My DD was told off for using disabled toilet today

[Thenthatsthatthen]

I need to vent!
Eldest DD 24yo, but looks much younger, maybe around 17-18yo, suffers from ulcerative colitis (has had 3 hospital admissions for it this years and surgery is being considered). She really hates using disabled toilets, to the point she will avoid going out during a flare up, but obviously sometimes it’s unavoidable. Today whilst in Tesco she needed to use the disabled toilet, she keeps a radar key& can’t wait card on her at all times just in case. On the way out a lady waiting outside started to shout at her telling her she should be ashamed of herself, she’s clearly not disabled, to lazy to que for the toilet etc. DD explained she has an IBD and the lady was shouting liar, fat bitches don’t get IBD (new news to me), you teenagers are so entitled these days until a staff member came and asked the lady to leave DD alone. DD left her shopping and called me in tears from the car park. It breaks my heart that I can’t go round to hers and give her a hug (shes 200miles away sadly) and more importantly that some people are so closed minded and uneducated. What gives anyone the right to make such assumptions of anyone.

Please please remember not all disabilities are visible, DD finds it hard enough as it is and situations like this make it so much harder for her

[ArriettyJones]

On the way out a lady waiting outside started to shout at her telling her she should be ashamed of herself, she’s clearly not disabled, to lazy to que for the toilet etc. DD explained she has an IBD and the lady was shouting liar, fat bitches don’t get IBD

Maybe she needs to change supermarket? It sounds like a really tough place. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed anything like that in a supermarket or shop or mall and I’m more than 20 years older than your DD.

I haven’t ever seen a full blown row over a disabled parking space or loo, come to think of it, and I use both all the time.

[Plumpi]

@viques just ignorant. Not trying to be nasty! Parking spaces is obvious, because people with disabilities need them. But toilets I can't see it because if nobody is waiting, where is the harm? Or if someone with a disability came along in the meantime, it would be a minute or two at most that they would wait.

[onlyreadingneverposting8]

Sympathy- our eldest son (17yrs) has UC (only dx in January) and won't go out atm because he has a flare going on and might have to rush to a toilet. People are ignorant.

[breakfastclubb]

I’m so sorry this happened. I used disabled toilets before the pandemic and I don’t look disabled either - but then, lots of people don’t.

I haven’t had this issue with a toilet but I did have it with a train seat and it was horrible, absolutely horrible. Please reassure your DD that it is ok to keep using the facilities she needs, and that she can ask staff for help if ever she needs to - glad someone came to her aid here.

[MangoM]

@Thenthatsthatthen
So sorry that this happened to your DD. The Crohns and Colitis charity have had a campaign over the last few years to get new signs on disabled loos in the uk mentioning invisible disabilities so hopefully we may start to see a change in attitudes.

I too suffer from UC and carry my radar key and can't wait card around with me. It's a bit of a comfort knowing you've got it just in case, but in reality it's really stressful using it in case someone confronts you. If you're having the kind of day where you need to leg it into the disabled loos, you're unlikely to be in the right state of mind to calmly respond to a confrontation like that. No matter hope confident you are normally.

I hope you're DD is okay and that it doesn't put her off going out.

[breakfastclubb]

[quote Plumpi]@viques just ignorant. Not trying to be nasty! Parking spaces is obvious, because people with disabilities need them. But toilets I can't see it because if nobody is waiting, where is the harm? Or if someone with a disability came along in the meantime, it would be a minute or two at most that they would wait.[/quote]
Thanks for wanting to understand.

Firstly, if it was acceptable to pop in when the disabled toilet is free then it wouldn’t just be one person in there - it would be loads. (I’ve seen this happen once when someone twigged there was an open disabled toilet and nobody fancied queuing, meaning I couldn’t get in there when I actually needed to use it.) And then you might end up having to push into a queue, or ask people to move, which can be really difficult / stressful / intimidating and disabled toilets eliminate that to some extent. The fact is that I really struggle in queues (physical pain and fatigue make them a nightmare for me), and sometimes I just have to go ASAP, and I might have to wait because there’s only one toilet and another disabled person got there first - but why should I have to wait just because someone who COULD easily queue can’t be arsed to actually do so?

