Am I a victim or a slut?

(38 Posts)
carolynjw75 Sun 14-Mar-21 01:03:01

I need some help. I see the press about#metoo and grooming etc. I’ve had relations with men from the age of 15 - fathers of children I’ve babysat, me I’ve met in pubs, men at work - but was I in control of that or was I manipulated or taken advantage of? I’ve always liked to think I was in control but as I’ve grown older (and wiser) I’ve wondered, was I taken advantage off? I certainly regret some if those decisions taken very early in my like. I recently raised these issues with my current partner and was very upset that his attitude seemed to be that I was wrong as a 15 year old encouraging these attentions. I’d be very interested in other opinions.

OP’s posts: |
OppsUpsSide Sun 14-Mar-21 01:05:33

At 15 you were legally deemed unable to consent, so what do you think?

FactsAndFigs Sun 14-Mar-21 01:10:44

Please don’t ever say or think your slut and never ever let anyone tell you are, regardless of age.

As PP said you was 15! 15! Yes only 15! A child. flowers

nocoolnamesleft Sun 14-Mar-21 01:15:15

You were 15. These were adults, predatory adults.

ZaZathecat Sun 14-Mar-21 01:23:32

Those fathers were predators and paedophiles. You were not responsible for this at 15, even if you encouraged them. They were the adults and you were under the age of consent.

webeatle Sun 14-Mar-21 01:24:06

When I turned 18 a man I knew as a father figure tried to have sex with me. I only just managed to say no as I was vulnerable to him, still a child really especially as he knew me from birth. If your over 20 now think of what the 15 year old CHILDREN look like. At 15 you think your mature but adults should see them as kids really. Anyone in a school uniform looks so young and are vulnerable, adults shouldn't be attracted to them. If a 15 year old boy flirted with you now I think you would know better x

VampireTheBuffetSlayer Sun 14-Mar-21 01:24:23

I'm coming to terms in my late 40s that a lot of the decisions I made in my younger years were coercive. The love bombing, the manipulation, so much of it was not in my control. I'm trying to not be an angry older women but it's hard!

Advertisement

IdblowJonSnow Sun 14-Mar-21 01:26:13

What do you think OP?

And why use the word slut? angry

VampireTheBuffetSlayer Sun 14-Mar-21 01:27:38

Oh god and whatever else, slut is such a misogynistic term!

Sstrongtn Sun 14-Mar-21 01:28:30

I’ve only been raped once. Not that the police believe me despite the fact I was black, blue and unable to walk.

But I’ve had coerced, lazy or semi consensual sex far too many times. From the man who followed a far too drunk me into the toilet in a pub, to the one who texted the morning after he left a hotel room to say get the MAP because I didn’t use the condoms we agreed on every time, those would be the times he started as I slept.

It’s not you it’s them.

midsummabreak Sun 14-Mar-21 01:32:16

There is no such thing as a slut.
Slut-shaming is a myth used by people to blame women for being coerced and assaulted.
They used to openly slut shame women who stood up to the criminal/s who assaulted them, and even in court it was used by the defendants and their lawyers to try to convince the judge that it was her “asking for it”
This is how they kept people silent about their assault-as women who dared to take their rapist/s to court were retraumatised throughout the court case.
It’s no longer allowed, because it is another misogynistic lie and has nothing to do with consent.

midsummabreak Sun 14-Mar-21 01:38:04

You are not a victim either, you are a survivor, of grooming and coercive abuse by older fathers of your friends at school. I hope you find respect and love you deserve , and as for your current partner , he is part of the problem and needs to step up and stand up for you, and support you to stand up for yourself.

DogsAreShit Sun 14-Mar-21 01:47:26

Yes I would say survivor also.

For those times when you were under the age of consent or when the man was in a position of trust/authority/unequal social standing due to age etc, it doesn't matter a damn what "encouragement" you exhibited : even if you were billy bollock naked, an adult man should not be having sex with a fifteen year old girl.

PotholeParadies Sun 14-Mar-21 02:02:03

Taken advantage of. I felt mature at 15, and compared to many of my peers, I was, due to family responsibilities (ill parent) and so on. But the differences between 15 year old me and 30 year old me are stark.

Here's a question. If you had 15 year old boy babysitting your kids, can you imagine for a moment seeing him as anything other than a child?

DdraigGoch Sun 14-Mar-21 02:11:57

It shouldn't matter if you were wearing skimpy clothes emblazoned with "Get it here" in large letters. At 15 you are not deemed old enough to give informed consent so this cannot be your fault. A fact that some police forces in towns such as Rotherham would do well to remember.

notyourhandmaid Sun 14-Mar-21 04:41:41

You were 15, they were adults. Come on. You know what the answer is. I'm so sorry your current partner is not getting it. flowers

DifficultBloodyWoman Sun 14-Mar-21 04:57:50

Are those the only two choices? And why does it have to be an either or question?

