My son- aged 22-please help- still like a teenager.

[girlsnextdoor]

I could post this under teenagers but my son is 22.
I just need to offload here and need some perspective.

My son is about to come home after 4 years at uni. He has a temp job whilst he applies for a grad job, due to start, hopefully, next summer.
Meanwhile, he wants to live at home as it will be cheaper and he can repay some of his debts, including £10K he owes us that we borrowed for him to do his Masters.

all this sounds fine except he has the most foul temper and when he was at home before we never stopped arguing. It got so bad when he was a young teen that we had to get professional help. It was driving a wedge between me and my DH as our relationship has always been rocky.

Last night, DS brought some stuff back from uni- and he was rowing with me within a couple of hours. all over nothing- moving his stuff out of the hall as I wanted to hoover up and he said wait- DH stepped in, to support me, DS went loopy, shouting and hollering that he would do it in a couple of minutes and to leave his stuff alone.

I walked away into another room and he followed me, shouting at me, trying to put his "case" over. I tried to close the door onhim saying I had walked away to avoid talking to him as I was fed up with arguing. DH came to intervene, DS pushed him away, all manner of shouting started, with DS telling DH that I- his mum- was behaving like a fucking retard.

Two hours later he drove back to uni, for a couple of days to finish his work, then he is due to come home again for months. I have said he can't and that he has to rent a flat.

I am almost crying writing this. I love him to bits but I cannot stand this. it makes me ill. I hardly slept last night and for 4 years when he has been away at uni my health has been better than ever,my career has taken off again. When he was at home before, I was often exhausted and just really miserable.

I feel so torn- I do love him, and I know he has a bad temper. I don't know whether we need to give him another chance, say a few weeks to settle in, or carry out what we siad, which is tof ind a flat. he will be going to work with DS as his job is in the same company, so it will be inconvenient for DH if he is living elsewhere as he would have to do a detour to collect him each day, I expect.

I just feel so fed up and he was only home for 3 hours.

[AMumInScotland]

I would not allow a 22 year old who called me a "fucking retard" to live in my house. I started reading thinking, well perhaps he'll have changed in 4 years away, but obviously he hasn't. He needs to get a flat, and to get a grip on his temper. The fact that he's your son doesn't make it ok for him to behave like this.

If DS is working, then it is his own responsibility to get to work on time each day - your DH shouldn't have to take a detour to help out an ungrateful little sod.

[brimfull]

at his abusive language

I would stick to the find a flat ,and also make him get his own way to work.

[FabioVicePeeperPlopper]

I would sling him out tbh.
22 is plenty old enough to take care of himself - he's been doing it for long enough at university. you'll benefit in the long run - let him stay and you're letting him get away with being a shit head.

[brimfull]

My teenager is not like this.

[daftpunk]

he's not behaving like a teenager..my teenager would never talk to me like that!

i couldn't have him living with me with that attitude..he'd be out the door.

[WendyWeber]

If the situation degenerated like that after just 3 hours then he can't live with you - end of story.

Why does your DH have to give him a lift? Is there any way he can use public transport? (I'd be inclined to say he should get his own job somewhere else too )

[girlsnextdoor]

I forgot to mention that before this row we went on a nice walk- I was going walking and DS wanted to tag along. Okay, fine. Nice walk.

Then the moment we get back and he starts cooking, and i wanted to do cleaning ( having spent 2 days to my elderly parents, and just driven 250 miles back home), this erupts.

Work is a 50 mile round trip- DH is going anyway. No option over another job, it is sorted.

When he was at home all the time, pre uni, we had a scene like this every week or even every other day. I couldn't cope. My work and health suffered. I don't know how I stuck it- I almost left home but had no where to go, and I had a DD who is 2 years younger- she is at uni.

[jesuswhatnext]

i'm sorry to be harsh, but he sounds a total shit. i would very definatly tell him to get a flat, get himself to work and start behaving like an adult! he is no longer your responsibility, he is a 22 year old MAN

he is your son and you love him, you don't HAVE to like him though!

What were you doing at 22? - bringing him up i bet, not calling your mother a fucking retard!

the time has come for you to put yourself first.

[JacqJacq]

I am 21 years old and about to go into my fourth year of uni. I do not know anyone that acts in this manner. I do not expect to live at home once I graduate and if I did then I would pay rent, clean, help with the cooking etc. Your son is not a baby. He needs to grow up. Set some clear rules in YOUR house. If he doesn't like it, then he can leave!

[mumblechum]

He's not necessarily a bad person; the two of you just don't get on under the same roof.

I'd be helping him find a flat in your shoes.

[girlsnextdoor]

jesus- no, at 22 I was working and living on my own, teaching. Didn't have DS til I was 31, first child.

I agree with all you have said and have told him that yesterday- but I don't think he beieves me.

[BlingLovin]

Mmm... he sounds like he needs to grow up, and I think you should make that clear to him... but, just to play devils advocate for a moment, is it also that he's struggling with not being in control at all himself? You mention you fought because you wanted to clean and his stuff was in the way and then again that you wanted to clean and he was cooking. It's your house so of course you get to set the rules and the standards, but if he's living there too (and hopefully contributing in some way financially) does he have to move his stuff immediately, or could the cleaning wait while he has a snack?

