DS(16) hates our house & wants us to move

[knitknack]

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this really, other than I have no one else to ask (GPS dead) and friend's kids are younger!

We live in an admittedly small cottage (but big garden). It's lovely though - warm and cozy etc. We debated an extension so that my two DSs didn't have to share a room, which they did up until about 1.5 years ago).

That would have meant borrowing though, so in the end we had a really nice outdoor room built - fully insulated, powered etc. Fully heated. DS1 (the 16yo) wanted to move into it as a bedroom so he has and we did it up really nicely - to my mind it's a teenagers dream! Xbox, music system, sofas, posters everywhere etc. (It's bigger than most living rooms).

DS1 though, maintains that he is deeply ashamed of our 'tiny' house because all his friends have big houses (tbh they do! Apart from his bf who lives in an equally small house!). He's just such a snob!!! Thinks that people are judging him etc. DH and I are non-materialistic and liberal, I can get my head around DS1's attitude or problem. I agree that eventually we prob WILL need a bigger house, but at the moment DH and I (and DS2) are perfectly happy and don't want to move.

I suppose my question is - is this normal? I KNOW the answer is probably 'yes' and I remember being deeply embarrassed of everything and anything my parents did (how I wish I could apologise to them!!), but I'd love to hear any thoughts you may have? I feel such a sense of sadness that I can't give him what he wants on this occasion (that would be wrong, plus we don't want to) but it's still hard never-the-less!

[Lilaclily]

Just keep telling him he only has to out up with it until he's 18, ungrateful bugger!

[cherrycrumblecustard]

He's normal. Don't worry :)

[hugoagogo]

Oh yes ds thought our house was a total dump at that age.
He will get over it I am sure.

[Wolfiefan]

You have the size of house you can afford. He will be moving out soon. Point out the cost of rents and mortgage and tell him to be glad he has a roof over his head.

[Justmuddlingalong]

If he pays a large chunk of the mortgage and household bills, he has a point...if not tough titty

[MycatsaPirate]

You don't need a bigger house in the future unless you plan on adding more DC so I'd make sure you tell your DS that you have no plans to move at all and that he needs to get over himself.

A self contained mini house in the garden sounds amazing. My teen would absolutely kill to have something like that!

Before we moved to this house (which we rent) we lived in a two bed cottage with two dc and DSD staying at weekends. Two in one bedroom, one in the other much smaller room and me and dp lived in the tiny living room. Garden was also tiny. None of the DC ever mentioned their tiny house but we always had tons of their friends round to eat, sleepover and generally hang out. We just made it work.

I think your son may be hung up on appearances and I'd suggest you point out to him that you don't have enough money for a bigger house and neither do you want to move somewhere bigger just to impress his friends.

At some point him and his brother will move on and move out, off to uni, house shares and eventually their own homes. And then you will have your lovely cosy little cottage to yourselves.

[MakeLemonade]

When he is earning a salary and contributes to the mortgage/deposit he can have a say, or even buy his own house. Until then he needs to stop being an ungrateful brat and get some perspective!

He has his own room, warm, dry and decorated to his taste. I would be so cross at his attitude in your shoes!

[Blossomdeary]

Oh just ignore him. Teenagers talk this kind of crap all the time.

[howhardisittosaythankyou]

If he's 16 point out that if he doesn't like it perhaps he could start looking at jobs and mortgages himself

Could you go through some examples with him e.g. what salaries jobs for young people pay, how many hours he'd have to work to save a deposit and how much monthly mortgage payments would be

Maybe if he realised the maths behind home ownership he'd be more appreciative?!

[knitknack]

Oh gosh thank you SO much everyone!!! I really needed to hear your replies - thank you, I feel instantly lighter! 😀

I love our little cottage - I paid for it with my inheritance from my parents do not only is it my security, it has an emotional aspect as well.

It's probably this bizarre snobbish attitude that upsets me as well, I suppose we just keep keeping on! (My post was meant to say 'I can't get my head around it' btw, in case I confused anyone)

you're all awesome 👏

[Incognitoname]

Your post reminded me of something I wrote when my DD was 15. A couple of years on she is much less entitled and has a part time job, but back then I jokingly wrote this about her (didn't show her though):
"Home required for 15 year old girl. Must be immaculately decorated throughout in modern decor with all new furniture. Bathroom must have marble tiles and a waterfall tap - which is very important, apparently.

Room must be large with plenty of storage space, although most belongings including clean and dirty clothes will be stored in a pile on the floor. Floor should be wooden with a rug because that is what her friends have got. No cleaning or tidying will be carried out by the girl as this is how she likes it and it's her room.

