Is this it now, not meant to be? so sad

[TabiTail]

I’m so sad. I have been in love once or twice in my life but for the last 3 years I’ve been very single. I was 36 in August and I just feel so past it all now.

I’m so sad. I’ve worked hard in my life and I’m very ok alone. I have good friends, colleagues and family I’m mostly close ish to! But I’ve never met the right one for me and it bothers me.

I know not everyone who is in a relationship is happy. I know it’s not about that. I don’t want someone to complete me and I don’t believe it would be a magic ticket to happiness. But I so want to experience a relationship, a future shared with someone. Even in covid times I fill my life with lots of things, I’m rarely at a loose end just sitting on my own. But nothing ever removes that horrible ache for a partner. For someone to get into bed with and wake up with. To share food with. Share worries and hopes with.

I’m just so fucking sad about it. And it gets lonelier the older I am.

I’m starting to give up on it all. I’ve dated and still do talk to people but I have no faith that I will find anyone now. So many people say oh one day you’ll meet someone. Well it’s been 3 years and not found anyone I even want a relationship with let alone feel they are significant to me.

Managed to get myself into a horrible state tonight and feel utterly shit. Has anyone felt like this and it’s got better?

[DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy]

@TabiTail

I get what people are saying about doing things you love and having fun... I know that really is the only way forward but I find the comments frustrating (I know posters are trying to support me ) ...it’s just that I have got hobbies. I do things I like doing. I am busy. You don’t see married couples with a huge array of hobbies and a bustling confident life. It’s as if you’re single you have to be this fantastically busy and engaging person all the time.

But nothing takes away that empty feeling of wanting to climb into bed and have a chat about your day. And yes I know that isn’t the reality for lots of couples but it’s just one example of the sort of couple things I haven’t had in my life for so long.

I have a very independent life. But it doesn’t change wanting to share it with someone and I honestly can’t imagine feeling that way about anyone anymore...it’s like I have become cold it all?!

Yes, I do see married couples with hobbies! I have one or two BIG hobbies, as does my DH. We don't live in each other's pockets, we are not gazing into each other's eyes in the aisles of B&Q.

Don't knock your interests. I got together with my DH when I was 36 after having been single for a decade. And I sometimes still miss my lovely single lady flat and the peaceful life that I had in it.

You're obviously an attractive person who can pick and choose a bit - in a couple of years' time, you might decide to compromise or have a kid or two with someone who might not be Mr Forever. Then you might meet Mr Forever when you're 50. Or tomorrow.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things but just having a low moment - we are all having those right now - hang on in there!

[WitchWife]

Also I wonder if you’ve actually lowered your bar too far? Clueless people always advise the single against being too fussy (and I’m sure some people do need that advice). What helped me avoid dating burnout was only dating people who seemed genuinely interesting, acceptably attractive and were lovely to me. Not just going out with people out of boredom or because they seem intriguing!

[WitchWife]

I know this won’t solve your problem but if this is making you feel seriously sad and crap I do think it’s worth having a chat with your GP or a counsellor. Just because you know the reason doesn’t mean your feelings can’t get out of hand and result in depression. Talking to someone and being totally honest about how you feel is bound to help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, needless to say.

[TabiTail]

Thanks for all the messages.

It’s just while my life is fine, better than a lot I expect in many ways, it’s just going through the motions. As ridiculous as this sounds I’ve been known to book in a spa afternoon just to pass the time and distract me... it doesn’t make me ‘happy’ but gives me something to do.

As for hobbies yes I have them but a hobby doesn’t cuddle up with you or chat thorough finances if there’s impending redundancy!

Everything feels like getting through the days. This afternoon for instance I have a spare day and it’s bleak. I don’t want this, I want to be be so entwined with someone that my agenda at the very least is dropping them off or picking them up or sorting dinner...even if they’re also out of the house all day and I’m not! Just the sense of being part of life with someone else...I am so lonely.

