Car not returned saga - continuation and family not talking.

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

I posted after my brother died, about my sister not giving back a car. In the end my parents did get it back.

There is now a new dilemma. A couple of weeks ago my parents went to my sister's house. The car broke down. My mum wanted to call the RAC (which they are members of), but my dad said it was too hot, and they'd do it the next day. So the car is parked on a grass verge, opposite her house.

Then Dsis's boyfriend googled what the problem might be, and told my dad he would fix it. Mum argued that they may as well use the RAC and get it brought home, and he agreed, then there's always been an excuse. Everyday dad would say I couldn't go over the next day as they were going to get the car (it is a few miles away), then there would be a reason they wouldn't go.

The other day my mum rang after she and dad argued over it, and she asked me to speak to dad. He said Dsis's had insisted he could do it, as he'd googled the problem. I said I thought it made more sense to at least use the breakdown service, and let them diagnose the problem, he got angry and said they don't do that (well we've used them twice this year and they have each time).

I suggested that they may want a mechanic to fix this problem at least - or if he wanted Dsis's BF to do it, then bring it home and do it in their private yard (the area he'd do it in, is on a major, busy road, and has lots of cars parked very close on the grass). Dad got angry and put the phone down on me, then phoned up to say the RAC would bring it back and his mechanic would look at it.

I have not once spoken to Dsis about this - I haven't spoken to her since the funeral.

Today mum told me Dsis and her bf had upset dad, as they are both very angry with me, and don't want to see me again. I asked why, and mum said because I told her that her bf shouldn't do the car... as I said I haven't spoken to her.

The RAC cover runs out in a few days, so I guess dad's hand is now forced.

I really don't understand why Dsis is so insistent that her bf fixes the car (he isn't a mechanic, though he is good at fixing things according to her, which surprises me as she's given me (via DP) her son's computer to fix, which I'm surprised her bf couldn't google how to do it!

I don't actually know how to address this. I'm not entirely sure why I'm the one who's caused the upset when I was trying to look out for mum & dad.

I also cannot fathom why Dsis and her bf are so dead-set against moving the car back to my parent's house, and fixing it there, why Dsis has gone hysterical at the suggestion of the RAC (mum's words).

I can't help but think the reason is that her bf is still after the car, surely someone who wanted to do a good deed would happily fix it in the owner's yard, rather than insist it stays at their house?

[AnaadiNitya]

I know you lot seem really reserved but if this was me

I’d be well aware that my relationship wasn’t never going to be back on track and I wouldn’t want it to be either. But I’d go round to the house and rip the plaster of it all and ask what the fuck is going on. If literally day everything that’s ok your mind - your mum hasn’t got dementia so to fucking drop it and that her new boyfriend isn’t going to get your brothers car.

I’d really force her hand on it

[AnaadiNitya]

I totally understand why you don’t want him to have it and I think you’ve been incredibly reserved tbh. It seems every one is scared of upsetting your system and untill one of you goes and physically takes the car back - they have got it.

How is she managing to force your mother in to selling her house?

[Sunrise234]

I’m glad your mum hasn’t got dementia. Your DSis can’t force your mum to sell her home and if the GP has confirmed this there’s no way they can do anything.

It’s good there is nothing wrong with the car so now your parents can pick it up and take it home and then they won’t ask you to take them everywhere.
Sometimes you find the more you do for people the less they appreciate it. It sounds like your DSis needs to start helping them out more.

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

My mum hasn't got dementia, the GP has confirmed this. Dsis and her bf have said she has, so they can sell mum & dad's house, sell Dsis's, then put the money together and Dmum can live in a granny annexe. My mum isn't up for this, but it's what Dsis has decided.

I will keep out of it. If Ddad needs to go anywhere, or needs anything picking up, then he'll have to ask her, not me (as happens right now), after all she has two cars of his.

The car, it transpires, has been fine for them to drive around in, I guess that's why they don't want the RAC called, because then Dsis and her bf will be exposed as liars.

