I'm so hurt by what my son said to me.

[Megatron]

He's 16. It's been a shit few months for him with lockdown, unable to do GCSE's and see his friends until recently etc. He has an up and down relationship with DH (his dad) and can be cheeky (usual stuff for his age), DH reacts and they argue. It's not awful but I feel a bit like a referee sometimes trying to keep everyone happy. DS doesn't like to take responsibility for just about anything and sees any conversation as 'having a go a him'.

I've always felt we have a really good relationship, we get on well, we talk about stuff (though he finds that more difficult now as he gets older). I know he finds things tricky at the moment so tried to talk to him this morning about how he was feeling and if he was OK. One of his friends told me last week that he was a bit worried about him which is what prompted this.

He said he wanted to talk but then just sat there. I said something along he lines of 'if there's anything on your mind you know you can talk to me, I've always thought we have a good relationship and can talk'.

He said 'Do we, I don't think it's as good as you seem to think it is'. I asked him what he meant and he said he couldn't put it into words but we don't get on as well as I think.

I am so hurt. I feel like I've just been landed with this statement with no explanation or reason. I try really hard to be mindful of his age and I know it's a difficult one but I feel a bit blindsided by this. If anyone had asked me what my relationship with him was like I could have said really good, we have our moments but we get on really well. Now I find out that he doesn't think our relationship is that great and I feel like a totally crap mum. It probably sounds trivial but I really am hurt.

[Megatron]

I think having teens is the worst for thinking you’re doing ok and then being plunged into “I’m a crap mum” moments

Oh god, this is so true.

[VenusTiger]

he's the quiet one so he probably overthinks things and catastrophises things, am I right @Megatron - I think I have this to come, as my little boy overthinks things all the time and he's only 7 - some of the things he comes out with sometimes (he's his own judge and jury) are like he's been possessed by an old man!
tbh, I think your DS was riddling you a little - he was saying that you don't know the half of it mom, as I keep so much from you and dad - and that's pretty standard when you're a teenager tbh. I would shake his comment off if you can, I don't think he meant it in a demeaning way, I think he was just trying to say, he's his own person and doesn't have to or want to tell you every little thing, but right now he probably wants some advice on a matter he can't explain as it will mean going over a whole lot of other stuff he wants to keep to himself.
Remind him how ace he is and how lovely the weather is today to take the focus off him, or he'll feel stifled and keep things even closer to his chest, that kind of thing, without delving too much. Good luck OP and you sound like you're on top of things.

[bluebird243]

I think at this time on their lives teenagers are trying to establish their independence and identity but do it in clumsy ways, say things which hurt but aren't meant to, do thoughtless things without thinking of the impact on others.

When my eldest son was at this stage I can't quite remember what he said but I remember saying: 'look I'm a 38year old mother of 2 with a job and a mortgage, bills etc so you don't know what life has been like for me or how it is for me now...and you are a 16 year old boy who goes to secondary school, thinking about exams, future job, fitting in with friends etc. etc. and i have never been a 16 year old boy so I don't know what that is like, how can I? And i don't pretend to. I only know that there are things you want to keep to yourself, things you need friends for, that you will be out more than you are in doing things you like. I am not your friend i am your mother. I love you and care for you and always will....and you belong here. This is your home, this your family and it may not be perfect or the one you want but it's always here. We share the same house so lets just live our lives and get along until you find a place of your own whenever you are ready'.'

He was fine with that. I let him feel seperate, acknowledged that he was maturing and the needs of his personality and that he didn't want me stunting him. No problems with him once he realised he had his autonomy. [Now a 40 something father of 2...]

I'm sure your son just didn't say what he meant in the right way, nor did he intend to hurt you. You are not a crap mum but maybe taking it all too much to heart..

[Coyoacan]

You have my sympathy, OP, but my take on his comment is that to really have a close relationship, he should be able to tell you the truth, even if it is hurtful.

It is easy to have a close relationship when there is no need to say something that could hurt the other person, but when that need arises... as it will, within any family.

[SummerCherry]

Honestly I’d take this as a positive - he’s communicating with you. He’s telling you that he doesn’t feel that he can talk to you - and you haven’t got as good a relationship as you think...

...this is really positive - he’s telling you and now is the time that you can reconnect. So please don’t shut him down - show him that you are strong enough as a Mum to take it on the chin. I would take him out for a walk or drive in the car - something where you are ‘alongside’ rather than just staring at each other in the face - and then tell him that you are sorry that he feels you don’t have as good a relationship. Don’t be defensive, just let it lie. Tell him that you want to have a better relationship. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to talk now, that you are there anytime. Tell him that you value him as a person and then say some good things about him - tell him about some positive traits you notice.

Then keep doing this - as in - keep seeing if he will open up a bit - treat him - take him out and buy a donut or a coffee together and sit in the car or have a stroll or whatever - or get him to help make his favourite dinner with you and have a chat that way.

Don’t give up on him. He obviously needs you and has been having a really rough time.

[Thecurtainsofdestiny]

My son pushed me away about this age. It was just part of separating from mum and establishing his own identity. He came back later.