We use labels as shorthand but, as shorthand, they do not give the full story.

You were a child so the men’s actions were certainly illegal. I’d describe them, label them, as predators. Does that automatically make you a victim or a slut? No.

I would recommend you find a therapist to talk to about this to try to avoid labels and explore the whole situation.

GrumpyHoonMain Sun 14-Mar-21 05:08:29

I don’t think you were either. As Dh someone else who also had relationships with men at 15 and can still remember what it’s like. I don’t regret them. I wasn’t coerced, I wasn’t raped, I actually had a lot of fun and remember them positively. If you don’t then my guess is something was probably wrong.

SpanishLady Sun 14-Mar-21 06:08:47

You were a young person. Older more experienced people know this was not the right thing to do - you were not on an equal level playing field with them so they were taking advantage. It's not your fault and I'm sorry these adults didn't protect you.

UsedUpUsername Sun 14-Mar-21 06:21:28

They should have known better and should have politely declined. But they didn’t and will blame you if they are ever called to account.

A lot of us have been there at 15, thinking we were so grown up and could have sex with whoever we wanted. We rejected those adults who told us we’d regret it.

That’s why it’s so hard 😞 I understand you, in that we did feel in control and it felt exciting and
transgressive.

I still don’t know what to think about it.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 14-Mar-21 06:22:15

OP, I am a teacher and, when I read stories of teachers having relationships with students, it fills me with two overwhelming things. The first is disgust for the predatory adult and the second is confusion because I just don’t understand how anyone can see that student as anything other than a child! I don’t see anything close to sexual when I look at the children I teach. Ever!

The fathers of the children you babysat were repulsive, manipulative predators and rapists. Being 15, you couldn’t consent so it was rape. I don’t care if you physically stripped yourself naked and told them to hop on. They should never have gone near (or even wanted to go near) a 15yo!!!

As for your partner, I’d tell him to get his victim-blaming, misogyny the fuck away from me!

EdgeOfACoin Sun 14-Mar-21 06:27:55

What sort of grown man has sex with a 15 or 16 year old?u

When I was 18 I met a fellow uni student who had had a relationship with her 30-year-old teacher when she was 15. He had introduced her to all sorts of things, including anal sex.

At 18, although the rest of us uni students knew it was wrong for a teacher to sleep with a pupil, we all still thought it was quite impressive that she had snagged a teacher. We still took the view that it was a cool, edgy and completely consensual relationship (albeit illicit).

Now in my 30s I look back with horror on that relationship. It was clearly completely wrong, coercive (even if at the time my friend didn't think it was) and I strongly suspect my friend wasn't the only pupil that teacher was shagging.

As we get older and wiser, we do look back at things and see them differently. Even at 18 I wasn't old enough to have perspective on the issue.

I'm quite worried about your dh's attitude, to be honest.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 14-Mar-21 07:26:48

Sstrongtn

I’ve only been raped once. Not that the police believe me despite the fact I was black, blue and unable to walk.

But I’ve had coerced, lazy or semi consensual sex far too many times. From the man who followed a far too drunk me into the toilet in a pub, to the one who texted the morning after he left a hotel room to say get the MAP because I didn’t use the condoms we agreed on every time, those would be the times he started as I slept.

It’s not you it’s them.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. flowers

risefromyourgrave Sun 14-Mar-21 08:19:01

I was 15 and was ‘dating’ a 27 year old. At the time I thought I was so mature but now I look back and think WTF, not least for the fact that he viciously raped me when I broke up with him.

I was not a slut (revolting word), I was a child. I have a 14 year old daughter and if anyone above the age of 15 (and that’s pushing it) came anywhere near her wanting to date her I’d tell them to get to fuck.

OhHolyJesus Sun 14-Mar-21 08:49:21

@Sstrongtn I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for any woman or girl who has been violated. It makes me feel sick and enraged every time I hear it and even when we don't as we know it happens all the time.

OP, you were a child, you are a survivor and I hope in coming days or weeks you consider getting some therapy, if that is at all possible.

I can only imagine how reading some comments here is reframing what happened to you and I know from reading other stories that the realisation that you were a victim and not in control, not able to choose, is a huge shock. It wasn't your fault, it never is. I would be so bold to say that your formative years and early experience of sex being rape and abuse have perhaps affected all that followed. I'm worried for you because of your partner's response too.

I don't suggest you Google it right now but Jenna Jameson, a very famous porn 'actress' has spoken out about how she was coerced and controlled and that this was and is abuse.

I really, really hope you can get some help. I hope this thread helps.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in