Let me turn this around and say: where’s the harm in you waiting a few minutes extra when you can, just to avoid making a disabled person suffer when waiting is perhaps much harder for them? And why should you get to use the only toilet they can use, when you can use all the others and they can’t? (Because of size, hand rails, voice guides or whatever facilities they rely on.)

Also, in theory disabled toilets are meant to mean that disabled people and people with health problems have access to clean facilities - my general experience is that people often leave public toilets in a disgusting state which doesn’t tend to happen as much with disabled ones although sometimes they are minging as they haven’t been cleaned recently enough. I have things I need to wash, and I can’t do that in a regular toilet, due to space and grimness.

Also, if it’s a radar key-operated toilet then not everyone can get in - you need to have a key or ask staff for one. Being accused of using a radar toilet wrongly would make me feel like I was being accused of fraudulently having my radar key / misusing it.

And the thing is, a minute or two is a bigger deal for me than for you! If you think waiting a short while is trivial, please just go wait for the other toilets. For me, it can mean I am more likely to end up in physical discomfort for a longer period. It’s not ‘just’ a minute or two.

[Thenthatsthatthen]

@ArriettyJones that’s fortunate for you that you’ve never had to deal with it before, no one should have to. Sadly I assume (perhaps wrongly) that the fact DD is young and overweight the wrong assumption was made about her. I’ve noticed some people have issues comprehending young people can be disabled to-I’ve had family members say to me that because DD is young she shouldn’t be that affected by it. Ignorance is rife

[Gilead]

Sorry this happened, I have UC and have been harassed, it’s not pleasant.

[LillianBland]

@ArriettyJones

On the way out a lady waiting outside started to shout at her telling her she should be ashamed of herself, she’s clearly not disabled, to lazy to que for the toilet etc. DD explained she has an IBD and the lady was shouting liar, fat bitches don’t get IBD

Maybe she needs to change supermarket? It sounds like a really tough place. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed anything like that in a supermarket or shop or mall and I’m more than 20 years older than your DD.

I haven’t ever seen a full blown row over a disabled parking space or loo, come to think of it, and I use both all the time.

Well are t you so lucky. Just because you haven’t had it happen, doesn’t mean others haven’t. Even ignorant wankers go to ‘nice’ supermarkets.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

That's horrible op.

I have Crohn's disease and the lack of public toilets has really made me wary of going out and about, particularly to places I don't know. Things like long car journeys or trains make me really anxious. Having to then face people like the person who upset your daughter just make an already difficult illness much harder to deal with.

[LillianBland]

[quote Plumpi]@viques just ignorant. Not trying to be nasty! Parking spaces is obvious, because people with disabilities need them. But toilets I can't see it because if nobody is waiting, where is the harm? Or if someone with a disability came along in the meantime, it would be a minute or two at most that they would wait.[/quote]
Please stop. When your ignorance has put you in a hole, just put the shovel down and stop digging.

[Plumpi]

breakfastclubb thanks for explaining. That makes sense.

[TARSCOUT]

Crohnie here. I wouldn't bother to explain to anyone, ever. Anyone who behaves like that isn't listening or going to care. Your lovely daughter hopefully will find these events are few and far between. Luckily I havent experienced it however as someone heading swiftly into her 50s I would have a two word response ( because sadly I will never reach a level of being able to deal with said ignorance in a mature way). She is young and likely still struggling with her diagnosis but she will get there.

[MrsKypp]

@OntheWaves40

I disagree with posters saying she should calmly explain. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.
Teach her to shrug and walk away with head up and be more resilient than calling her mum in tears. She doesn’t need to explain to strangers or careless what they think.

I think it's natural to be tearful after something like that and want to speak to your Mum. I'd have been very upset too and I am MUCH older.

She might not owe anyone an explanation (of course she doesn't), but a good way of responding might be to remain (outwardly) calm and simply giving a very brief explanation. If the aggressor still doesn't stop, then yes, walk away.

Not being upset is harder when you are already dealing with something like ulcerative colitis - please don't forget that when you criticise her for calling her Mum in tears. That makes someone very vulnerable and she's doing great going out shopping etc. Some people would not manage that. You might not yourself actually.

