I did it. I cut them off

[HouchinBawbags]

Bit of background. I'm the black sheep. No real reason. I just am. I'm chatty, not career minded ;m(I'm a SAHM but not a penny in benefits if that counts at all) and sensitive whereas my family are.... different.

Dad is hard and can be nasty. He lives 300 miles away so not a huge issue there. I keep in touch, he acts annoyed, I get upset, he acts like I'm pathetic, and I still punish myself by attempting to make contact.
It's a bit different now as he is dying so he's less mean and is more willing to make conversation with me while we both have the chance. He has never approved of me but I've always sought his affection and approval. That's on me.

Mum is a complete narcissist who despite living 5 minutes away has never once popped over to see me or the grandkids even though she's in and out if my village all day long for anything from shopping to picking up takeaways. She takes no interest in anything but her, her DH, her friends and her real passion, her ponies. Fine. I hold my tongue when she posts those million -all for show- stupid FB memes about "if your grandkids mean the world to you...." shite.

DSis is just plain old nasty. Scathing and rude. (Every time we speak I envisage Nanny Plum and her "don't give a shit if I offend you" attitude). She's a put downer. Acts like every time I reach out to have a familial relationship I'm just annoying her and inconveniencing her. She still expects the phone calls and contact but will make me feel like shit every time I do.

So....I've done it.

My FB is deactivated and DSis's number blocked. I'm no longer chasing mum and I'll reduce calling dad to once a week until he passes.

I have my own family with my loving husband and fucking awesome three kids. I don't need to try and keep up a relationship with people who make no effort keeping one with me.

Wish me luck, guys. I need to be strong and not slip back into my old ways of contacting "family". It's doing terrible things to my self-worth.

[HouchinBawbags]

I've unblocked DSis as niece is wanting to come for a visit with me (a week with me was mentioned a while ago and We live 200 miles away in Scotland) and of course we'd need open contact lines.

DSis hasn't called me but mum has. Mum said DSis was thinking I've fallen out with her because she goes straight to voicemail and mum had said, "I don't want to get involved" and told me I needed to call her.
Whatever. I haven't bothered. It's been nice and quiet.

Mum has been on at me to call her as if I'm being unreasonable. Her reasoning is, "I know she's nasty and can be a bitch, she's like that with me, but you need to phone her. I'm not wanting to be in the middle of this. How do you think this makes me feel? Don't you care how this fall out is affecting me?!"

So it's dads birthday tomorrow. He's not got long left and it's guaranteed to be his last ever birthday so my eldest DD thought that getting all the grandkids to send him a card each with a personal heartfelt message would be good. My 3 have written theirs and mailed them. I phoned Sis this morning to ask her if she would like to get her kids to do the same. I was perfectly polite.

All I got was a bad snippy attitude, tuts and rudeness. And she wonders why I'm not taking her calls?!

So at least I got a reminder why we don't need to speak any more.

[FrenchBoule]

Seeing as you’re capable of calling your dad I presume she could do it as well instead of calling you and “having a go”.

Good luck OP, I’m 3 years down the line and after initial kick off the peace is wonderful.The expectations and dramas are gone. Bliss.

[DanniArthur]

Good for you OP! I bet it feels like weight off your shoulders cutting them off. I cut off my toxic family just over 2 years ago whilst pregnant with my DD and have never looked back. Stay strong and concentrate on your own little family x

[PennyReadings]

Good on ya Op!
My going NC feels like I'm looking after that little girl I once was, I'm on her side defending her corner.
And that has given me so much strength in mind and sense of ease, the childhood distress was hidden deep and was blocking me from growing up.

[1forAll74]

Yes,good for you, You can only do so much for people, but if nothing is ever reciprocated,then it's time to opt out, despite it being family. It will be good to be free from all the hassle.

[HouchinBawbags]

@EscapeTheCastle

I respect and admire your plan. My only thoughts are maybe don't block your sister at the moment. I think keeping the line open for communication right now is practical. I am worried you might miss something crucial and this might escalate matters.

Obv, screen her calls. In future reevaluate the need to block.

I've considered this. When she managed to call through I did answer because of this event with dad.

Big mistake. She has called back. She asked how he was this week with me and I said fine, just slightly maudlin on one night saying he regrets being a bad dad. She asked what I said in reply. I said of course he wasn't a bad dad etc.

So she then factually informed me that he is astute and was obviously picking up on something I clearly have said to him and I must have given him the impression that he was a crap dad and... well that's where I just ended the call. He's dying of cancer. He's going to go through emotional shit and my sister still tries to make anything she can a dig at me and a put down.

She can contact me through my husband now. No calls will be answered.

[HouchinBawbags]

@RosieLemonade

No idea why you felt the need to mention benefits? Does that make some one “less” than you?