I feel I’ve done this so long that I can’t see it changing. 3 years of dating. Really giving things a go even if not that interested. But it never goes anywhere as I really do not feel much for them! I’m not seeking some sort of magical moment but just someone who feels right and we both want the same sorts of things in life.

Another moan. Sorry!

[WitchWife]

Thanks so much @TabiTail that made me feel quite emotional.

Weekends are a particularly shit time I think as you have acres of space to be filled up.

I don’t know where you are based but would moving to a more lively area help? Thinking if everyone around you is very kid centred.

Hope you’re feeling ok today

[Mothersruin123]

I was in the same boat as you at 36. I was so sad that I hadn't met the man of my dreams and started a family. I went with plan B at got a puppy. Best thing I ever did as gave me something to nurture and put first. The welcome when you get home is far better than you ever get from a man!! Luckily had lots of family support so I could still go out and do single girl stuff regularly too and not worry about him being alone.

I was lucky and met my now husband at 38 and we now have a daughter but I think I would have been ok just me and the dog (and maybe another for company) if that hadn't happened. I feel like a bit of a twat saying it, but I really think that my dog changed my life and went a long way towards providing what I felt I was missing.

[wheresmymojo]

Do you have any pets?

I know this sounds like one of those shit things that married people say to single people but when I was on my own for 5 years getting my two cats was one of the best things I did.

It made the house feel less empty, I had other sentient beings to come home to and something to love.

No. It's not the same as a partner but it really helped me during that time and they're still with me and above DH in the pecking order in our house

[wheresmymojo]

It took me five years and nearly 50 first dates to meet DH!

[Meruem]

I don’t know if it’s necessarily helpful when people come out with their stories of meeting someone at 39 and having DC in their 40s. Yes I know one or two people that’s happened to, but I know many more who were single in their late 30’s and still are in mid 40’s-50. I know people say these things with the best of intentions but the truth is no, not all of us do meet someone.

I agree more with the idea of treating it like a job search and putting a lot of effort in. I personally can’t be bothered with all that but if it’s important to you, then it’s better to be out there looking than sitting back waiting.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Sounds like you're having a bad day. This is always a bad time of year, as the nights close in and spending more time alone on the sofa rather than outside.

Do you have a pet, OP? (Sorry, I know that sounds vaguely patronising). I'm nearly 60 and single and would have gone bonkers if it wasn't for my dog. She's my excuse to get out of bed and go outside, she's company, she's my sounding boad and something tactile to stroke. Besides, she's always pleased to see me!

I've been married and had children (all adults, living away) so it's somewhat different for me, but I know I'd rather be alone with my dog than have to listen to a man complain about his day for four hours and then moan about me 'always being miserable' if I wanted to talk about mine.

This too will pass. I'm not going to tell you you will meet someone (although you may), but you are still young. Never say never and try to find the positives in things - it helps. As does a dog or cat and as much daylight as you can get!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

The pandemic restrictions will be exacerbating the way you're feeling. In some areas dating and going out socially has pretty much ground to a halt. If you're on your own you will be feeling it. But probably a better position to be in than someone stuck in a miserable relationship and household situation but stuck for options as about to be made redundant or whatever.

to everyone finding it all tough.

[anditgoeson]

I met my DP at 37 OP. Dont give up on hope/yourself. ❤

[Barton10]

I got divorced at 30 met DH at 36 and married 3 years later it can and does happen.

[QuestionMarkNow]

Yes Kaki.
My neighbourg is 75 this year. He got divorced not long after his 60th birthday. He now is ‘living together apart’ with a lady, has done so for a few years and is the most contented I’ve ever seen him.

[QuestionMarkNow]

I have ‘settled’ and not in a good way so my marriage is now more sharing a house with a flatmate than a marriage.
I’ve also been single.

And I agree there is something about having a ‘body’ in the house that breaks the isolation (even when it’s nit a great marriage) than you dont have when you are single. I remember clearly finding being alone like this quite depressing in a Is dont quite know what to do with myself whilst not been able to bother to do more’ iywim.