[loubieloo4]

Dh(39) stage 4 terminal bowel cancer with less than 12 months life expectancy, finally decided to go outside last week and needed the toilet, normally he would just use the gents if possible but they were closed so had too use the disable (he has issues from surgery) He had just gone in and locked the door, a woman came along and started banging on the door with her walking stick shouting that he shouldn't be in there.

I am so glad I was there to put her in her place.

[MissPiggee]

Your poor daughter.

Haven't had this regarding using the disabled loos and my radar key but have had it on public transport. I have been threatened with violence, screamed at called names and even had a WW2 veteran who was sitting on the prioroty seat (and I sat next to him) complain that I was sittign next to him. Now I have to say am very fat, so I can see why he complained about that, but then he had to be a cunt and say to me "I got my bad leg in the war- I have medals. So how did YOU get yours, eh?" I could tell he thought I was just fat and lazy. I now need a cane to get round and even now I get tutted at usually by elderly people who roll their eyes and mutter when I take that kidn fo seat, even if they themselves don't use them.... I do have an official card saying "I need a priority seat" but had a bad experience when I used it once.

This country has a stupid wankbadgery attitude to those of us with disabilities and it makes me sick.

[MissPiggee]

[quote Thenthatsthatthen]@OntheWaves40 This is a fairly new diagnosis (late last year) so resilience takes time to build. This is the first time she’s been told of in public like this so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her having a cry down the phone to me, that’s what I’m here for.[/quote]
It is so hard when adjusting to a new diagnosis as well.

Am glad she has a mum like you

[Yellowbutterfly1]

I do think there should be more than 1 disabled toilet.

I’ve always wondered what would happen if for example there were two people with conditions that meant they needed to access a toilet straight away and the there was a long line for the ‘normal’ toilets.

[breakfastclubb]

@LillianBland you seem to be snapping at people and I think it’s probably not helpful.

[SimonJT]

Some people are just twats I’m afraid.

My boyfriend has a blue badge due to a physical disability, if you look at him walk its fairly obvious his gait is off, he also looks like he doesn’t have hands if you look at him front on, but they’re just tucked behind his wrists.

Despite him being visibly disabled he also sometimes encounters twats when using disabled facilities. Sadly horrible people are often very vocal, thankfully they are few and far between.

[romdowa]

. I've only ever faced this once. I've a chronic pain condition and in primark I asked to used the disabled changing room since at the time it was the only one with a seat and the memeber of staff refused to let me use it and created such a scene, So I went off in search of a manager and brought them back to the changing rooms and created a scene of my own. I was so tired and so sore but it was worth the lesson for the changing room attendant.
I came out shaking and crying as well.

[UnfinishedSymphon]

@ArriettyJones

On the way out a lady waiting outside started to shout at her telling her she should be ashamed of herself, she’s clearly not disabled, to lazy to que for the toilet etc. DD explained she has an IBD and the lady was shouting liar, fat bitches don’t get IBD

Maybe she needs to change supermarket? It sounds like a really tough place. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed anything like that in a supermarket or shop or mall and I’m more than 20 years older than your DD.

I haven’t ever seen a full blown row over a disabled parking space or loo, come to think of it, and I use both all the time.

Well aren't you lucky never to have experienced any of that, it doesn't mean other people haven't

[spiderlight]

Oh, bless her heart. I have ulcerative colitis as well so I really feel for her. I dread having to use disabled toilets because I don't 'look' ill (despite having multiple other conditions as well). People should realise that not all disabilities are visible. I hope it doesn't knock her back for too long

[LillianBland]

[quote breakfastclubb]@LillianBland you seem to be snapping at people and I think it’s probably not helpful.[/quote]
I get pissed of with people who show little regard for those with disabilities or think, that because they haven’t experienced it, then it hasn’t happened, so yes, I get snappy. I’ve no intention of apologising for that.

[BankofNook]

If it happens again she should just walk away. Nothing she can say or do will change the opinion of twats like that and she doesn't owe anyone details about her private medical information so shouldn't feel she has to stand there explaining it.

I’ve always wondered what would happen if for example there were two people with conditions that meant they needed to access a toilet straight away and the there was a long line for the ‘normal’ toilets.

Who ever was using it first would use it and then the person waiting would use it after, a queue of two is still faster than a queue of twenty two.