Transport should be available on demand. Car should be new and not boring because that is embarrassing. Surrogate parents with only one car should be prepared to repeatedly justify this as all her friends parents have two cars.

Other commitments, illness or other misfortunes will not be considered sufficient excuse for failing to have time to meet these requirements. Similarly, full explanation will be required as to why you can't just get another job for more money.

No financial contributions will be provided by the girl as she would only earn minimum wage and do you know how long it would take to earn anything?"

Until he grows up a bit you might have to grit your teeth and get through it.

[RandomMess]

Yep he's being a self centred yet clueless teen!

Tell him how much he'd need to earn to borrow enough to move and how the interest rates are likely to rise soon making it even more expensive...

[AndShesGone]

"Really ya wee turd? I assume that will mean you will need to work an extra 30 hours a week on your homework so you can get a well paid job to do better than we have? No? Shall we take the Xbox and internet off to help you? We'd HATE to stand in your way."

[scottishdiem]

What is his problem? Most of my friends growing up living in the better side of town with the bigger houses and better views and more rooms. It would never have occurred to me to be ashamed? Has someone said something to him that has got under his skin.

And he has his own sodding private room. I am willing to bet most of his friends would be jealous of that.

[scottishdiem]

And dont move if you like it. He will be away to college / uni in a couple of years. The issue then will be DS2 eyeing up the private room.

[knitknack]

At some point him and his brother will move on and move out, off to uni, house shares and eventually their own homes. And then you will have your lovely cosy little cottage to yourselves.

That sounds lovely!

incognitoname that's brilliant! Haha - will you show her when she's got teens of her own?!

[knitknack]

Ha - I love these replies! He believes he's SO reasonable!

[Sittingunderafrostysky]

When my sister was that age, she was desperate for a "proper" house, with bouncy carpets and a kitchen island, just like her friend.

I couldn't believe that my parents refused to have a piano, or go on camping holidays to France.

It gave us something to aspire to! Very important lesson, I think.

[Crumbs1]

We live in a fairly large house because there were 8 of us. It's old - grade 1 listed - so quite 'quirky' but has large grounds and is generally considered very nice. One of our children (aged about 13) told us we should move into a decent house and when questioned about the type of place she might prefer, we were shown pictures of what we thought were hideous modern 'executive' homes on a rather genteel, suburban estate with net curtains and manicured lawns. Kids don't really understand houses until they are a bit older.

[GetTheeBehindMeSanta]

He sounds normally embarrassed (for a teenager) of something he has no control over. I remember being the same. I was very embarrassed of everything my aspirational parents chose because I wanted to be completely inconspicuous ie so normal we couldn't be distinguished from any other family. It wasn't anything personal against my parents, I just wanted to live on an estate and be chauffeured around in a Vauxhall Cavalier so we'd be the same as at least some other people.

Why would you want to move somewhere bigger after the kids have flown the nest, by the way?

[Fartleks]

He has so many materialistic items! It sounds like he has become entitled yet not developed a grasp on the value of money. To help him in both these departments he needs to

A) get a Saturday job or evening work. Pay for any unnecessary items/extras.

B) open his mind to children living in poverty both in the U.K and abroad.

C) point out the consumerism trap. We are taught that stuff will make us happy and we spend money believing that. It's all very empty and greedy. Clearly material wealth does not equal happiness. He has everything he needs.

[PossumInAPearTree]

Oh god yes.

Dd thinks our house is shit. In fairness (when she used to have friends) her ex friends all live in big houses with uber modern kitchens.

I point out to dd there's also a lot of kids in tiny flats, bedsits, refuges, etc.

And that she is free to move out!

[RandomMess]

One of my friend's DS is so so like this, it's really funny - couldn't be less like his parents if he tried!!

They actually have a very naice house, unlike our postage stamp mid terrace over the road but he has plans, he needs a top designer mansion

[knitknack]

sigh

Well at least if it's normal it might pass?!

I agree about the entitlement and materialism... will that pass too???? (Hopeful)

I suppose I always thought that we'd need a bigger house in case they ever get families and want to stay for Christmas etc. (although unless he grows up a bit I can't see that happening!). Starting this thread however, has made me realise that the outdoor room will house the family for Christmas and any other events (and he can relish the nostalgia of being of his childhood bedroom) ha ha

[knitknack]

The other thing that saddens me is the fact that he is comparing himself to others-the quickest route to misery I can imagine.