I think it's just part of developing as a person. It does hurt though! I found it was best to stay very steady and constant while he went through the turmoil of the teenage years.

[Dozer]

Could he perhaps think that your H is U and that you prioritise DH over him?

[SummerCherry]

Dozer might be right. I think you either have to completely stay out of his and his Dads arguments - or intervene not by ‘being in the middle’ but by telling BOTH of them that the way that they are communicating is not helpful. And as your DH is the adult - it’s up to him to be the grown up.

Maybe your DH is really picking on him and your DS feels rubbish and ganged up on?

[diddl]

@Dozer

Could he perhaps think that your H is U and that you prioritise DH over him?

I did also wonder that.

Maybe your husband needs to stop reacting & you can stop refereeing?

I could also be that he's conflicted about turning to mum about stuff at 16?

[Worstemailever]

It sounds to me like he's unfairly leveled this accusation at you because you have failed to read his mind. However, it seems clear that he is unhappy and bottling up his feelings and has very little sense of how to communicate them with you. He sounds frustrated because he wants you to know what's going on, without him having to go through the effort or potential awkwardness of having to explain it. Keep calm. Perhaps try to do something that helps address his feelings/acts as a distraction. I.e. plan something that he enjoys doing to try and cheer him up before attempting a deeper conversation.

[Megatron]

Could he perhaps think that your H is U and that you prioritise DH over him?

No I'm certain it's not this. If anything it's the opposite because I think DH is being unfair and too harsh sometimes. I don't interfere in that I get involved in their arguments as such but I seem to be forever trying to steady the waters and keep everything on an even keel. It's exhausting to be honest.

[LonginesPrime]

Now I find out that he doesn't think our relationship is that great and I feel like a totally crap mum.

It doesn't sound like he was having a dig at you, OP.

My interpretation of what he said would be "if our relationship's so great, why can't I bring myself to tell you what's actually bothering me and why have I been sitting here for ages unable to get the words out and/or worrying about your reaction?".

As PPs have said (and you've acknowledged), it's not about you or the quality of your relationship, so ditch the quality control angle and focus on supporting him and letting him know you're there for him no matter what and that he can talk to you whenever he's ready, on his terms.

Then stop asking him about it, give him some leeway generally as you know there's something wrong (despite not knowing what) and invite him to spend some quality time with you doing things he enjoys (he might not want to, but it's the thought that counts). He'll open up when he's ready.

[PicsInRed]

@Megatron

Could he perhaps think that your H is U and that you prioritise DH over him?

No I'm certain it's not this. If anything it's the opposite because I think DH is being unfair and too harsh sometimes. I don't interfere in that I get involved in their arguments as such but I seem to be forever trying to steady the waters and keep everything on an even keel. It's exhausting to be honest.

OP this was my first thought too.

Your husband is overly harsh on your son and you dont protect your son, staying out of it. "I don't interfere". Its not interfering. Its protecting your child.

My sense is that your son's relationship with his father is broken and yours is going the same way as you have allowed your son to be bullied in his own home by his own father.

Is your husband a bully? What would he do if you told him to back off your son and be kinder? Would he be concerned that someone had expressed concern about your mutual son's wellbeing, or would be simply be angry at being told what to do?

[InFiveMins]

Ask him to go on a walk with you. it might help him to open up. do it regularly, will be good for you and encourage talking.

[CrazyToast]

Hmm this sounds like a really typical teen thing to say. It fits in with 'you dont know me you dont understand me no one understands me cos me and my woes are special'.

[Megatron]

My sense is that your son's relationship with his father is broken and yours is going the same way as you have allowed your son to be bullied in his own home by his own father.

Fuck right off @PicsInRed. You're so far off the mark it's embarrassing. DH can be a twat when he reacts and they have stupid arguments sometimes but he's in no way a bully. If he was his arse would be out the door. I would never allow my son to be bullied and I won't be bullied on here either by you making stuff up. So your 'sense' is bollocks.

[josieb81]

I thought I had a good relationship with my 15 year old son but after his dad said he wanted to divorce me, my son said he was only friendly out of necessity, that I was over-emotional, wrong all the time and strange !

[FunTimes2020]

@josieb81 how is your relationship with your DS now? Teenagers can be so thoughtless sometimes! One day he will be mortified by what his younger self said.

[josieb81]

He doesn't seem to want to do anything with me - even watch a film. Perhaps we have nothing in common. he is at least civil & polite. I hope you are right and he does want some sort of relationship.

[OhTinnitus]

You sound like a good mum, OP. I think if his friend has suggested that there is something concerning going on, then you need to Investigate further.

Apologies, I'm not a parent so I can't really advise from that side of things, but I just wanted to give the point of view of someone who was a 'troubled' teenager and felt very distant from my mum.
One of the things I struggled with was when I tried to talk to her, the fact that she took everything I said so personally, made it very difficult to be honest. I think if you could stomach allowing him to be completely honest with you and not reacting with guilt (which seems like blame to a teenager), you may be able to find out what is really going on with him and help tackle that.

