To feel so much anger towards a small child?

[fleabagmonkey]

Yesterday my 5 yo DS was injured by his best friend, they were playing nicely together then his best friend had an idea to do something dangerous, I said not to do it but his friend pushed him resulting in my DS falling and injuring himself. The injuries were serious enough to need an A&E visit. I know that both my son and his best friend are only 5 years old and his best friend would not have meant to hurt my son but every time I look at my son and see his injuries I feel so much rage towards his friend and I feel guilty. I don't want my son near his friend at the moment but I realise that this is punishing my son (and myself as I am close with the other child's parents) but maybe this is what I need to do to keep my child safe? The other child is very bossy and has always had a bit of a spiteful side but they have grown up together and love each other like brothers. I feel like I have let my child down.

I am sorry for that ramble, I just feel so sad and angry at the moment.

[BlueMerchant]

I'd have to keep them apart for a while I'd feel so much resentment and anger.
Hope your friend has had stern words with her son. I'd be expecting huge apologies too but regardless I'd keep them apart.
You say he is also bossy. I wouldn't be encouraging the friendship with this child if I'm honest. You can still meet up with your friend but the boys maybe aren't compatible. No matter how long they've known each other. I wonder if they would choose to friends if they had the option.

[fleabagmonkey]

The best friend was very upset to be fair and as soon as he saw my son again gave him a big hug and said sorry. His parents were very upset as well and have done everything they can to help. (Caring for older sibling etc)

[MargoLovebutter]

Fazackerley wish I knew the answer to that! Could be genetic, could be social norms but whatever the reasons, which are probably going to be complex and require a thread all of their own, the stats show that boys are more likely to have accidents in the home than girls. www.rospa.com/home-safety/advice/accidents-to-children/#References

[fleabagmonkey]

Luckily the boys are not at the same school so they do not see each other I'm class.

[Flower777]

My son is a bit older but I would be seriously unimpressed by this. He pushed him off the top bunk?!?

I think you should listen to your anger. It is telling you something.

[MarshaBradyo]

I think it’s natural to feel as you do I’d find it hard not to feel anger. I feel cross just imagining a child doing that.

Tg your little boy will be ok. Maybe have a break for a while.

[lunar1]

My friend had a DS who was a year older than mine. He was always doing little things that hurt mine and his mum was pathetic in dealing with it. The final straw came when he put this hands round my child's neck and squeezed as tightly as I could.

We were in a public place and I really yelled at him.

It shocked him enough to make him let go, the whole incident lasted less than 30 seconds but I felt absolute hatred towards that boy, also 5 years old.

My friend said fuck all to her child and didn't check on mine. I got ready to leave he walked over to us and tried to push ds over!

I cooled off my friendship as I didn't want her son near mine again. Thankfully they go to different schools, but apparently this behaviour has carried on so I made the right choice. Up until then I didn't know it was possible to dislike a child so much.

[Fazackerley]

Fwiw a boy pushed my dd off the top of a climbing frame when he was at nursery. He did it twice, the second time absolutely deliberately and looking me straight in the face while he did it. She broke her wrist.

He's 19 now and got expelled from his private school a couple of years ago and now deals drugs. I still feel schadenfreude when I hear he's fucked his life up , so I don't blame you for still feeling angry OP.

[HoraceCope]

my friend's boys would wreck our house,
we had a lovely Fort and the ds broke the chain for the drawbridge

some children need to be watched like hawks.
no play swords for starters!

[Springwalk]

I am going to go against the grain with this, and say I would definitely have concerns to say the very least.

What was the boys reaction after the fall? Did he look upset and distressed? Did he apologise?

Yes they are only five, but most if not all five year olds know when someone is badly injured.

As a minimum the child in question totally ignored you. You said no, and he did it anyway. That in itself is worrying given he is only five. If you had not been there then fair enough, but you were clearly saying no.

I would actually create some distance now. I would stop play dates at his house for now, and if and when you are ready to see him again, make sure they are heavily supervised from a distance. I would be watching the interaction between them carefully. Although they have known each other for years this does not automatically mean it is healthy for your child.