Obviously if he does it just to annoy you or if he's had his bags lying in the hallway for three days, completely ignore my question as it becomes irrelevant.

[mumonthenet]

gnd, it's not going to work. It must be very upsetting for you to have that happen when he came home...or did you kind of expect it?

much as you love him, he can't come home to live with you

he's had 3/4 years of independence, cooking when he wants to, leaving stuff all over the floor...presumably? And shouting at whoever he was sharing with?

he is never going to adapt...and more importantly neither are you.

he is a 22 yr old man...is this how he's going to treat his dp/dw? As someone said, this is not teenage behaviour this is agressive, abusive behaviour. He may have a Master's but sounds like he still needs a gcse in basic good manners.

if you love him, give him one lesson of infinite value...

that his mother will never, not now, nor in the future, not for 1 minute or two hours, allow herself to be abused.

The only way to teach him this lesson is to make him get a flat.

Would you get a 22yr old lodger...and allow him to speak to you like that? No...so being your son gives him the right?

[Tortington]

i'm kicking mine out in january - right there with you

[Lilymaid]

My DS returned from university this summer - but fortunately for us he had a job starting in September and is now living and working away from home. I love him to bits but would find it difficult now for him to be at home permanently - and so would he. The OP should be firm and tell her DS that he must move out - and then they will get on much better.

[Moski]

Your intuition is strong regarding the effect he will have on you-- listen to it! Also, you will help him more in the long run if you don't enable him. He is an adult and needs to be independent and self-sufficient. That is the biggest gift you can gift a "child".

[purpleflower]

I'm 22 and would never dream of behaving like this. I didn't get on too great with my Dad (only parent) and moved into staff accomodation at 17. After living on my own for a bit I could never dream of going back to living with him. We are friends now we are not under the same roof. I can't believe he wants to move back home if he is unhappy there.

[pagwatch]

But have you not at some stage when he is calm challenged him about his behaviour?
I don't understand?
Does he have some issue with controlling his behaviour and then regret it afterwads or does he honestly think this is all ok..

( incidently if he called me a fucking retard I would thump him. Does any 22 year old in the country really still think 'retard' is ok)

[Blandmum]

MIL was having similar problems with one of my BIL. She gave hima years notice, sold the house and moved!

actually it was the best thing that she could have done. He was a man behaving like an infant. Once he had to look after himself he acted as a man, and a very nice one too.

Next time he calls you a retard, pack his bag. Seriously

[horsemum]

Hey:

Has your son been tested for anything that might affect his behaviour, ie. diabetes, thyroid, mood disorder, mild depression, hypoglycemia.....?

The other thing is that...sure he wants to pay off his student loans, but WHERE is the GRATITUDE??!!!! It's like he thinks it's his priviledge to abuse you and your partner, and as well take free living expenses. Hello. He is an adult now. Tell him he has to live elsewhere. If you can afford to, tell him you will help support him while he pays off the loans. But DON'T
put up with the abuse.

Reason#1: If you put up with it, it will make you ill inside.
Reason#2: If he thinks he can abuse you, what about a girl or wife in the future? Do you want someone innocent as yourself to go through that hell?
Reason#3: The sooner he recognizes you as a worthy adult with good sense, and is required to get out on his own and mature, the sooner you will have a son that loves and respects you.

I am going through some tough times with mine as well.....my daughter some years ago was like that, now she is wonderful. Why? She moved out and grew up. My other son is great, he just never did that stuff (touch
wood).

NO ONE has the right to abuse you verbally that way. I know you love him dearly, but stand up for yourself. In the end, once he
matures, he will have MORE respect for you for doing that. It will be "hell" till that happens, but BELIEVE ME!!! iT'S WORTH IT.

Keep your chin up.

Horsemum

[girlsnextdoor]

I have already done most of what you all suggest.

he is sorry after the event and usually apologises- though not yet this time.

I have been through all the "You are now a man and I will not put up with this from you".

I think one of the problems is that when he behaves like this, my DH does not give him the cold shoulder as I would want him too- he tells him he has done wrong and should apologise, but then their relationship continues as if nothing has happened and I feel gutted for days. This has repeatedly brought me and DH to the verge of divorce.

I agree totally that his behaviour is unacceptable- hence this post.

[WendyWeber]

That's a different issue altogether then - your DH should be backing you up, not backing down over your DS's behaviour - of course your DS will continue if he always gets away with it.

Maybe you should walk out on both of them for a bit.

[Simplysally]

I'd make him get his own place - moving back home after uni is an easy option but can be fatal. He could get cheap lodgings near his temp job. Has he actually got a grad job starting next summer or has he got to apply? Lots of schemes may be withdrawn in the current economic situation. It's not a good time to be graduating and looking for work - but he shouldn't be abusive to people trying to help him.

[girlsnextdoor]

He has got a temp job for now and is applying for grad jobs in the City for next summer.

If he does stay here til next summer- and i don't know if he will- then we expect board and lodging money as well as repayment of loans etc. However, that is not the real issue.

His living at home is never a permanent situation- it is supposed to be til next summer if he gets a grad job and then he will move- that was/is the plan.