Guest blog: should grandparents be expected to plug the childcare gap?

[KateMumsnet]

A new report from Grandparents Plus argues that society faces a stark choice about the role of grandparents in childcare.  We can either ask older people to work for longer before retiring, or to fill the childcare gap by caring for their grandchildren while the parents go out to work  - but we can't do both. 

In today's guest blog, Gransnet Editor Geraldine Bedell argues that it may not be possible or desirable for grandparents to plug the "looming care-gap crisis" - and that we need to find an alternative solution.

Read her post, and tell us what you think. Do you rely on your own parents for childcare - and would you be forced to stop work if they weren't able to help? If the retirement age increases, what can be done to fill the childcare gap?

Let us have your thoughts - and if you post on this topic, do link to your URL on the thread.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Smart move taketheribbon

[taketheribbon]

The answer is obvious. Have your children with a man 10-15 years younger than you, who is of mediterranean descent, and his parents, who will be relatively young, will be overjoyed to look after your children while you are at work. Your children will also benefit from becoming fully bilingual.

That's what I did.

[moonbells]

When DS was born my mother was 76, registered disabled and barely able to walk across a room. It's a trial when we visit (she's now 81), as toys get everywhere and I'm forever expecting her to trip over the Lego and break a leg or something. Dad's got one replacement limb and needs another. They also live 140 miles from us and can't move as their friends are there and they couldn't get the same level of council care as they do currently if they moved down here.

My PIL are younger but FIL (75) is having a triple bypass next week, and they too live 140 miles away (in the opposite direction!) They have had DS to stay once in 5y, so we could go to a wedding.

The idea certainly wouldn't work in our case!

[NapaCab]

It's nice for grandparents if they are healthy enough and young enough to be engaged with the care of their grandchildren. I would say about half of the people I know rely on their parents in some capacity for childcare. It's not an option for us as we live abroad and my parents are older and not so fit and DH's parents have always made it very clear that they would not do anything more than occasional babysitting.

There is going to be a crunch point at some stage as the current generation of parents, who mostly are two-income households, become grandparents. Grandparents may not be available to take care of grandchildren as they will be working themselves. I think the only solution is for subsidised childcare of some kind, like the Scandinavian system, and a return of the married couple's tax-free allowance to allow those who want a SAHP option to benefit as well.

We need to stop viewing childcare as some incidental issue that people have to find their own solutions to within the family and offer support to working parents.

[BertieBotts]

None of my DS' grandparents want to be childcarer for him - and that's fine IMO. He's not their child. They will babysit or take him out for the day, but a more regular, permanent arrangement wouldn't work for us. I don't think I'll particularly want to be raising my grandchildren when I'm older either. But I do feel like I don't have enough time for DS at the moment and wish he could be at home with family more. :( It's hard.

[babyboomersrock]

PS. We did have the best of music, I grant you that. And there were jobs.

[babyboomersrock]

Well, this particular babyboomer, along with many of her contemporaries, was poor for many years, OrWellyAnn. Most of us were SAHMs, so we lived pretty frugally.

We had one foreign holiday when our children were young (camping) - normally, holidays were spent at grandparents' homes. We had one old car, a house we'd bought but couldn't afford to renovate, we almost never went out socially, no meals out - the sort of thing many younger people take for granted now. Everyone lived like that, so it seemed normal and we certainly didn't feel resentful.

And now? I'm still helping my youngest who's now at the post-grad stage. We provide free child care and help financially when we can. We still don't holiday abroad! Last year we had two days in Morar and two days in Braemar - hard to organise around child care and in any case we'd rather spend it on family. I know a lot of people in our position.

Oh, and I agree it's tragic that the Tories are making life so hard - I certainly didn't vote them in and nor did any of my close friends.

[OrWellyAnn]

Maybe it's slightly unrealistic though to hope for a long period of active retirement where you do as you please and go on lots of holidays ? I think it's only going to be a minority of us that have that sort of retirement.

^^ and y,y,y to this...mostly because our generation will not be able to retire once the Tories have robbed us of our pensions, healthcare and education. We'll be paying for it all AND trying to help our poor bloody kids get any sort of a start in life. The baby boomers really did have the best of life once they hit their teens...they were and are the first and last truly priviliged generation. I see my parents and their friends enjoying a retirement that will be utterly unfathomable to me and most of my friends.

