Do most people have a terrible secret which could ruin their life?

[aurynne]

Yesterday my DH and I were watching an episode of The Honourable Woman, and I found myself thinking back to all the movies, novels and series in which it appears that every character is carrying a dark, terrible secret which would ruin their life if it came to light. Often there is someone in the plot who, at some point, says something like "Everybody has a secret to protect", and the main character nods wisely, as if this was widely known and accepted.

I know it's fiction, but do you believe this is mostly true? Do you have a secret which, if revealed, would affect your or your loved ones' lives in a significant way? Of course I am not asking you to reveal it here (although if you wish, please be my guest, I am very nosey!), but please just feed my curiosity by saying YES (I have a dark secret) or NO (I don't have any dark secrets).

Personally, I think I must be very boring. The best detective in the World could not really find anything juicy to blackmail me with. My family is not going to find any skeletons in my closet (perhaps just some dust balls). I obviously have parts of my life that I prefer to remain in the private arena, but nothing worth going viral for, nothing that would really shock anyone or turn my life upside down by far if I published it today in The New York Times.

What about you?

[Wolfgirrl]

Not that would ruin my life, but secrets that would cause huge embarrassment/disapproval. Nothing I did, I'm just very ashamed of my upbringing and my family secrets which are awful.

As I've got older though I can look at these things a bit more philosophically, if they come out in the wash, none of it was my fault, so if anyone holds them against me they're not real friends anyway.

[JosieJasper]

Yes. I have one that would probably wreck a long ‘happy’ marriage as it was going on before they were married, throughout their wedding planning and for a couple of years after their marriage, including when they had their first baby!

[garfieldisacat]

I do! When I was heading towards divorce I had a passionate affair with a much older man! It was the brains I found sexy. My Husband at the time never guessed.
When we split I had a number of different lovers on the go, professional men!
I'm not proud about it. I have a professional job and I'm now remarried but have never spoken about that period of my life.

[Seriously79]

I haven't got anything major, but I do know a secret about someone, an ex friend that could rip her life apart, and I've been tempted several times to spill the beans - I never would thought, karmas a bitch.

Let's call her Claire. She used to bully me at work, badly - very badly. Bitchy comments, leaving me out of conversations just really spiteful and she thought her shit smelled of roses - surely we've all met one of them? 🙄

Anyway, we sort of got to know each other better about 10 years after we worked together, she married my then husbands best friend. She doesn't know that her husband has a son, she doesn't know about him at all - but I do.

Her husband knocked up the babysitter when he was 16, and he still lives across the road from his 'grandparents' who have never wanted anything to do with him, neither has his dad.

She also used to prance around with the very latest mulberry handbag and told me when I bumped into her that one of her relatives works for the company - I happen to know better though. She got the money for it as she and her husband were growing weed in their loft.

They have emigrated now, our 'loss' is Australia's gain.

[AlmostANastyAccident]

I have one secret that wouldn't ruin my life, but I am too embarrassed to tell people I am and have been for years been abused financially by a family member. There is fuck all anyone can do about, I've tried. So I'm just stuck until the family member dies (hopefully before me) and I can try to reclaim my life, I guess.

I suppose I am just... embarrassed that it happened to me. And I think people would view me differently for being such a mug.

(name changed for this post)

[justkeepmovingon]

I have 4 😬

All life changing all deep and all dark. I happily live with them though, so enough for the ones who have none!

One is family related, think adoption.
The other 3 are man related

[MulticolourMophead]

No secrets as such, just things I'd rather not talk about. One is that I'm Bi, but I could never tell ex about that because he'd have wanted to use that to push me into a threesome. In fact, he may have guessed, because he started asking if I knew anyone who could join in, in the period before I left with the DC.

I'm not ashamed of being Bi, I just don't think it's anyone else's business. I've never had an affair, or cheated on my ex, but people judge, and wrongly assume that Bi people are always likely to cheat "to get their needs met" when that isn't how it works.

The other things relate to members of my extended family, which can all be listed under the heading "affairs". And I don't think they know that I know.

[Literaryseed]

Yes

[emilybrontescorsett]

I think there will be lots of people keeping the true father of their child a secret, plus those who keep secrets about previous families.
Those who keep secret that they worked in the sex industry or have paid prostitutes for sex.
A few who have kept vital information from the police such as giving false alibis.
Some who have been dishonest and gained money/employment etc
Then those who have had something bad done to them e.g. Sexual abuse.etc
I was told as a teenager that my cousin was not a real cousin by an elderly relative. The child was the result of an affair. I also learned from snippets of information that a neighbour's child was the child of a relative of mine after having an affair and her 'dad' was not her dad.

