I’m a vicar's wife, AMA

[RainbowWings84]

I won’t get too much into matters of faith and theology, but otherwise go right ahead!

[QueefLatifah]

So you know Maggie? Is she really totally fine with things now?
Do you like horses like Maggie does?

[RainbowWings84]

I’ve had a couple of comments about Maggie - would anyone care to explain? I don’t get the reference.

[roisinagusniamh]

I like your inclusivity OP.
I am agnostic and I respect your faith.

[rosiepony]

How do I find faith? Seriously.
I'm old and haven't been christened as my parents didn't believe in it, but I'm envious of the 'support' that people with a religion have.

[Blinkingblimey]

Wasn’t Maggie the Vicar’s sister though?! RainbowWings84 - there’s been a recent thread where a poster rudely accosted some poor dear for taking photos of her horses which were in front/near her house...turned out to be the Vicar’s sister....the poster was encouraged to apologise and refused🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🙄. Someone better than me will link....

[Sexnotgender]

Waves hello to fellow vicar’s wife

[RainbowWings84]

@roisinagusniamh as far as I see it (and I’m no theologian), Jesus gave some fairly simple instructions, and none of those involved excluding people. I try (and often fail) to live by love and charity, as does DH. We don’t always get it right, but we do try!

[RainbowWings84]

@Blinkingblimey ohhhh yes, I glanced at that thread but had forgotten the woman's name! Goodness me, no, I’m not Maggie, she sounded far too saintly 😆

[RosaWaiting]

Does your church see itself as there to help the community or only people who believe in god?

[ShadyLady53]

Do you think that a Vicar and their spouse need to share the same theology?

I.e do you think a marriage between a Baptist Minister and a Catholic laywoman could work? Or do you think it’s really important that they are on the same page about how they worship, celebrate sacraments (I.e infant vs adult baptism) etc and that they could be doomed to fail, especially if a congregation see the spouse having a different take on faith?

[RosaWaiting]

I thought
Maggie was the vicar’s neighbour?

[ShadyLady53]

Maggie was the Vicar’s sister and also lived next door to the Vicar IIRC.

[gorrisandhorace]

Did you get a big lovely vicarage to live in and is that free ?
Because this idea really draws me to God.
Do you have patchwork quilts and roses round the door and an aga?

[RainbowWings84]

@rosiepony I can’t tell you a definitive path to faith, but if you really want to explore it I’d recommend trying a local church or two and seeing how you feel. Believe me, churches are always glad to welcome new members and most won’t judge you on how much you "participate" in the service!

It depends on the sort of thing you find resonates with you, but it might be worth looking into different styles of worship in churches. Mine is high anglocatholic, with a choir and robed clergy, and sometimes incense and bells on high days etc. Other churches have bands and pop music and a less formal and glam worship style. Both sorts of church will (or should!) have a loving congregation, but one type will probably speak to you more than another.

If things like inclusivity are important to you, look at the inclusive church website - there ought to be a list of inclusive churches local(ish) to you.

There are also things like Messy Church which you can take kids to, if that’s what you need.

It can feel like a bit of a minefield, but I sometimes think it's worth just heading straight in and seeing what you get out of it, how it makes you feel. No need to worry that you haven’t got all the faith yet (none of us does, and if anyone tells you they’re "sure" or they "know", run away - as my DH says, the opposite of doubt is certainty, and without doubt you can’t have faith), and no need to worry if you don’t know when to stand or sit, or when to move or what to do. Nobody is going to judge you, and you'll catch on soon enough!

Sorry for the screed - I hope some of it helps!

[RainbowWings84]

@Sexnotgender hi pal! How long have you been in this business? :D

[Sexnotgender]

Just over a year! New kids on the block 😂

[RainbowWings84]

@gorrisandhorace haha that’s quite funny! We do have a fairly big house tbf - it is "free" in that it's part of my husband's stipend. We don’t own our own house, sadly, which is a concern of both of ours as when he retires we shall be out on our proverbial arses. Hopefully we can save for a deposit before that happens!

No Aga, just a little electric oven! But I do have a patchwork quilt. It had skulls and crossbones on it, and grey and red flowers. I made it myself ages ago - the vicar thinks it's a bit gothic (and not in a nice churchy way!)

[NoNoNoOohmaybe]

Does your husband like the hot priest in fleabag?!

[RainbowWings84]

@ShadyLady53 omg such a good question! I’m going to hedge and say it depends on the couple. For DH and me, our shared beliefs, values and style of worship is really important to our relationship - in fact, if we didn’t agree politically, socially, emotionally etc I doubt we would be married.

That said, I know couples in this town (in our congregation even) who have completely different churchmanship - low evangelical vs high anglocath, and one curate I know whose wife was so opposed to the ordination of women that she took herself and their kids off to the local Forward in Faith church where they don’t approve of women's ordination, while he was on placement in a church with a female associate minister. I would find that so hard to deal with but presumably it works for them!

[RainbowWings84]

@RosaWaiting community, absolutely. We do not reserve our efforts for a notional "elect"!

@NoNoNoOohmaybe I’ve still never seen Fleabag! I’ve read discussions in clergy FB groups (I know, I know, kill me now but I actually enjoy them!) about how he’d probably be up with a Clergy Disciplinary Measure for some of his behaviour, but I still don’t know what they did! must watch it sometime

[RainbowWings84]

@Sexnotgender me too! DH has been doing this for a lot longer, though. I swooped into the congregation and stole the eligible bachelor from under their noses! Such scandal! (Not really, everyone was delighted)

[RaymondReddington]

Hi Rainbowwings

Do you get frustrated with the Church Of England, as an organisation? I heard recently that they measure all sorts of statistics and have targets (eg, congregation numbers, funerals, weddings, money collected etc).

How do you respond to people who criticise the CoE? ( I ask this from a place of receiving criticism for believing in God, but the criticisms not being about my faith but that I believe in an institution that has ultimately done bad things in the past. I struggle with this part).

[Sexnotgender]

They generally like their clergy married off so they’d be quite happy I’m sure!

[ShadyLady53]

@RainbowWings84 Thanks so much for your answer! It seems like there are so many more extra things to consider when you are marrying into a church. I think I feel along the same lines as you...or maybe I too would have been a vicars wife .

[RosaWaiting]

Thanks OP. So if someone came in needing help in the emotional sense, but also said they didn’t believe, would the vicar try to find some helpful words that weren’t linked up to god?