Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

1 2 3

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

12 yo dd wants to go to her friends house after school and I'm indecisive

60 replies

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 16:46

Hi, as in the title, dd, 12 yrs old, wants to go to her friends house after school. Apparently they will be doing homework together which is news to me since she is not that keen on doing homework normally . I'm sure homework is NOT the real reason, they'll be doing anything but homework.

This is a new school and I don't know the girl and her family so not sure if I should allow or not.

I'm a working mum, my workplace is quite a distance away from home. Normally dd does several after school clubs at school and dh picks her up from school at 4.30 to take her to extra curricular activities.She finishes those activities around 7.30-8ish and at the same time I arrive home from work.

In primary school she used to go to child minder with some other kids from her school so the sociisation bit took place in childminder's house, in a controlled environment. Now I'm not very comfortable with the idea of her going to the house of her friend whom I know nothing about. But probably I'm being precious about it.

I don't want to be too strict unnecessarily but also I don't want to be too permissive readily either.

How do you get to know your secondary school child's friends?

I'm so decisive and sure of everything when it comes to giving advice to others, yet so indecisive for my own child.

By the way I cannot organise sleepovers or house meetings in our home for various reasons. One of the reasons is that I finish work late and get home around 8pm. So I can't invite her friends to our place to get to know them, which is inconvenient. There are other reasons too, but this is the main reason.
So, how do you check your teen's and tween's friends? What would you do?

OP posts:

Report

Wildlingofthewest · 01/05/2018 16:49

I wouldn’t allow her to go to someone’s house if you have never met the girl or her parents.
Why don’t you ask your daughter if her friend would like to come to yours after school, ask for their parents phone number so you can call and speak to them before hand to check that they know what’s going on and to make arrangements to drop her back home or have them pick her up after dinner. You can then meet the parents at pick up/drop off and take it from there.

Anasnake · 01/05/2018 16:49

You're only going to find out by letting her go. The teenage years are looming and you'll have your work cut out if you plan on policing everything she does.

blueskyinmarch · 01/05/2018 16:50

At 12 i would allow her to go. You will never be able to police all her high school friends/families. However i would make sure she knows what she should do if she feels uncomfortable and wants to leave. Can she call her DF to pick her up if need be?

LockedOutOfMN · 01/05/2018 16:51

Let her go.

Can she invite this friend or others over when your DH is home, or at the weekend?

TheIsland · 01/05/2018 16:54

I would definitely let her go, but tell her to call DH or someone if she needs collecting early.

TheHobbitMum · 01/05/2018 16:56

Yep let her go, she'll have her mobile (I'm pretty sure she'll have one at 12) and can call if she needs you

CaffeineAndCrochet · 01/05/2018 16:57

She's 12. I'd absolutely let her go.

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 16:58

Thanks for the replies.
I will not be policing everything she does, well eventually I will give her more freedom I suppose. My problem is not knowing the family at the moment. Then again, in secondary schools do you get to know the parents? No parent does school run as in the primaries so you won't meet the parents in person anymore.
My instinct says "it's okay, it's safe" but my mind says " but you don't know them.
I won't have to reply to her straightaway.
I will ask more questions I think.

OP posts:

Anasnake · 01/05/2018 16:59

You're helicoptering op. The girl's family don't know you either but are willing to give your daughter a chance. Why can't you do the same ?

BPG20 · 01/05/2018 17:01

I'm fairly certain that my parents never met any of my school friends parents once I was at secondary school. We were always round each other's houses from Y7 onwards.

MillicentF · 01/05/2018 17:02

You tend not to know their friends and definitely not their friend's parents once they are in secondary school. Let her go-but arrange a code she can text her dad if she wants to be picked up early for any reason.

colditz · 01/05/2018 17:02

You cannot supervise to this extent and still have her friends think you're normal. I understand the urge, I REALLY do, but it's not normal to attempt to control friendships past primary school.

acornsandnuts · 01/05/2018 17:04

I got to know Dds friends at secondary but initially she went without me knowing them or their parents

mrsm43s · 01/05/2018 17:13

Its normal not to know the parents once they get to secondary school.

Let her go, but put some checks in place for your reassurance for the first few times - e.g. she calls you when she arrives at friends house, checks in again (perhaps by text) every hour, and calls you again when she leaves. That way you know she's OK.

She will be absolutely fine btw, it's just you that has to get comfortable with the new level of freedom that she needs.

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 17:15

Yes dh can pick her up and yes she's got her mobile with her. Apparently the girl lives not too far from our house so she can also get home easily on her own too, which is good.

I'm only thinking of the adventures I got up to after school, when I was her age (and my parents were at work) so I know what might go on when you leave teens and tweens on their own devices. But I'll do all we can, to get to know her friends, I'll arrange some meetings for her and friends.

OP posts:

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 17:19

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the replies.

OP posts:

CaffeineAndCrochet · 01/05/2018 17:19

I'm only thinking of the adventures I got up to after school, when I was her age (and my parents were at work) so I know what might go on when you leave teens and tweens on their own devices.

But you're still here to tell the tale. Some of those adventures are rites of passage and you won't be able to cushion her from them.

irregularegular · 01/05/2018 17:20

You have to let her go. It is really important that she has the chance to hang out after school with friends.

I would make sure you have all the contact details then email (or ring if that reassures you more) ahead of time to confirm pick up arrangements. Even if you don't really need to. And encourage DH to accept any offers to pop in this a cup of tea (I assume he will pick up).

MMcanny · 01/05/2018 17:21

I know/knew them because I was always very involved at the schools. My dc’s friends tended to have similar parents to us too. Dc have always been very open talking about their friends too and i’ve “Met” some on video calls too. You can also do things on the weekends if you can’t be around after school whether it’s under the guise of dropping them at the mall/accompanying younger dc at activities.

AChickenCalledKorma · 01/05/2018 17:27

My daughter is 12 and this is not an unusual situation. I like to have a physical address for where she's going, to know how she's going to get there and to make sure her mobile is charged. Ideally, I'll also have a parent's contact details, but that's not always possible. As long as she can contact me and knows to do so if she's at all uncomfortable, I'm happy to let her spread her wings a bit.

(I have also been known to check out the neighbourhood on Google Street View . But only when it was a really long way away and there was a Halloween party involved!)

metalmum15 · 01/05/2018 17:27

How do you get to know your secondary school child's friends

Unfortunately a lot of the time you don't. The best way, when they start mentioning new names, is to ask them to yours first, after school for tea, or to hang out at the weekend. That way, you get to meet them and ask polite (nosey) questions before your child wants to go to their house.

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 17:36

Yes lots of reassurances and lots of wise advice.
Thank you all.
I like the idea of having coded phone messages for different scenarios where she's fine there or she wants out.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Scrabbler3 · 01/05/2018 17:42

I agree with everyone else.

Make sure her phone is charged and that you know the address of the friend.

Luckything50 · 01/05/2018 22:51

I too have a 12 year old dd two terms in to secondary - with the exception of one from her primary, all of her (large) gang are new friends. She had 11 for a sleepover in March, I hadn't actually met any of them and not a single parent contacted me beforehand, they all just dropped off their girl and left. Some of them walked so their parents hadn't even dropped them!
My point is that this is quite common, perhaps it always was, and mobiles make it easier. And you can learn a lot from FaceTime if you're quiet and lurk in the background.

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 23:17

Yes, her phone is important. We'll make sure it's fully charged and she'll text us once she arrives there with her friend, straight from school and we'll communicate via text further in the day. She won't stay too long either, only a couple of hours.
It'll be fine. A new chapter.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.