[Sunrise234]

Why is there so much competition between you and your sister? It is draining to read so it must be exhausting in real life! I feel so sorry for your parents!

You and your sister need to stop this jealousy thing you have going on. If you can't get along then fine just reduce your contact with each other but stop bringing your mum and dad into all of this.
Your mum and dad have lost their son, your dad is terminally ill, your mum may have dementia, they are arguing and are on the verge of splitting up it seems and you and your sister are just constantly bickering and ringing them trying to get them on your side.

I know it's frustrating because the new partner might be an idiot but you can't do anything about it.
Why not try for the next couple of weeks to not say anything negative about the sister or her partner to them or your parents - I promise you by taking a step back you will feel so much better and your parents will appreciate you so much more.

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

@AnaadiNitya Yes, you're probably right. But I'm so angry that he tried to steal my Dbro's pride and joy before my Dbro was even dead, and when that failed, has somehow managed to get it now. Dad needs the car. They've got a car dad gave them, they've got another smaller car too, now they want this car, the one Dbro gave to my dad to make it easier for him to drive. Maybe you think I'm wrong. I just see them (or him) as money-grabbing thieves.

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

@Sunrise234 Not entirely just the car. Dsis has always got whatever she wanted from dad, Dbro used to temper that.

Dsis has been pushing for mum to be diagnosed with dementia for years.

I'm actually really sad by it all. A couple of years ago we were quite close - honestly. She never even thanked me, or even acknowledged the present for her birthday.

One example. I made a wreath for my brother's funeral. It took me over two and half days, and I obviously bought the materials myself. I wanted him to have something with his name on, and no one could afford one from the florist.

My sister claimed she'd been left out by me making the wreath. Even though she could have made one too. I also made it from us all, it was for our brother, not to be 'seen'.

She was a pallbearer. Aware of her feeling left out, I asked if she wanted to read a poem (I'd already arranged to do a reading as well). She agreed.

Later talking with my dad, about how I felt bullied by Dsis being more assertive than me, and not allowing me to go in with my son to see Dbro in the chapel of rest, dad said "well you done OK at the funeral, you told her what to do there". I was stunned. I most defintely didn't. I asked if she would like to read a poem, acutely aware of how much she'd been bemoaning being left out of everything and feeling excluded. I asked, I didn't order, or even tell her. I tried to include her. Dad can't remember as he'd left in tears, this is what she told him.

I do know from my son and Dbro's friend, that Dsis and her bf were told to stop snogging at the funeral by my dad.

She's changed and I think her bf has changed her. I think she's in for heartbreak, as she knows nothing about him, never met his friends or family, yet is letting him pay and do up her house.

[AnaadiNitya]

people act really weird after a death. Bereavement can affect people in different ways.

Bit your all fuelling this.

Ask your mum not to discuss the car with you and don’t talk to your dad about it again.

It’s a piece of mental. It’s not worth upset between you all. If your dad can’t make up his mind about what to do with it, leave it. Your mum as his wife should be only talking to him about it not continuously getting you involved.

I’d also go NC with your sister.

[Sunrise234]

Do you think you should be concentrating less on your sister and more on your mum and dad?
It sounds like they don't have a very good relationship.
It also sounds like your dad could be telling your mum different things to what he's saying to your sister.
Why would your dad say your brother committed suicide because of her? Is it literally all over a car?

[thebeatofthedrum]

I'm sorry if this has been asked before, but who is the legal owner? If it's still in your brother's name then nobody should be driving it and it should be declared SORN until legal ownership has been transferred over.

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

@Sunrise234 because they are about 10 miles away, and there is no way for mum to get there, now my dad has told us (neither of us knew before) that the car is in their driveway, so enclosed by gates anyway, so the RAC wouldn't be able to find it.

[Aquamarine1029]

You need to take a massive step back from ALL of this. Stop answering their calls because you are only fueling the fire.

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

So things have taken a more 'sinister' turn.

My mum phoned up crying, my dad told her my brother committed suicide because of her.....she is literally hysterical right now.