Hey my sister found the post! 😂

In case you missed the whole sodding point of it, it was to emphasise that there is no real reason for my family to be the way they are with me. Being on benefits could possibly be a factor and it's not.

[EscapeTheCastle]

I respect and admire your plan. My only thoughts are maybe don't block your sister at the moment. I think keeping the line open for communication right now is practical. I am worried you might miss something crucial and this might escalate matters.

Obv, screen her calls. In future reevaluate the need to block.

[Idontlikewednesdays]

Cutting my parents and sister out of my life was the best decision I ever made. My mental health and self worth have been great since then. 13 years ago and I’ve never looked back. I’m pleased for you OP. 💐

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

Tbh if your dad's dying I'd hold off blocking until that's over. Guilt can last a long time and believe me regret can come back to haunt you.

I'd keep things civil, don't engage any further than you need to and be brisk but polite.

Then when the funerals over you can go from there. You'll already have your boundaries in place so it needn't be too dramatic.

[RosieLemonade]

No idea why you felt the need to mention benefits? Does that make some one “less” than you?

[HouchinBawbags]

And yep, she was snippy and rude on that call even through there was absolutely no need at all for it. She could have just asked how dad was and what happened instead of having a go at me needing to tell her xx info and xx info.

As far as she knows I've not even gone LC or NC with her yet so certainly no cause to be barking horribly at me over the phone.

[HouchinBawbags]

Argh! Bloody iPhone. I've blocked Sister and she managed to call? Admittedly she needed to because dad's just been taken to hospital and it was important but why the hell is my mobile against me? Now I need to google why she can still get through.

[RedWine123]

Best of luck to you, op! X

[rosiethehen]

Honestly, you've done the right thing and you will feel better.

I cut my abusive mother off years ago, and my brother and his awful wife went next. It was totally worth it. Life is too short to spend time on toxic family members.

[UncleHerbie]

Well done. That's a mighty weight off your back. Enjoy your liberation 💐

[PoodlesOnPatrol]

I have no advice to give but for what’s its worth I haven’t spoken to my family in 17 years, I was sick of being the one who’s good enough when times are tough but I don’t see anyone when things are going good for them and tough for me. What I would like to know is what does DSis mean? I know it’s probably obvious but I have no idea 😂

[Gamble66]

Could you occasionally pop in and update this thread? I think it would be very supportive for people struggling to do the same thing and your bravery and courage will inspire them x

[SandMason]

Just keep in mind it’s about protecting yourself emotionally (which you have every right to do and which only you can judge how best to do it) rather than anything they may or may not have done. Otherwise you may find yourself going back and forth in your head about whether or not they ‘deserved’ to be cut off and whether you’re a terrible person for doing so. It’s not about what they deserve, it’s about what you deserve, which is peace. I hope you get it.

[HouchinBawbags]

Thanks all. I'm still going to be keeping in touch with dad. Times running out fast and I'll regret not doing so. He's much better than he was and I think it's because he knows I need it. I still probably don't meet his expectations but that's fine. I quit trying to earn his respect when, funnily enough, I learned he was a Trump supporter. Honestly. Something that daft made my view of him change. I figured that the image of a man I needed to look up to was actually my error.

DSis can just piss off though. I don't know why I chase a relationship with her. She has my niece and nephew but sadly niece has picked up some of DSis's attitude and can be quite cutting despite only being 10. (Again, speaking like an even ruder Nanny Plum). I'll still send the DNs gifts and cards and I won't ignore any calls from niece but I'm not making effort with her mum. Tbh I wonder if DSis will even realise her number is blocked.

[IndieRo]

Good for you. I'm in a similar position. I've decided I'm not getting in touch with certain family members anymore. It's been a week and I'm happier and calmer already. I'm just focusing on myself, DH and my three dc. I remember my fil once saying that you need to treat some people like mushrooms, keep them in the dark and feed them shit. Lol.

[Mmsnet101]

Good for you! I've done it and it's hard to feel like your the bad, /UR one now and every now and again you might get the urge to try again with them, but just remind yourself of how you feel now and think of what you are really missing with them. It can be easy to romanticise things in hindsight but it's unlikely they'll ever change.

Good luck OP and it sounds like you have a wonderful family in your DH and DC to support you

[altiara]

Good luck!

[MilsonNotWilson]

Well done, pop over to the stately homes thread on relationships for people who have experienced similar

[pinksmileysticker]

Well done. We've have chronic toxicity both sides and have experienced ten years of freedom from them. Our lives have been so much happier and stress free since going totally NC. You will experience guilt and possibly painful isolation. People will tell you family is everything but having those relationships just to sully those feelings isn't worth the price of the detriment of mental health.

You will also start to realise that a lot of people suffer the same way but we all have to put a front on of 'happy families'. We tried all routes of reconciliation but failed.