How long should i keep this up. Parents of teenagers vote please....

[pagwatch]

To explain.
DS1 is 15. has a phone which we bought and on which we pay a monthly tariff so that he can travel to rugby matches etc and arrange pick up. Plus obviously for talking to friends and girlfriend.

He is a fab boy BUT we have reall REAL trouble with him not keeping us informed of where he is. He went on tour to Holland in hols and it was four days before we heard from him. He also rarely answers when we call him but phone to ear when it rings at home is Olympic standard time.

To be clear I am not worried that he is doing anything wrong - this is just about keeping us informed.
Last straw was Saturday. He had gone to meet friends to play sqaush. Expected home by 12. By two o'clock I was very worried - especially as we knew he was supposed to be meeting gf at 1.30.
In the end DH goes to find him. He is still playing squash. Court was not free so they stayed in coffee shop for two hours and not once did he think to call us.

I was furious - this was real last straw thing. He just does not seem to get that we just want a one line text telling us all is fine - beyond that he is very free agent.

When he got home I said that as we were paying for the phone and the only people he didn't ring was us then he could give me the phone until I was prepared to let him have it back. He was very apologetic but i told him punishment stood.

He then went out to meet girlfriend. We agreed he would be home at 6.30 ( all having supper togetherfor my birthday). He got home at 7.00. So I took his lap top away as well.

My question is. How long would you last before giving them back.
I want to make sure he gets the point ( ie how frustrating total lack of communication is) but i don't want to just be mean.

Dh and i think a week. Does that seem fair.

Sorry this is so long but didn't want issue muddied with people think I am concerned about what he is up to ( I am not) or that I am over reacting to once off error - this is happening all thetime. He is just so dippy.

Thank for reading this far

[Cies]

I'm not a mother of teenagers, but I'd say a week seems fair.

And with the threat that it'll happen again if he doesn't keep you informed again.

[BCNS]

hmm.. I would give the phone back soon ish..
but i wouldn't give the laptop back UNTIL.. he remembers to call you and anwers the phone to your calls .. he needs to show he can do it before he gets the LP back.. imo.

[TheCrackFox]

Not a mum of teenagers but a week seems reasonable. If I had tried the same with my mum she would have wrung my neck.

[Ivvvvyygootscaaared444]

Start asking him what time he is going to be home and not coming to a decision together. Give him the resposablity and let him pay for the phone.

[Divvy]

I hope you have his phone tarrif capped! as just heard a very bad story of teen useing mobile to connect laptop to internet.....£2500 phone bill in 3 weeks!!!!! Be warned!!!

Week seems fair, but also be careful not using phone to keep up on net friends also! for above reason!

[3littlefrogs]

I have been where you are.

Always text, never phone. and ask him to text you, not to phone you. This is the first rule for the use of mobile phones with teenagers. (for their safety and street cred)

If you pay him an allowance (and he should be managing his own money at this age), deduct £5 for each time he doesn't text as required.

You put the necessary templates into your phone as follows:

R u ok
r u comin bak
r u comin bak 2nite
where r u
and anything else you think necessary.

Remember that mobile phones do not work on the tube, and some trains.

[irises]

I am a mum of teen and would say a week for phone and laptop reasonable in circs, otherwise he won't remember next time.

If it's any help, tell him about my DS's mate who isn't allowed to go out of the house without earning the privilege. So yesterday, in order to sit in our house playing PS3 for 3 hours, he had to clean his mum and dad's car inside and out.

Now that's what I call strict!

My ds is a bit like yours, he does his own thing at weekends and just asks for lifts. Is another one who either forgets to take his phone with him or leaves it switched off.

[pagwatch]

he only ever has to text. i never expect him to call me. And when texting him I keep it brief too ( not loveee woveee kissy hugs from mummy ).

He does manage his own money pretty well. It is just this one issue and it drives me bananas because it is just dimwittery.