The gravity of your sons injuries, not to mention the potential injuries would be cause for me to reevaluate.

Many more rules and boundaries need to be in place as a minimum, and the friend needs to listen and respect you when he is in your house.

[HoraceCope]

but the boy probably has rough and tumble games from his older sibling

i wouldnt worry too much, but close supervision at each meeting.

[UCOinanOCG]

Children at that age often act impulsively with no regard for the possibly of danger or harm. It sounds like it was a silly impulsive moment by the other child. You just need to be more vigilant in the future regarding where they are playing.

[teyem]

Why boys?

I suppose it's getting off topic. But the assumption is supposed to be that, because of social norms, boys are given more leeway to be rambunctious than to be girls with the solution assumed to be we should pick up our efforts with boys but my own opinion is that girls tend to have adventure, risk taking and rough and tumble dramatically socialised out of them and we should let the reins off them more.

Although I'm biased, having been a girl who liked to play fight, climb trees - jump out of them but found this play difficult because I was always dressed like a bloody doll.

[Serialweightwatcher]

I totally understand how you must feel - apart from the shock of it happening in front of you, you will now be thinking how much worse it all could have been - glad the friend said sorry ... it's all raw to you and upsetting and you shouldn't feel guilty about anger towards the other child, it's natural to want to protect your child from anything and anyone, whatever the age

[fleabagmonkey]

I will definitely supervise more closely and am taking a break from the best friend at the moment. I have cancelled a treat that I was going to take them both on and when the best friend asked why I explained that my DS is too injured at the moment. Although I have a treat for my son still!

[sugarbum]

I understand your rage, but it will pass. The logic of knowing they are just little boys can't override your feelings right now, but that is because your child was hurt. They are 5. They do stupid things and don't grasp the consequences.
My eldest hurt my youngest by pushing him really hard when he was on the monkey bars. My youngest fell off, landed badly, and broke his arm. I was really furious with my eldest, but he was 7 at the time and didn't mean to cause injury, he was just annoying his little brother.

I would keep your distance for a while. Then be stricter if and when they next play together. Certainly no top bunks!

[Justaboy]

but stuff like this happens with small children and particularly boys

Why boys?

Just the way they are;?.

I was a bit of a sod when younger one bonfire night i managed to almost blow the foot off a mate of mine, was a genuine accident we were just playing around;!.

Grown out of it now;).

[Woolyheads]

Children are people.
Anger is a healthy emotion.
Why shouldn’t you feel anger towards the child?

[Kedgeree]

DS2 was seriously hurt by a friend in a game that went wrong. It was an accident pure and simple, but avoidable had a bit of common sense been applied. I wasn't angry at the friend, but I was furious that his parents, who we had known for years, made no attempt to contact us to find out how DS2 was. Father a doctor, mother a nurse, they knew it was bad. I didn't expect anything more than a concerned phone call, but it never came. That was the end of the relationship for me.

[teyem]

Feelings are just feelings. You are allowed to question them and their usefulness. Is it reasonable or useful to be angry at a five year old? Probably not.

[Drogosnextwife]

but stuff like this happens with small children and particularly boys

Why boys?

As someone who looks after children for a living and has 2 boys and many friend s with kids, I can safely say that boys are generally much rougher when playing than girls, there is the odd time when that's not true but in general it is.

[Drogosnextwife]

. I agree that letting them be on the top bunk was stupid of me though.

OP they are 5, and that's a pretty viscous act from a 5 year old, they are old enough to know what will happen if they push someone from a height , do not feel bad, it is not your fault.

[Epiphany52]

Sounds to me like they need a bit more supervision together and next time friend comes to play you have a conversation with the two boys about ground rules and keep an eye to make sure they are keeping to the rules.

[teyem]

More supervision? The op was right there when it happened. She couldn't have been supervising more closely unless she was following them around with a net.

[VladmirsPoutine]

teyem Exactly! Short of carrying the boys around in an arm each, the OP was literally supervising them when it happened.
OP, the immediate rage and anger is understandable but it will fade.