[Crazydiamond106]

Yes..my husband and family don’t know that I worked as an escort for a few months (about 10 years before I met my husband) ...I was always torn about whether he had a right to know since it was such a long time before we met. He probably does but I never had the courage and didn’t want him to look at me differently or be insecure knowing I’d been with lots of men. Came close to telling him a few times and he pretty much said he doesn’t want to know..if it’s before we met he’d rather not know..have a feeling he may have guessed.

Only 2 of my close friends know..I do worry one day they’ll slip up or it’ll come out but try not to think about it. I’ve punished myself enough for my past I hope I’ve paid my dues already!

[OVienna]

That is interesting ajand. Is it the sort of secret that is a problem for a particular generational mindset (like mine, for example) but that wouldn't be considered a big deal for a younger generation or something rather different?

Don't feel like you need to say what it is, but reading these stories, and considering my own I feel like there are probably lots of secrets that keep the keeper of the secret up at night for years - if they'd just figure out a way to say it, it would lose its power. Or they'd find a solution somehow.

My experience of worry/anxiety (which secrets do cause) is that you can become trapped in your own brain and the spiral of worry becomes magnified.

[GlitchStitch]

I'm on the other side of this. Recently found out stuff about a very close relative that has made me really angry. I don't want to see or speak to them. Thankfully with lock down I'm currently able to avoid any confrontation but I don't know what I'm going to do when it is lifted. It's also something I can't disclose as the fall out would be massive.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

I have things from my past that I’m ashamed of - sleeping around etc - that I wouldn’t really want my current friends to know about. But nothing that could send me to jail.

[ajandjjmum]

DH kept a big secret from me for 30 years. It was not his fault, but he felt embarrassed and ashamed. It was his family's secret, and only very few within the family knew about it.

We spoke to our adult DC about it shortly after he told me, on the basis that secrets are unhealthy - and I was very worried that they would find out from some random cousin at some time when we were no longer around, to reassure them that all is well.

It has caused problems with those who wanted to maintain the secret, but it has explained many things, and left my immediate family with a stronger understanding of how families can - or cannot - work.

[Namechangerextraordinaire1]

I have one secret which isn't deep or dark adn wouldn't ruin anyone's life, but I'd be embarassed if people knew. My partner knows because it kind of affects him, and a few friends, but I wouldn't want anyone else to know in case it made them look at me differently. I really think that's it. I don't think I'd ever sleep if I had I anything to hide that could potentially ruin mine or other people's lives though, that sort of thing eats me up!

My grandparents have/had some big secrets too. One which is still a secret now, it's a bit of a family mystery and as my grandma has sadly passed away and my grandad has advanced dementia, I guess it will forever remain a mystery too. The other secret is one I wish was still a secret bas I'd prefer not to know it.

I also want to know all these secrets!!

[Sissyjd]

Yes.. .not earth shattering but not great, & as my family dont know or attempt to understand me, and are a judgemental hypocritical lot the grief wouldnt be worth them knowing..

[BikeRunSki]

@Mothership4two, Jack Whitehall for me. I am old enough to be his mother.

[Aglet]

Not that would ruin my life but one bad thing I did for which I received a massive dose of karma in reparation.

[DuchessAnnogovia]

Not so much a secret, but something I'm ashamed of in my past. It ruined mine, my EXDPs and my DS/DDs lives at that period in time, I could have gone to prison for what I did.

I signed a remortgage document in my ex's name, to try and save our property from repossession. He was unaware of the dire financial straits we were in, having just set up his own business - and I honestly thought it would save the family home. Sadly his business didn't take off, I couldn't earn enough to cover his lack of income, the bills mounting etc.

I finally told him everything, he went to the police and had me arrested for fraud/theft etc.

It's a period in my past I'm still so ashamed of and I try and keep it a secret from most people.

[SixesAndEights]

I have a branch and trinkets made for me from the original Mulberry Bush

I googled that, very interesting!

[daretodenim]

Yes.

I've told some therapists but asked them to be very careful about how they write it up in their notes.

I can never become any sort of famous.

Can't travel to certain countries (some of which I'd love to).

Could be killed and would be living in fear if I ever spoke about it.

I generally don't think about it because it makes me very sad if I do.

[WomanIsTaken]

I used to think I did, but then came to realise nobody would actually care enough for long enough to have a lasting impact, as in I wouldn't be going to jail or similar.

[caribooshriek]

I have a secret that could ruin someone else's life but I would never disclose it!

[DamnYankee]

Less than 48 hours...Brain addled from DS's algebra lessons

[DamnYankee]

I don't know. Yes? My DM committed suicide.
There have been numerous posts on MN from bereft family members deleted in > 24 hours. Hoping each instance was at the posters' request.

So while I thought it was ok to talk about it - maybe not