

You are so so fortunate.

I get saddest on threads like "why do women have children with these men?".

I took shit because i was raised to have no needs, no perspective, and raised to doubt myself.

My parents arent speaking to me atm (because i ask3d them to stop calling me paranoid. I really am not paranoid and never was)

I really wish my dad was in my corner but he supports my mother in her defensive martyred victimhood. They are the victims of me.

It is so much to unravel.

I wonder how people can be so lucky as to not understand how shit parenting hardwires you to get a shit relationship.

I wish people were more understanding.

[ginghamtablecloths]

Yes. My dad loved what he called 'a good argument' and was very manipulative. The only things he readily expressed were anger and sneering at others. He must have been an exciting boyfriend but an appalling husband for Mum. She suffered for decades with high blood pressure, surely due to being married to the most quarrelsome man in the world. He was an awful bully.

It was psychological torture so was invisible. We were never praised and therefore felt that we were never ever good enough. It had a massive effect on all his children. He only engaged with us to argue or show off his supposed superiority. None of us had any self confidence. It's taken until my mid-sixties to realise that I'm as good as anyone else.
for others who suffered either physically or emotionally at the hands of their fathers.

[WiserOwl]

Badly. He was depressed and passive and enabled all the scapegoaying of me. That benefitted him and destroy3d me.

[FourTeaFallOut]

My Dad was amazing. The nicest person I've known. He was my biggest cheer leader. He was always kind and patient. He was proud and ambitious for us. He's the reason I've never taken any shit from anyone.

[LadyIronDragon]

My Dad is wonderful. He's a truly good human being - kind, selfless, clever, dependable, compassionate. He lives for his family and is truly adored in return.

That said, I have always craved male attention, was highly promiscuous, always sought from highly inappropriate sources (positions of authority, much older men etc) and have been self-destructive in many of my relationships. I think for me it's just part of who I am, more than how I was raised or what my father was like.

Sorry to hear about the sad stories on here. I am truly grateful for my parents and their unconditional love.

[strawberriesandpecans]

moonlight1705 sorry this happened to you

[DailyLotion]

I think this is really complex. My Dad has very high standards which I have found difficult to live up to, still in my 50s I find myself making career decisions based, in part, on what he'd approve of. Is that good or bad? I've probably been far more successful than I would have been without that push and his absolute belief that I can reach the top of any chosen field.

[amusedbush]

My dad is the kindest, most generous, loving man I've ever met. He desperately wanted to be a dad and even turned down a very well paid job when I was little because it would have meant travelling most of the week. He would give me the shirt off his back if I asked.

My mum, on the other hand, is a toxic narcissist who doesn't deserve the love he seems to have for her. She didn't want children and told me outright that she only had us so my dad wouldn't resent her. All of my childhood trauma stems from her and I can just about stand her for the length of time it takes to eat a meal, which I limit to twice a year.