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I need to lose weight desperately.

(35 Posts)
starshaker Wed 07-May-14 14:29:18

I know why im overweight. I eat to become somebody who nobody would look twice at. I wanted to be invisible to men to protect myself. Now im huge and have managed to find an amazing guy who sees past how i look but im scared 1 day he will wake up and see what i see.

I have so much to lose. I have got my justice in a strange sort of way and now i want to look ok for me. I want to lose 8 stone. All i want is to be happy and to not hate what i see

Tansie Fri 09-May-14 11:08:34


Your eating is really entwined with your emotions. I wonder if your first approach is to try to get to the bottom of why you need to protect yourself from 48% of the population? It's possible you might need professional help to deal with that. I'd suggest your GP is your first port of call, with 8 stone to lose and psychological issues to look at.

Your eating is a symptom of other stuff that needs sorting, you maybe need to deal with and address that stuff - and hopefully you'll suddenly find that you no longer feel the need to abuse your body!

Taking back control of your body is a loving act, it's a kindness to yourself. You've already taken the first step via acknowledging that you may have reached a point where you want to act. But you have to be doing this for you, not for a bloke. You can't rely on anyone else; their support is invaluable but at the end of the day, try really hard not to be too vulnerable. If this relationship doesn't work out, you risk going straight back to 'how you were' as you've measured your self worth through someone else's eyes ('He's left me so it proves I am fat and worthless, I must punish myself')..

I believe that happiness is a fortunate by-product, rather than a 'thing' in itself. I personally don't aim for happiness, I aim (not always successfully!) to do the things and be the person that I want to do and be; then I find an increased sense of well-being that translates into a degree of happiness; and a desire to look after myself better, because yes, I am 'worth it'! As are you..

I'm sorry I can't offer any practical advice but of course you'll find it by the page-load on this forum!

Good luck, and may today be the first step in a journey that allows you to reclaim 'you' and discover joy and happiness along the way!

itiswhatitiswhatitis Fri 09-May-14 11:15:19

What a lovely post Tansie!

I really believe when it comes to weight loss slow and steady wins the race. Lots of people have success with different methods but you need to find the one that suits you best. Personally I have found success with calorie counting and increasing my excercise. I use MyfitnessPal app to help me. I only lose around a 1lb a week and some weeks nothing if I've decided to have a bit of an indulgent weekend (I'm ok with that though)

I have found over the weeks I have broken the habit of eating for the sake of it and my body is much more use to eating less (my portion sizes were out of control!)

Good luck flowers

Tansie Fri 09-May-14 12:46:23

what I 'do' PMK myself. I like the way it addresses an ethos which more or less says 'take back control of not only your eating, but your life'.

I also have got back into some exercise; I'm lucky that I have an electric treadmill set up in from of a telly so I try to fast-walk on it for 30 mins, 6 or 7 times a week (that's 2 miles a day). The mere habit of doing it more or less every day means it's just something I 'do', no 'will I/won't I?' to consider. I am aiming to lose between 1 and 1.5lbs a week, too.

I have never been someone who gets any obvious body-sculpting changes when I exercise- that's a recognised scientific fact, btw! In my 30s (when I wasn't particularly overweight) I went through a phase of going to a gym every day; aerobics, swimming, cycling to work, 'healthy' eating, and although I lost half a stone in 6 months my body, essentially, looked exactly the same! No particular new muscle definition at all. I felt better and had more stamina etc etc so it was really good for me to have done it, and of course the mental health benefits of daily exercise are well-recorded.

I also used MFP to make sure I was on the right track regarding the nutritional value of certain foods. When you have to 'watch' what you eat, you need those calories not to be 'empty', don't you? I also eat veeery slowly now and aim to not be the first in the family to finish, every time! And PMK advises you to always leave something on the plate to prove to yourself you don't need to eat everything there. Regaining mastery of my appetite!

Anyway, I hope star comes back to this forum soon as there's such a huge wealth of support and know-how on it!

Sleepwhenidie Fri 09-May-14 13:17:16

starshaker - wise words from Tansie - do you know what it is that makes you want to disappear? Have you had/would you consider therapy to deal with that?

Then...give this man some credit, he presumably isn't blind, so is unlikely to suddenly decide he hates the way you look smile? Can you try and see yourself through his eyes? What is it that he thinks is amazing? Focus on those things, build on them. Also think about what else makes you you. What makes you feel happy, content, soothed, fulfilled or energised? How can you do more of these things? The more you do them the better your self-esteem will become and you will value your health better and make better choices.

What do you want to do in terms of diet? Are you well educated regarding nutrition? Do you feel like you want to follow a specific diet or just make changes that you can manage long term?

starshaker Sat 10-May-14 00:30:15

Thank you all for the replies. I was raped when I was younger. That's why I want to be invisible. I'll read more later cos I really need some sleep

TalkinPeace Sat 10-May-14 17:16:30

You need CBT / mindfulness support.
You can probably get it through your GP
It will help.

Either that or "Freedom from emotional eating" by Paul Mckenna seems to help people
as it helps you to untangle the thought processes and feedback patterns.

but as Tansie so rightly says, you need to learn to love yourself again.