[gaelicsheep]

I think it is lovely if it's possible and works for both sides, but should never ever be expected - not by society and especially not by parents themselves. My mum is, I think, the only one in her group of friends who does not have regular care of a pre-schooler - it is amazingly common. I think it is a hidden timebomb tbh.

[OrWellyAnn]

My DDad often helps out with childcare, not because he reels he has to, but because he loves DS and wants to spend this time with him. It's given him (and us) an extra dimension to his daily life. i dont think anyone we know can deny seeing the benefits it brings, to ds and DDad in their lovely relationship together, and me in being able to do the odd days work or catch up on things I need to do. it's a real win-win situation.

[scottishmummy]

No grandparents should not have expectation of care,it nice if you get it.but not a given

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Maybe it's slightly unrealistic though to hope for a long period of active retirement where you do as you please and go on lots of holidays ? I think it's only going to be a minority of us that have that sort of retirement - many more will be helping the next generations. To me it seems like a natural and good way to spend that stage of life, though the occasional holiday is always nice, and I hope we'll have enough money to at least take any grandchildren on a few interesting visits and outings as you do babyboomer - Your grandchildren - and children - sound very lucky ! BTW I don't think you can worry too much about offering exactly the same to each of your children - I guess you just have to take things as they come, and see what you feel able to offer as you go along

[NK2b1f2]

My IL died many years ago before I could meet them and my own parents are mid 70s and mid 80s and abroad, so I have never seen grandparents as an option for regular childcare. And to be honest Even if they were younger and closer, I would never expect them to be on standby to babysit or provide regular full day childcare. I think it's a lot to ask. I am one of four and feel my parents did their bit in bringing us up. Why should they have to go back to pushing prams etc?
I've seen too many examples in my work of grandparents in their 60s an 70s forced to provide long hours of care because they felt that if they refused they may not see their grandchildren again. That's just plain wrong.

[babyboomersrock]

My OH and I are 66 and at the moment we mind our 2 year old grandson 2 days a week from 7.30am - 5pm; one of his parents delivers him to us. His mother works 3 days a week and the other day is covered by the "other grandpa" doing 2 days a month and my son using annual leave for the remaining days.

On one of our days we stay at home and do the usual house-based activities; he "helps" us with the houswork, garden, feeding hens and other pets, baking, playing music and so on. We always have at least two walks as well.

On the other day we go to a museum/park/beach, depending on weather - we take picnics.

We take him home at 5pm. We're lucky that we're fit and active - as are most of the grandparents we meet when we're out and about - but there must be some who are really exhausted, or who don't have transport or money to go anywhere. I don't know how they cope.

I'm fully retired but my husband's an academic and still does a few days' work a month - sometimes from home, though he travels too. I have four children and I anticipate that the others will have families in due course. I simply don't know how we're going to be able to help them all, and of course it's an expense - I don't think we could stretch to doing the same for them all, and that is upsetting.

I know lots of people of our age who're in the same position; their own children aren't having their families until they're in their 30s. By that time, they have huge mortgages and outgoings which mean they both have to work so the grandparents find themselves in their late 60s, retired, but unable to make plans for holidays and so on without asking for "leave" - it's a complicated business.

I love the fact that we see so much of our grandson - but there's no doubt that it changes the relationship. Sometimes I long just to be a granny and not a substitute parent.

My daughter-in-law would prefer to be at home with her son full-time. I can't imagine what it must be like to feel like that and have to hand over to granny a couple of days a week; I was at home until my youngest went to school. We do our utmost to do things their way and make it easy for them - luckily we're on the same wave-length most of the time, and I think it's imperative that we do things their way for the child's sake. If you're an occasional granny, maybe you can be a bit more relaxed and indulgent, but if you're actually providing regular child care, it's more like a job.

(Unpaid, and without lunch breaks!)

My apologies for the long inconclusive post. I don't have an answer.

