Talk

Advanced search

My 15 year old says she is bisexual!

(71 Posts)
dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 17:37:51

So my daughter 15 tells me she is bisexual, I love her whatever she is, she's beautiful and intelligent and we are close, so I'm glad she's told me.

My question is from other parents, does she really know her sexuality at 15, is it maybe normal at that age to be confused. I just can't imagine her being with another female lol, it doesn't make any difference with how I feel toward her but I'm just wondering if teens go through this?

Ozziewozzie Tue 04-Dec-18 20:29:20

To be fair, a few teens do ‘go through a phase’ of exploring. Many have different reasons, confusion, sense of belonging, acceptance, excitement or even rebellion in some cases.
What’s important is that your daughter feels comfortable with being who she is. The fact that you’re supportive is lovely, so the outcome is irrelevant. To your daughter it will feel real right now and that’s what matters to her, so working out if it’s permanent or a phase doesn’t really matter.

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 21:02:15

Thank you sunisshining

Teladi Tue 04-Dec-18 21:07:43

Just accept her as she is now - maybe she will date girls, maybe she won't. I am bi and realised this about 15. I only really dated boys due to circumstance and have been with one since I was 19 (we have been together 15 years now, married for the last 10). I imagine that'll be it for me now but I would probably be interested in dating women if I was ever single.

Gingerninj Tue 04-Dec-18 21:25:00

DD told me last year, not long after turning 13 that she was bisexual. I of course supported her and made sure she knew it wouldn't change our relationship in any way. I understand where you're coming from, these thoughts did cross my mind too. She's never been one to talk about crushes and who she fancies to me at least but i had my suspicions. I was prepared that it could be a phase and that's totally fine, I mean she's just becoming a teenager and figuring herself out

AnneOfCleavage Wed 05-Dec-18 12:49:31

Maybe she is testing the waters to see your reaction. A lot of teens think it's cool to be anything other than straight so she could have said it for effect. She could also feel she's 100% gay so thought she'd start small by saying she's bi or she could actually be bi. Whichever way, you have proved you are open minded and a lovely DM.

My niece likes to shock / make outlandish remarks so when she said she was bi I was nonchalant and didn't make a deal out of it as she has made it clear she has boy crushes / boyfriends but if she was to be bi it's obv fine. I just know that she likes to be the centre of attention so think it was to shock so is you DD like that?

dogsbodymum Wed 05-Dec-18 14:24:04

Well it's always been a big deal to accept her gay friend and of course we all have, he gets bullied at school though, yes still in this day and age. He obviously has a lot of gay bi friends and it does seem cool for a girl to be bi, at her school anyway. So it could possibly be almost wanting to be or it could be that she's just finding herself. I didn't really react at all very much, I was just well I love you whatever, it's no big deal to me you know that and that was it. She mentions it now and again and that's it.

AmaryllisNightAndDay Wed 05-Dec-18 15:10:35

I'm glad she's told me.

Glad as in "you'd rather she told you than not", but not so glad as in "it's what you wanted to hear". grin

Anyway, what it would it mean to "really" know her sexuality? Plenty of people think they're heterosexual til they reach their 20s or later. She knows what her sexuality is right now, and as for where it's going next, that's for her to find out.

Looking for explanations is belittling, especially if it wouldn't occur to you for look for reasons why she had lots of close female friends and then suddenly got interested in boys at 15.

it does seem cool for a girl to be bi, at her school anyway

That stereotype of bisexuality being "cool" has been around for so many years it's got whiskers. It certainly wont be "cool" for everyone in her school, not by a long chalk. Whether she's bisexual or not she's chosen - or found - her people, who will let her be who she is. Be glad for that.

TigerTooth Thu 06-Dec-18 20:46:46

My friends daughter told her she was bi, and put it on social media!
She had one female non-sexual relationship (just kissing) and decided she wasn't. 2 boyfriends since and now living with 3rd boyfriend.

We can be straight and admire another woman as attractive - that can be confusing at 15.

Another female friend of mine had a relationship with another girl, for quite some time, they are both married to men with kids now - my friend is still bi and not faithful to her husband because of this, the other is straight and resentful of her female ex for discussing it as she sees it as a foolish phase and says she was influenced and manipulated by my friend.

That's my only experience 2/3 changed their minds! who knows?

dogsbodymum Thu 06-Dec-18 21:14:58

Thanks for sharing tiger, interesting hey!

Mistigri Thu 06-Dec-18 21:23:36

My daughter had a boyfriend at 15, she's now 17 and has a girlfriend. I know she thought about her sexuality a lot over that period. She describes herself as gay not bisexual.

I don't think sexuality is always fixed. I do think that gay/straight/bisexual are simple words for what can be much more complex human feelings and behaviours.

Sundance2741 Thu 06-Dec-18 23:25:07

I date knowing I was hetero to liking a boy when I was in nursery school because he was handsome and dark skinned! However as a teen I went to a girls school and definitely had crushes on girls.

Never had an actual sexual relationship with another woman but have had the fantasies.

It's not that straight forward for everyone. My dd told me she thought she was gay around 15 but hasn't mentioned it recently. She's not had a boyfriend or girlfriend yet.

SpoonBlender Thu 06-Dec-18 23:30:22

You know for sure what you want at 15, at 15. That may not stick for the rest of your life. I mentioned in another thread today how I used to be about 60% straight and now I'm more like 90%. Not that I've had any chance to experiment in 20 years with DP!

pinkunicorns18 Fri 07-Dec-18 06:45:16

dogsbodymum - not sure why people are being so harsh. You clear adore her and are very close! I beg to differ with lots of the posters. When I was 14/15 loads of girls in my class said they were bisexual and went through a phase of snogging each other etc. I think experimenting and jumping on the bandwagon can be totally normal at this age and does not necessarily mean they actually are bisexual or gay or transgender etc.