My mother didn't really want to know what was wrong with me, so she didn't ask enough questions or dig further, she just wanted me to stop hurting, but without illuminating the actual cause (which was things she had done). But that's another story and not your situation by the sound of it. I just thought it might help to allow him to be completely honest without it seeming like you are making it about you (I'm not suggesting that you are doing that, just that it might seem that way to him if he is very self absorbed in his pain as teenagers often are).

[Lightsontbut]

This made me think about an interaction with my mother who I had a somewhat difficult relationship with. When her mother was dieing, we were both with her. My mum and I went to get dinner and she was talking about her relationship with her mother and the struggles they'd had over the years. Then she said to me "but we're close aren't we?". Such a horrible position for me to be in. We weren't close and she was a very difficult woman in some ways who often seemed very disinterested in me. But I could not answer that at that particular time. I think you should never lightly judge the quality of a relationship and actually it takes two to decide together what the relationship is really 'like'. You didn't mean to but I think maybe you put your son in quite a difficult position. I'd take him at face value and when the time's right ask what might make the relationship feel better for him. It's hurtful to know that your assumptions are not shared but you could use it to build an even stronger future with your son. He's not saying he hates you just that he thinks there is room for improvement perhaps?

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

OP I’m not doubting your intentions but I don’t think this conversation was handled amazingly well. As others have highlighted, your focus seems to be more on defending your role than understanding what he is feeling, or what you can do to help. I think when you go in to a conversation telling someone how good your relationship is, it doesn’t set a scene for an honest conversation about aspects of his life you don’t know about. If a friend of his has expressed there are issues here, I would take that as a very big deal. His reaction clealry shows he is going through some issues with mental health, and he needs to feel like you’re genuinely listening not trying to say how great a mother you are. Nobody gets things perfect and that’s fine, but it’s not helpful to tell him what a good relationship you have when he’s clearly struggling to share his issues—it will make him feel like you’re not infested in actually hearing.

Your focus on his comment, and your later comments about wanting to tell him he’s an ungrateful little sod, tbh suggest that your reaction to hearing about his struggles might not have been as supportive as he would need. Telling him what a good relationship you have, and him worrying about this sort of reaction from you, makes it sound more like you’re trying to shut down the issue rather than genuinely understand.

There are clealry also issues with his father that are no doubt affecting him too. Your response of excessive defensiveness of his father on this thread does suggest you might not be as supportive of your son in this regard as you think. If he’s upset in your home and has his dad blowing up at I’m, i don’t think you should be staying out of it.

[Hermanfromguesswho]

It sounds to me that you could have misunderstood him. He may well mean ‘we can’t have as good a relationship as you think we do because you don’t know/haven’t spotted how bad I’m feeling/that something is wrong’. I wouldn’t take a step back. I’d be there for him and look out more for what’s troubling him. Maybe talk in the car (easier when there’s no eye contact) and say to him that you’ve been thinking and you realise you aren’t as close as you used to be because you’ve obviously missed that he’s been struggling a bit. That you’re sorry ahd want to be thrrr and support him as much as he needs and see if he opens up a bit?

[2bazookas]

I'm afraid he told you the exact truth.

You have an imaginary idea of how well you communicate, your technique is all wrong. You demonstrated that to him (and us) with this . you sat him down and

. I said something along he lines of 'if there's anything on your mind you know you can talk to me, I've always thought we have a good relationship and can talk'.

That is NOT the way to get a troubled person to open up. It's putting pressure and responsibility on them to explain something they may be too confused, insecure, weighed down, to put into words. In effect, it says "tell me what's wrong with you". It assumes, he has a far more mature, sophisticated and insightful self awareness than is usual in most 16 yr olds.

Then when he (predictably) can't satisfy those demands, you get all hurt , frustrated, diappointed. So now he's failed to please a parent, again.

As children grow into adults, parents have to adapt their tactics accordingly. A hug and an icecream won't solve their dramas any more. Nor does "Tell me what happened at school today ". "Nothing".
" What's up? Talk to me" (looks away, silence).
"I can see somethings up, just tell me " (slams out).
BTDTGTT.

Try taking him for a long walk, or digging the garden together, play monopoly, anything where there is some other focus of attention which can cover any gaps in conversation. Don't ask questions, wait.

[Sara2000]

Parenting teens is like a rollercoaster. I think I'd go back to him and say you're concerned about him and here if he wants to talk and then step back. Maybe make his favourite meal and cut him some slack to see if that gets him to open up.Part of growing up is working how to deal with problems which includes who you choose to share those with.

My DD is 15 and has anxiety which has got significantly worse during lockdown. I have been on the receiving end of some awful comments. . Its all part of her anxiety. These are tough times. Private counselling has helped enormously so maybe keep that in the back of your mind.

Ds aged 12 summed it up the other day when he told me loved me but just didn't want anyone to know that. . Its a strange adjustment for us all as they pull away, we have to let go. It is no surprise that hurt and poorly thought out comments come along with that process as the relationship evolves from child to adult to two adults. for you OP. Teens suck sometimes.