[gaelicsheep]

I don't know what the statistics are for the amount of families where grandparents look after the children some/all of the time, but I often get the feeling that social policy and attitudes are based on the assumption that this is possible. With the cost of childcare it is genuinely unaffordable for many families to have two parents in work. I look at families where one parent is working, say, part time in Tesco and I think they MUST have grandparent taking care of the children because how on earth could that job - with the irregular hours that often go with it - possibly be doable if it needed paid childcare. Yet that scenario seems to increasingly be the expectation of Government and society alike.

Me, well my parents are well into their 60s, they couldn't possibly cope with the children, they've never even had them for a full evening. And they live hours away so it is totally impossible in every respect. Consequently one of us stays at home.

[Nat38]

I have always worked around not having help from the Grandparents.
I have now separated from my husband & both of his parents have now died His mother suffered from epilepsy & was a sahm, died 5/6 years ago, his dad worked ft until he took voluntary redundancy at age 62 & then suddenly died 9 days after his 65th birthday, 10/11 years ago.
My dad is coming up to 70 & never really been in my life
My mum is still working FT & is 65 in June.
My DD`s are 12 & 14.
My in-laws were always there before their deaths for baby sitting duties as & when required & my mum is still there for me for as & when required for babysitting outside of her job, she would also be available in an emergency & take time of work if required & asked!
I do have a good support system in my mum, sister & soon to be ex-husband if needed!

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

That's OK Journey - I had a fair bit of time to do as I pleased in my twenties, and my career, though interesting and rewarding at times hasn't especially gone anywhere. On the whole I haven't especially enjoyed my working life - home life has always given me more happiness. So, if I'm lucky enough to have grandchildren I feel at the moment that I'd be quite content to spend pretty much as much time with them as possible - you could say for selfish reasons !
(Though hopefully it will be a win-win all round)

[JourneyThroughLife]

What I'm about to say will probably sound selfish, but no, I'm not going to help out with my daughter's children when I'm a grandparent. When I was a young mother I gave up my best working years for my children, I stayed at home all their young lives and devoted myself to them. I missed out on a career but believe I gave them the best I could offer while they needed me. But those years are over and I returned to the workplace, working myself up to where I am now. I love my job and don't intend to give up until they actually physically remove me directly into a nursing home!! I'm certainly not giving up to look after grandchildren - I did my bit at the right time and don't ever want to have to take on childcare responsibilities again, especially when I'm older.....

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

My DP's are in their 70's and have had my DC's to stay on two occasions for a week whilst I went on holidays to the Highlands with DH. DC's were 8 and 10, then 10 and 12 or thereabouts. Am not sure they will be up to doing it again !
Would have been nice if we'd lived nearer to them whilst DC's growing up for lots of reasons. I go and stay with them for a few days with the DC's in most of the school holidays, and we've done some lovely things together such as interesting days out which has all given me a bit of a break.
Personally I'd like to be more hands on when it's my turn, but we'll have to see how things pan out. I don't know how I'll feel by the time I'm in my 60's I guess ! And will depend on circumstances and how DC's want to do things too I'm sure.

[Xmasbaby11]

My parents were in their thirties when they had me, and I was in my thirties when I had DD. So they are in their 70s now and they are well but don't have the energy to look after an energetic toddler. I don't expect them to, anyway. They did their bit and my mum stayed at home with me for 5 years. They deserve their retirement.

[Xmasbaby11]

We have no default. DD is in nursery full time, and if she is sick, DH or I take time off work.

[breatheslowly]

We are very lucky in being able to work to "the Scandinavian Model". DD goes to nursery, but if she is ill then a grandparent will step in so that we can go to work. They also offer babysitting, including over night. The grandparents would struggle with a lively toddler fulltime, but many of their peers do this and find it very tough. However if I work to 68, I am unlikely to even be able to offer this level of support if DD has chidren at about the same age as we had her.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I'm sorry things are tough for you Snow - I hope you can find good ways forward when youngest starts reception in September and you go back to work - hopefully after school club will be a help

[CheungFun]

My DM is 55 this year, but there's no way that she would be physically fit enough to look after DS (1yo) instead of me paying for childcare as she has a bad back due to two slipped discs and a frozen shoulder. One size doesn't fit all. Some people are very lucky to have parents living close by who are able and willing to provide free childcare, but I think for a lot of people this isn't realistic and it shouldn't be expected that grandparents are going to be providing free childcare.