That said, for some they truly are bisexual and I guess it's just going to be time before you know if this is a phase or not.

Take care x

BurpAndRustle Fri 07-Dec-18 06:52:27

I knew when I was about 13 or 14. Knew I liked boys a little earlier than that- but that was probably because that was a socially sanctioned/approved feeling.

It took a little longer to realise I sometimes felt a similar way about some girls as I did about some boys, and what that meant. It just clicked in my head one day.

I’ve never been confused about it, just aware it’s safer to be open about it/pursue it in some settings rather than others.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 06:59:20

dd1, aged 13, came out as gay abotu 6 months ago. She told me she has known for ages, and it was a huge relief to her to come out. (I'm still not sure why it was such a big deal, she knew we would be fine with it, my uncle is gay and married, and we see them often, so she knows the whole family would be fine with it too.)

Then recently dd2 told us she was bi.
She might be, but I am much more sceptical about that. I think there is a certain amount of trying to look cool and different like her big sister. But it doesn't actually matter does it?
As someone else has said, there is also a lot of hype around labels at school, and being bi, trans, agender, etc etc is very trendy.
I just smile and say the equivalent of 'that's nice dear' and wait and see what they will all be doing aged 20, as I think for a lot of them it is an experimental phase.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 07:02:31

forgot to say, dd2 is 11, hence why I am a little more sceptical.

BurpAndRustle Fri 07-Dec-18 07:15:36

I hate that attitude Steppemum. It’s ok to be straight, or gay. But bi is just a myth to be cool. Or a phase.

Christ, I thought attitudes had moved on from the 90s/00s. But obviously not.

Have some imagination.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 08:32:21

What???

I don't know what you are reading into my post, but it wasn't what I had written!

I didn't say bi was a myth to be cool, I said that all the girls at the secondary school are throwing labels around left right and centre.
Some of them are saying they are gay one week and the next week straight.
Some are switching between genders on a weekly basis. It is currently, amongst that group, cool to identify as anything other than straight.

I think this is all part of their growing up and exploring who they are. As they work out who they are, some will be straight, some gay and some bi.

I am sceptical of dd2, not because I think being bi is a myth, but because at the moment, at her age, and with the current situation, I think she is jumping on a bandwagon. I wait to see where she lands in a few years. that could be any of them.

No suggestion in my post that being straight, gay or bi are not real options, just that the girls flit between them.

dogsbodymum Fri 07-Dec-18 14:24:06

I know what you are saying steppmum. Xx

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 07-Dec-18 15:56:31

I am sceptical of dd2, not because I think being bi is a myth, but because at the moment, at her age, and with the current situation, I think she is jumping on a bandwagon.

I'm sure you don't mean any harm but "jumping on a bandwagon" is very dismissive, about bisexuality as such and also about girls trying out different labels to explore the different aspects of who they are and what they really want. And of your younger DD.

all the girls at the secondary school ... It is currently, amongst that group, cool to identify as anything other than straight.

And that group is all the girls at the secondary school? Well, if you say so, maybe it's a small school with a uniform demographic and nearly every girl in the whole school has the same idea of cool. But you also said yourself, plenty of "that group" casually identify as straight at least some of time so heterosexuality can't be that uncool.

The fact that these different labels are even openly accessible for (some) youngsters to figure out what they want is an achievement. Whether the results please their mothers or not.

Back in his 80s activist days -- back when people talked about Boy George, bandwagons and confusion every time bisexuality was mentioned, so things have clearly changed a lot, no Boy George -- DH owned a T shirt with slogan "I'm bisexual, you're confused".

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 17:21:18

Oh ffs, some people are professionally offended.

As parent of an happily, openly gay 13 yo dd, and another one who is only 11 and saying currently she is bi, and having just posted:

I think this is all part of their growing up and exploring who they are. As they work out who they are, some will be straight, some gay and some bi.

So 2 dds who are comfortably and opening able to discuss this stuff, with me and dh, I am not sure why I am being accused of somehow being dismissive.

As in many areas of life, teens are exploring. As a parent of teens I spend a lot of time, nodding and saying the equivalent of 'yes dear' If you can't see that there is a dose of irony in that statement, then you either don't have teens or you are choosing to misinterpret. It isn't being dismissive of them, it is knowing that I will hear a huge range of opinions and thoughts from them over the next few years, and I spend a lot of time letting them express their current thoughts, knowing that they may change. Or not. And either way is fine.

Spanglyprincess1 Fri 07-Dec-18 17:26:22

I think 15 is old enough to know. I'd class myself as bi but with a preference for men. That being said one of my biggest crushes was on a female friend and I ahve dated women.
Just be supportive and reassure her it's fine and your just happy she is happy. In this day and age I don't think someone's sexuality matters , it's about finding a trusting loving relationship regardless often gender of your partner

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 17:30:39

and it isn't because she is saying she is bi that I suspect it may not be the last we hear, but because she is only 11, which is pretty young to be sure of anything relating to sexuality. But she may know for sure, and that will become apparent over time.

Omzlas Fri 07-Dec-18 17:31:18

I remember at 14/15 being convinced that I was bi

I went on to have a couple of BFs and then a GF. In hindsight I think I was very curious and I was able to explore that avenue

Now, even married, I'd probably identify as more pan than anything

I hate when this called a 'phase' though, really grinds my gears

I do love however that she's comfortable enough to speak to you about it. I have gone NC with my own egg donor (for various reasons) but I hope to be this close with my kids

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 07-Dec-18 18:15:00

Oh ffs, some people are professionally offended.

No, I don't make a living from being old and grumpy.

But I've spotted a gap in the slogan T shirt market.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »