So ashamed...

[patch123]

Hi feel so gulity, need some perspective. I just swore at my 12yr old DS and now feel terrible and do angry that I didn't keep control and keep my mouth shut

Basically I have a really bad back and Im normally fit and healthy and do most things for my boys. My 12 yr DS had had a friend round and they'd left xbox games everywhere so I very nicely asked him to put them away and then asked if he'd mind carrying the hoover upstairs for me as I can't manage with my back. He straight away hurled abuse at me "Im not doing that, you should do it etc etc" shouting and then started throwing his brothers drink and my glasses and then he called me a D. I took his phone for that. I then asked again very nicely if he could please help me and he picked up the remote controlled car his brother was playing with and threw it with great force at the floor so its now all buckled. It was then that I said you little S. I feel so bad.. and my other Son heard me say it. To be fair, he was being a S* but I should never have said it. It was just the amount of rudeness and disrespect and lack of concern for me being in pain that pushed me too far. Is this really bad?

[usualsuspect333]

I would have called him something a bit stronger than a little shit.

[BearFeet]

Not bad at all. Sounds like he was being a shit!
What is bad is how he behaved. That needs dealing with rather than your swearing imo.

[glenthebattleostrich]

I think I'd have said a hwkl of a lot more than that, you were remarkably restrained.

I'd be following up with selling the Xbox games to pay for the damaged car and he'd not be having friends over for a very long time.

[Cocolepew]

I'd have used stronger language than that

[LavenderLeigh]

Nope, not bad at all.
Totally justified.

Time to stop doing everything for him and teach him to fend for himself by learning how to clean, change beds, simple cooking etc - all vital skills he needs to know.

No way should a NT 12 year old think his mother has to do everything around the house.

I'd be confiscating the XBox along with his phone.

[mathanxiety]

I hope your DS is now grounded for a considerable period, has had his xbox confiscated, and will have no more friends over for the foreseeable future. Take everything he likes and make him earn each item back by doing household chores for a week or a chore per item -- hoovering and taking out the bin for a week = two items. Cleaning the bathroom for a week = one item, etc. Keep the xbox until last so he will have the games but nothing to play them on. Summer holidays are coming up and I can think of no better use of his time. You are not the one who messed up here.

[mathanxiety]

And if he gets pocket money it has to be withheld until the car he damaged gets replaced.

If he seems to get very involved in a little world of his own when engaged in xbox games or screen time and has episodes of rage like that when he comes back down to real life (some kids are like this), I would seriously consider strictly limiting xbox time and screen time in general until he is older.

[Ahemily]

Stop beating yourself up, OP, you're human.

[Scoobydoo8]

Can't believe this is a true post.

The little *** need throttled. OP sounds a woosss.

[Scoobydoo8]

needs throttled

[reallybadidea]

After he'd sworn at you and refused to do what he'd been asked, why did you then ask him nicely again?! I would have insisted in no uncertain terms that he carry the hoover upstairs, given him a verbal bollocking and then made him spend the rest of the day doing chores.

Is he normally like this because if so you need to seriously work on his attitude. I can't quite believe you're upset about swearing at him rather than being gutted at having him great you like.

[reallybadidea]

Sorry treat you like that

[FeelTheNoise]

How dare he treat you like that? My. DS would have been stopped very soon into his bratty rant, in fact he wouldn't have dared start! Get confiscating! He does NOT speak to you like that! Imagine the responses he'd get if he spoke to people like that in the big wide world, also imagine how these behaviours are going to feel when he's 18 and massive.

[Katrina43]

he sounds like a little shit or worse. Don't feel bad and do not apologise he needs punishment not you

[Newtobecomingamum]

Omg is that all you said! He sounds like an ungreatful rude little sh@t! Sorry OP, but you should not feel bad at all!!
He needs a suitable punishing for his behaviour so he knows how bad he was!

[Newtobecomingamum]

Punishment not punishing!

[pictish]

What a little shit!

[cashewnutty]

He is a little shit - you just told him it as it is. He needs a good dose of reality and made to understand the consequences of his actions. I think based on that he should not only be carrying the hoover but doing all the vacuuming too.

[WankerDeAsalWipe]

I think that when you don't normally swear, it can be a useful tool to show them just how bad their behaviour is. Of course you do get the camp that will tell you that you've handed him the power by showing that he can make you lose your cool....but I'm in the "shock factor" camp :)

Only thing I would say is when you are swearing at him try to make it about the behaviour rather than the person - i.e. you are behaving like a sht, rather than you are a sht. Not always possible in the heat of the moment but it was brought back to me when my 13 year old said to me that he knew I thought he was an arsehle. I had to then tell him that I loved him and that I knew he was a lovely boy but sometimes he behaved* like one. A subtle but important difference. I would never want a child of mine to believe that he was not a good person underneath the bluff and bluster of teen hormones - don't want a self fulfilling prophesy and all that jazz....

[Haffdonga]

You are ashamed? You? It's your ds who should be ashamed.

You were right to swear. You were in pain, asking for help and her behaved like a spoilt brat and swore at you. Why on earth are you allowing yourself to be dominated by a 12 year old? Why are you accepting his treatment of you and instead you are berating yourself for expressing your pain and frustration with some mild anglo-saxonisms.

When I started reading this I thought you would say you felt ashamed that you had let your ds get away with such nasty behaviour but you're turning it in on yourself. So, he 's learned you are human, have limits and aren't perfect? Sounds like it's about time.

[GaryBaldy]

Unanimous response. He's out of line.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

First week of the school holidays I am guessing and he is getting too big for his boots, DS should be ashamed of himself. And while Supernanny wouldn't approve, that swift exclamation as a one-off is forgivable.

More to the point is he prone to outbursts like that? Does he erupt like that at his DB? What are the consequences?

[Tomjoulesisout]

Only he is not so little.

You are way too soft on your DS and need to show him who is boss. There is a time and place for empathising and being kind and understanding. However sometimes the kindest things is to shorten the reigns and teach the dc all about boundaries and respect.

You might have left it a bit late if this is how he acts at 12 but you can still correct this it might just take a bit longer.

I say this as someone who started out as quite a soft parent. Circumstances and nursery / school have shown me that a kind but strict, routine based approach to raising dc is more effective, especially with dc who love to test boundaries like my dc1.

Your DS is way out of line. Sit with him and talk about what happened. Do ask him how he felt when he was rude and how it felt to make you upset. The draw some basic house rules and make him abide. You are the parent and you Re the boss. Is dad around and what does he do?