I think I will get him to programme responses into his phone. And see if his phone has an alarm he can set to remind him to text me if he is running late. Programmed texts could be a really good idea for him. Thanks.

£2,500 is pretty . thanks for the heads up. Don't think that would be a problem though. He is generally pretty smart and sensible..

A week it is then. And i will hold lap top hostage for a bit longer to make sure he starts keeping me informed.
Thank you wise ones.

[Divvy]

He is a teen.....smart and sensible dont come into it! Smart/sensible people let poeple at home know where they are....teens do not!

[pagwatch]

[juuule]

I wouldn't have taken them off him in the first place.
I would keep reminding him to let me know if he was going to be late and reminding that it was only for his own safety and my peace of mind.

[pagwatch]

juule
but I have been reminding him, and reminding him, and reminding him , and reminding him. It has been happening for a long time with reminders and explainations and talk of consequences.
At some point there has to be a consequence.

In every other respect he knows that if he breaks the rules he will be punished and not telling me what is going on is the deal when he goes out.

[fembear]

I think BCNS's idea is great (return phone first and then laptop if phone etiquette improves) but isn't he going to say that he needs the laptop for schoolwork?

It's typical teenage behaviour, though. They all go through this selfish / unthinking stage. You just have to keep reminding him. Isn't there some research that says that teenagers' brains go through a growth spurt (like toddlers) and if you want the synapses to join up properly then you have to repeat stuff (like you do to toddlers).

Can you get the girlfriend on board so that she reminds him to phone home?

[fembear]

X-posts. Keep reminding!

[pagwatch]

what do you think ? Should I just remind him?

[Jampot]

as the phone is the form of communication you prefer I would return the phone to him. However keep the laptop and if he does need a computer for homework then there is always the library at school he can use. I wouldnt have worried about him on Saturday (in isolation) as it was during afternoon and if he stands his gf up then she too can nag him independently of you. My dd is 15 too and doesnt always think to call although I always expect her to have credit and charged phone if she is going anywhere out of the norm like into town or to a gig or somewhere. If she doesnt have credit and charge then she doesnt go. She knows I like to be able to contact her if necessary and would expect a call back if she hasnt heard. Luckily I do have several of her friends' mobile numbers too so she doesnt get far

Def keep the laptop until he is BEGGING!

[Piffle]

as mum to 14 yr old ds1 I'd be grounding if he did not notify me properly
My lad stays behind in art room at school most days
He rings everyday or he gets no computer time for 3 days

It works

[3littlefrogs]

The ONLY thing that motivates them is the contents of their wallet/bank account.

And witholding part of their allowance is completely painless for me.

[Divvy]

Yes, keep on nagging reminding him

[mumonthenet]

I think your response is perfect and one week is just about right. Not long enough to cause major problems but long enough to catch his attention.

He needs to know that the next time it happens it will be two weeks.

[twoluvlykids]

think you hit the nail on the head when you said he's dippy.

he's probably not, but i'm sure part of the brain shuts down when kids become teens.

[NotanOtterOHappyDay]

lying here in bed with dd's ipod in the drawer next to me

i have had it 10 days

when she improves her behavior she gets it back

i would say a week - but be swift to remove phone again if next time he is out there is an issue

[NotanOtterOHappyDay]

agree with something switches off in teens

its BIZARRE

their heads empty of being ABLE to remember more than one thing

[juuule]

Just a thought. If he goes out without his phone how is going to let you know if he will be late?

Obviously not really the issue as he's not letting you know when he has his phone but surely by taking it off him you are removing his means of keeping you informed should he have a rush of blood to the areas related to remembering your parents or at the very least have given him an excuse not to be able to contact you.

We just kept on telling ours that it was their safety we were concerned about (which it was/is). Eventually it gets through. Bit hit and miss to start with but it does get through or at least it has so far with us most of the time.

[AuntEm]

You could find out his friends' phone numbers & then when he gets it back you can threaten to phone them when he doesn't contact you. Might help him remember