Dad spoke to me about Dsis and I said (truthfully) that I hadn't spoken to her.

I said let the bf fix the car, but why not bring it home, where it will be private, rather than a grass verge - it is only in their drive now!!!

So the car wouldn't start, but they managed to get it across a busy road and into their drive.

Dsis and bf also collected a cooker last week, dad said they went in her little car (like a ford focus), I said don't be daft, they used your broken down car for it!

I told my mum when they still had the car to cancel bf's insurance to drive on it.

[Sunrise234]

Definitely hasn't given it to her - mum is the on who is paying the insurance for it, not dad, and she is incredibly angry with him.

As a PP has said if your mum is paying for the insurance, why isn't she ringing up the RAC herself?

Is it actually wrong to claim benefits as a single person if someone moves in? I've tried to tell Dsis repeatedly it is, but she won't listen.

Yes it is but she will be found out and have to deal with the consequences. It's nothing to do with you so stay out of it. You actually get more benefits if you have two adults living there so she is being silly to herself.

Not sure what to do with the computer. Don't want to be nasty to my nephew, but part of me can't see why you'd give it someone who can fix it, when you're happy to try to fix a car with no mechanic knowledge

A car and computer is completely different but it sounds like the sister wants the car so she might be hoping if she gets it fixed they can keep it or something. Sort the computer out and then give it back to your nephew because he has done nothing wrong.

[AnaadiNitya]

Why isn’t your mum just ringing the RAC?

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

@Sunrise234 Definitely hasn't given it to her - mum is the on who is paying the insurance for it, not dad, and she is incredibly angry with him.

Is it actually wrong to claim benefits as a single person if someone moves in? I've tried to tell Dsis repeatedly it is, but she won't listen.

Not sure what to do with the computer. Don't want to be nasty to my nephew, but part of me can't see why you'd give it someone who can fix it, when you're happy to try to fix a car with no mechanic knowledge

[AnaadiNitya]

If your mum is certain that he wants the car why isn’t she just phoning the RAC? Why isn’t she saying ‘no that’s sons car? Im taking it back?’

I think your mum is making matters worse here. She is saying things to you but acting totally different when your not there. And I think your dad would be happy to let them have the car tbh.

[AnaadiNitya]

So has the car been fixed or are they expecting your dad to buy the bits?

I remember your first thread.

[Sunrise234]

Are you sure your dad hasn't given the car to your sister? It seems odd that he wouldn't call the RAC then and there or any day since then.

[Aquamarine1029]

Ffs, why are you involving yourself in all this drama? Let your parents decide what they want to do and stay out of it. Refuse to be dragged into the middle of this nonsense.

[RoseTintedAtuin]

I understand your frustration and the sentimental value of the car (read previous post) and the pressure you feel (with grief and illness in family) but... you need to step back and prioritise.
Your relationship with your ill father and reducing the stress on your mother (and yourself) is more important than the car or being in the right.
LC with your sis but apologise to your father regardless of there being no fault. It seems a lot of this is displaced anger due to grief and it just isn’t worth it as it prevents you helping each other through it.

As for the car I would be suspicious it “broke down” and would question whether bf had tampered with it so that he could get keys etc. Which would explain why they don’t want someone else looking at it... regardless though the deed is done and now it’s best to focus on keeping your dad happy and you all stress free (as far as possible).

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

Thank you all

@RandomMess - yep, that's precisely what my mum thinks.

[RandomMess]

Basically DSis boyfriend wants the car long and short of it.

[ThaGugaBlasta]

I can understand all the reasons you feel like this, but you can't argue with stupid.

The best thing you can do is to step back and let it wash over you, somehow. Your brother wouldn't want you to be torn apart in the middle for the sake of a car.

[Sunrise234]

Honestly I get you love and are worried about your parents but this stress is not good for anyone - especially if your dad is terminally ill!

Stop bickering over a car. If you think they're being manipulated then you can say but then leave them to it. It is obvious you love and miss your brother but your priority right now needs to be your dad - if that means getting along with your sister or her partner then just do it.