Now that I am in my 50s and I see my parents growing old, I also see how important it is for them to have someone to lean on. Children (ME!!) are not always living near by or at hand. Being with someone can make a huge difference (probably all highlighted by Covid, them needing the shield etc...).

Would I still chose to settle knowing what I know now? I don’t think so. I think I would chose being single instead.

[Kakiweewee]

My mum is dating again and she's almost sixty, she met her husband in her mid-forties after leaving my dad at the same age I am now. She was totally in love with him, but he sadly had a brain haemorrhage and then when he recovered he got brain cancer.

I fully believe she'll met someone else and be happy. I don't think age is a barrier, although worrying about age can be.

[DuckonaBike]

Witch that is very true about being single being more tiring!

OP please don’t despair. I think looking for a partner is hard because it’s a big thing in your life over which you have little control. You can try and get out there and meet people (and you should) but there is always the element of luck and just patiently waiting while it feels impossible.

It is possible though, trust me.

[CrazyToast]

People were asking me why I wasnt married with kids even when I was 23! Dont listen to these stupid ideas about what is too old and what isnt. 36 is young. You are young and vital with your whole life ahead of you.I understand feeling lonely but honestly, when you are single for a while it ALWAYS feels that it will never happen again, be you 20 or 60. That is just how it feels. Sounds like you are doing everything right. Even feeling the way you feel is understandable and normal but logically you cant write things off.

[TabiTail]

witch that is so true! I feel like I have to actively keep myself engaged in things and constantly fill my life. I can’t just rely on a night in front of the tv with a takeaway , knowing I have someone to share that with. If I have no plans then the plan is just being alone! People in couples really do not seem to get this when they say they wish they had the freedom of a single person. Maybe for a night or a weekend but try it every fucking day.

I’m glad you have found someone right for you

[Leah2005]

My DH was 39 when we met. Never had a previous relationship. He's really quiet, works in a male dominated industry and never met anyone through college, work etc. I worked with his best mate's wife and she introduced us. It does happen. I'm sorry you haven't met yours yet.

[TabiTail]

36 isn’t young though when you are very much in the minority in most places of people who have settled down

[Flupibass]

I wish you knew my friend because I think she is inspirational in her attitude towards living alone, she loves it and certainly doesn’t feel the need for a partner. She is loving, warm and very complete. When you see her you envy her and want to emulate her.

[WitchWife]

I felt like you a couple of years ago - it’s TIRING being single in a way that coupled up people can’t understand. Not just dating which is fucking wearing, but making your decisions, having to go out or host to see people, trying to “fill your life” (not to sound too tragical).

I have a lovely partner now who I hope I will stay with, it’s much fucking easier in many (not all) ways. I met him through online dating having also had many many awful or boring dates before. I spent a lot of time ignoring dating and feeling like I just hated the whole thing. It’s a phase and you’ll feel hopeful again. But you’re alllowed to feel shit too.

[TabiTail]

I don’t think I’m depressed, no. I’m very sad about being alone though. I’m not sure thats the same as depression?

I do know relationships aren’t the romantic, ‘I’m here for you,’ and ‘ let’s spend lots of happy days together with no arguments’ that is often portrayed in books and films.

I don’t feel like I’m asking the world to want to share my life with someone.

I have genuinely got to the point where I cannot for one moment imagine someone marrying me. Not because I don’t think I would be a good person to marry or some other self esteem issue, just simply because it’s been a long long time of dating so far and a couple of false starts that I did believe would turn into a future and haven’t. I just cannot envisage it anymore. Is that maybe what’s making it not happen? But then you hear people saying you need to give it up and let it go if you’re to meet someone, can’t win!

[formerbabe]

It's just a numbers game when it comes to dating. Treat it like a job search. I don't know anyone who has remained single for life except those who stopped looking. The others all met someone eventually.