Really struggling to forgive my mum for this

[QuestionableMouse]

Last wed, my uni held an online celebration for graduation. I had a nice day in mind ordered some food and invited my close family.

My mum ruined it all so badly I ended up having a anxiety attack, worrying I had corona virus and spending two days in bed.

Basically she turned up in an absolutely foul mood, made some really horrible comments because I'd ordered sandwiches and such rather than making my own and just generally being awful. It was so bad I threw them out and rang my sister to cancel. She honestly made me feel worthless, all over a few trays of party food.

I really can't forgive her. I'd been looking forward to a proper graduation and been robbed of that then due to her actions didn't even got to celebrate at all.

She had another go at me this morning (because I ordered shopping online for my own home!) so I hung up on her and the way I feel currently, I never want to speak to her again. I'm sick to death of her horrible attitude and the constant fucking moaning she does. Yes she unwell but she let's that rule her and uses it as an excuse for her bad behaviour.

She thinks I'm being childish but I'm just so fucking fed up with her. She's worn me down to the point of having constant anxiety - I'm actually considering medication for it because it's having such an impact on me.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. You don't need to reply - I needed a vent more than anything!

[QuestionableMouse]

@MrsJBaptiste

I'm not normally this observant (and may be totally wrong) but did your get a First in your degree *@QuestionableMouse*?

Yes I did.

Thank you all. You've given me a lot to think about.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Huge congratulations, @QuestionableMouse - that is an amazing achievement!

The very least you deserved was your nearest and dearest celebrating wholeheartedly with you, and your mum was a complete mare to deprive you of this. I don’t think there is any excuse for what she did.

Have some (kinda looks like a bottle of champagne) and from me!

[Sorryusernamealreadyexists]

My mum used to do things like this, for example when I told her I was expecting my second child she said “oh are you copying your friend?” I was speechless and heartbroken. This is one of many many things I’ll never forgive her for. We’ve been NC for 7 years now

[Comtesse]

A first??? Hold crap well done!

And she pulled that stunt? What a utter cow! You should get a medal for getting that first, not your mum behaving like an arse. She’ll be lucky if you ever speak to her again. Screw her!

[Sorryusernamealreadyexists]

PS sending you hugs, you did not deserve to be treated like this

[Onestepup]

Congratulations on your graduation. You need to set some firm barriers with your mum. If she criticises you then you can change the subject, end the conversation, or tell her to butt out. E.g. Tell her if she doesn't like shopping online then she doesn't have to do so, but how you shop is none of her concern. Or if she wants a home made sandwich she can bring her own next time. Read books on assertiveness and see her on your own terms.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Congratulations on a marvellous result!
As for your mother, just block her. Change your SIM, get her key back if she has one. Doubtless she'll scream the place down. I can tell you that SSRIs, and perhaps a Valium make people bearable. Just stand there going "whatever" for a minute, then shut the door on her.

It's an odd thing, but adult children often have to discipline their parents. A cough sufficed for DF, but DM...de motuis nil nisi bonum. DD corrects our grandparenting, and sometimes my grooming.

[Guineapigbridge]

My MIL is a bitch like this. She HATES it when people celebrate themselves and she can't BEAR IT if they find ways to make their own lives easier. She's happiest (and sometimes gleeful) if people who used to be successful are taken down a notch or two. So we get all the snide remarks about anything to do with parties, cleaners, caterers, nannies, studying, media interviews etc. We ignore her now, her problem not ours.

[EvilHerbivore]

Mine also ruined my graduation- whined and bitched all day like it was me who'd planned the whole day to inconvenience her and not the university who were trying to get 2000 people in, sat down, on stage and out again in the most orderly fashion

She also bitched about online shopping - said it was actual child abuse that I didn't take my newborn baby and 2 year old to the supermarket at the other side of town and back, on my own, on public transport as then they'll never learn where food comes from....

We're NC now, sometimes it's just not worth the level of stress in your life

[Mrskeats]

Well done op! My daughter got a first today too and I know how much work it is to achieve that!
As for your mother maybe there is some jealousy there?
I don't go with the blood is thicker than water thing. If this relationship is making you unhappy to need to step away from it.