WillieWaggledagger Sat 10-May-14 17:47:42

Lots of good advice here. Have you read susie orbach "on eating"? It addresses some of the things you have mentioned. My heart goes out to you x

starshaker Sun 11-May-14 10:41:44

I've changed doctors recently and have been referred back to counselling but I don't think that's enough for me anymore but I'll see how it goes. I've had medical problems lately which has made exercise difficult and not really possible but hopefully I can start again

BrokenDownstairs Sun 11-May-14 10:44:05

I have given up sugar and don't even feel like I'm on a diet it's amazing google I quit sugar for life. Lost 5lbs this week it feels without Trying

TalkinPeace Sun 11-May-14 12:59:55

rather than "counselling", request that you get a proper CBT referral : find a practitioner who will REALLY be able to focus on your issues (past, health, current size, wanting to make new relationship work) and rebuild your thought patterns into a happy shape

once your head is going in the right direction, your body will follow

Sleepwhenidie Sun 11-May-14 15:21:35

CBT can be fantastic and help with self esteem etc but it doesn't really examine emotions, I wonder if maybe some rape counselling would be a better place to start, then maybe CBT from there? I expect that there are charities that would provide this free/very cheap as well, probably without referral.

WillieWaggledagger Sun 11-May-14 17:23:37

CAT may be another option - slightly different to CBT

it's used by the eating disorders service (part of the mental health service) in my region (and doesn't just focus on trying to get someone to eat "normally", it looks at psychological triggers, traps etc)

All i want is to be happy and to not hate what i see. this breaks my heart to read. IME if you are happier you like what you see much more, regardless of whether your appearance has changed at all

TalkinPeace Sun 11-May-14 17:30:44

All up, I suspect we all agree that OP is somebody who needs and deserves shed loads of hugs and support to get hear head better able to compartmentalise the shite that went before
the weight is very much a symptom, not a cause
and she should get the help she needs to put the past behind her into a compartment that lets her enjoy tomorrow

its odd, people like me without "issues" to explain our greedy weight gain kick ourselves even more when we realise how crap our excuses seem when many people with massive (often undiagnosed) issues achieve amazing things once they get mind and body working together.

You can be amazing. You will be amazing.

starshaker Mon 12-May-14 08:44:03

Thank you all. I'll look into CAT. I'm kinda hoping PUPPY will help too ;-). Just waiting on her being born.
I will get better.
I managed to quit smoking 2 years ago so I know that somewhere I have some will power.
I tried yoga and meditation yesterday so hopefully that will help too. I just want to be average. Not beautiful not pretty just average. I don't even want to be skinny id be more than happy with a 14.

MrsLundyBancroft Mon 12-May-14 09:32:58

star much of what you say resonates with me. I have tried and tried over the years and I just have ended up bigger than ever. I have five stone to lose which would see me under the recommended maximum for my height by 4lbs. I have bought the Paul McKenna book on a hypnotic gastric band and listened to it for the first time last night. I'm sceptical but also optimistic, if that makes sense? I definitely second the recommendations to obtain specialist counselling - in our area there's a charity called Savannah which specialises in counselling following sexual assault. The hypnotherapy method also encompasses some emotional trigger reprogramming which I expect to find very useful.

Finally, when I envisage myself as I would wish to be, I am happy. It has taken me a long time to realise that I'm not happy because I am slim. I am slim (in this visualisation) because I am happy.

Good luck. My task is not a small one either so I'll be around for a bit if you need hand holding smile

Sleepwhenidie Mon 12-May-14 12:08:33

mrslundy you've hit the nail on the head - being slim doesn't make you happy (it probably makes you a little high because of your new smaller jeans maybe wink, but not truly happy). Another way to think about it is, as far as it is possible, live how you would as the 'ideal weight you' will, now. Don't put off dating, wearing nice clothes and make-up, looking after your skin and hair, participating in social events or exercise classes, learning a new skill or hobby - just do it all improves self-esteem and happiness and becomes self-fulfilling. Life doesn't suddenly begin/massively improve when you reach that magic number you've picked as the one where it will smile. Good luck.

starshaker Mon 12-May-14 21:38:14

Paul McKenna purchased so gonna see how that goes.

TalkinPeace Mon 12-May-14 21:53:24

Well done on such a positive series of steps already.

as MrsLundy and Sleep so rightly say, being a particular size will not make you happy in itself.
Being lighter may make you healthier long term
but if you have not got your head in a good place it will be battling with yourself and yoyoing.
As your head sorts out, and yoga and pilates are GREAT for body and brain, the endocrine system feedbacks will get your body to the "happy weight" for you - whatever that might turn out to be.

Juiceplus35 Tue 13-May-14 18:26:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsLundyBancroft Tue 13-May-14 18:55:18

star I've just joined the paul mckenna thread and they're all lovely there if you fancy coming across? I can't link as I'm on my phone blush

Sleepwhenidie Tue 13-May-14 20:18:55

Please don't go on any stupid juice diets star. Juiceplus I have reported your thread as you are clearly only on mn to advertise.

Tansie Tue 13-May-14 22:18:17

Juicing doesn't 're-educate'. New 'ways of eating' (WOE) do. You cannot and will not live on juice for the rest of your life. By all means do a week of juicing to kickstart your resolve but it cannot be more than that.

TalkinPeace Tue 13-May-14 22:33:41

Sleep ditto
Tansie I am pretty sure OP is bright enough to understand that a faddy diet will not put her head into the happy place.

Rebeca35 Wed 14-May-14 12:26:52

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