[bakewelltarty]

Sorry I'm not sure how old you are but was your mum helping you out with money throughout your studying? Could this be why she worries about how much you're spending?

[QuestionableMouse]

I had no financial help from her at all. I'm a mature student and work so paid for everything myself. Also part if the reason I shop online is because it helps me budget better.

[Durgasarrow]

Your mother was very rude and that was not okay.

[chatwoo]

Congrats on your degree and doing so well (+ props to going to Uni as a mature student!). Sorry your Mum has put such a downer on your celebrations... can you do something without her? Drinks or a nice dinner with friends?

Also, is she always like this, or this was totally out of the blue?

[theendoftheworldasweknowit]

Mine ruined my graduation too. TBH, I can't remember what we fought about, just that we fought. Bitterly. All day.

I've forgiven her because I have a good relationship with her generally, but it doesn't sound like this was an isolated incident for you?

And bloody hell, a first! You need a replacement celebration, without anyone who will drag you down. It might not be a live stream of your graduation ceremony, but that doesn't matter. It just has to be a celebration of you.

[Pixxie7]

Let it go for your own sake, your results are excellent well done. She should be so proud of you, but make it her problem. Celebrate with you friends and other members of your family.

[Happynow001]

Congratulations on your First, @QuestionableMouse!! ⭐️ I really applaud you for putting in all the planning and hard work this must have taken - and financing it yourself.

As for Online shopping - I actually find this easier, quicker and more cost effective than browsing the aisles and buying what I need rather than things I really just fancy - usually something pricey. My mother (86), now she's got her head around it, really appreciates it too (I did her grocery/household shopping during the worse of Covid) and will again for the winter.

[Phillymouse]

Remember you don't have to listen to your mother.

Do your own thing

Ignore her

[TheWindOnTheMoon]

My late dad and step mother ruined my wedding and reception. He rolled up drunk (as usual) and upset & offended DH's family. My MIL has never forgiven me and has been a total bitch to me ever since. Haven't been able to see her for 3 years (just can't take any more). Families eh?

Congratulations for your graduation 🎊. Don't let families get to you. Frequently we need to back away to give ourselves headspace from the toxicity.

[Valkadin]

Well done, does she have to make everything about her?

My Mother lost her glasses at my graduation i spent ages ringing security after we got back from the restaurant. She went on about it at the dinner. It turned out they were in her bag after all. On reflection at every single event in my life and that of my sisters something happened so she was the centre of attention. That was one of her mild attention seeking things.

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Could it be because she thinks not making the sandwiches yourself means you think it's below you? I mind a friend employed my DP to now her lawn but had to hide it from her DH as he would have been horrified at the thought of hiring someone to do it in a 'what would the neighbours think?' kind of way.

[planningaheadtoday]

You've done so well! Congratulations.

You are not your mother, you do not owe your mother an explanation, you do not have to accommodate her or her views.

You've worked hard and you deserve some respect and support. With Covid our young people are being denied the usual graduation ceremonies, and it becomes important to celebrate and mark the occasion.

Is she normally this negative? I think her behaviour is dreadful.

Celebrate with your sister! Surround yourself with positivity and let your mum wallow on her own.

My friend has a great way of dealing with people like this, it surprised me but it works.
He stands up, gets his coat and leaves. He never confronts or calls them out. He just votes with his feet. If he's at home he moves away to a different part of the house. Every time. It's a real conversation stopper as they can't be nasty or make snide comments to someone who isn't there.

[MrsJBaptiste]

@QuestionableMouse I thought so! That’s absolutely amazing, I could have only dreamed of a First…

I asked the question because this makes your mum seem even worse. It should have been such a celebration and she just ruined it for you. If this were a one-off, I’d be inclined to seethe but let it go (at some point) but if this is how she often acts then she needs to know that this isn’t acceptable. Has anyone ever called her out on her shitty behaviour?

Maybe significantly reducing contact will make her think about her actions? It sounds like it would definitely do you good